thoughts tonight

listening to folk music and feeling "good vibes" in general. Your Love's the Only Thing that Remains by Reba McEntire, and lots of other good songs. I heard Her Melancholy Muse again, and it made me feel like crying this time. I wanted to look her up, she's like a deja vu but tonight I got onto my connection and then couldn't go to other pages, just the ones i'd opened first were connecting to the server. So that's alright, I'll look it up later. But I did have a lot of things I wanted to look up tonight.

I slept in until forever and had to take 2 Percocet and 4 Advil to get going. I took a very long bath for about an hour and a half I think.

I realized I've lost weight tonight, seeing myself in the bathroom cafe mirror. I can see the bones in my chest or breastbone. My stomach is still slightly bloated from the surgery and I'm still bleeding but maybe not more, just the same. My fiance keeps telling me to eat and checks to see if I've had anything to eat. I forget to eat these days and just don't have the same appetite. I'm not trying to lose weight, it's happened unconsciously.

I have seen zero evidence of drug use, but for all my fiance's talk, tonight I wondered. He was all "up" and loving last night and positive and then today, I didn't feel he was honest about something that was small but very important and he was suddenly looking at me with the grim face.

this song by Alison Krause is pretty, but I've heard a few "dying songs today". "You Must Live So I Give You To His Heart" (?). I don't know for sure if this one is a dying song or a letting go song. A couple of others were "troublesome waters" so sad and "how do I say goodbye". Liked railroad wings (patty griffin), "I Still Miss Someone (roseanne cash), You Just Need a Home, Soon (tanya tucker), In Our Dreams (paula cole)...this one makes me cry--"Boots of Spanish Leather" by Nanci Griffith. it reminds me of an irish or english folk ballad. I would like to sing this one. I mean, in public or for a performance or whatever. I like this one too...by Mindy Smith and it makes me smile. "New Year's Eve" and I consider this one to be a "torch song", best sung in slinky dress near piano in crowded, dark, artsy club.