Saturday, February 28, 2009


This has been a strange day but I'm getting some things done. I don't even know which finger the ring is supposed to be on. I've been looking at everyone's hands today and I noticed some are wearing a band on the left and some on the right. All of them look like wedding rings. Are we in consensus on which hand to put the ring?

I've been a little up and down or just flatline today. I guess, very concerned about the situation regarding my son, but otherwise okay. I've sensed a really good vibe in the last half hour and now.

I will have to find out what my account number is. I don't even know. Pretty sad. A very accurate commentary on the state of my finances when I don't even know my account number. I'll call to find out on Monday and then post it. Anyone can put money into an account, right? Just can't take it out without proper ID, as far as I know.

I think I'm here, in the D.C. area a little longer.

OIG Complaint Finish

I am going to finish the OIG complaint and hand-deliver this to the D.C. headquarters and to a couple of other organizations early next week. This is something that needs to be underway and investigated, because I've had a lot of problems because the FBI refused to speak up for me and got people to try to say the same thing they wanted to say to cover up the corruption.

Getting Married in D.C. & Bank Account Info

I think we're just going to marry in D.C. and start working on the whole case reversal here.

We're still going back to Washington to file some things, but first, there are a few records I am obtaining first, which helps my case, and I can ask someone in Washington to file stuff for me if I send it to them by fax. Or even mail it to the Washington courts. I can file things by mailing stuff certified as well.

I think I'm going to open an account here for donations to be sent to, if anyone wants to help financially, and then I'll open one in Washington state too because we'll be moving over there very shortly.

I have an account, which is pretty much inactive. I want to have one with a trustee and set aside for the specific purpose of legal funds, but it costs money and I have to have a trustee lined up and I don't know who I'd choose for the short time I'm still in D.C. So I will probably just give out my account information and number in case someone wants to donate to my regular account. I guess whoever donates would either trust me or not, in how I would be using this money.

When I'm in Washington D.C. I could open more of a trustee/legal fund specific account, but here, I don't have time.

Habeas Corpus for Lying by the State

I may be able to try to file a writ of habeous corpus since I have new evidence that proves the people reporting me to CPS were lying about me. I have proof of medical injuries they claimed I didn't have, and this was part of their basis for accusations that I was "delusional" and that I had a mental illness. They also used this lie, to claim I didn't need painkillers THEY prescribed me--narcotics. They were prescribing me narcotics and then turned around and told the state I was 'drug seeking' and lied and said I didn't have any injuries and no real pain for which I would need those narcotics.

In the meantime, they gave me narcotics to try to pacify me so I wouldn't seek actual diagnostics to find out what the real problem was.

I had to go out of the area to get even a few diagnostics which showed I did have some injuries.

Because the state refused to give me copies of discovery, I had no way to verify what records they had on me, and if that record was complete or not. Their entire case against me, in Fact Finding, was based on incomplete medical records which slandered me but where the real evidence was suspiciously
"missing" and when I asked if they even saw anything they said, "I don't remember".

I think I can try to file habeas corpus and for appeal anyway, and tell the higher courts how the state KNEW of my intention and wish to file for appeal, but deliberately prevented me from doing so by withholding evidence and records I needed.

Attorney Says Injunction Impossible, Not True?

A lawyer I talked to said it was impossible for a federal court to put an injunction on a state case.

I asked, because injunction is used to stop a process that will cause irreparable damage or harm to a person.

Losing my son, and the termination of my parental rights, would be an irreparable harm.

It is also true that the state violated so many laws and rules, it was the ONLY way they were able to take my son, and win any of the hearings. They won every hearing totally illegally.

To comply with their "services" is a further attempt to cause prejudice to my name and reputation and would potentially affect my future. They want someone to confirm what they claim is true, either that I'm "drug seeking" or that I'm mentally ill, or both. I'm neither, and the people they appoint to do evaluations are paid by the state and have an interest in making the state happy.

I have had several medical issues during this time I have been told I'm "pro se" and it has prevented me from making timely objections or appeals, and I never even had any of the documentation necessary for filing for appeal.

So this lawyer tells me filing for violations of due process and my rights is somnething I can do, but he says I cannot ask for an injunction against the state case, which is moving along, unaccountable, because of their vast violations.

If I want to protect my right to privacy and know I do not need these "services", and know they were "WON" illegally, I should not be forced to comply with them.

I have no doubt that I could win a case against the state and state workers, for what they've done. I am positive I can win a federal case against them. I have neough evidence.

But what seems strange to me, is that if one is filing for violations of law, violations of due process, why WOULDN'T the federal court put an injunction on the state process?

I did this once, if I recall, in Oregon. I filed for injunction in federal court, against a state case or persons. As a result, everything came to a halt. Eventually, it was pushed forward, the state case, but from my research then, I was able to file injunction and it was honored until the judge had a look at it. Then, I lost for whatever reason.

But in this situation, it seems entirely appropriate that the federal court would allow injunction against the state case, with the knowledge that I could lose my son, a very important thing.

This lawyer I spoke with in California, said no, I couldn't do this. He took a 4.9 million dollar case against the state on behalf of a woman with similiar facts and evidence the state had violated her rights.

It would seem absolutely unjust that the federal court could not intervene. Typically, other judges will not take action or get involved in state matters, but sometimes, they do. Sometimes it is necessary, for example, in the child sex abuse cases, to get a federal right or law opinionn or memorandum, from federal court, before going forward in state court. Often, a lawyer or party will file something in federal court, asking a legal question. The federal judge will decided and then hand the matter back down to the state court.

Also, I know the federal court WILL sometimes put an injunction on state matters, because I did it myself, in Oregon. I filed for injunction, and I got injunction.

The federal courts can and DO put injunctions on state matters. The real question is, can they do this in a dependency hearing?

I would think it makes sense that they could.

If a state court is obviously violating a series of laws and rules of civil procedure, and trampling someone's federa rights in order to cause harm, take a child, or violate someone's right to privacy, I would think the federal courts woiuld be interested in this.

If it's not been done before, perhaps I could set a precedent.

What Judge or jury would NOT think this is sensible and the ONLY just recourse? One must have recourse, and if the violations are severe enough to cause irreparable harm, it seems to me this is cause enough for injunction. I would say it is a grave and serious miscarriage of justice to do otherwise, or think otherwise.

Federal judges know a thing or two.

I may have to go to Washington state to do this, but there is a civil rights law firm in D.C. which said they'd like to see some of my evidence, of my multiple requests for discovery and copy of my case file. And while Forrest oddly defends my being hung up on in a hearing and not having any notice to be pro se, which deprives me of being able to represent myself, other lawyers over here say it's totally strange and they don't believe me at first. When I tell them it's true they can't believe what they're hearing. And that's on the record and was recorded and there were plenty of witnesses to it as well.

Letter to Attorney Re. Appeal & Federal Suit Against CPS

Question about Appealing a CPS Case‏
From: cam huegenot (
Sent: Sat 2/28/09 12:08 PM

Hi ,

I really need some advice on this one...

I'm being told I cannot appeal, for any reason, because I didn't put in a "notice of appeal" when the hearing was decided. This guy CASA appointed is buddies with people in the small town whom I offended and who now want to screw me. They didn't pick any CASA person, they chose a retired lawyer who knew just how to skew things.

He, himself, last hearing, filed a statement which I've never seen, and I found out from CASA they did actually mail it to me, but they didn't even allow the proper number of days I'm supposed to have for even getting it. They mailed it to me last minute, about 2 days before the hearing, knowing I'd have to receive it all the way across the country from Washington state to Wash D.C.

He justifies every illegal thing they've done. I told him even the Washington State Bar was finally involved because all this time I was told to be "pro se", I requested a copy of my case file and no one would send it to me. I have never, in this process, had discovery from the state prior to hearings, and I never had a copy of my case file. But he just went off, saying my rights were going to be terminated next month if I didn't comply with services.

Their services will prejudice me, my future, and I know it's a way of CPS trying to justify their actions because they never had evidence I'd done anything wrong in the first place.

Not only that, I've received MORE evidence which proves what I was saying, months ago, was true--that the same people who reported me to CPS, had damaged me in childbirth and yet they lied and claimed it wasn't true and I was delusional and didn't have any physical problems and it was all in my head.

I have evidence which showed definite physical problems, and proves I AM and WAS injured and that they tried to cover this up and retaliate against me by taking my child.

What I want to know is, is this ANY way, any EXCUSE for being able to appeal if it's after the statutory deadline for appeal? Is there any excuse at all, that courts have upheld as reason for employment of the discretion of a judge in a higher court, to allow appeal anyway?

Also, are you positive a federal case cannot make an injunction on a state case if it's clear I will suffer immediate and irreparable damages if there is NOT an injunction?

I don't know why a federal court couldn't put a hold on the state proceeding if I'm able to prove, through evidence, that what the state has done, all the way up to this time, has been illegal and has put me in a postion of losing my son and/or further violations of my right to privacy.

Also, I am able to pay for a private attorney, at this point, to start with, but I don't know who is good, with regard to civil rights claims and due process cases. I also don't find many dependency attorneys. At all. And it's not as though I haven't been looking either.


Rob Forrest From CASA Defends State & CPS

Rob Forrest, the CASA guy, wanted to talk to me. From the first, I never liked him and saw him nodding his head and going along with every single thing the state wanted or did.

He has done very little to "advocate" for my son's right to see his mother, or continue telephone visitation.

Rob Forrest is not a typical CASA volunteer. He's a lawyer. He is now retired, but he's a lawyer and he knows very well what kind of impact he has with the court, and how the right words can affect the proceeding.

For the last hearing, Rob Forrest prepared a document which I've not seen to this day. CASA claimed they mailed it to me, but THEY admitted they had not mailed it with the proper time allowance. Forrest was against me and for the Avilas.

So now Forrest calls and told me it is too late for me to appeal. I told him I'd had medical issues and that I'd also been requesting the discovery and a copy of my case file so I knew how, or another lawyer knew how, to file for appeal. I didn't receive this until a month and a half late, after the hearing, and when it is usually, technically, too late to appeal.

I told Forrest the state had constantly refused to give me discovery. He tried to say I didn't need it and that the reason I lost Fact Finding was because I wasn't visiting my son. That had nothing to do with it. The entire case, presented by the state, was about my medical records and their belief I was delusional or mentally ill and that I had none of the actual physical problems I had said I had. And this is what was used against me, and I was not given discovery prior to trial. Forrest tried to say I didn't need it.

Then I reminded Forrest how the judge hung up on me at the beginning of the Contested Sheltercare hearing, after telling me I had to be pro se, knowing I had NO notice and NO copy of my case file, even though I repeatedly requested it from Cassel and Wellbaum. Forrest claims nothing wrong was done. As a lawyer, he KNOWS this is wrong and he dares to claim I'm wrong and that we have a simple disagreement?!

All Forrest did was happily try to tell me I had no chance of appealing this case and that it didn't matter if I was sick or injured, or if I didn't get a copy of my case file or discovery from the state. He said it was moving forward, and what was I going to do about it, because they were filing for termination of my parental rights next month?

He said nothing about my son, and all talked about, was how the state was right and he couldn't even come up with an excuse for not mailing me his own statement for the court with timely notice, as required by law. CASA didn't allow enough days for me to receive this statement or memorandum by Forrest and they all know it.

After he vigorously defended the state, for every illegal action taken, and for his and CASA's own failure to follow the rules, he wanted to know what my plans were.

I hung up on him.

All he was doing was defending the state, and as a lawyer, it sounded to me like he just wanted to know if I had a legal angle and what my legal plans were.

He has never once been impartial and has constantly done things that have harmed my relationship with my son. He went in, as a lawyer, and a friend to people in Wenatchee, and constructed his own testimony and evidence to favor the state and my aunt's family, the Avilas.

Pot Prez, Yes!

Finally! A President who approves of pot. Smart man, I know. I am so excited to read this news that Holder agreed the DEA should not raid medical marijuana clinics.

I am so hopeful the U.S. will make some huge strides forward. I am seriously feeling optimistic on this.

Oooh like Ani Difranco's "Shy". I usually would keep my music in a music post, but today and tonight all my rules and organization are out the door.

I came to the sobering idea that I may be more "J" or more of a judger than I thought I was. And, I think I'm more of an Itrovert than maybe I thought. I don't know. I thought about taking the MMPI again. Next to my fiance, I'm the J. Or I turn into the J. Next to him, too, I think I'm an I. He's quieter it seems but actually more of an out there, wanting to be with lots of people all the time and talking type of person. I like my people, especially when I'm working bc it eases the boredom. But I do like my private time, in a room with lots of people.

Melissa Ferrik! Like this song so much "north carolina". yay! whooo is right.

You know what, I think my ring size is a 4 and a half. It's a 5 to get it past my knuckles but when it's on, it slides a lot. I have a narrow heel type of a finger.

When I looked at the ring, from an artist mindset, I saw this little stone with the prongs around it and saw a kiss, blown, closed mouth, open Marilyn Monroe style to say hello or goodbye. I saw the fingers pulsed together in an Italian pinch, opening just enough for the punchline, or the point.

Like Jonatha Brooke's "Landmine". Pretty, and like the stars shining and spinning and chiming as they bounce off of one another sound in the background. Small fireflies.

Erin McKeown's "Hum". made me smile right away. still smiling. love the "hummm!" at first, i was seeing giddyup horsey and then came the hum. oh, saddles on my face? I guess it IS a giddyup song. lol. so fun, this one! she says, i would rather hUmmmm.

Thinking about pot again. Still excited to see if laws will be overturned and changed. It would be a big day for the U.S and for science and medicine. I really do believe the pharms are making a lot of money off of stuff for migraine that no one would need if they smoked a tiny bit of weed.

Natalie Merchant. What's not to love about her. San Andreas Fault. Didn't Plath or who was it who wrote that fascinating poem about the San Andreas Fault? Oh it's so beautiful, I think it's about the San Andreas one, but it's just amazing. I need to find it, rediscover. Need to get more poetry books and revisit.

Going to bed on the Merchant note. Tomorrow, I will write more about oig. not now. oigo boingo. Goodnight.

goodnight, goodnight. goodnight.

Someone must be in love with me, does anyone think this sometimes? Imagining, hey, i wonder if someone is madly in love with me and I don't even know about it! i see a mayflower dance, at least to this song "It's a Hard Life (wherever you go)" by Nanci Griffith. A circle of dancers coming in together with arms raised and then moving out into a flower in bloom. I see it when I hear the chorus. In, out, in, out, and spiraling into individuals buds, in pirouettes (msp).

I almost laughed out loud, but smiled instead, at Bruce Cockburn's "pacing the cage". What a great idea...and my point of smiling comes when he approaches and then sings "Pacing the Cage". The emotion in his voice right before he says this, and how he brings it all down to that one phrase, is wonderful. It is the strongest element of the song, this quieter moment. Sung as life is constant and alive, with some of the raised elements of awareness, and then...pacing the cage. a quiet tiger. or lion.

going to bed now. so tired. oh shit. it's almost four? this sucks. i need to get back onto a scheduole, a normal one.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Engagement RIng

Tonight I was given an engagement ring.

I didn't know what to think. I was surprised because I thought we were doing this on

It's pretty, and I like it. I find myself thinking about so many things, so many thoughts running through my head. I had ideas for a poem or image but I'm too tired now and my back really hurts. I'm seriously having problems with back pain.

I find myself wishing for different things and reflecting on different things. I don't know how to explain so that's all I'm writing for tonight.

I wanted to go out for dinner and chose authentic Mexican food. I don't know why, but for one moment, I saw myself several years ago, sitting across from Mike Tancer, and I remembered the shirt I was wearing and how he liked it, and how pretty much, well, it was a marker in some ways, in my life. I remember that night and then thought about where I was now. I think I thought of him because I saw someone today, in a truck, that looked how I think I remember he looked. It's been too long to remember clearly.

Listening to Indigo Girls. Took my second Flexeril. I hate Flexeril. It just slows down the brain but i'm almost out of Percocet, which is really what helps me most. I did try marijuana in the hospital but it did NOT work for me. I felt it sort of got the the circulation going and actually temporarily intensified the pain, for me. Maybe it was better later? I don't know.

When I listen to music like this, the Indigo Girls, I feel no matter what happens, everything is going to be okay. Even when my fiance is coming in, drunk, which is very rare for him, after partying with some Colombian friends in the room next door. All night, Colombian music. like it, but you know why people in every culture need the music they grew up to be okay. He needs his Colombian music and I need my American and English music. lol. :)

He is just never drunk and doens't usually even drink. Well, what can I say, I would be too, if I were thinking about marrying me.

Our friends just knocked on the door. I am in bed with the computer and he came in, happy with the buzz. I made him stay on his side. Me no gusta ti veracho, I said. We said, in unison, to the knock on the door, "Entre!" I said, "Quieremos mas personas aqui, queieremos dos mas personas en el cama!" joking of course and we were laughing. They wouldn't open the door. I said, "Entre!" and my fiance said, "Entre" and I said, "Entre sin ropas!!!" and cracking up he opened the door and there was our friend looking over at us. i'm with the computer and my fiance was in his dress shirt. I told them I get the computer for my partner and I wasn't going to share.

Like Long Ride Home by Patti Griffin. ooh, like the lyrics and the undulation of the guitar on that lick at the end. This is a "i thought about it and decided you suck" song.

I like this one. I think I could sing it. If my back ever gets better, I am totally up for that anise flavored liquor from Colombia and a good dancing party. I like "Troubled Mind" by Catie Curtis, but I couldn't it better than she sings it. She does a nice job with the sighing yodeling work, well, reminds me of yodeling, and voice cracking.

My boyfriend comes in saying he's crazy, seeing me in bed in the dark, typing on the computer and singing "Come To My Window" by Etheridge.

Erickson from CPS Called--CPS Wants No Witnesses

Okay. I am fair to even those who are not fair with me, and who lie about me and mock me.

Michelle Erickson did try to call because I just got her msgs. There wasn't a problem with my phone either. I just hadn't been able to check msgs for awhile.

It looks like I'll have to have my lawyer before going to Wenatchee, which doesn't necessarily mean delay, it just means CPS isn't going to work with me and will continue to screw with me if I don't.

After telling me she'd set up visitation, Erickson backed out, probably getting instructions from the AG, and said she wasn't setting up ANY visitation with my son until I was in Wenatchee. She didn't even say Washington. She said Wenatchee. l

Then, she said my fiance could NOT be present for my visitation with my son.

This sets off alarm bells, because CPS has gotten by, far too long, with the lies of others, and a Judge who prefers his buddies and their word to mine. He swallows everything they say and does whatever they want. There is zero impartiality.

A big reason why CPS has been unchallenged in some things, is because they decided not to document, in writing, what they tell me; they refuse to return calls from me (stalled for 3 months when I was trying to reach them when I was first in D.C.); and they have never allowed me to have any witnesses present. So they just get their friends together, to say all kinds of things about me that aren't true, and know I cannot challenge them.

There is a reason CPS doesn't want my fiance there and it's because they don't want me to have any witnesses to the fact that there is nothing wrong with my parenting and that my son needs me. If a monitor lies about me, I have no way to challenge it.

This shows how hypocritical this organization is. They throw my son into daycare with total strangers, and throw my son into a whole new family with no slow introduction, and allow my aunt to have whomever she wants babysit my son with no further supervision. My son is thrust before all kinds of strangers, but CPS refuses to allow me to visit my son with my fiance present.

What this means to me is simply that I am getting a lawyer over here first, in the D.C. area, and then my Washington attorney, or whatever I have to do, on my own, in Washington.

I had a very wise English (as in, from England, born and raised) friend who has been all over the world as a journalist and does international relation work, recommend I have a lawyer BEFORE going to Washington and even felt it might be a good idea to stay in the D.C. area for awhile, despite the "termination" threats by CPS and the bonding rules in Washington, which he is familiar with.

There was one point at which he thought I should return to Washington state because of the bonding laws, but he now thinks the way the state has screwed with me demands I hold them accountable and do whatever it takes to have this in place and lawsuits filed maybe even before jumping back over there.

Maybe people are starting to figure out what I've been saying is true, and that it is a hornet's nest in Wenathcee, and Washington state in general.

So I'm not going anywhere without my lawyer, OR my fiance.

I am going with witnesses when I go, because other people need to see what really goes in that town and I'm not allowing more falsehoods to be written about me. If they have something to say to me, they can say it to me and to others too.

They are not going to hide in their lies and keep things in their little group any longer.

They're being sued.

I'm going to set up an account over here for donations and start meeting people in the embassies I talked about and reconnect with my other diplomat friends. There is one guy, too, from Pakistan, who I used to see all the time at a cafe when I lived in Arlington, VA, and I would like to find him and speak with him.

Like I said, I do not believe I will get my son back without international support, because people in my country screwed me, defamed me, and then did nothing as my son was unjustly taken from me. And I do believe the FBI and some police are guilty of abusing and harassing me under color of law, and that I could sue them for collusion and obstruction of justice.

It doesn't make the U.S. very happy with me, which is why I depend on other friends, from other countries. I'm not exactly throwing dinner parties at this stage, but imagine how it has been for me, to date.

Every single thing CPS has done has been fishy and illegal. They reeeally hate ME and have plenty of friends, in high places, who hate me and want to see me either lose my son or have a mental illness diagnosed that's untrue.

But I think more people are realizing I'm not making all of this up and that I'm honest.

Yesterday, I felt very strongly that I am gaining some Russian support and I won't say why but I know this. Also, noted the man with the balding spot, sitting next to the window whom I made eye contact with several times. I should have said hello, but I know he has an interest in me and I could tell by the look on his face that he has information for me. I want to see him again. I also saw some other people, and I won't mention everything that's happened.

Also, Morroco. Meeting people from Morroco and also, in the past, Syrians were very friendly to me. I would like to find support from them.

I swear to God, if people help me financially, to be able to afford to pay a private attorney for everything for my son, I will not forget who helped me and I will go to law school and do whatever I can to hold people who avoid following the laws, accountable. I know how it is to be discriminated against and bullied.

I will fight for those who will help me financially, to get my son back and hold the government and my enemies accountable. Whoever you are and wherever you come from, I have no inate enemies or enmity with any country and I am a woman of my word.

That's all for tonight.


19 Years Old

Lol. I met this guy who I really like in a deja vu way. He reminds me of someone, maybe one of my cousins? Anyway, we exchanged numbers and I felt I really clicked with him. He's a nice guy, Dad's in military and he's been in the area forever and is going military after college. Navy.

I just found out he's 19!!! He said "high school", something about high school, and I thought "huh?" and so I asked. So funny, because I would totally hang out with him and think he's a great guy. There's something open and honest about him.

19 though. I said, "You just got out of high school?!" and he said, "Well, I'm 19" like it's so different from 17 or 18. Anyway, he's a nice guy. I'll keep in touch with him.

I wonder how old he think I AM? I know I don't look that young right now bc I've lost all this weight. I look older.

His Dad toured in Europe. I kept thinking he was from London. He says yeah, he gets that a lot. London or Germany.


I really care about Dabney and what happens to him. But because of my circumstances, and because I'm a little suspicious as to why Christa Schneider suddenly decided to write in on my blog, out of the blue, at a certain time, I'm going to write what I know.

I wonder, often, why anyone or any group, would go to such lengths to get so many involved in screwing with me, but it's happened.

I came all the way over here, and had odd interactions with some in the D.C. CPS offices, and I just know for a fact that there are people who hate me and who would love nothing more than to see me completely lose my son, or be tagged as mentally ill for the rest of my life.

I also know when my problems began, and it was with the Catholic church shit and their lawyers and Christa, and I know I never had problems with anyone prior to that. The first time anyone ever involved law enforcement that was specifically Catholic and friends with the Abbey attorneys, was with my problems with Mt. Angel Abbey.

I've had people trying to distract me and cause problems with my getting accountability ever since. I've had records disappear besides.

I tried to tell Julia Thornton that it WAS important to consider a religious motive in what was happening with me, and with the FBI employees, because I had already seen the Abbey attorneys use people they KNEW, in law enforcement, to screw with me under color of law, just to get something bad going against my name.

So when Dabney is having sex with me the first time and the first thing that comes to his mind to say is: "Here's another one in the hole", after I'd discovered other boyfriends I'd had were just trying to harm me, it makes me wonder. What does this mean? to me, it sounded like he was "another asshole" in the whole scheme against me, and was part of some groupie vendetta to get to me. "Here's another one in the hole?" and he did have info on me that he couldn't have had unless he was with the FBI or Christa Schneider's group.

I think it's odd.

I also cannot find another reason for the reappearance of my workshirts, at work, except that he knew the roommate I was staying with when they disappeared or someone took them and put one in the cubby? it doesn't make sense.

With my fiance, I try to trust him, but sometimes I wonder, naturally. I wonder I guess, about my CD now, and I wonder that I had problems with GW after telling him I was going there. I wonder when I saw someone that looked like him, and was wearing what he was wearing on a day I was there. I wonder why certain things are always delayed and stalled and why he never wants me, or wanted me, to go to the hospital or a doctor for certain things. Why he didn't want anyone to check my horomone levels and why he doesn't want me to have medication for pain. Why he and his friends were taking me to do a bunch of different things when I had things to get done here, and why they noted the date I told them I'd lose my son if I wasn't back in Wenatchee. I first told them one date and they remembered and wanted to see my reaction to what they thought was the termination date. Then again, when I gave a different date. And then now, I just don't know. Why I was told I'd have my own car and why he had a fax and printer and a computer that were brand new when I was first with him and he let me use it and then was refusing to let me use it when he knew I needed it to meet the "deadlines" I gave for needing to get my son back. I was never allowed to use the computer when I suddenly needed it. So then I was going to the library and asking around and then after someone gave me a computer, he returned his to the store?

I am not saying anything is wrong, but I've just been trying to pay attention, because it is important. I've been fooled by people pretending to be my friend in the past. Huge mistakes. So I think it's important to think and watch and raise the questions and that doesn't mean anyone is guilty as doubted, but that I'm being careful.

I watch to see if I'm being held back or if someone is really helping me move forward on very important things, with relation to my son.

I also got a little concerned when he was going along with some others about how I just needed to "cooperate" with the state. I told him the state had done illegal things and that I didn't need to cooperate with dictates they won through illegal methods, through violations of my constitutional and civil rights. I told him either he believed in me and trusted in me and what I was saying, or he didn't. I will not and cannot marry anyone who doubts me, in any way, with regard to what happened with my son.

What would seem like a help can be a hindrance, so I'm paying attention.

I'm not accusing anyone of anything at this point. But I'm watching everything, and if it doesn't line up...Something isn't right. I am not going to be trapped. I am looking out for my best interests and the best interests of my son.

I'm going to finish the OIG complaint now.

Verifying CD Had 5 Photos

If I don't find this CD, I found out someone will verify and confirm with me what was seen.

I should be able to get confirmation the photos were deleted from the record and then added back on later.

I currently do not know where that CD is, and I didn't give to anyone or put it anywhere outside of my belongings. I'll just have to check. I know for a fact that my recorded conversation with Ellen Walker and the General Counsel, Joe Toscano, was stolen and erased.

I am not positive about the CD yet. I have to look at home first.

Disappearance of CD Medical Record

I called to get all my records from George Washington Hospital.

In my blog, I recounted how I'd had a sonogram done there the first visit and they said I had an ectopic in the ovary but wouldn't let me see it. They refused to let me look even thought I asked several people. So I went to radiology myself after I was discharged and a woman pulled up the record and gave me a CD with everything on it and she and I both noticed there were only FIVE photos on the sonogram document.

So I wrote about this and made a big deal about it, because everyone was trying to keep me from seeing what was on the film, number one, and they all knew I was going to go to Medical Records or Radiology the next day or as soon as possible to pick it up.

I had about 40 or more photos taken and many of the ectopic. The woman was clicking away and i heard and saw how many photos she took and another doctor was looking over her shoulder.

So when the tech pulled up only 5 photos, she and I both thought it was odd. After I made a big deal about it, and said I HAD a copy of the CD which had only 5 shots, which would PROVE someone had erased the other photos, I then was told later the photos had been restored and were all there.

I asked if this was normal and several radiology people said no it was not. They said all the photos should have been together if they were there, and that it was strange.

So I HAD a copy of that CD in my purse, and I know I had it with me when I left my Hyattsville address. I still had it with me in my hotel too, after I was assaulted. But now, when I looked to check and see if it was there, I noticed it was GONE.

Unless I find that CD in another bag of my belongings, someone stole that CD from out of my bag, and the only time I left my bag unattended was when I moved to a new house with my finace, and I don't know how many people were in the house, or could have had access, but if I don't find that CD in my other belongings, it was stolen.

And why would someone steal that CD unless they were worried about it looking suspicious, like someone at GW was trying to cover something up?

I don't believe I ever took the CD out of my bag, but I will have to double check the rest of my things before I know for sure. I seriously hope I still have it somewhere.

It's already strange that my recorded conversation with CPS General Counsel in Washington D.C., and Ellen Walker, where they were telling me I couldn't fill out a release of information form to Washington state (pac. NW) is missing. I had those people totally on RECORD, lying to me and trying to stall and delay so I couldn't get things going to comply with court orders and be seen for evaluations in the D.C. area. They stalled and lied to me for months, and then told the Judge I hadn't done anything.

Now, after stalling so long, they and Wenatchee CPS had plenty of time to hand-pick someone they feel will go along with all their shit and peg me with some mental illness I don't have. The whole reason I went to D.C. and was willing to do the eval right away was because I knew I had a better chance of having an objective eval done when the state hadn't had time to "FIND" someone to wheel and deal with them and give them whatever they wanted, so they were cleared.

thoughts today

really like my music today...english again. the montgolfier brothers: even if my mind can tell you. like the accent and voice of clifford t. ward on "nightingale", but it's a little mushy for me. more of a children's song. would be good on a lullaby and children's album.

i still haven't heard from cps, michelle erickson, regarding visitation with my son. i have been waiting and left more than one message with her so today i spoke with russ, the main director, because her supervisor was also out of office today.

really like the beginning of henry olonga's "my heart". like the african beginning--i like songs which mix this type of folk african singing. i don't what language or tribe or whatever it is though. i think this song is a little boring melodically, it's not different at all. he has a good voice but i would have preferred more of the african choir and chorus throughout the song, experimentally.

i feel bad, a little, for my fiance. we are fine and getting married, but i think the cultural stuff is working out gradually. i am spontaneous, but not as much as him. i actually think, for the first time, that i am more of a "judger" than a "perceiver" when it comes to the two of us. i got pissed last night when i didn't understand he wanted to finish the engagement invitations, when he picked me up. i thought he was saying he did it already, and i wasn't feeling good at all, and then we're pulling up to a house and i was like, "where are we? what are we doing?" and then he said we were finishing the invitations. i said he didn't give me any notice at all and didn't even ask me. i said "este no esta possible, necessito noticia! tu no preguntame me, y expect me, en un momento, tu do que tu quieres." everything, time specifically, is so fluid with him. one day he'll say he's going to sell the car the next day. i freak out and say WHAT? and then we have no CAR? porque tu no dice mi este! que nosotros uso? necessites por drive a el courthouse and recibes records medicales!" so then he's telling me, with a guilt trip, he'll do it all by himself. i said "i'll help pero i need notice". but i didn't feel good and he just did it, which was fine with me and then he said sorry and that was pretty good.

i like gavin thorpe's "out of place" and jacob golden's "out come the wolves" but they're pretty commonplace. like the soaring quality of thorpe's song though.

i went to the ER yesterday and was embarressed because by the time i got there, the flexeril took better hold and my stomach wasn't hard anymore. it had been HARD! the guy said it was from my intestine or colon in spasm and contraction and gave me something for it. i was like, "ummm. well, it was there and now it's not?" i was glad my fiance had at least felt it too, but it was gone. he did say i had an infection, small, so gave me something for the spasm problem and for the infection, and what was the other thing? i don't remember. i got 3 prescriptions.

i like tomi swick, canadian, and it's simple but a nice soaring song again: "a night like this". i like this one a lot--beyond: "sugar", and it's composed of artists from all around the world--china, hungary, and europe...i really like the idea of getting artists together from different backgrounds and parts of the world and mixing it up, with different sounds and even different languages. i am totally into experimental stuff.

i really like Gus Black's "Love is a Stranger". I like "I'll See You Again" by Tomi Swick and Jude Cole's "falling home". Gus Black's words on "Love is a Stranger" are really good.

Good songs, really liked: "Revenge Song" by Jacob Golden, and "The Next One" by The Chris McCarty Band. "So Tell Me" by Jason Vigil was simple but I liked the drive of the piano--sounded like one that would be fun to play, sort of piano as rhythm. Also like "God Bless the Broken Road" by Marcus Hummon

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Back to ER Again

This really sucks. I was feeling better but today the pain was a lot worse and I felt very nauseous with pain at one point. The Percocet with Advil and now, tonight, Flexeril, isn't helping and my stomach is doing weird stuff again.

And then, I noticed, it's hard. I'm still distended but the uterus or stomach is getting hard spots.

My pain isn't controlled by my medications. I took 2 Flexeril a half hour ago to no avail and I'm having all the gas, distention, over-activity again, along with severe cramping that goes to my thighs. The pain radiates to my thighs. I'm still bleeding too. I think a lot of the pain must be from cramping and contractions still.

I am concerned mainly about pain and the hardness. If it wasn't hard I would wait. But it's definitely hard, not soft like it should be.

thoughts tonight

listening to folk music and feeling "good vibes" in general. Your Love's the Only Thing that Remains by Reba McEntire, and lots of other good songs. I heard Her Melancholy Muse again, and it made me feel like crying this time. I wanted to look her up, she's like a deja vu but tonight I got onto my connection and then couldn't go to other pages, just the ones i'd opened first were connecting to the server. So that's alright, I'll look it up later. But I did have a lot of things I wanted to look up tonight.

I slept in until forever and had to take 2 Percocet and 4 Advil to get going. I took a very long bath for about an hour and a half I think.

I realized I've lost weight tonight, seeing myself in the bathroom cafe mirror. I can see the bones in my chest or breastbone. My stomach is still slightly bloated from the surgery and I'm still bleeding but maybe not more, just the same. My fiance keeps telling me to eat and checks to see if I've had anything to eat. I forget to eat these days and just don't have the same appetite. I'm not trying to lose weight, it's happened unconsciously.

I have seen zero evidence of drug use, but for all my fiance's talk, tonight I wondered. He was all "up" and loving last night and positive and then today, I didn't feel he was honest about something that was small but very important and he was suddenly looking at me with the grim face.

this song by Alison Krause is pretty, but I've heard a few "dying songs today". "You Must Live So I Give You To His Heart" (?). I don't know for sure if this one is a dying song or a letting go song. A couple of others were "troublesome waters" so sad and "how do I say goodbye". Liked railroad wings (patty griffin), "I Still Miss Someone (roseanne cash), You Just Need a Home, Soon (tanya tucker), In Our Dreams (paula cole)...this one makes me cry--"Boots of Spanish Leather" by Nanci Griffith. it reminds me of an irish or english folk ballad. I would like to sing this one. I mean, in public or for a performance or whatever. I like this one Mindy Smith and it makes me smile. "New Year's Eve" and I consider this one to be a "torch song", best sung in slinky dress near piano in crowded, dark, artsy club.

All Things Are Possible

I often wonder how such large walls, buildings, and bridges are made. How grand schemes are carried out. How certain things are even possible. So I don't know. But I know what I'm hearing and who I'm talking to, even if I may not admit it to anyone immediatly. I knew after give me a break I'm tired. Everyone says that, right? So why do I hear the tone of voice and this phrase seems so unique and with ownership?

One meh is the sudden full identifier of everything? I guess I don't even understand myself then, to know what I know. But how was it possible? How is it possible to reach me that quickly, all three friends?

I don't much about technology but I guess all things are possible and I'm always slow. Some are so fast!

And then I pretend like I don't know. Suddenly feeling happy and surrounded with good things and I don't even know how to explain it. Even having a very small part is enough to make everything better. Any part, and knowing how people who lose their soulmates lose their own lives shortly thereafter...a part of them has died. Knowing you don't have to possess all but cannot live with the idea that anything is wrong with the one you discovered you love. Which on the surface, seems so odd.

Feeling once that a part of your childhood has died and then later that maybe you won't be okay if anything else happens.

Sometimes I guess you can love someone and it doesn't make any difference whether they love you in the same way or not, or whether it's practical, or makes any sense. It may not even be good for you, and some people fall even over a trick or an inside joke, but one person is willing to sacrifice whatever pride is there. Willing to be mocked if they are wrong, disappointed, or alone. Still willing to fight for someone that you're not even "with", in any sense of the word.

Keep me close and keep the voices coming. I love hearing voices, coming in so many various forms. So said the so-called Schitzophrenic. lol.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

thoughts today

i am working up to getting some writing done on my oig complaint. i had to get out of the house--i was feeling confined and captive even though there's a wi-fi connection there...i just needed something different. i like being around people even if i'm not talking to them. i got out of bed late.

haha. this song by lucinda williams: honeybee. i see all these people in big fat bee costumes running around in leotards, stinging eachother. fat honeypots for paint pots, with broad brushes for swiping unsuspecting passerbys. shellacing tabletops with photos of flowers. bees buzzing around, setting up a bee cafe. shellacing (msp) flowers to the wall for a collage. beeswax candles all over, dark or dim room. two bees dueling over one queen bee, one grabs the stinger of the other bee and twirls him by it and then tears it off, sending the bee shooting across the room when the air is charging out of the stinger end like a balloon, bee flying around the room in the stupid bee costume. (i have no idea why my imagination runs wild, it just does. i can't help it) the sound going out is something between a deflating balloon and a whoopee cushion and the other bee, holding the stinger uses it for a sword, trying to poke at the other one who is flying out of control. queen bee is perched on the bar, dipping her finger into a dish of honey, tasting the honey, trailing it across the foreheads of the line-up of soldier bees passing by for inspection, she's watchign the duel from the corner of her eye, and idly picks up a daisy, begins plucking off petals "he loves me" "he loves me not" queen bee in a fat bee costume with a garish gold crown between her feelers.

i got to hear "her melancholy muse" again too. this one makes me feel like crying and then next, like smiling, and then crying. provokes different responses depending on my mood. other ones i like too, and like "dear diary" by patty larkin. like "old hanoi" by patty griffith. she has such an easy and comfortable voice, a patchwork quilt and rocking chair voice. i used to have one of her cds i'm trying to work up to writing the oig complaint but just enjoying listening to music i guess, for now. the last song brought up a poem written on a napkin, and i was reminded i wrote a couple of poems impromptu on a napkin once and gave to someone in exchange for a cartoon drawing. i wonder if he kept it. i didn't know him. i just gave it to him while we were sitting at the pub. i think if i can fix all the crap in pac. nw re. my son, if i'm in the u.s., i'll be in the d.c. area and even though it's not known for the music scene, i would like to be more involved in music, in some way--either encouraging others or doing a little bit myself or both. music is such a part of my life, anytime i try to disconnect i am not myself but i forget this. i am really happy for lady gaga, and after hearing her music, i was an instant believer in her talent. i like her uk version of poker face better than the u.s version though...i liked the pppp-p-p-p poker face sort of thing. she omits this in the u.s. version but i really liked it, it was different, but it was cool and fun to sing along with. i was also really impressed to hear britneys "womanizer" song. i didn't even know it was her. that was an incredible comeback song. very strong and you have to credit all the backstage people and producers putting that together. it's really nice to see mariah and britney make these impressive comebacks after exhaustion or whatever breaks. you wonder too, what's going on in their lives behind the scenes which they can't share for publicity or pr reasons. they are not immune to tragedy and being used and i'm looking forward to britney's autobiography.

i don't feel there are any music opportunities in washington state. it's just not a good place for me. living in wenatchee or spokane, is not a going to be conducive to inspiration. i like d.c. because while it's sort of dangerous in some ways, it's interesting. i like all the foreign people and embassies and everything. it keeps me from being bored. i like the idea of intrigue too, serves my imagination well. i think it would be fun to get into a little italian community in nyc too, and learn the culture and write about it, but really, all of the cultures have something really interesting about them. i really haven't traveled much, but i learn a lot listening to people who have lived in other parts of the world.

things i like about the different cultures (generally, for me):
african american: sense of humor. some of the wittiest people, practicing since birth i think. more of a trading creative insults humor. music. would rather go to an african american church than a white one, for the music alone. freer in expressiveness, well,at least in church. also, i like the fact that they know what it's like to be pushed down...i mean, in that i can totally relate.

jewish: i like the symbolism and how rich in symbolism this culture is. no wonder mossad is one of the best, right? it's intricate and i really liked going to the orthodox synogogue in portland, not because i was going to be orthodox but because it was a more extreme representation of the cultural origins. really like the candle lighting stuff...always had a thing for a candles and my favorite thing of all, the kissing of the scroll. i don't as much now, but when i was younger, i was always kissing my books. smelling my books too. i guess i love to read. ? 6 day war my father was always talking about, about how impressive it was. situational humor--my kind of humor.

muslim or middle eastern muslim: most of the people i turored from iran, iraq, uae, and saudi, were very easy to talk to and liked to joke around a lot as well. they were always teasing me. very social, in my opinion and hospitable. most of the ones i knew spoke well of jewish and christians, saying they were brothers to the jews, and that they had a common father and that they believed jesus was a great prophet. it's permissable for muslims to marry christians...they are not opposed, in general. i was sort of proposed to once, to be a wife! or one of them, i guess the head wife since i would've been the first one. the food i love. mint, fallafel, the yoghurt, cucumbers and tomato. women actually had a highly developed sense of sytle and fashion--usually very put together.

catholic culture: not a nation, but aside from my reservations and problems with some in this group, i have always appreciated the art and symbolism as well. i like the "smells and bells" though i wouldn't feel comfortable going to a catholic church, i used to enjoy figuring out what all the different things stood for. also like some of the theologians, esp. early ones.

english: always liked everything english but maybe i'm so like, appreciate learning more about other cultures. do not like traditional english food except pudding and brisket. i prefer things that are not bland. i've discovered i really like english bands for some reason and post punk and some punk and some of the modern artists too. like the literature, esp. classic literature. my major is in english lit. for a reason, though i would have enjoyed going for a degree in classic lit. to include russian novels. i like the dry humor and wit and ability to create an incredibly long sentence with countless commas and still have it sound right. some of the best poets too. and gardens. i have a thing for gardens.

irish: music. would like to be in on the real irish pub thing. that would be so fun. would like to visit ireland some day. used to listen to irish music or classical music on sundays as a routine. lt. gardening to classical in the morning in the spring and summer and evenings at an irish pub with someone playing legit irish music.

have to insert this comment about paula cole's "feelin' love" lol. this one is so good it makes me laugh. oh yes i could sing this one and mean it. like the "you make me wnat to be a dumb blond in a centerfold" part and the tied to the bed part. she reminds me, vocally, of sarah mclaughlin

scotland: child and welfare policies...people in charge are very progressive, sort of like france, with respect for mother and child and ability to care for and have a career but put child first without losing out on careers. lots of scottish inventors too, and like the tartans. bruce.

iran: specifically, i think i know more about iran than other middle eastern cultures. have learned more about pakistan too. but like all things persian. great high art and food. also almost took farsi as a foreign language at portland state because i discovered they had a lot of poets and i thought it was a beautiful script and if i was learning a language, wanted to enjoy what i read in that language. pakistan sort of reminds me of a cross between india and iran maybe?

japan: my first thrilling introduction to another culture, in kindergarten. my best friend was from japan and had been in the states a year or less. she taught me origami and gave me rice candy with the stickers in the box. that candy is still one of my favorites. they're chewy pieces with powdered sugar coating. in a way, very similiar to aplets and cotlets bc of the gelatin, but without the fruit. rice candy came first. it is individually wrapped in thin papers. the japanese grocer of a little convenience store was always interested in me because i would go in as a child and buy mambas and then these rice candies. i am also a big fan of japanese woodblock art and had calendars with this art all the time, and then alternated once with a jewish traditional holiday calendar with art and script. but the fairytales are interesting too. almost forgot: sushi.

china: the food. i don't know that much about china except that it's incredibly beautiful in some parts and not just a huge city as i always thought. saw photos once of the scenery and was surprised. i would be happy if my son learned spanish and an alternate language like chinese or something middle eastern for a employment edge.

india: the food again and the people seem to be really friendly. like the colors in indian culture and saris and some of the traditional dances women learn. really like the food and spices. used to have some very rare spices i used for cooking when i cooked more. i went through a big cooking phase.

ethiopia: i don't know much about specific african cultures and they're all unique from eachother, but i like ethiopian food. it's spicy and they use a kind of salsa or something like in mexican food. i can tell if a scarf is made in ethiopia by the design and weave. one woman gave me some scarves and i can pick them out.

mongolia: i've met some people from mongolia who were very considerate of me and watchful, and sweet. deep thinkers.

insert--patty griffin's "top of the world" is really pretty. birds, airplanes, and high mountains and skyscrapers. wow. really cool, especially at the end, where a folksong is sung a capella.

russia: the psychology. so character-driven, the novels and delving into the twists and turns and complications of the psyche. one of my favorite composers is tchaicovsky. i just butchered that spelling. i used to know how to spell it. some of the best character portraits are found in russian lit. once practiced learning the russian alphabet. i did that with the hebrew alphabet too. i learned "alefbet" in hebrew and that was as far as i got. all i remember of russian is dah and nyet. thank you russia for vodka. my favorite hard liquor.

vietnam: good food, and spring rolls! but i don't like the cartilage and certain parts in that soup. i leave those. really good vietnamese food in oregon, in the portland suburbs.

mexico: i've already talked a lot about mexico.

italy: opera, not all but a lot of it. the expressiveness, and the lilt of the language. probably the food but i don't think i've had really authentic italian before. i don't like the desserts because they're sort of bland. i'd rather have a french dessert. something with a custard or cream filling, or creme brulee.

france: creme bulee, my favorite dessert. i tried to learn french when i was a little girl, on my own, but didn't have any audio tapes. just went off of a book. only learned see-voo-play because of the descriptions: see-voo-play. i can roll "r"s like a latina but i cannot get that gutteral french sound. i've tried and it eludes me, even though i have an ear for detail. i cannot replicate it correctly. i LIKE french food. give me the fat. cream sauces and seafood. like the wine tradition and think all children should start in their teens. not a real fan of monet but i like degas a lot. pastels and colors. there's another that's simliar to degas who i also like..christian something or other? l'cro--mmm, i forget. yes to modern art. my favorite art is modern.

denmark: educational system is superb and health not too bad either. pretty welcoming to immigrants in general as well.

sweden: open and progressive.

australia: the rowdiness and jovial attitude. i like the freedom in cursing and drinking. why not? oh, some of the world's best windsurfing...someday I want to windsurf off of australia. don't care so much to snorkel--i'd rather windsurf. hooray for the progeny of criminals!

--insert: lyle lovetts "that's right, you're not from texas" is great. one of my favorite's by lovett.

hungary: like chegal. like all bohemian things. like the gypsy idea too of hungary and romania. interesting.

thailand: food. spring rolls with peanut sauce. have a thing for spring rolls. the coconut soup with tofu and spicy. i think thailand is extraordinary but scared to go there since watching that movie with claire danes. i don't want to end up in any other country's jail. canada doesn't even let you have PENCILS to write with. i do not like the idea that documentation of things is prevented. also, for all the healthcare wonders of canada, they didn't have in-house medical people either--you had to have a doctor from outside of the jail come to see you. which is a little odd, i thought.

canada: since i'm on canada...people of canada are wonderful. really took me in, and the guards and RCMP were all, in general, really outstanding and couldn't understand why in the world i was such a hot item to the united states. well my friendly canadians, read my oig complaint for one thing. you'll see what i was up against. really easy to get on in canada, though some were more formal. very progressive with regard to marijuana, which is not only sensible, it makes me think they must be ahead in a lot of other ways. for one thing, they are using ergotamine in iv and it's the first time i had this and it WORKED for my migraine. 10 years in the u.s. with no ergotamine for me. also, weed is an outstanding preventive for migraines. well, they're dollar is still stronger too, right? i like their tv program for kids with the dancing adults--my son loved it. i also liked the series about the canadian intelligence which makes fun of itself with the assistant telling an interviewer how she knew she was meant to be a spy because she was always peeking around corners and using magnifying glasses and stuff. and then the canadian intelligence guy is about 5'2" and standing next to the american intelligence guy who is 6'5" and some blond viking type and he's got all this high sci-fi stuff but is an idiot and the canadian guy is in an old office with a dial telephone and crap. it's funny.

germany: film producers and cinema. the architecture of the buildings and houses. sauercraut!

morrocco: the sweet tea and the ceramic art.

--nanci griffith's "mountain of sorrow" so sad. but i'm starting to get pissed about these "wish i could have but can't" songs. what the hell. put up or shut up. getting discusted with sentimentality and "love unrequieted" crap. people have choices and they choose to let things hold them back or go forward. if you want to go for it, you go for it. social status, distance, and other commitments--all these things can be overcome if people really to overcome those things. tired of the pity party songs which alternately are romantic and then pathetic at the same time. i guess i'm a practical romantic. my brother found and got one of the most beautiful women in the entire freakin' state and has guys envying him all the time. why? because he made a fucking move when the others were too afraid. she even told him this. if i were a man, i would go get it. sadly, even as a feminist, it's not my fucking place to do this. i feel relegated to waiting for others to come to me because of the dictates of society. it's romantic to wait for a decade for true love, and then again, how sensible is that? why not get married and then divorced or have a relationship because how does anyone know what's coming around or not? i see both sides. i'm a waiter and have a lot of patience and then you think, it's stupid to put your entire life on hold. i believe in god but i don't think i believe in marriage as some kind of holding cell or compact forever, nor do i think it's a sacrament or a prison. it's what you make of it, whether you have paper or not, everything is about what you make it. the u.s. has a lot of great laws, which are wonderful in theory but different in practice. i don't know, if it's one and true love, then it's a big deal, but it's what you put into it i think. my whole family would be hanging their heads, telling themselves i'm going to hell for this thought. but i don't know. i am in love with my fiance, fortunately, but i think for others, i don't know anymore. there's just all this drama in the unrequieted thing. what if charles and camilla had just married right off the bat? i think, probably, one or both of diana's sons will be more careful to go for the one they really love. that's the good thing.

catie curtis: cross over to me is an interesting song. i like it for its simplicity and demands.

just saw a white plane overhead but thought it was a seagull at first. i think it must be weird, but whenever i see a single seagull in the blue sky, i think of that shot of diana sitting on the boat with the seagull overhead, looking pensive. there is probably going to be some new kind of entry into the DSMVs for people who identify with Diana, Princess of Wales. seriously. it's like the princess di syndrome and all the famous people have it. oh, and me. well, i AM going to write a book and i have an interest in the case itself so that's a little different right? i prayed though, when i saw the seagull, that i would get some insight into the case. you never know. you just never know. it never hurts to pray and send out a request.

like mindy smith's "you just forgot" but it's sad. and shawn colvin is good: wichita skyline. shawn colvin always makes me think of chuck from incredible universe, the guy who was one class away from graduating with an impressive degree but just couldn't face that speech class--too shy.

really like chapin carpenter: stones in the road. this type of music, from yesterday and today, is the kind of "folk" music i like...the songwriter stuff. where the lyrics are usually as strong as the music.

for the first time in almost a week, i am sort of getting the bad vibe. like something isn't right. i guess it's about 5:13 p.m. and i've felt this way for about a half hour or an hour...i am not sure why. i don't feel anything is different with regard to my life. but i sense something is "off", or that heaviness again.

i was just thinking, i wonder what would happen if one of diana's sons, harry or william, started dating someone who was muslim. i think it had more to do with her activism, but i wonder what would happen, out of curiosity, if it began to look like one of the sons was going to marry a muslim woman with connections in the muslim world? i would almost like to see this staged, not to get someone killed if that was part of the reason, but still...i would like to see who or what comes out of the woodwork. but maybe it was the intention of some group to let charles marry camilla, not with the royal family in on it, but for a number of reasons, and if that's the case, as diana thought, being with someone who is muslim wouldn't provoke the same kind of concern or reaction. it could have been the whole combo: 1. we want charles and camilla to marry 2., we want diana out of the activism and weaponry game, 3., we don't want a muslim alliance.

was it one thing or the whole package? i still want to know what happened to the dossier that just disappeared.

for whatever reason, almost as soon as i wrote about this bad feeling, it was gone about 10 minutes later. not usually that fast and i've no idea why.

heard another song by eliza gilkyson that I liked: wild horse. she's on tour but mainly in europe. i'd go to see her. i like her music. i don't know why i like this song so much but i heard it a lot when i was a little girl: you needed me by anne murray. i like anne murray's christmas songs too. nice warm alto.

okay, i am onto the oig complaint now.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

music tonight and images & thoughts

listening to mary chapin carpenter. only a dream. it's low for me to sing but my favorite thing about this song is the movement of the piano. it's a river, with pools and falls, it's always moving, drawing you in and under and then through the water fast and slow. absolutely love the piano here. lyle lovett's nobody knows me has a similiar form of movement with the guitar and piano. these are river songs.

por mi valentina

valentina, tu recibes un corazon morado
por ti, trabajo, por ti, un canto
cuando tu tienes sueno, soy a cama en los arboles
necessario por ti creer en mi,
cuando las estrellas are smoking, cuando
monkeys are lighting matches
beneath, y i am your crux, este cama a crux
putting up con mi, putting up your dukes
por ti todos, por ti
pero cuando tu no recibes mis besos
recuerdo, hay un parte por ti
en una historia grandes
valentina, tu recibes un corazon morado
soy no abrogado del amor
soy un guerra pequeno
mis palabras hay mis palabras, no mas no menos
en el rio morado yo escuches mi amor
crying por mi, underneath smooth pebbles para ti
y mi bebes flores para the sea
por mi pello por mi vida, vi, vi, vi, oh escuche mi
por favor, valentina escuche mi, hija
drowning por un otra vida
damame un jacqueta negra, pero por ti
valentina, tu recibes un corazon morado
where you are, i am there
en un embrazo, waiting por besos cuando tu necessitas
mas de mi, y necessito, i need, need, need
vi, vi, vi, mi vi
vi, vi, por favor, damame mi vida
porque no tengo un corazon morado por ti en
este cuerpo, mi corazon esta en un otra tree
por favor, no besos, vi, por favor, recibes
este corazon, un otra corazon
tu tienes un otra parte de mi
bessa, beso, bellisima, bellisimo, barter & trade
por un cuarto en the monkey tree
salina, rosado, eduardo, princess y the pea
dreams de negra dreams de mi dreams a dulce, sweet night
dream a dream por mi
cuando tu eres en tu avion mira por mi
insecto con un corazon loco
insecto con un corazon loco

the company we keep

banana string for seams
zippering with banana string
pull the hood over me
closure with bead and goggle
toggle on your head
si tu quieres mi
es necessario por ti
stand UP SHOUT scream
por mi across the boardroom table
through the fat pens and slamming screens
coffee pitchers, broken projector beams
i stand there inbetween
the company
and everything
uno person sabes what i need
i know what i need
pero ti, no tiempo esta
perfecto por ti
silencio cuando i reach for the rattle
toys, drum, my son likes to play the drums
i am anything he needs
i am everything he needs
i will be whatever he needs
i will forsake any, every, all, things
nothing stands inbetween me
and this love
no love no wish no dream
i will cut those to pieces who dare
keep him from me
blood running from my pen
i will dip my pen in the blood of
the enemies of me and my son
friend, family, all the same to me
banana seam, splitting you
into a truffled and whipping ruffled parfait
for dogs, for scratch and sniff sticker designs
sticking your image on bicycle handlebars
noses dripping to learn your scent
always with me
a black dress sock on a pole
for catching moths
like butterflies
i am in closets more than fields
you at the top of your game
rolling somersaults along
the white line, striped like a skunk
or a yellow jacket, gleefully
standing split for the love of
the so-called schitzophrenic
who's the 'fraidy cat?
stray cat, tramps & theives
die on the cross
all three
sanguine, choleric, melancholy
rubbing teacher's bald head
for a chance with thee
someone is always preferring the most

fists spright and tighten,
spright! tighten. spright!
twinkle twinkle little starling
whistling through the crack in my door
mommy! what are you doing?
what are YOU doing starling?
will you dance with me?
hands to hands
feeling the heart beating
feeling the floor, music, watch
the ceiling turn as mommy spins me
around. playing drums with mommy,
drawing and painting for mommy
splish, splash, i was taking a bath
with mommy
tip toeing away in a towel
mommy chasing
my little duck, my goose, my little bear
silly shally, who's my little
teapot, short and stout?
bumping up and down in my
little red wagon
with mommy down to the river
mommy playing with me
crawling inside the play structure
at mcdonalds with me
every week
running down the dirt hills
with me, collecting flowers
i gave mommy a beautiful
long stemmed weed
she put it in a vase
security guards for cps

how many, may i ask, how many security guards
will be confronting me
at the federal courthouse ms. erikson?

how many, may i ask, how many security guards
will be confronting me
when i file my evidence, mr. caballero?
cassel, wellbaum, never players only pawns
going along for the ride is a hotchkiss

show many, many i ask, how many security guards
confronting me when my lamp
refuses to run out of oil
and keeps replenishing daily while I am asleep?

how many, may i ask, how many security guards
will be confronting me
when i withdraw from the bank
to pay for filing fees?
riding alongside me to spokane
hitchhiking with police to
accost me for non-speeding in a speeding zone?

how many, may i ask, i don't know, but i thought i'd ask
how many lawyers it takes to screw in
a cps lightbulb? perchance, it makes a difference

the way we do things o'er here

one judge thought it was absolutely hilarious
fitting even, that he should punish me
for questioning anything
decided, he would tell me to be
pro se on the same day of a hearing
and then hang up on me
when i protested, stating i'd been given no notice
and that i wanted an attorney
scorn in her voice, the clerk told me,
ms. jo jo, yes, it was not a mistake
not an accidental disconnection,
told me when i asked if I might get in to
defend myself, the judge said:
"the hearing is proceeding without you"
without anybody. and funny how
the recording of this grand scheme
is never finding me, after I've paid $50
and have been waiting for 3 months
funny. mr. hotchkiss, i would say
your judicial days are just about over
your immunity will not protect you
from infamy and putting wenatchee on the map
once again.

i feel very strong tonight. i feel everything for me, is coming back. i'm not saying this means anything in particular, but i am relying on the strength of new friends, to help me when i cannot now be of much help in return for them.

i don't have a lot of time, but i am determined to meet some people before i go to wenatchee, from a few various embassies, and meet up with friends i've already made, even if we don't see eachother often.

when it comes to support, i realized it was not my fault that the family door must be closed. they've not been supportive, ever.

i am opening an account for legal funds for getting my son back. i'm doing it in faith, which i don't have much of, but i am opening an account specifically for my son's case and my holding the state accountable for what they did...i foudn out i need to file two different kinds of cases: one to appeal the state case and one for federal violations. i may do it myself because there are hardly any lawyers in washington. i can do a good job if i have enough money to get more diagnostics that i need and am able to pay for filing fees and travel expenses. i've called for free volunteer asssitance and no one will help me. i also called the few attorneys in this field and no one can help me. there are only about 5 lawyers in washington that do private dependency, probably for the simple fact that most people who end up in cps circus rings, don't have money for a private attorney for their cps case so there are no lawyer who even practice this type of law because there are no paying clients. at all.

if i get enough money, from anonymous donors, into my account, to fight these cases with or without an attorney, i will vow to finish college and become a lawyer myself to practice competent defense for the poor and those who are discriminated against. if i, for some reason, get support and financial contributions all of a sudden when i had none before, after all this time, i will take it as a sign and make good on my word. i already know what kind of law i would want to practice and it's public interest law, to hold bullies accountable and also, prosecutors and law enforcement accountable to follow their own laws and rules when charging and seeking criminal convictions, especially for the poor who get lousy pds.

if i don't, my son will know i fought for him and will never stop fighting.

i heard a lot of good songs tonight:
chely wright: between a mother & a child, southside of lonesome; catie curtis: troubled mind, deliver me; allison moorer: tumbling down; mindy smith: tennessee; emmylou harris: walkzing across texas tonight; indigo girls: dead man's hill; lucy kaplansky: you just need a home; lyle lovett: she's already made up her mind, family reserve; eliza gilkyson: her meloncholy muse; roseanne cash: 7 year ache. trisha yearwood: she's in love with the boy (i like singing this one!). emmylou harris: a love that will never grow old. like paula coles: 14 (like this a lot). kate wolf's "brother warrior" made me cry instantly for some reason. really like terri clarks: if i were you. and "what's forever for" by micheal mm. k.d. lang's: surrender, made me smile with all the sashaying horns (dirty sax?) and seductive lyrics. from tomorrow never dies, haven't seen the movie yet. shelby lynne: just a little loving. very sexy like a snake charmer song. slipping sheets song. walking with a look over the shoulder and towel slippingn song. whoaaaaaaaaaaa... sexy sexy, don't know if a concert for shelby is all out orgy? she has my birthday--oct. 22. melissa etheridge: if i wanted to. have to go bed on this last song. jann arden: living under june. eliza gilkyson: her melancholy muse is so beautiful, made me smile at the start this time. i feel it's my song. one of my songs at least. roseanne cash: the world unseen (very pretty). kasey chambers: a million tears.

i am still bleeding from the surgery. quite a lot. my fiance saw and seemed sort of shocked. i was too. i called and they said to take advil to lessen bleeding and call tomorrow for follow up and come back in if it's like this very long, any longer than a total of a week. i said to my fiance: si necessario por mi tener a hysterectomy a cerrado el sangre, yo soy a malo person todo mi vida, no mas a bueno or nice person, yo soy mean, todo tiempo, todo mi vida! and he hugged me. i have wondered about his eyes. he said it was from heat from the workplace pero i wonder because it can also be caused by some forms of torture, but of course that's my imagination coming out, when it's not likely, but it's true. i know this.

wow. it's almost 2 a.m. i'm tired. i've been staying up late and waking up late. i have a lot of work to do and i'm finishing the oig complaint tomorrow.

watermill of books
turning with pages splaying skirts, petticoats
going underwater but never coming around
soggy and shut, swollen and bleeding
forever young, all these stories written
must be true. tulips held in dutch maiden hands
watermill at night
churning, lights, spotlight
hidden in the dark trees
no one looking when limbs skip
to the water, leaving skivvies to line
up for the dance inside the mill
somehow ending up
mixed, bound, wind shuffling
pages, characters feeling perhaps
they are in the wrong book

hmmm...i don't like this image...really drab and feels uninspired. don't know why i'm not going to bed...the music is keeping me up and i have to go to bed!

helped me with my coat
walked down a brick corridor
in pajamas past the hedge
sunglasses at night
michael jackson's on the loose
shut the gate
save us from ourselves
will someone come out of the
dark with a knife
or will i find safety
thumbnail bitten
cuticles chewed on the side
someone holding me back
by the hair, the only way
i ever want to be held back
i am thinking of climbing
over my bed tonight, down the
window, through the ivy and
morning glory
to meet up with the night
again kissing my fate
concealed in glorious shadows
sneak around the hedge
up the trail, back to bed
thought i might meet
a ghost tonight
almost righted from my chair
while writing this
wondering what is around the corner
or inbetween the lyrics
i try and write
and cannot sleep
i try to close it down but
am afraid i might miss
if i dare to dream

yuck! i do not like this! too melodramatic and dull. nothing at all in this but melodrama i think. i am so horribly uninspired tonight. i have the feeling for something, i have the feeling to write, but not the inspiration at all. my mind and intellect is not meeting with my emotions. am hearing emmylou harris' "no regret" (non, je ne regrette rien). someone who i swear was cia in wenatchee/cashmere, oh no wait! he actually told me he'd been approached BY the cia to work for them because he had family that had or friends or something and knew some rare languages. he's a teacher in wenatchee and lives in cashmere and i met him while reading the newspaper at a cafe in cashmere. pretty good looking guy but i don't think either of us was that interested. but i went with him to wedding. he is an about that. i actually think one of his languages was spanish and the other maybe french? not rare but i think he was very fluent in french and he gave me cds of edith pilaf or piaf? non, je ne regrette rien. i learned it by heart. i think he traveled all over the world, all the time, which sort of made me wonder if he were not actually cia afterall but he acted disgusted by the idea and said he could not do that kind of work. hmmm. cannot remember what he taught. i think it was french! anyway, one of few still-single and eligible bachelors at the time but it was destined to be a friendly thing. he probably found out who i was related to and said 'Hell NO'. oh, he was doing a book on some very famous people, like the dalai lama and had already had interviews and everything. i'm remembering now more. good eye for interior design too--very french interior with a cool blue wall, his house. i never kissed him. i liked him like a friend and was a little disappointed he didn't want to hang out as just friends. not many single people in that area, my age. who knows, maybe i AM a "spy magnet" or spy-type magnet if i keep drawing those types to me that are also approached for espionage and undercover work or whatever. they find me, not the other way around and i must just sniff out the scent and unconsciously smile or something. i wonder if that french teacher is a lefty. i am pretty sure he's a rightie. actually, he began talking to me while i was reading the paper and had french books with me. i was trying to practice and keep up with my french then and oh, i was reading a french only fashion magazine and he commented.

LOL, this song by lyle lovett, "creeps like me" where he first talks about the grandmother dying with her tooth of gold, telling him he can have it but does she have to die to give it up? totally my mother, asking her own mother if she could have her mom's gold tooth. a song my mom should hear. going to bed now. this is ridiculous.


I am ready to go forward with things but it seems like there is a lot of stalling without reason on certain matters. I told my fiance I wanted to file a federal claim regarding violations of civil rights and constitutional rights, and I let him speak with my uncle Pablo who is married to my aunt Holly. They told him it was "simple" for me to get my son back, that all the state wanted was a psych eval and some other things. I told my fiance, no it's not "simple" because the state "won" their case only by hanging up on me in hearings and depriving me of discovery and withholding evidence. I told him, all the state wants, along with a lot of other people I've reported, like certain FBI employees and members of the Catholic church, is a mental health diagnosis to use to shield themselves from blame.

I am not going back to Wenatchee to have a mental health eval. I will go back to visit my son and get him back and that's it.

I spoke with another lawyer today who said I needed to file 2 different cases: one for the federal violations and one for appeal of the state decision.

My Aunt Holly Avila's Kids Hear Voices

I called my Aunt Holly, who has my son, and who has NEVER, once, made any attempt to keep me abreast about my son's welfare, and asked for her husband to speak to my fiance. She said okay. Then I asked if she was serious about wanting me to have my son and not wanting to adopt him herself or someone in her family adopt him.

She was horrible, as usual. She said, "I do, but I think you need to get some help" and she said this in the nastiest tone possible. I asked her to clarify but she refused, claiming I twist things.

I told her, if she remembered correctly, she thought I had zero injuries from childbirth and yet now I had documentation that this wasn't true, that I DID have evidence of the injuries I was describing before. I was mocked by Holly, then, who claimed she thought the state knew more than me, about my health.

Holly has always had a problem with me and has been best friends with my mother forever. The Bairds are pissed at me for airing SOME of their dirty laundry and are more than eager to claim I need "help".

They claim Granny couldn't have assaulted me and that she didn't have Alzheimers, and sided with Loren, my uncle, when he told police I'd done something wrong when he wasn't even a witness to any wrongdoing. LOREN assaulted me and then was eager to tell police, specifically, "She's Paranoid Schitzophrenic". My UNCLE came up with this and was telling police this and they questioned me about it. He says this shit after I had to go to counseling because of his assault. He wanted to say I was "paranoid" for thinking his assault of me was "a hug" and not a forcible attempt to prevent me from leaving the room during an argument.

I had a doctor AGREE with me that Granny had Alzheimers. The Bairds don't care. They want to deny anything is wrong. They wanted to say it wasn't possible. NOW, Granny can barely remember anything from one day to the next. She's seriously WORSE, and the Bairds could have helped her by getting medication for her that slows down the process but they do nothing. The last time I called Granny, well, when I called her after not speaking for awhile because I was busy, I thought about Granny and called to see how she was. I found out she'd had MORE back fractures and she was in pain. She did NOT sound good. She said she'd been doing poorly in the last two weeks and had been in a lot of pain. She said she was really hurting and was hungry but too tired to make something. I told her to take a pain pill and just have orange juice until her strength was up, and then make more. So I said I'd call her back in a half hour and she agreed. When I called her, she sounded much better and she said my grandfather had given her a pain pill.

Since then, I've been calling and she's been better ever since. She had been SUFFERING, AGAIN, because NO ONE in the fucking family was looking out for her and tending to her needs, or making sure she stayed on top of her pain medications and was brought meals.

Once again, it's ME, from the other side of the country this time, making sure Granny is okay and I can hear how she's doing from her voice, and no one else seems to give a damn and they live right NEXT to her. If I hear my grandmother is in pain, I know there is a solution, I don't just think: "She's old and maybe it's her time to go."

If I had any control or influence, I would also be getting the medications for Alzheimers to slow down the process of memory loss. It wouldn't hurt anything. This is partly why the Bairds hate me. I check up on them and document their faults just as I would any legal system or worker that's gone awry.

The last thing I said to my aunt Holly, was that if she thought I had mental problems, it was funny at least that people in the U.S. government didn't think so, or I wouldn't have been approached to be a spy. I would have to be credible and they would thoroughly check me out before making such a proposition.

My aunt probably thought it was some kind of delusional imaginary thing. She probably thinks no one ever asked me this, and probably doesn't believe I know diplomats or people in intelligence agencies. To her, that kind of thing is way over her head. She knows how to garden and that's about it. She has no real-world knowledge of anything besides holy roller christianity and gardening. And she puts all the family money into a fucking house they don't even OWN. I think that says something right there, about who is sensible or not sensible.

My aunt just hates me. She claims she doesn't, but she insults me all the time and has always been condescending. Whenever I had a problem with my mother, my aunt Holly would take revenge on me, and was hostile. Her own husband knows how she is.

There is nothing wrong with me, at all. I gain more and more documentation that I accurately perceive things and know when I have injuries or am in pain or not, but it doesn't matter to them. Holly was refusing to let my son see photos of me from the very beginning and I should have known. Honestly, I think the Bairds would like to punish me for offending them and airing their dirty laundry by keeping my son from me. They're PISSED.

They are hyprocritical, self-righteous, ignorant, and greedy for the most part. It's a really bad combination to have along with being so church-going. It's like the worst possible combination: self-righteousness and selfishness.

My aunt probably thinks poems I write about family being "socks" is a sign I need "help". She would view any feminist slant to a poem, about woman being viewed as prostitutes for men in marriage or outside of marriage, as evidence of needing "help". Anything that is even slightly philosophical, feminist, activitst, or creative, to someone unimaginative and narrow minded like Holly, is evidence someone needs "help".

Meanwhile, her own children write in their blogs about how "God spoke to me today! and told me _______" and she thinks this is normal. I see creative images through my IMAGINATION, the mind's eye, and know all along it's a creative insight which I conjure myself, and meanwhile, her kids are claiming God is actually and DIRECTLY, LITERALLY "speaking" to them, and that this is no figment of their imagination, and I'm the one who is hallucinating or who is delusional?

It boggles the mind. It is okay to be totally off-your-rocker CRAZY, in the Baird family, as long as you've got "Jesus" and religion too. If God is talking to you and telling you what to do everyday, you're okay.

But if you happen to be imaginative and write freely, and write about the truth openly and philosophically, you need "help". If I am exposing my family for being hypocrites, I need "help". They think I should be on some kind of medication for being brave enough to insult them, or anyone. But meanwhile, they are raising their hands, speaking in tongues, and hearing voices from Heaven on a regular basis.

And this is what the state prefers.

What a bunch of bullshit. Talk about social commentary.

What's True in My Writings & OIG Complaint

I should clarify, all the things I wrote about the spy stuff is true. I really did have all these things happen recently, and had questions and was approached and everything.

But some of the descriptions of my fiance were not true, and I just threw it in because I already knew what the state would be looking at, since they've been so eager to read my blog and find fault. The only parts I wrote which were not true, were the parts about the character of my fiance.

Also, I think people should know, when I write poems or 'images' I am not usually writing from my own perspective or state of mind. I may write about a woman with slashed wrists and it has nothing to do with my life, or I may write, first-person, about passive-aggressive feelings or about being in love and it may or may not be an accurate reflection of what I'm thinking. I imagine many different situations and scenarios and emotional states as well, and if I wrote, for example, first person about slashing someone's tires and even killing someone, it would be to get into the psyche of another person's mind and explore the character of someone else. Sometimes, writing is like acting. Sometimes writing is purely autobiographical and other times it's fiction.

At any rate, everything I've written, about diplomats and people I've met, is true. The only part I toyed around with, was what my fiance was about specifically.

I'm putting up my OIG complaint, which is completely true, only because it's been years and several people knew the details of my complaint and tried to make sure it got lost or went to someone in particular who would ignore it or write it off. I found out, on more than one occasion, someone was put ahead of my claim and knew about my complaints before I ever called--there was always someone who already knew about it who was making light of it and wanted it to go only to them and no one else.

I brought up my complaint to a guy in the Midwest who was very concerned, and yet anyone in the California area or Oregon area, was always trying to steer me to a particular person they knew already. So for this reason, while it's better investigations are done with some details secret, I think it's better for the public to know the entirety of my complaint and what people were concerned about and were trying to conceal. Especially with regard to deliberate obstruction of justice between both the FBI and the Portland Police Sgt. Rich Austria. I am sure those police officers who thought there was something wrong with me, and who wondered why I was "known" by the whole of law enforcement in Oregon and Washington, might like to know the truth about what I was dealing with before I ever showed up in Wenatchee.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Fiance to the State

I think the state, if they are reading my blog to try to decipher me, should understand that someone should be validating and verifying what I write before deciding whether what I write is creative license or is true.

I just wrote a lot of stuff about my fiance which was all negative, but which was to show the state, later, that people write a lot of things which may or may not be true, and you cannot use a blog or writings to determine facts or a person's mental state unless you personally know the individual or know the situation.

I also had a doctor, this last week, make an assumption, somehow, that I had only known my fiance for one month which isn't true.

I have full confidence in my fiance and his character and I wouldn't marry someone I didn't love, for any reason, even though I've suggested otherwise in my blog. I think it's humorous is all, thinking of the reactions. Michelle Erickson from CPS seemed to think my marriage plans were funny at least. lol.

I need to finish my post about the OIG complaint which I plan to finish tomorrow. But I feel like writing a little bit about my fiance, whom I fell in love with I guess, in the last month, but whom I've known since we met at a party in November.

I met him when it didn't look like the father of my baby would be there for me, or be able to be there for us, at least at that time. I was just friends with A. at the time, but spent more time with him and fell for him and he fell for me. He didn't like the idea of being together without being married. We actually postponed any intimacy for a long time and then decided to get married. While we've only been intimate recently, we've known eachother for quite awhile and I guess, when it's the one, you feel like you've known eachother all your life. It is also true what they say: it happens when you least expect it.

He doesn't have hardly any money at all. He's barely ahead of me financially, but he treats me well and I knew he'd be a good father and I couldn't imagine marrying anyone who wouldn't be a good father to my son.

In the last month I've met all the Colombians. Before that, it was just the two of us, friends and figuring things out.

One thing that's different about him than most of the other guys I've dated is that he likes more makeup. I've no idea why I'm writing that, my he likes the popular heavily eye-lined eye look. The whole dark-eyed deal.

We have a lot in common but we're also different from eachother. We both like to dance, which is something not every guy is into, but coming from a Latino culture, most of these guys like to dance. So I need to take salsa lessons, to say the least.
He also likes some eclectic musicians and has somewhat of an artistic eye--he likes Bjork at least. He's an architect in Colombia and considered to be a professional there, of course. He has beautiful and artistic handwriting but I haven't seen him draw much.

He hasn't had any other girlfriends besides me, but it was fun to write as though he were stepping out on me. I figured everyone likes to salivate over something and that Wenatchee CPS and doctors would eat that up. He's one of the most faithful assholes I've ever met. Haha, I mean that in an affectionate way.

I guess it was the timing. I wasn't ready to fall in love until now. I think I was warming up to the idea with this one friend where I wrote mabye I'm in love? because I thought about him all the time and had to call him every day. A military guy who I shared some of the best laughs with. Then I sort of fell for the guy I worked with, Spiderman. But when that wasn't going anywhere, A. stepped in and I guess I was just ready to take the plunge.

It will be his first marriage and he's in his 30s as am I. I've been welcomed into his group of Colombian friends and I did meet a woman from an embassy but I doubt any of the people I met are "spies" and all I know is that everyone has jobs, a family, and is trying to make it in America and has only good things to say about the United States AND Colombia. They love it both places and tell me I'd love C. and that it's beautiful and have showed me photos of the beautiful mountains and rivers. It is truly amazing.

As far as I know, all of them are Catholic, at least in the traditional sense. Some are more religious than others. I wouldn't presume to know their religious or spiritual standing. I know my fiance believes in God but is not especially religious and doesn't ask that I get married in the Catholic church or anything. He has been sympathetic about all my travails. Today his friend that we're staying with encouraged me to go to church but I told her I'm really not open to the idea. It is more damaging than helpful for me to go to church and provokes more anxiety than anything. I am fine with my life as it is, with me and God and prayers and reading on my own. If I want a community or group of supporters, I'd rather go to an AA meeting (which is another thing I don't need) or a group that has a common hobby than church. I have nothing against church and found it good for me for many years, but now, in my life, I know what I believe, and I don't believe I'm any closer to Heaven simply because I go to church or not.

I still have an interest in speaking to people at some various embassy's even though I'm marrying someone from Colombia and his family and friends and group have been a kind of protection for me and my son. I think I need international support. Which may sound strange, but why not think big? People are people, everywhere around the world, and there may be some in other countries who would like to help me and my son so I don't know why I'd just limit myself to people in the U.S. or even Colombia alone. I've made so many wonderful friends from different countries here, that I feel it's in my and my son's best interest to be ask and see if we shall receive. I know I can do some good things for others in other countries. I especially feel I can count on support from some middle eastern countries and maybe a couple of european countries and possibly Latin America too. Africa, because I think about the boy I used to sponsor in Zambia. Oh, also Russia and some asian countries. I like the idea of the respect in many asian countries, for the intellect and how they take pride in working hard and being intellectual. It's an honor and not something people get uptight or jealous about, which I like the idea of. I said I was going to visit some embassies before leaving for Wenatchee and I am back on track with this plan, I've decided tonight.

The only time I had doubts at all about my fiance was in his constant questions about how many pills I'm taking, or questions to doctors about things. I asked him to be there for me, but I'm not used to having someone get involved in my personal details and we actually had a talk about it. I think in Latino cultures it must be more common for men to know everything about their spouses but for me, it is a huge sacrifice to not have total autonomy, or feel as though I do, in my own affairs. He's not against narcotics like I suggested, but he was more interested in all of what's going on and I kept wondering why he was asking the doctors questions when they were speaking to him in English and he doesn't understand enough English. I told him I'd rather have him ask ME and I would tell him what they said. I think we pretty much decided he would leave my medical decisions and affairs to myself and he'd stay out of it, and I'd stay out of his medical stuff. All I want from a spouse, when it comes to health, is someone to hold my hand maybe and bring me things and visit when I'm sick. I would do the same if he were sick and I've done the same for family and friends in the past. I make an excellent chicken soup too. But it's spicy! I use red pepper or cayenne pepper if red pepper cannot be found fresh. It's very good for illness because it stimulates the system and makes your nose run. ;)

I was trying to find the Spanish version of the MMPI because I'm going to try to give him this test. I think, if I had to guess, that he is an INTJ. Well, I want to say "J" because he's tidy, and most "P"s are not, but I sometimes think I may be better at making decisions and sticking to them than he is. He says okay and then vacillates forever and it's like I'm repeating the same info over and over. It's like, nothing has changed, and the information is the same, so make up your damn mind. I don't know if it's possible for anyone to be more of a "P" than I am, but he is. Actually, I'm just more of an "I" than anything else.

Oh, and I think he had second thoughts when he saw my reaction to first being in the hospital. The lady came for the financial application thing and I yelled that I already knew who was going to be filling that out, or who I was going to make pay: Chris Dabney. I told my fiance, why the hell should I pay for all of this when he has a part in this and I can more than prove he was the father. He should pay for half, and then I decided, no, he should pay for all of my medical stuff, especially if I find out he's with the FBI. Seriously, if he is connected to the FBI, the whole organization is in deep shit. I kept vacillating about writing about him because I kept getting these bad vibes and I was worried about him but for some reason, I haven't noticed this at ALL in the last entire week almost. Something is different and I feel like I can write what I need to write and not worry about it. It may be the safest thing for me to do anyway. But aside from that, my fiance knew I was just in a lot of pain.

I do think he must be a J though, because he tries to make decisions for me. He is a tiny bit controlling, but I think most people are controlling because everyone WANTS to and TRIES to control me. It pisses me off and my fiance has pretty much figured out what pisses me off. Marriage does not mean I give up my rights. I am not compromising my life for the life of someone else. I retain my full identity and I've expressed this to him. He retains his full identity as well.

So anyway, my fiance has a daughter he wants me to meet. She's 7 or 8 I believe and I've seen photos of her, she's really pretty and lives in Colombia. I want my son to have a good family and support and I feel good about the family I will be marrying into. I have every confidence they are more of a family than my "family" has been. I honestly have no desire to be a part of my family, or the Bairds except out of necessity. They have done far more harm than good in my life, except for my grandmother.

Anyway, as for independence, I have told my fiance and he agrees with me, that I retain my own career or dreams and career choices; my own bank account; and other things. I am taking his surname though, instead of a hyphenated surname. His last name is Pardo but it's spelled with and without an "X" and I prefer the spelling with the "x". Cameo Pardox. I want to say Cameo Paradox though. I don't know, x or no x?

We're both open to having more children. He wants a lot. Like, at least 2 more. I don't want more for a couple of years and will be taking every precaution because I feel my body needs time to heal and I need time with my son and husband and I think it would be better for my son to be the center of attention for awhile.

We both plan to work, even though he'll have to do menial labor, possibly, in Wenatchee, because his English isn't there yet. He's even open to working in an orchard, which is respectable because he's highly qualified in his own country but he will do whatever it takes to get by until his English is better--so that's admirable, I think, that he's willing to do boring and lower end work to support his family without injury to dignity.

So anyway, our plan is to both work when we get to Wenatchee, doing whatever, and then, when Oliver is with us, I will be staying at home as a stay at home mother and my husband will work until Oliver is in school. Full-time grade school. Both my husband and I agree that FT daycare is not good for any child, and if possible, is better avoided. So we are both in agreement that Oliver will be at home with me again, and of course, will have his hours of preschool and other activities.

Oliver, my spouse, and I, will not be living in the Pacific NW. We are both decided on this as we both enjoy the East Coast, especially the Maryland, Virginia, and D.C. area. A. has positive things to say about the Maryland school systems but I sort of prefer Virginia for school. I like D.C. for work. But everything is close together so it's easy to move around. Also, Oliver will have a very large and warm family and group of friends here. Most of them are Latino and are open and affectionate. The children I've met are respectful and seem happy. All of them do the kiss to cheek thing and say "ciao". It's sort of different, the Colombian thing. I watch my fiance when he's angry, and he pinches his fingers together with his thumb and holds his hand out like an Italian.

I seriously think he's more Italian than anything. I'll look at him when he's mad and I say, "Are you Italian or Colombian?" There's sort of an Italian-Spanish mixture of culture. I'll have to read up more about Colombia.

As for drugs, believe me, he's not into it and neither is his family. Tons of the family is over here and travels easily to the states because of good relations. They have good relations with the embassy people here too, so even though we don't have any money, he's at least socially connected with his group. Anyway, one thing I had to get across to him, was that marijuana wasn't a big deal. First he seemed fine and then not fine and then not fine and still has these raised eyebrows. I've no idea why. I saw the same look on his cousin's face, when I brought up weed. The guys around were agreeing with me, about medicinal properties, but I'm wondering if his family is extremely religious or something or puritanical, moreso than other Colombians and Americans in general. She looked like she didn't like it and I saw her look at my fiance with disapproval. I don't know, mabye someone in their family had a problem with drugs so they're paranoid now or think there is no medicinal use or something. I have no idea. But I told him I'm getting a legal permit when we get to Washington, because otherwise I'll be in ER all the time and I'm not doing that again.

I wonder if he's pissed I'm not using the Lyrica. Maybe someone thought they'd sneak in the brain-numbing drugs and say this is better than weed for migraine. BS if so. I am fully sold on marijuana and it's a miracle drug for me, for migraine prevention. At any rate, my condition requires very little and I wouldn't be using it around my son at all, ever. It's no big deal and it's legal and necessary for me.
I don't know what idiot would use a brain slowing drug everyday instead of something you use for 5 minutes only 3 days a month. Go figure.

So anyway, I know my son will love him and they'll probably get along really well. He plays soccer and my son will love playing with him. We're also agreed that while we may have children in the future, any discipline of Oliver will be up to me, and I made sure he still had the same general philosophy, of not spanking or physically disciplining children and he does and he's also open to attachment parenting philosophies.

He's 100% faithful. Neither one of us have any interest in anyone else or in any of the open marriage stuff. I think his family is fairly religious though, which is fine with me, in general, as long as people don't start pressuring me to go to the catholic church or anything like that. His bracelet actually does bother me, because all the saints on it just makes me think of the monks and all the icons around the monastery and how they abused me and lied about me. I don't get a good feeling about the bracelet which he just started wearing. It has to do with my connotation of the saints icons and the monastery--like all the mary stuff they were so angry with about. If he wants to be Catholic, that's his prerogative, but I wouldn't be marrying him if he was bringing religious stuff up with me--no way. And as for my son, I taught my son prayers and some religious songs, and I even took him to church a couple of times, but I wouldn't take him to the catholic church myself. But my fiance hasn't pressured me about that. He said he wasn't very religious but I honestly question the saints bracelets. It's something that a monk would wear. I don't see regular catholic guys wearing bracelets like that.

I'm just not that into it. I can't see anything from a distance, unless I'm looking at it closely, but I know when I first took a close look at it, I thought, "What the hell is this?!" and it made me totally uncomfortable, because I don't even know that many devout people who wear saint portrait bracelets, especially men, and considering what I've had to go through, it's not "therapy" for me to see it. He asked me if I liked it as if he'd give it to me to wear if I did but I nodded vaguely because I was NOT going to wear it. It would give me, personally, the eebie-jeebies. If he wants to be Catholic, fine. But don't put it on me, literally. And don't expose me to stuff like this, thinking it's going to change how I feel either.

I honestly have thought I could easily become Jewish. I still do believe in Jesus to some extent at least though. So I couldn't be, but I'm just not into all the dogma of either the protestant or the catholic church. I think too, it's something about organized religion. It seems that some Jews love me and others just seem to hate me but I don't know why. I guess I may be the type of person who either just provokes love or hate regardless of who someone is.

I've been listening to Alison Krause's radio all day. I needed a switch from 80s. I went to Glam Rock and then to Krause. Have heard some really good songs,by Mary Gauthier, like "different kind of gone" (album: drag queens in limosines).

Anyway, yes, I'm getting married. Could have done it earlier and I have already kicked him for taking so long finding me. I had reservations about a couple of things, but over time, I changed my mind and felt more secure in my decision.

I am actually really excited that this has happened at this time, because all I had in mind was my son and my problems and to fall in love at such an unexpected time, with someone who is so kind and devoted, is truly a blessing. I thank God every day for my fiance and understand now, who is good for me. I always wondered what kind of man he'd be. Well, like I said, he's not rich, but no one could fault him for anything else. And, he knows my entire history and isn't put off by any of it, even if some might have concerns, he has said to me, more than once, "I believe in you".

I couldn't marry someone who didn't believe in me.

Anyway, this is the true story of us. The other stuff, was, well just stuff I knew I could write about and then recant and have CPS or state people pissed off about. I figured it teaches them a lesson to think they know everything about me and my blog and when I'm telling the truth or when I'm making something up.

I hope the state has learned a lesson. No one from CPS or Wenatchee should think they can just print a page from a BLOG and tell someone that THAT is the truth or is the exact reflection of the truth.

I am actually surprised they ever did this, because it's not even justifiable in legal actions, usually, because written word or free speech can be so easily misinterpreted and misunderstood. One doesn't know, for sure, the intent of the writer in the writings unless the author is questioned and it's understood what they wrote was the actual truth.

The Be Good Tanyas are amazing..."I Wish My Baby Was Born". wow. Good thing I didn't hear this one awhile ago. Right now I hear it and feel okay.

I believe I will be living in another country someday. My country hasn't been good to me and I think I would be happier elsewhere. I, at least, would not have to feel the sadness of hypocrisy and corruption. I don't necessarily see myself in Colombia though but perhaps in another country entirely. Colombia is absolutley gorgeous, but I am not certain it is where I'd end up. My husband and I might consider living somewhere else, though he really loves Colombia too. He loves Colombia but would live in the U.S. and in another country too.