thoughts today

i am working up to getting some writing done on my oig complaint. i had to get out of the house--i was feeling confined and captive even though there's a wi-fi connection there...i just needed something different. i like being around people even if i'm not talking to them. i got out of bed late.

haha. this song by lucinda williams: honeybee. i see all these people in big fat bee costumes running around in leotards, stinging eachother. fat honeypots for paint pots, with broad brushes for swiping unsuspecting passerbys. shellacing tabletops with photos of flowers. bees buzzing around, setting up a bee cafe. shellacing (msp) flowers to the wall for a collage. beeswax candles all over, dark or dim room. two bees dueling over one queen bee, one grabs the stinger of the other bee and twirls him by it and then tears it off, sending the bee shooting across the room when the air is charging out of the stinger end like a balloon, bee flying around the room in the stupid bee costume. (i have no idea why my imagination runs wild, it just does. i can't help it) the sound going out is something between a deflating balloon and a whoopee cushion and the other bee, holding the stinger uses it for a sword, trying to poke at the other one who is flying out of control. queen bee is perched on the bar, dipping her finger into a dish of honey, tasting the honey, trailing it across the foreheads of the line-up of soldier bees passing by for inspection, she's watchign the duel from the corner of her eye, and idly picks up a daisy, begins plucking off petals "he loves me" "he loves me not" queen bee in a fat bee costume with a garish gold crown between her feelers.

i got to hear "her melancholy muse" again too. this one makes me feel like crying and then next, like smiling, and then crying. provokes different responses depending on my mood. other ones i like too, and like "dear diary" by patty larkin. like "old hanoi" by patty griffith. she has such an easy and comfortable voice, a patchwork quilt and rocking chair voice. i used to have one of her cds i'm trying to work up to writing the oig complaint but just enjoying listening to music i guess, for now. the last song brought up a poem written on a napkin, and i was reminded i wrote a couple of poems impromptu on a napkin once and gave to someone in exchange for a cartoon drawing. i wonder if he kept it. i didn't know him. i just gave it to him while we were sitting at the pub. i think if i can fix all the crap in pac. nw re. my son, if i'm in the u.s., i'll be in the d.c. area and even though it's not known for the music scene, i would like to be more involved in music, in some way--either encouraging others or doing a little bit myself or both. music is such a part of my life, anytime i try to disconnect i am not myself but i forget this. i am really happy for lady gaga, and after hearing her music, i was an instant believer in her talent. i like her uk version of poker face better than the u.s version though...i liked the pppp-p-p-p poker face sort of thing. she omits this in the u.s. version but i really liked it, it was different, but it was cool and fun to sing along with. i was also really impressed to hear britneys "womanizer" song. i didn't even know it was her. that was an incredible comeback song. very strong and you have to credit all the backstage people and producers putting that together. it's really nice to see mariah and britney make these impressive comebacks after exhaustion or whatever breaks. you wonder too, what's going on in their lives behind the scenes which they can't share for publicity or pr reasons. they are not immune to tragedy and being used and i'm looking forward to britney's autobiography.

i don't feel there are any music opportunities in washington state. it's just not a good place for me. living in wenatchee or spokane, is not a going to be conducive to inspiration. i like d.c. because while it's sort of dangerous in some ways, it's interesting. i like all the foreign people and embassies and everything. it keeps me from being bored. i like the idea of intrigue too, serves my imagination well. i think it would be fun to get into a little italian community in nyc too, and learn the culture and write about it, but really, all of the cultures have something really interesting about them. i really haven't traveled much, but i learn a lot listening to people who have lived in other parts of the world.

things i like about the different cultures (generally, for me):
african american: sense of humor. some of the wittiest people, practicing since birth i think. more of a trading creative insults humor. music. would rather go to an african american church than a white one, for the music alone. freer in expressiveness, well,at least in church. also, i like the fact that they know what it's like to be pushed down...i mean, in that i can totally relate.

jewish: i like the symbolism and how rich in symbolism this culture is. no wonder mossad is one of the best, right? it's intricate and i really liked going to the orthodox synogogue in portland, not because i was going to be orthodox but because it was a more extreme representation of the cultural origins. really like the candle lighting stuff...always had a thing for a candles and my favorite thing of all, the kissing of the scroll. i don't as much now, but when i was younger, i was always kissing my books. smelling my books too. i guess i love to read. ? 6 day war my father was always talking about, about how impressive it was. situational humor--my kind of humor.

muslim or middle eastern muslim: most of the people i turored from iran, iraq, uae, and saudi, were very easy to talk to and liked to joke around a lot as well. they were always teasing me. very social, in my opinion and hospitable. most of the ones i knew spoke well of jewish and christians, saying they were brothers to the jews, and that they had a common father and that they believed jesus was a great prophet. it's permissable for muslims to marry christians...they are not opposed, in general. i was sort of proposed to once, to be a wife! or one of them, i guess the head wife since i would've been the first one. the food i love. mint, fallafel, the yoghurt, cucumbers and tomato. women actually had a highly developed sense of sytle and fashion--usually very put together.

catholic culture: not a nation, but aside from my reservations and problems with some in this group, i have always appreciated the art and symbolism as well. i like the "smells and bells" though i wouldn't feel comfortable going to a catholic church, i used to enjoy figuring out what all the different things stood for. also like some of the theologians, esp. early ones.

english: always liked everything english but maybe i'm so like, appreciate learning more about other cultures. do not like traditional english food except pudding and brisket. i prefer things that are not bland. i've discovered i really like english bands for some reason and post punk and some punk and some of the modern artists too. like the literature, esp. classic literature. my major is in english lit. for a reason, though i would have enjoyed going for a degree in classic lit. to include russian novels. i like the dry humor and wit and ability to create an incredibly long sentence with countless commas and still have it sound right. some of the best poets too. and gardens. i have a thing for gardens.

irish: music. would like to be in on the real irish pub thing. that would be so fun. would like to visit ireland some day. used to listen to irish music or classical music on sundays as a routine. lt. gardening to classical in the morning in the spring and summer and evenings at an irish pub with someone playing legit irish music.

have to insert this comment about paula cole's "feelin' love" lol. this one is so good it makes me laugh. oh yes i could sing this one and mean it. like the "you make me wnat to be a dumb blond in a centerfold" part and the tied to the bed part. she reminds me, vocally, of sarah mclaughlin

scotland: child and welfare policies...people in charge are very progressive, sort of like france, with respect for mother and child and ability to care for and have a career but put child first without losing out on careers. lots of scottish inventors too, and like the tartans. bruce.

iran: specifically, i think i know more about iran than other middle eastern cultures. have learned more about pakistan too. but like all things persian. great high art and food. also almost took farsi as a foreign language at portland state because i discovered they had a lot of poets and i thought it was a beautiful script and if i was learning a language, wanted to enjoy what i read in that language. pakistan sort of reminds me of a cross between india and iran maybe?

japan: my first thrilling introduction to another culture, in kindergarten. my best friend was from japan and had been in the states a year or less. she taught me origami and gave me rice candy with the stickers in the box. that candy is still one of my favorites. they're chewy pieces with powdered sugar coating. in a way, very similiar to aplets and cotlets bc of the gelatin, but without the fruit. rice candy came first. it is individually wrapped in thin papers. the japanese grocer of a little convenience store was always interested in me because i would go in as a child and buy mambas and then these rice candies. i am also a big fan of japanese woodblock art and had calendars with this art all the time, and then alternated once with a jewish traditional holiday calendar with art and script. but the fairytales are interesting too. almost forgot: sushi.

china: the food. i don't know that much about china except that it's incredibly beautiful in some parts and not just a huge city as i always thought. saw photos once of the scenery and was surprised. i would be happy if my son learned spanish and an alternate language like chinese or something middle eastern for a employment edge.

india: the food again and the people seem to be really friendly. like the colors in indian culture and saris and some of the traditional dances women learn. really like the food and spices. used to have some very rare spices i used for cooking when i cooked more. i went through a big cooking phase.

ethiopia: i don't know much about specific african cultures and they're all unique from eachother, but i like ethiopian food. it's spicy and they use a kind of salsa or something like in mexican food. i can tell if a scarf is made in ethiopia by the design and weave. one woman gave me some scarves and i can pick them out.

mongolia: i've met some people from mongolia who were very considerate of me and watchful, and sweet. deep thinkers.

insert--patty griffin's "top of the world" is really pretty. birds, airplanes, and high mountains and skyscrapers. wow. really cool, especially at the end, where a folksong is sung a capella.

russia: the psychology. so character-driven, the novels and delving into the twists and turns and complications of the psyche. one of my favorite composers is tchaicovsky. i just butchered that spelling. i used to know how to spell it. some of the best character portraits are found in russian lit. once practiced learning the russian alphabet. i did that with the hebrew alphabet too. i learned "alefbet" in hebrew and that was as far as i got. all i remember of russian is dah and nyet. thank you russia for vodka. my favorite hard liquor.

vietnam: good food, and spring rolls! but i don't like the cartilage and certain parts in that soup. i leave those. really good vietnamese food in oregon, in the portland suburbs.

mexico: i've already talked a lot about mexico.

italy: opera, not all but a lot of it. the expressiveness, and the lilt of the language. probably the food but i don't think i've had really authentic italian before. i don't like the desserts because they're sort of bland. i'd rather have a french dessert. something with a custard or cream filling, or creme brulee.

france: creme bulee, my favorite dessert. i tried to learn french when i was a little girl, on my own, but didn't have any audio tapes. just went off of a book. only learned see-voo-play because of the descriptions: see-voo-play. i can roll "r"s like a latina but i cannot get that gutteral french sound. i've tried and it eludes me, even though i have an ear for detail. i cannot replicate it correctly. i LIKE french food. give me the fat. cream sauces and seafood. like the wine tradition and think all children should start in their teens. not a real fan of monet but i like degas a lot. pastels and colors. there's another that's simliar to degas who i also like..christian something or other? l'cro--mmm, i forget. yes to modern art. my favorite art is modern.

denmark: educational system is superb and health not too bad either. pretty welcoming to immigrants in general as well.

sweden: open and progressive.

australia: the rowdiness and jovial attitude. i like the freedom in cursing and drinking. why not? oh, some of the world's best windsurfing...someday I want to windsurf off of australia. don't care so much to snorkel--i'd rather windsurf. hooray for the progeny of criminals!

--insert: lyle lovetts "that's right, you're not from texas" is great. one of my favorite's by lovett.

hungary: like chegal. like all bohemian things. like the gypsy idea too of hungary and romania. interesting.

thailand: food. spring rolls with peanut sauce. have a thing for spring rolls. the coconut soup with tofu and spicy. i think thailand is extraordinary but scared to go there since watching that movie with claire danes. i don't want to end up in any other country's jail. canada doesn't even let you have PENCILS to write with. i do not like the idea that documentation of things is prevented. also, for all the healthcare wonders of canada, they didn't have in-house medical people either--you had to have a doctor from outside of the jail come to see you. which is a little odd, i thought.

canada: since i'm on canada...people of canada are wonderful. really took me in, and the guards and RCMP were all, in general, really outstanding and couldn't understand why in the world i was such a hot item to the united states. well my friendly canadians, read my oig complaint for one thing. you'll see what i was up against. really easy to get on in canada, though some were more formal. very progressive with regard to marijuana, which is not only sensible, it makes me think they must be ahead in a lot of other ways. for one thing, they are using ergotamine in iv and it's the first time i had this and it WORKED for my migraine. 10 years in the u.s. with no ergotamine for me. also, weed is an outstanding preventive for migraines. well, they're dollar is still stronger too, right? i like their tv program for kids with the dancing adults--my son loved it. i also liked the series about the canadian intelligence which makes fun of itself with the assistant telling an interviewer how she knew she was meant to be a spy because she was always peeking around corners and using magnifying glasses and stuff. and then the canadian intelligence guy is about 5'2" and standing next to the american intelligence guy who is 6'5" and some blond viking type and he's got all this high sci-fi stuff but is an idiot and the canadian guy is in an old office with a dial telephone and crap. it's funny.

germany: film producers and cinema. the architecture of the buildings and houses. sauercraut!

morrocco: the sweet tea and the ceramic art.

--nanci griffith's "mountain of sorrow" so sad. but i'm starting to get pissed about these "wish i could have but can't" songs. what the hell. put up or shut up. getting discusted with sentimentality and "love unrequieted" crap. people have choices and they choose to let things hold them back or go forward. if you want to go for it, you go for it. social status, distance, and other commitments--all these things can be overcome if people really to overcome those things. tired of the pity party songs which alternately are romantic and then pathetic at the same time. i guess i'm a practical romantic. my brother found and got one of the most beautiful women in the entire freakin' state and has guys envying him all the time. why? because he made a fucking move when the others were too afraid. she even told him this. if i were a man, i would go get it. sadly, even as a feminist, it's not my fucking place to do this. i feel relegated to waiting for others to come to me because of the dictates of society. it's romantic to wait for a decade for true love, and then again, how sensible is that? why not get married and then divorced or have a relationship because how does anyone know what's coming around or not? i see both sides. i'm a waiter and have a lot of patience and then you think, it's stupid to put your entire life on hold. i believe in god but i don't think i believe in marriage as some kind of holding cell or compact forever, nor do i think it's a sacrament or a prison. it's what you make of it, whether you have paper or not, everything is about what you make it. the u.s. has a lot of great laws, which are wonderful in theory but different in practice. i don't know, if it's one and true love, then it's a big deal, but it's what you put into it i think. my whole family would be hanging their heads, telling themselves i'm going to hell for this thought. but i don't know. i am in love with my fiance, fortunately, but i think for others, i don't know anymore. there's just all this drama in the unrequieted thing. what if charles and camilla had just married right off the bat? i think, probably, one or both of diana's sons will be more careful to go for the one they really love. that's the good thing.

catie curtis: cross over to me is an interesting song. i like it for its simplicity and demands.

just saw a white plane overhead but thought it was a seagull at first. i think it must be weird, but whenever i see a single seagull in the blue sky, i think of that shot of diana sitting on the boat with the seagull overhead, looking pensive. there is probably going to be some new kind of entry into the DSMVs for people who identify with Diana, Princess of Wales. seriously. it's like the princess di syndrome and all the famous people have it. oh, and me. well, i AM going to write a book and i have an interest in the case itself so that's a little different right? i prayed though, when i saw the seagull, that i would get some insight into the case. you never know. you just never know. it never hurts to pray and send out a request.

like mindy smith's "you just forgot" but it's sad. and shawn colvin is good: wichita skyline. shawn colvin always makes me think of chuck from incredible universe, the guy who was one class away from graduating with an impressive degree but just couldn't face that speech class--too shy.

really like chapin carpenter: stones in the road. this type of music, from yesterday and today, is the kind of "folk" music i like...the songwriter stuff. where the lyrics are usually as strong as the music.

for the first time in almost a week, i am sort of getting the bad vibe. like something isn't right. i guess it's about 5:13 p.m. and i've felt this way for about a half hour or an hour...i am not sure why. i don't feel anything is different with regard to my life. but i sense something is "off", or that heaviness again.

i was just thinking, i wonder what would happen if one of diana's sons, harry or william, started dating someone who was muslim. i think it had more to do with her activism, but i wonder what would happen, out of curiosity, if it began to look like one of the sons was going to marry a muslim woman with connections in the muslim world? i would almost like to see this staged, not to get someone killed if that was part of the reason, but still...i would like to see who or what comes out of the woodwork. but maybe it was the intention of some group to let charles marry camilla, not with the royal family in on it, but for a number of reasons, and if that's the case, as diana thought, being with someone who is muslim wouldn't provoke the same kind of concern or reaction. it could have been the whole combo: 1. we want charles and camilla to marry 2., we want diana out of the activism and weaponry game, 3., we don't want a muslim alliance.

was it one thing or the whole package? i still want to know what happened to the dossier that just disappeared.

for whatever reason, almost as soon as i wrote about this bad feeling, it was gone about 10 minutes later. not usually that fast and i've no idea why.

heard another song by eliza gilkyson that I liked: wild horse. she's on tour but mainly in europe. i'd go to see her. i like her music. i don't know why i like this song so much but i heard it a lot when i was a little girl: you needed me by anne murray. i like anne murray's christmas songs too. nice warm alto.

okay, i am onto the oig complaint now.