CIA or ? Mousetrap

I've been sleeping, mainly. My stomach still hurts and I've been trying to get the doctor to change the order for painkiller to something higher and no one is doing anything. I've been trying for hours, but it has to go through a nurse and I don't know how many nurses I've talked to and then they changed shifts. I do NOT feel good.

No one has looked at my back at all. My back and numb leg and incontinence is the other issue but they said they'd look at one thing at a time. I don't know why someone can't look at my leg issue while I'm waiting on the other stuff.

I don't have music and this sucks. I'm not counting my blessings today because today has been a lousy day. I'm in a bad mood still.

It would be sort of nice to think maybe I had a boyfriend who wasn't a liar, but the fact that I'll never be able to count on honesty is getting to me. It's true what they say about being lonlier in a marriage--for me, it's that there is nowhere to go. If you can't trust someone, how do you open up to them at all or enjoy their company for more than novelty? I wish my best friend Geoff were here right now, and actually, if I had a wish right now, it would be to have a mini-reunion of Geoff and my old friend Monica, to just hang out and joke around for a few hours.

They put me on some kind of anti-biotic for the uterine problems, to clear up any infection I might have.

I asked to see my medical chart, but they wouldn't bring it to me until I after I'd been given my medications which make me groggy, after waking me from a sound sleep. I'm like, "mmmpphhhmmhhheeh?" and she says, "I have your medical chart if you want to look at it. You can look at it now and you have 15 minutes." Nice timing.

I was asking for this chart all fucking day and night and I was offered a sneak peak in the middle of comatosis.

My boyfriend wanted to know if I was going to have to stay overnight and spend the night here. He's been gone for hours and I've not called him.

He keeps telling me he's so serious about everything, but then he does all these things which indicate he's not really. Plans keep getting changed and switched around from big party to little party to smaller party, to let's just do it in a restaurant. Like he doesn't care and none of his friends or family care to help anymore or something.

I wish I had someone I could trust. Why is it so hard to find an honest and direct man? It's not so much about actions as it is about being faithful to ones word. My boyfriend has a lot of good qualities and I don't fault him that. But why act pissed and insistent about my kissing him and being more affectionate or "letting him in" when he isn't telling me the truth all the time? This is going to have to get straightened out before Wenatchee and half the time it seems like he's trying to get me to say no and pull away.

It's like they were priming me for work in Colombia or to be some kind of spy or something, and when I didn't go for the spy bit, they want to drop the whole ball. I had way too many federal people involved in this.

And then, I know something must be cooking and that evidence is coming out about what happened to me, because for the last few weeks, I've had people I don't even know choose to sit next to me, almost in solidarity, and then they'll just look over at me and tear up and start to cry. This is happening with women and grown men. It's like they know something very bad happened to me and my son and yet no one is telling me anything. But I think shit is coming out.

I noticed yesterday, as I was typing along, several people walking by slowly, taking particular notice in my computer. Like they knew "this" was the computer the feds gave me and they're checking it out and me out. Some of the guys walking by were tall, very good looking, and very white collar, and some glared. I wonder how many, or if any of them, are a part of what has gone down and they are checking things out to see if it is true, that perhaps their number might be up.

I know the U.S. has information which would exonnerate me from all of the mentally ill accusations with regard to what happened to me and my son. But no one comes forward to make this public and I wonder if they ever will.

I'm starting to wonder if it's people from Colombia who were willing to assist me (for my assistance with their guy) or if it's just U.S. intelligence that also so-happens to be Colombian, making it appear as though I've help coming from another country when it's actually just the CIA or U.S., maybe trying to head me off by making such a proposal, to put me into a position where it will be easy to take my son from me or force me to have the psych evals and intelligence testing I don't need, which has absolutely nothing to do with parenting skills.

I'm starting to question too, the fact that the guy I mainly dated when I was doing the "sugardaddy search" was not just a highly educated psychiatrist for the FBI, but had friends who were high up in the CIA, as in third from the top. Why the hell did he just so happen to be dating ME.

I just feel I've been pursued and used by people in my country. All the while, no one does anything about the situation with my son. These people know there is nothing wrong with me and that I was telling the truth, and no one has done one thing to demand my son be returned to me.

Not to mention, these same people who know I've been harassed and persecuted for so many years, culminating in actual torture of me and my son and then traumatic separation, these same people act like I should WORK to get everything back that I lost, which I lost not because of my poor decisions, but because of the defamation, assault, harassment, and illegal cover-ups by others.

I'M asked to just forget the past and "move forward" and do everything the hard way, when I've been so set back, in so many ways, everyone knows I will never regain territory or ground or time I've lost.

I do think my boyfriend is in on something, and so is his friend or two. But no one could offer me the marriage blanc with insurance, a decent car, money to fully cover and pay for a private attorney, when I do think they are with some kind of intelligence. His fucking girlfriend works for an embassy and there are more "spies" than not who drive fucking lousy cars and claim to have no money. Nice touch with the fucking Chinese fortune cookie fortune. This guy is getting his drop info from a Chinese restaurant next door and picks me up from a cafe where I'd been all day, to take me to a Chinese place where we are given only one cookie, not two, as is customary. And then he lets me have the fucking cookie so there's no mistake that I'M the one to get the "coincidental message".

He's taken me home and introdued me to people and has all these ideas for pictures and appearance and he's had sex with me. Then I say I don't want to be a spy and I get offered two weeks in a hotel and assistance finding a job in D.C. from another man who just suddenly "pops up" out of nowhere, after I'd been trying to reach him forever and to no avail. I get the "depend on your feet" message, to choose the hotel option and ditch the marriage, as I'm sitting next to the guy I got fucking set up to be with.

They turn it whichever way they want and think they are going to back out without notice.

I have already made myself perfectly clear: I have good instincts. I have superior intuitive skills. If you are a "spy" or any kind of INTERMEDIARY FOR A SPY, I will fucking BLOW your cover, because no one is that good, good enough to keep detection from me.

Face it.

What this means, is that I have inside knowledge which allows me to see how thoroughly I am getting screwed no matter which way I look at it and that any so-called assistance from the U.S. is just assistance for themselves.

And yes, I'm a loose cannon. What did you fucking expect? I don't work for anyone except me, my own conscience, and God. That means you don't control me and never will. I am still, and have always been, on the side of the people. I am also on my own side, and yet I have others trying to play God with my future and fortune, as if they have the right, to do ANYTHING with my life except to be forthcoming.

I may not have the whole picture, or have it entirely correct, but I know something is going on and I don't think I should be made to suffer and be humiliated. There are agencies which should be simply paying me a very large amount by way of settlement, for damages for all that's been done to me, which some of their own employees orchestrated and were behind. I should be compensated, in the billions, for punitive purposes, and for the covering of my and my son's total damages, physical and emotional.

After what I've been through, I shouldn't have to work a single fucking day of my life, after having worked for a large number of assholes for years, and not seeing one penny for profit from it. It has nothing to do with laziness. Anyone I've worked with knows I'm a hard worker. But frankly, for those who know what I've had to fight and how much work I had to put into fending for myself when others could have helped and didn't, those people know I have every legitimate right to feel I should not have to work, or fight, another fucking day. Not for the government or people connected to it at least.

I've lost everything, and how dare you or anyone tell ME, that after all this, I should work for you. I would choose to work, if I had independent means of setting up for myself, and I would work for the public, myself, on my own terms and through my own business.

I'm not the "rags to riches" story, or the American Dream story or the lotto story or the from ground-up story. I am the "Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country can do for YOU" story, after my country allowed and still allows others to run me into the dirt without legal recourse through the abuse of the system and powers therein.

I have people treating me like shit, even now, but behind my back. Thinking I'll never know, or notice, and that no one gives me info and/or I'll never find out. I have my own boyfriend setting his phone to answer calls from me with a twilight zone or psycho ringtone and erasing photos he took of me without my knowing they were being taken, of me in my old jacket. When I asked where they went, after he'd deleted them, he lied and said he didn't know what I was talking about.

I'm tired of being lied to about so many things.

Just pay me, clear my name, and let me live my life. My gifts and talents are not for you to hone, take, or use, and I make my own decisions.

I am not going to live very long, and those of you who know what happened to me is true, know this. I have a right to be with my son and enjoy my time with him and work towards my own goals. I have a right to be cleared, and then for my son and I to be protected and to be able to disappear.

I'm willing and have been willing to do far more for you than I was ever given in return. I don't need or want to be challenged. I want compensation and I want my son, period. If you want to screw with this or make it difficult for me and enjoy the idea of a mouse running through a maze and trap, this is all fun to watch, isn't it?