music today

like highway run, "we all need the clowns to make us smile."

this morning i was thinking about something someone said about a former girlfriend saying if he didn't like punks, he didn't like her. i just remembered today that i said the same thing to someone when i was in jr. high, that if he didn't like anne of green gables, he must not like me because everyone said i reminded them of her.

i remember the accusation or confrontation about "you're not so innocent" and wondered why he seemed to know so much about me and felt so confident chastising me, like a pastor would.

i remember the look when i began quoting scripture, the love passage from corinthians. all the looks trying to tell me something, and every time i knew, and looked up.

seems familiar somehow.

always talking about music analytically, even U2 and other things, wagner, in jr. high. but i don't know if this is the same person or someone else using information about me from my past.

but then from having lived in d.c. and conneticut, to the jolt when i brought up chicago, through someone else...something different but don't know what for sure.

the man making two triangles into the shape of a jewish star besides, on paper, interesting, after i wrote the poem about my hair fanning out into a triangle, but then inviting me to his car? that part scary.

i think someone has been speaking for others, but i cannot see the whole picture. i feel like i should be able to sort it all out, but i'm muddled still.

more than one person? i'm confused. something has been the same all the way through, i think...but i'm still confused.

i told my boyfriend, i am reserving valentines' day because in my whole life, it's always been a day where i was broken up from someone, or something was wrong. so i never had a really good v day. i called it independence day after a while, a day to celebrate my being single and free. the only time i remember v day standing out was the day i got a magnet on my locker in jr. high, but i didn't know it was a magnet. i just saw a snail with something growing out of it and i hurled it across the room, saying "ggrrooooosss!" and then i opened my locker and there was this nice card from a secret admirer, who took credit for the magnet. i hadn't known what the hell was on my locker and thought it was a prank. i told my boyfriend, "yo recibes un magnetico del escargot por el dia del valentina." i also got some stuffed bears.

i started just buying myself chocolates now and then, and i would eat a whole box while reading a novel.