I Don't Want To Be A Spy

I have decided I'm going to dump all of my hard-earned intelligence into a P.O. box at the post office with a note: "I don't want to be a spy".

I realized last night, in the tub, I do NOT want to be a spy. I started thinking about it after i thought I saw something happen and started thinking, oh my God and after someone said something to me about being a spy (not saying who or where or who they were with).

I had thought, when I was little, it would be interesting and exciting.

But it would be too scary. Then I thought, "Hell. I've been a frickin' activist and that's just as bad."

I think maybe worse! Activists and journalists are open about what they know and they TALK. I wonder if it's just AS dangerous or MORE dangerous than being a spy where you don't share stuff and keep your mouth shut.

I think maybe more journalists and activists get killed. I started thinking about all the journalists for all countries, who are kidnapped for their speech, and I think about Martin Luther King and the people who are assasinated for their open speech.

So I had this thought, that I just want to get my son and be protected. But then what do i do with my loud mouth? Someone has to hire you to be a spy. As an activist, you work for yourself. You decide what to say and when you're going to say it and to whom. If I were not keeping my mouth shut and sharing info with one person, would I be shutting up if I felt the info was beneficial to the world?

Then my other thought was that all the people who think the world will be destroyed with population overload...I thought, "No. As long as people are having CHILDREN, all people, all over the world, and every country, will have an interest in peace, and preservation of peace, for the sake of their children."

My final thought, was that I care too much about my son, but then when I shared the info I shared, knowing some of the risk, when my son was with me, I shared it because I felt it was important to more people than just me and my son. So then you wonder when you will decide on your child alone or if it comes down to the children of many, many, people, what will you choose?

In the past, I chose others, but I didn't know at what cost. I was aware of some risk but I didn't know everything. In the moment I had last night, I chose my son. The moment was not a meeting in an office, but just my own personal revelation in my mind.

But how can I keep my mouth shut if something bad is happening to others? or to me and or my son and therefore has potential to affect others? I don't know.

So I really don't know what the difference is, in choosing to be an activist or a spy. I would say one is more suited for extroverts and the other more suited to introverts, and that one is working for a group and the other is working as an independent, and one pays decently or at least SOMETHING, and the other doesn't pay at all, and one offers protection of others in a group and the other offers nothing in between you and God.