recap on last night

i didn't have that strong drink. in fact, i didn't drink at all, but i realize i'm not losing my mind, i really was picking up on the right thing, but it's still a little muddled.

also, as of this morning, i'm sort of wondering about something. i am going along with my marriage plans, despite some things and then he made a proposition that just doesn't add up at ALL when he was dropping me off. this is the first time i seriously question what the intentions are.

i feel like the intention is maybe to just deliver me to wenatchee and nothing more sometimes. something isn't right i don't think. but maybe i'm wrong...i've been wrong before and i'm still figuring out some things. something isn't adding up, but we've thrown a lot of ideas out there too, so i'm thinking still. i may be totally wrong, but he's not telling me something and gets really upset about certain ideas i toss in his direction, and i'm trying to put these things together to form a picture of what's going on.

i got a new pen for stabbing a deflating mattress with, if needed, i guess.

i mean, one minute he's mad at the idea we don't marry over here, because i brought up it could be better to go to wenatchee first so he can meet my son first and see how they get along, and then we could marry quickly and he said he wanted to marry here first and then he says we should go over there and not tell anyone over HERE that we're going to get married over there. I said "why not?" it doesn't make any sense. one minute he says let's marry here and have the party here and the marriage and presents and sending off, but then i say, why get married in private in wenatchee now? why NOT tell people here? i don't know, trying to figure this out. but i was thinking of going to colombia with him too and still may..it may all still work out. so anyway, why go to wenatchee, intending to marry there but not telling anyone here that we're going there? i don't get it.

he's a nice guy and there are some very strong positives. i have not changed my mind about marrying him. we're both thinking about everything. he was upset last night and then everything was fine. we could do some good things in colombia and he's got connections there and said he could help me with a job there. i wish i more to offer than picking fruit in an orchard, but i don't know what else there is to do in wenatchee, unless i can find a bilingual architectural firm. it's also very pretty in colombia, i've seen all the photos.

so after last night, he told me he thought no, he couldn't marry me and then he talks to me and thinks yes. he said one day i'm one way and the next i'm different. i said, "si, this is why i'm not married. yo soy cruel. una mujere cruel," i said joking. I said, "porque tu no mira mi novios para mi pasado? hay no novios porque todos hay mortes. es necessario por mi voy a wenatchee a dame flores en el cemetario...(he laughed)...con a companion."

he said a couple of really funny things but i can't remember right now...it will come to me though, i know.

(getting a bad feeling or vibe right now--like something is wrong. it's 3:33 but for the last 10 minutes felt something is not right, like a heaviness)

i told my boyfriend today that i wanted to visit the bureau of mines, which i didn't know existed until we were lost one day and drove past the parking lot. he said, "mines?" and we joked about that. he asked why and i didn't say. i think everyone knows why i would be interested in visiting. right? before leaving for wenatchee at least, i wanted a look around because i will be back. my boyfriend was okay with it and said colombia had a lot of mines and they didn't kill people but maimed them permanently. he said they're illegal now, because of a UN thing but i don't know what it is--i know canada passed something or spearheaded something, but i don't know all the details. i'm curious though. i feel i need to look around and find the archives at some point.

i still have this bad feeling but sort of mixed with good like someone is looking out for me, but i don't know what this vibe is about entirely. i guess since i'm documenting, i'll just write when it's gone, at what time. maybe if i document more, i could figure it out. it's nothing psychological though, this i know, it's more like the intuitive thing i get which has proved useful in the past so i know to trust it but i just don't know what it's for all the time. i don't get these striking premonitions although sometimes this has happened. other times, or more usually, i find something happened or happens, after-the-fact.

it's 4:41 and i still have this bad feeling.

how the hell does one try to get people like wenatchee cps people or anyone in that area at all, to take any of this seriously? they don't get it and don't get even one thing about me or what i've been through, and what reality has been for me.

you come out east and you finally meet some people who know what the possibilities are, who are very sensible and educated. it's just different. people believe me here a lot more than in that small town where everyone is supposed to look the same and the unimaginable is simply, unimaginable. then the stuff i was writing about yesterday...they would think i've just lost it and yet i know people over here know exactly what was-is going on and know i'm not nuts. i swear to god the u.s. intelligence people, at least some of them, know i'm not making things up or delusional. and like i said, no one wants "information" or intelligence from someone they really think is "off". so i still wonder why those who asked me about stuff, exactly what they know about ME, about the truth of what happened.

well, my boyfriend just came in and he has nothing to do with the weird bad feeling i've had and have now. there is something else going on i think. i didn't have any bad feelings regarding him at all, at least while he was here, but maybe something happened while he was away? i've no idea, but i don't think so bc i wouldn't have this feeling still. i don't have any bad feelings with the colombians i've met either.

who knows, maybe something is going on i don't know about but i don't really think so, in general. i think it has to be something else, maybe regarding my last boyfriend or maybe it's something overseas, i have no clue.

i think my boyfriend is just a normal average guy.

now i don't have this bad feeling anymore. it just left a few minutes ago and right now it's 5:01. that's weird. this is very weird. it's totally gone now. i have absolutley no idea what this is about. maybe it's different stuff, but i'm just noticing this vibe thing a LOT more and often. it seems like almost everyday or other day and it has nothing to do with me being manic-depression or cyclic crap, it's totally different. what's strange is that i feel completely relieved or at peace and uplifted. but it's not a mania deal, because i'm not impulsive or doing different things depending on my mood...it's something else.

yeah, the bad vibe is completely, and still, gone. i have no idea what it was about...yet. maybe one day i'll figure it out?