music tonight and images & thoughts

listening to mary chapin carpenter. only a dream. it's low for me to sing but my favorite thing about this song is the movement of the piano. it's a river, with pools and falls, it's always moving, drawing you in and under and then through the water fast and slow. absolutely love the piano here. lyle lovett's nobody knows me has a similiar form of movement with the guitar and piano. these are river songs.
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por mi valentina

valentina, tu recibes un corazon morado
por ti, trabajo, por ti, un canto
cuando tu tienes sueno, soy a cama en los arboles
necessario por ti creer en mi,
cuando las estrellas are smoking, cuando
monkeys are lighting matches
beneath, y i am your crux, este cama a crux
putting up con mi, putting up your dukes
por ti todos, por ti
pero cuando tu no recibes mis besos
recuerdo, hay un parte por ti
en una historia grandes
valentina, tu recibes un corazon morado
soy no abrogado del amor
soy un guerra pequeno
mis palabras hay mis palabras, no mas no menos
en el rio morado yo escuches mi amor
crying por mi, underneath smooth pebbles para ti
y mi bebes flores para the sea
por mi pello por mi vida, vi, vi, vi, oh escuche mi
por favor, valentina escuche mi, hija
drowning por un otra vida
damame un jacqueta negra, pero por ti
valentina, tu recibes un corazon morado
where you are, i am there
en un embrazo, waiting por besos cuando tu necessitas
mas de mi, y necessito, i need, need, need
vi, vi, vi, mi vi
vi, vi, por favor, damame mi vida
porque no tengo un corazon morado por ti en
este cuerpo, mi corazon esta en un otra tree
por favor, no besos, vi, por favor, recibes
este corazon, un otra corazon
tu tienes un otra parte de mi
bessa, beso, bellisima, bellisimo, barter & trade
por un cuarto en the monkey tree
salina, rosado, eduardo, princess y the pea
dreams de negra dreams de mi dreams a dulce, sweet night
dream a dream por mi
cuando tu eres en tu avion mira por mi
insecto con un corazon loco
insecto con un corazon loco
***************************************

the company we keep

banana string for seams
zippering with banana string
pull the hood over me
closure with bead and goggle
toggle on your head
si tu quieres mi
es necessario por ti
stand UP SHOUT scream
por mi across the boardroom table
through the fat pens and slamming screens
coffee pitchers, broken projector beams
i stand there inbetween
the company
and everything
uno person sabes what i need
i know what i need
pero ti, no tiempo esta
perfecto por ti
silencio cuando i reach for the rattle
toys, drum, my son likes to play the drums
i am anything he needs
i am everything he needs
i will be whatever he needs
i will forsake any, every, all, things
nothing stands inbetween me
and this love
nothing
no love no wish no dream
i will cut those to pieces who dare
keep him from me
blood running from my pen
i will dip my pen in the blood of
the enemies of me and my son
friend, family, all the same to me
banana seam, splitting you
into a truffled and whipping ruffled parfait
for dogs, for scratch and sniff sticker designs
sticking your image on bicycle handlebars
noses dripping to learn your scent
always with me
a black dress sock on a pole
for catching moths
like butterflies
i am in closets more than fields
you at the top of your game
rolling somersaults along
the white line, striped like a skunk
or a yellow jacket, gleefully
standing split for the love of
the so-called schitzophrenic
who's the 'fraidy cat?
stray cat, tramps & theives
die on the cross
all three
sanguine, choleric, melancholy
rubbing teacher's bald head
for a chance with thee
someone is always preferring the most
boring
company
********************************

fists spright and tighten,
spright! tighten. spright!
twinkle twinkle little starling
whistling through the crack in my door
mommy! what are you doing?
what are YOU doing starling?
will you dance with me?
hands to hands
feeling the heart beating
feeling the floor, music, watch
the ceiling turn as mommy spins me
around. playing drums with mommy,
drawing and painting for mommy
splish, splash, i was taking a bath
with mommy
tip toeing away in a towel
mommy chasing
my little duck, my goose, my little bear
silly shally, who's my little
teapot, short and stout?
bumping up and down in my
little red wagon
with mommy down to the river
mommy playing with me
crawling inside the play structure
at mcdonalds with me
every week
running down the dirt hills
with me, collecting flowers
i gave mommy a beautiful
long stemmed weed
she put it in a vase
******************************
security guards for cps

how many, may i ask, how many security guards
will be confronting me
at the federal courthouse ms. erikson?

how many, may i ask, how many security guards
will be confronting me
when i file my evidence, mr. caballero?
cassel, wellbaum, never players only pawns
going along for the ride is a hotchkiss

show many, many i ask, how many security guards
confronting me when my lamp
refuses to run out of oil
and keeps replenishing daily while I am asleep?

how many, may i ask, how many security guards
will be confronting me
when i withdraw from the bank
to pay for filing fees?
riding alongside me to spokane
hitchhiking with police to
accost me for non-speeding in a speeding zone?

how many, may i ask, i don't know, but i thought i'd ask
how many lawyers it takes to screw in
a cps lightbulb? perchance, it makes a difference
****************************************************

the way we do things o'er here

one judge thought it was absolutely hilarious
fitting even, that he should punish me
for questioning anything
decided, he would tell me to be
pro se on the same day of a hearing
and then hang up on me
when i protested, stating i'd been given no notice
and that i wanted an attorney
scorn in her voice, the clerk told me,
ms. jo jo, yes, it was not a mistake
not an accidental disconnection,
told me when i asked if I might get in to
defend myself, the judge said:
"the hearing is proceeding without you"
without anybody. and funny how
the recording of this grand scheme
is never finding me, after I've paid $50
and have been waiting for 3 months
funny. mr. hotchkiss, i would say
your judicial days are just about over
your immunity will not protect you
from infamy and putting wenatchee on the map
once again.
******************************************************

i feel very strong tonight. i feel everything for me, is coming back. i'm not saying this means anything in particular, but i am relying on the strength of new friends, to help me when i cannot now be of much help in return for them.

i don't have a lot of time, but i am determined to meet some people before i go to wenatchee, from a few various embassies, and meet up with friends i've already made, even if we don't see eachother often.

when it comes to support, i realized it was not my fault that the family door must be closed. they've not been supportive, ever.

i am opening an account for legal funds for getting my son back. i'm doing it in faith, which i don't have much of, but i am opening an account specifically for my son's case and my holding the state accountable for what they did...i foudn out i need to file two different kinds of cases: one to appeal the state case and one for federal violations. i may do it myself because there are hardly any lawyers in washington. i can do a good job if i have enough money to get more diagnostics that i need and am able to pay for filing fees and travel expenses. i've called for free volunteer asssitance and no one will help me. i also called the few attorneys in this field and no one can help me. there are only about 5 lawyers in washington that do private dependency, probably for the simple fact that most people who end up in cps circus rings, don't have money for a private attorney for their cps case so there are no lawyer who even practice this type of law because there are no paying clients. at all.

if i get enough money, from anonymous donors, into my account, to fight these cases with or without an attorney, i will vow to finish college and become a lawyer myself to practice competent defense for the poor and those who are discriminated against. if i, for some reason, get support and financial contributions all of a sudden when i had none before, after all this time, i will take it as a sign and make good on my word. i already know what kind of law i would want to practice and it's public interest law, to hold bullies accountable and also, prosecutors and law enforcement accountable to follow their own laws and rules when charging and seeking criminal convictions, especially for the poor who get lousy pds.

if i don't, my son will know i fought for him and will never stop fighting.

i heard a lot of good songs tonight:
chely wright: between a mother & a child, southside of lonesome; catie curtis: troubled mind, deliver me; allison moorer: tumbling down; mindy smith: tennessee; emmylou harris: walkzing across texas tonight; indigo girls: dead man's hill; lucy kaplansky: you just need a home; lyle lovett: she's already made up her mind, family reserve; eliza gilkyson: her meloncholy muse; roseanne cash: 7 year ache. trisha yearwood: she's in love with the boy (i like singing this one!). emmylou harris: a love that will never grow old. like paula coles: 14 (like this a lot). kate wolf's "brother warrior" made me cry instantly for some reason. really like terri clarks: if i were you. and "what's forever for" by micheal mm. k.d. lang's: surrender, made me smile with all the sashaying horns (dirty sax?) and seductive lyrics. from tomorrow never dies, haven't seen the movie yet. shelby lynne: just a little loving. very sexy like a snake charmer song. slipping sheets song. walking with a look over the shoulder and towel slippingn song. whoaaaaaaaaaaa... sexy sexy, don't know if a concert for shelby is all out orgy? she has my birthday--oct. 22. melissa etheridge: if i wanted to. have to go bed on this last song. jann arden: living under june. eliza gilkyson: her melancholy muse is so beautiful, made me smile at the start this time. i feel it's my song. one of my songs at least. roseanne cash: the world unseen (very pretty). kasey chambers: a million tears.

i am still bleeding from the surgery. quite a lot. my fiance saw and seemed sort of shocked. i was too. i called and they said to take advil to lessen bleeding and call tomorrow for follow up and come back in if it's like this very long, any longer than a total of a week. i said to my fiance: si necessario por mi tener a hysterectomy a cerrado el sangre, yo soy a malo person todo mi vida, no mas a bueno or nice person, yo soy mean, todo tiempo, todo mi vida! and he hugged me. i have wondered about his eyes. he said it was from heat from the workplace pero i wonder because it can also be caused by some forms of torture, but of course that's my imagination coming out, when it's not likely, but it's true. i know this.

wow. it's almost 2 a.m. i'm tired. i've been staying up late and waking up late. i have a lot of work to do and i'm finishing the oig complaint tomorrow.
************************************

watermill of books
turning with pages splaying skirts, petticoats
going underwater but never coming around
soggy and shut, swollen and bleeding
forever young, all these stories written
must be true. tulips held in dutch maiden hands
watermill at night
churning, lights, spotlight
hidden in the dark trees
no one looking when limbs skip
to the water, leaving skivvies to line
up for the dance inside the mill
somehow ending up
mixed, bound, wind shuffling
pages, characters feeling perhaps
they are in the wrong book


hmmm...i don't like this image...really drab and feels uninspired. don't know why i'm not going to bed...the music is keeping me up and i have to go to bed!
***********

helped me with my coat
walked down a brick corridor
in pajamas past the hedge
sunglasses at night
michael jackson's on the loose
shut the gate
save us from ourselves
will someone come out of the
dark with a knife
or will i find safety
thumbnail bitten
cuticles chewed on the side
someone holding me back
by the hair, the only way
i ever want to be held back
i am thinking of climbing
over my bed tonight, down the
window, through the ivy and
morning glory
to meet up with the night
again kissing my fate
concealed in glorious shadows
sneak around the hedge
up the trail, back to bed
thought i might meet
a ghost tonight
almost righted from my chair
while writing this
wondering what is around the corner
or inbetween the lyrics
i try and write
and cannot sleep
i try to close it down but
am afraid i might miss
something
if i dare to dream

yuck! i do not like this! too melodramatic and dull. nothing at all in this but melodrama i think. i am so horribly uninspired tonight. i have the feeling for something, i have the feeling to write, but not the inspiration at all. my mind and intellect is not meeting with my emotions. am hearing emmylou harris' "no regret" (non, je ne regrette rien). someone who i swear was cia in wenatchee/cashmere, oh no wait! he actually told me he'd been approached BY the cia to work for them because he had family that had or friends or something and knew some rare languages. he's a teacher in wenatchee and lives in cashmere and i met him while reading the newspaper at a cafe in cashmere. pretty good looking guy but i don't think either of us was that interested. but i went with him to wedding. he is an author...hm...forgot about that. i actually think one of his languages was spanish and the other maybe french? not rare but i think he was very fluent in french and he gave me cds of edith pilaf or piaf? non, je ne regrette rien. i learned it by heart. i think he traveled all over the world, all the time, which sort of made me wonder if he were not actually cia afterall but he acted disgusted by the idea and said he could not do that kind of work. hmmm. cannot remember what he taught. i think it was french! anyway, one of few still-single and eligible bachelors at the time but it was destined to be a friendly thing. he probably found out who i was related to and said 'Hell NO'. oh, he was doing a book on some very famous people, like the dalai lama and had already had interviews and everything. i'm remembering now more. good eye for interior design too--very french interior with a cool blue wall, his house. i never kissed him. i liked him like a friend and was a little disappointed he didn't want to hang out as just friends. not many single people in that area, my age. who knows, maybe i AM a "spy magnet" or spy-type magnet if i keep drawing those types to me that are also approached for espionage and undercover work or whatever. they find me, not the other way around and i must just sniff out the scent and unconsciously smile or something. i wonder if that french teacher is a lefty. i am pretty sure he's a rightie. actually, he began talking to me while i was reading the paper and had french books with me. i was trying to practice and keep up with my french then and oh, i was reading a french only fashion magazine and he commented.

LOL, this song by lyle lovett, "creeps like me" where he first talks about the grandmother dying with her tooth of gold, telling him he can have it but does she have to die to give it up? totally my mother, asking her own mother if she could have her mom's gold tooth. a song my mom should hear. going to bed now. this is ridiculous.