My Punishment?

I spout off about what's been going on, with this whole thing about my being a spy and then the lack of help for clearing my name and getting my son back, and guess what happens this morning?

My network administrator operated laptop, given to me courtesy of the U.S. government, fails to work today, due to "software or hardware changes."

Fuckers.

And yesterday, my boyfriend went OFF about my using the computer and how he didn't like it and I was "different" after using it. He said, in the morning you're fine with me and then you go on the computer and you're different afterwards. I told him what was he saying, and that it didn't make any sense. I said, what?! you don't want me to be on the computer so much? TOUGH. I tried to say that in Spanish. I said, "Oh, tu no quieres el education de mujeres? Que esta tu problema? Si esta ti or mi computadora, quiero mi computadora." And then I spit, "Puttoooey,". No, I didn't spit. But I wanted to throw that in for fun.

He kept going off and after looking at rings and getting a ring size for ordering from Colombia, or who knows where? CIA? and then tells me there will be no car available for next week. I said, "WHAT?!!!" No esta possible.

I told him, last night, went off about people asking ME to be a SPY, which obviously speaks to my credibility, and doing NOTHING to just clear up the mess regarding my son.

These people are ALL USERS.

They don't care if I ever get my son back. All they wanted, was to USE ME for their own means. If I have so much to offer intelligence, it would be because I am believed because EVIDENCE came in to CONFIRM what I've been saying is TRUE.

And if that's the case, I shouldn't have to jump through bullshit hula hoops to get my son back. Someone should be coming forward with the evidence and clearing me and giving me back my son without further ado.

My boyfriend called his mother yesterday to give the spelling of my name for the ring. He didn't know how to spell it and I said, "que tu mama pense tu no sabes mi nombre?" I thought, this is crazy. I am marrying this man, not for money, but to be my personal witness. And yet, he's saying he wants to go to all the attorney appointments but he didn't have an interest in being present for my medical appointments. What the hell. Then, half the time he's funny and one person and intelligent, and the next minute he can't remember what we've discussed earlier and he's trying to repair a hole in an air mattress with cheese because gum isn't working and sticking. I said, "tu eres SERIO?" about the cheese. I finally lost it and said, "Yo dormir en la pisa. Cerrado la luce." He said, no, the floor wasn't good to sleep on. He said he was thinking. I said, "Pense en el cuarto moreno!" Think in the dark! So I think about some things like this and wonder what the hell and then he and his buddy kept promising to help me get some weed for prevention of my migraines and they do nothing.

Promises, promises. AND, they act like drugs are bad, and want to know where I'm getting my supply. I'm like, what are they? FBI or CIA? I'm probably marrying this dude just because someone wants intelligence on ME and what I'M up to. This is ridiculous.

I don't know who to trust, period. I absolutely think I feel I understand Princess Di. And I'd like to know how many people have left their respective intelligence agencies because they were just being USED. People just using them with no care or regard for their FAMILIES and what they love most?

Where are the hands? I want to know how many people are treated like SHIT by their own governments, as an end to a means.

All I've wanted, is the truth.

Period.

I want my son back, no FUCKING strings attached.

What do I have to do? file a lawsuit naming all these federal people who have info on me and who've approached me for things, to prove...huh! for SOME CRAZY reason, the U.S. knows I'm not nuts and never was.

I wonder WHY.

I like The Smith's "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now." The part where it goes, "...In my life, why do I, give valuable time, to people who don't care if I live or I die..."

I think the U.S. just wants to use me for their own purposes and then whenever convenient, fall back on a "oh, she's just mentally unstable" excuse. Very convenient for people to use me when they want and spit me out whenever needed. FUCKERS. I am PISSED.

Oh what a tangled web we weave. I'd like to see these assholes untangle from me now. Thought I would fall for some glamorous idea of being a "spy" and yet I'm being screwed all along the way, and no one does a fucking thing for just getting my son back with me and coming forth with confirmation that what I said happened, really happened.

It's one thing to work for people who have an interest in helping many people and children, and preserve peace. Yet, if they think they can throw the baby, MY BABY, out with the bathwater, you'd better fucking think again.

I make my own fucking choices, and I speak for my OWN life, and I have said I want my SON, and I choose this over being a fucking SPY. I also choose my credibility and my good name over going into some shady underworld. I have been harassed and persecuted for almost 7-10 years and I'm not giving up on my GOD DAMN RIGHT to have a normal life and my name restored.

Choose your own fucking sacrifice for the altar, because I am not Isaac and my son is not a Jacob.

Everyone I know, is just a user. Users. No one actually cares about me or my son and what the truth is, not even my own fucking family with their own control issues.

I am my own agent. I am an agent unto myself and I speak for my own conscience, not the conscience of others. And for this, I will be treated like shit, to the very end.

I feel like all along, I've been set up to lose everything. Then I have my son and I get set up for this. Someone decides I may be "useful" and decides to capitalize on my FATE and MISFORTUNE.

Last night I just wanted to drink, and so I did. Then we got home and I ran a hot bath and just sat there, with a glass of wine. My boyfriend keeps trying to get me to eat, and wanted me to even eat in the tub if I would eat. So he brought wings to me and a glass of wine and sat on the toilet. It was our engagement day and he commented on how romantic it was, after changing the liner for the trash next to the toilet. So I was sitting there, in the tub, with my arms crossed over my chest, over my knees, bent and thinking with my head down. just thinking. And he brought in wings and I ate them in the tub. I commented, "Oh bueno. Si possible por mi lavarse mis manos en el aqua." So disgusting. I finished the wings and rinsed my hands in the bathwater, and commented, "mira, yo soy en aqua con carne de pollo." I added, "mi sangre es muy azules, no? hay no sangre rojo en este mujere."

Then I tried practicing my intuitive powers and maybe failed, I don't know. I said I thought he'd had a pet goat when he was little. A goat especiales. He said his father had a farm but he couldn't think of a special goat. Then this morning I said he was a victim of pagar el pato, a scapegoat and he wouldn't answer.