Sunday, February 22, 2009

images and thoughts & assault damages

cold slab concrete
altar for oranges
women and men
pyre from the sun
rinds and wrinkles
shrinking daily
pourous epidermis
hair thins and curls
shaft of bone
cells dividing, multiply
fusion by fire
radiate truth
come undone for once
unravel the skin around the core
forty times forty
forgiven
pull down the string
raise the standard
spin it back to the beginning
young, didn't know whether to hate
or love
love the deep waters
dive for the anchor
let me away and move on
by your word
enya's shores finding
waiting for two
free from the obligations
let us be, set us free
writing a name on the white flag
others sign with blood alone
those who would die to do me harm
intimidate me
one by one, follow me
mutiny
backlash for the lashes i received
let me see who you are
who stands for me
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down to the river they would go,
wibble wobble, wibble wobble,
to and fro
but the one little duck
with the feather on his back
he led the others with a
quack, quack, quack
quack, quack, quack
he led the others with a
quack, quack, quack

(recitation of a rhyme i sang often to my son)
***************************************

it's a pyramid of apples
how they stay together
like that, i don't know
snow? ice? for glue?
a perfect pyramid
holes from worms
peepholes for my eyes
i can see through
the superficial things of
este mundo
the priest said to me
my eyesight is not 20/20
the mind's eye
helps me
i am the eye
behind the trees
the props holding branches high
standing by a mountain
de manzanas
looking through
seeing everything
damame aqua por mis manos
mi amigo
it's dirty and the pesticides
cling to me
bees have flown
birds lie in the grass
reminding me of
mis hijos
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commentary...my favorite moment of the entire movie "no country for old men" was the
shot where the police officer says "I feel overmatched". I like the emotion in his face and voice and it's very understated and real. He really seems like he's trying not to cry and his voice is cracking. I like it. I can feel it too. I relate. I should have watched it again, twice. We're getting more movies today. My boyfriend was telling me the criminal killer in the movie was from Spain--he likes this actor a lot. I told him today how the movie made me think about the police officer who resigned in Texas, who was on some kind of drug task force. He hadn't heard of him. I think I want to follow the news surrounding all the Mexican drug war stuff. I have a heart for Mexico and I would like to see this country succeed in peace, and for them to turn the tide on the Americans, if anything, who are screwing people and tampering with the justice system. The Mexican people have a reputation, in U.S. armies, for winning the most Purple Hearts and being some of the most courageous in combat and I think they can use their strength and assets for good and not evil. It's interesting too, to learn about Colombia, because I'm told, by my Colombian friends, the cocaine and heroin come from Colombia, 80%, and then it's distributed to the U.S. by the Mexicans. Sort of like Colombia is the producer, Mexico is the main distributor, and America is the consumer part of the chain. I guess there are different cartels too, in Colombia, still, it's not as though nothing is left since the big 3 guys came down. There is some respect, too, for at least one of the cartel leaders, because he used most of the proceeds from drug money, to help the poor, establish clinics, and do good things for the people--he didn't hoard the money for himself, he was trying to help people. I think most Mexicans just need a way to make a living. maybe there is some allure to being part of a "group" or "familia" that offers some protection and a kind of tradition and feeling of comraderie, but I think a lot of these people don't want violence, they first just need to support their families and then, as friends of theirs get killed or imprisoned, they take it out on police and border patrol and rivals. I don't know why the Mexicans would want to kill eachother--they could make Mexico a great country, I mean, a top world leader, if they focused on unity and bringing their country up and their people back. In a lot of ways, people in the U.S. use Mexicans. They use them for cheap labor, and then use them to support their drug addictions and needs, and I think there is resentment stemming from this sort of exploitation. I think Mexicans should turn in the white guys at the top, or whoever is at the top, because they're really just users and will easily dispose of the lower level guys, even some of their own buddies at the top. They'll kill eachother to avoid being discovered by police who are on the side of justice...but I understand too, from my own experiences, that these guys who are "caught", if they're not at the top, they get SHAFTED by the U.S. justice system and do NOT get a fair trial or good defense. I believe in the rights of all, no matter how poor, how criminal, or who they are, to fair and equal trial and I would like to see serious reform. How can anyone expect people to respect the justice system when they, or if they, see the hypocrisy as they or their friends are jailed and their civil rights violated? When the FBI or police or whoever, if they don't respect the rights of others and follow the laws and regulations, it sets everything off-balance.

I think pharmaceutical companies have some links to the illicit drug underworld. I am libertarian when it comes to drug use. I think people should be protected, but that it should be legalized. There are very smart people who agree with me who are IN law enforcement.
**********************************************

I'm confused about what the neurologist wrote in her report because she said I had a problem with the herniated disc at L5, but she said there was no cord compression. If there's no cord compression, how is it causing incontinence and numbness? She said to me the disc was bulging into the spinal cord. I had asked her WHY am I having numbness and incontinence and she said it was clear that it was from L5 problems because it was bulging. Maybe it MOVES? so if I'm lying down one way, on MRI it doesn't show as much of the instability but if I'm in a different position or moving around, it bulges out differently and DOES cause cord compression?
obviously, these last segments are not images but just thoughts about stuff. I think if a disc is herniated, in any way, this probably indicates some instability and the probability that it DOES move and can bump into the cord now and then or pinch things off. A herniated disc is probably not totally immobile. I would think it often moves, especially with activity or long periods in a certain position that might cause more strain or pressure. Dr. Davori was pretty much discounting everything and I don't know why, but I'd like to see the results on the MRI myself. There may be different angles to capture too. Basically, though, this one neurologist felt there was no "imminent danger" which means I'm not in emergency status for it but it COULD be dangerous in the near future. I think I probably need a second opinion and further evaluation. I ALSO found out, the disc herniation at my thoracic level is not high up, near my neck or anything. If it is mid-back, it was probably caused by the assault by this woman. I had a problem with the C3 disc long ago that was documented and is just getting worse. I got the L5 disc herniation from childbirth damages and had no problems with it before. The thoracic disc herniation is totally new and there is no injury which would be associated with it except for the assault. I'll have to see exactly where it's located. If it's mid back or lower, it's definitely from the assault. I want to know where it's located too, to see what parts of the body it could be affecting.
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On Lyrica, day 2.

I really don't think I like this medication. I don't like the fact it's used for GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) either. It's a depressant and slows down brain activity and I feel, already, like I am talking and walking slower. My speech is not slurred or different in anyway except that I notice I am speaking at a much slower rate than is normal for me. I figure if I'm speaking at a slower rate, I'm probably thinking at a slower rate too. Because I don't censor what is on my mind. I spit out my words as they come to my mind. Also, it's not helping with the pain. I suddenly don't notice the numbness, but the numbness is not PAIN, it's just a numb feeling like my whole leg fell asleep, and it sometimes affects my pubic bone, to one side and is numb.

I think this is for more of a sharp, stabbling, pain and my pain is more deep, deep, aching. It's very strong aching pain. I honestly think the narcotics have been most effective for this kind of pain. I noticed the most relief with Diauldid, but it made me drowsy. Percocet doesn't help as much but I don't feel drowsy on it.

I know for a FACT, she SAID she was going to put me on LIDOCAINE. I don't know how this got changed to Lyrica. Lidocaine would have probably been effective for my pain in my back or stomach and I know this is what she said. She said "lidocaine" more than once too.

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