Pain & Private Investigator Invitation

I'm still in the hospital and still have bad pain. I slept for a while and then woke up from the pain and paged someone to give me the medication and while I've been asking for it to be raised, because it's not covering the pain and feels worse, the last nurse gave me only HALF of what I was supposed to receive. I told her and asked her to bring the rest, nicely, and she didn't. Then another nurse came and wasn't going to do anything, who I haven't seen before, and finally this new nurse came up and said she was covering the new shift and has brought me the rest.

I don't know why I have all this pain but I do.

I've been in the worst mood because of it, and just went off yesterday. My nurse now seems good and she just brought the other half of the pain medication. In general, all the staff has treated me well and been normal.

As for my boyfriend, I know I went off about him, but I have some questions. Maybe some of the questions weren't fair, but who am I supposed to trust? Not just him, but at ALL? A lot has been going on. In general I trust him, about basic things. His family and friends have been really wonderful as well, and warm. I especially like a couple of the women, as friends, and I guess the men as well. Like I said, the hardest part is trusting people, to know who is trying to be a friend and is welcoming, and who has other motives. In general I think they're all fine but I think about my boyfriend and sometimes wonder about his motives. He has talked about a family and really falling in love and helping eachother, but then he has done or said some other things too, which would contradict this.

I am still testing everything, because if I go through with this, I would be sincere in developing relationships and I just don't want to find out, down the road, that it's not what I thought it was. I could become very attached to this group of people, and consider them to be my own friends and family, but I've had reservations because of the bad things I've been through in my past. It would be the same for any group.

I look to see, in my boyfriend, how things match up, words and action. He has nothing to doubt in me because he always knows where I am, what I'm doing, and what's going on. And I've been honest with him from the beginning.

He asked if I wanted him to stay or if he could go home for awhile yesterday and I said it was fine for him to go home. He asked me to call when I needed him and I didn't call last night or this morning yet, to give him some of his own time. What he chooses to do with his time is up to him, but all I ask for, is for basic respect for certain committments he says he's made. That's it and I don't think it's too much to ask.

I do wonder if someone in this group knows someone else who knows me and how this all came to pass, and if it's because of an individual vouching for me or orchestrating things or if it's some kind of agency (simply because I was approached with different questions) but I don't know anything for sure.

All I know, is that I need to feel better and have this health stuff resolved.

I'm still taking some kind of antibiotic. I guess GW was supposed to have followed through with giving me something, and a doctor or two was surprised I was just released while I was still bleeding, with no antibiotic and being asked to pay for follow up visit. But whatever the problem is now, which they don't totally know, I don't think, it's being taken care of.

As for the cyst, they have to keep an eye on it. They said it's hemmorhagic and bleeding but they just observe in a month to see if it's resolved on its own.

I wish I could count on someone to be totally there for me, and to love me, but I guess that's unrealistic. At least to be on my side, and I was hoping my boyfriend, future husband would be at least that for me, but I don't know that he is able to be on my side and take my side for things and be supportive. He's supportive in the sense of going with me to the hospital and asking me what I need, and being company, but then he acts like he wants to control my care but then goes along with what doctors say, even if I tell him differently. Why would he choose doctors over me? I am still concerned that he lied to back up this doctor regarding what she told him, and HIPPA violations. He chose HER over ME. It was like they knew eachother besides, but I don't know how that would be, and there's no reason to think he does know her. The point was not that she did anything which was a big deal, the point was that I said what the truth was and then this was denied.

I am for the truth, and I need someone who is for me and for the truth. I don't think there's anything wrong with having some self-interest on his part, just as I also have some self-interest. But this isn't a very good sign, I don't think, and I wonder how he could show me anything would be any different if we were married.

I just called and he said he was at the house, and I guess he tried coming to visit me twice last night while I was sleeping and the nurses told him to let me sleep. I didn't know that--I must have been completely out. It sort of didn't sound like our house because there was more of an echo like he was in a larger room, but I don't know. Over the phone, it sounded like he was in a bigger room than our bedroom. Then I thought I heard a woman's voice in the background but he said no. I suppose it could have been someone in the hospital, but I'm pretty sure it was through the phone line.

I had someone give me some feedback on what he's up to and I ascertained some of it myself the other day, but I'd like to know the extent of it so if anyone has info they want to share, let me know and maybe I can do you a favor in return. I'm not someone who doesn't want to know, for whom ignorance is bliss. I want to know. It may or may not affect my decision-making, but regardless, I want to know and I will reward anyone for giving me helpful information that will affect my and my son's lives. I need to know what kind of patterns there are before I'm legally joined to them.

I think the antibiotic is working because I don't have that white stuff coming out like before, the sloughing of skin...I'll have to ask what the name of the antibiotic is. I still have the same level of pain though, or slightly worse. I guess I'm having an MRI for my back sometime today which is good, I think. My leg is still numb, most of the time now.

If the antibiotic doesn't clear up my stomach pain, someone said it could be because a hemmorhagic cyst can cause severe stomach upset, even though it seems counter-intuitive because blood from the uterus naturally, for periods, doesn't cause pain. It must be either this, or that I still have retained products or something. If it's retained products, I don't know if I'm cramping and having pain into overdrive as my body's last ditch effort to get rid of this stuff? or what? I've had some bleeding, bright red blood, in the last two days and I think it's from the hemmorhagic cyst. It's not a period because it's been only inconsistent spotting, and they've already told me a cyst is bleeding. It's not enough blood to saturate a regular sized pad but almost.

I had someone write in a comment which I'll respond to, about sectoral heterochromia. It's funny because I've had some positive feedback about this post and other ones about pregnancy. I always wonder what the people start to think when they dive into the REST of my blog! wide eyes, wide eyes...

I wonder where Labrador is? is this Canada? I'll have to look it up. Or the Elkin Islands.

I was pretty depressed yesterday, and I sort of am again today. My life feels very full on one hand, and very empty on the other hand.

But back to the P.I. thing, I do want to know, so if someone has information or evidence of any kind, let me know and I'll make it worth your while (can't say it will be through a financial pay off but there are other favors which can be exchanged). I don't feel bad about it at all and think it's necessary, and besides, he's already done it to me because I've had his buddies follow me around to see where I'm going and what I'm up to. On more than one occasion. So, if anyone wants to be of assistance, contact me through my email address which I keep to myself, and no one else has access to, and tell me where to meet. My email: cameocares@live.com. My phone number is 360-201-4779.

You know what's sort of interesting...I told my boyfriend I'd once had a dream Vladamir Putin wanted to meet me, had it months ago, and my boyfriend said what happened? I said that was the whole dream, it was just that he wanted to meet me and I woke up. My boyfriend then said, "Do you want to meet Putin?" as if he was thinking and he could make it happen. I don't know how to describe it, but it was like he thought he had a connection to Putin. The only thing I know about his interests in Russia, are the women. And then the other day he pointed out to me that a few of his friends who saw me asked if I was Russian--they thought I looked Russian. I don't know what I said. Probably, "Oh! yes, I've been asked before, if I am Russian."