Monday, August 31, 2009

New Hypopigmentation On Son's Skin (Not Genetic)

I said I wouldn't blog unless it might be life threatening.

I am only concerned because my son has hypopigmentation on his arm that is new.

There are two large spots on his right hand near the wrist, and his lower arm.

He never had this before. It's new.

It's the same thing, the same kind of hypopigmentation that happened to me. He doesn't have it as badly as I do. I could only see a couple of spots and then some small faint ones on his leg.

Anyone can see the same thing I see.

My son didn't have this before I left the area for the appointment I made. I checked him at every visit, just a lookover to be sure he didn't have signs of abuse because he still goes to different people sometimes, and is outside of my supervision.

It's not genetic because I never had this in my life, until what was going on in the Seattle area. It showed up for the first time there.

With my son, same thing, and yet he was in a totally different location.

I know beyond a doubt that The Avilas wouldn't have done anything which caused this. I have no doubt whatsoever.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

For My Ex: I Am Waiting & I Am Praying Tonight

I am waiting for one I truly love. I truly love someone and I am faithful to him. I miss my Ex. Even though I don't know everything that's been going on, I miss him.

I feel a lot of loyalty came from the Colombians and they were so good to me in so many ways, I think about the good times and missed it tonight. I played Shakira tonight and sang along and just thought about the good times.

A lot of what I wrote was fiction, it is true, with some fact mixed in. I always told my ex to never believe anything I wrote because I always changed my mind about everything.

I change my mind and I told him sometimes I would write things to mislead people.

I am faithful in my heart and in my spirit. I've made some recent mistakes. I am vulnerable and not in the best position.

I need to figure out what to do from here.

I walked out today and noticed I was being mocked again, mainly by some white people. I felt badly about it.

I don't understand everything and I have a wild imagination, but I am going to think hard and take a new direction today. I need to think. I need to think about what to do. I get confused and mixed up.

Alvaro told me that after I had my son, we might be together again. It wasn't working before because I was very stressed out and not myself.

I ran into someone and talked to him but the thing is, I don't know what to think. I don't know who is who anymore and I really want to do the right thing and if it means I'm an absolute fool and if it means people are really, really, confused, it doesn't matter.

I sang from my heart tonight. I sang "La Tortura" and "Suerte" and then I sang "Objection".

So this is the twist--I have written crazy stuff but I have repeatedly told people I was working on a book. I started a new kind of story tonight even, but it's not turning out. It doesn't sound very good at all.

I just spoke to Alvaro a week or so ago and things were cool. He couldn't say a lot but we said we loved eachother. I do love him and although things started out slowly, I truly began to love him. We met under different circumstances, but it was something that grew although he seemed to be into me right away. It took a little more time for me but then I realized he talks like a gentleman, he is always by my side, and he is loyal to me in many ways, even when others were trying to pull us apart. It wasn't easy. It was extremely difficult in fact.

I wasn't the easiest person to live with or to be around. I was extremely sick with the miscarriage stuff and just wanted to lay in bed half the time. I had a blast at the parties, but I wasn't very fun or sociable. But in my opinion, it was true love.

When we split, it wasn't because he was doing anything wrong except I didn't know about that housemate. Other than that, he couldn't find work at the time over here. He had to go back to Maryland for work and I needed to stay here. We discussed possibly getting together after I had my son, because I was so stressed out about my miscarriage and also about the situation with my son. It wasn't easy for Alvaro that's for sure.

I thought he wasn't always easy but I was the one who was a pill. A lot of it wasn't my fault because i was so ill, and stressed out, but still. I did wonder if he wanted to be with me before I asked him to leave, but I think someone was telling him that when I went to the hotels, that I was sneaking off with someone. Different people tried to cause problems for us.

I didn't always have the full trust of the Colombians, but it was because things went on and off with us and they didn't know what was going on. I also lost my temper once or twice and said things I shouldn't have said. But I haven't even gone out since Alvaro left. I haven't gone dancing since he left. Not once. I haven't dated either.

I met someone lately, but I have been confused about everything. I don't know who is trying to "get to someone" that I love. I don't know what everything is all about but I've had this said to me several times, that maybe some of my problems have been that someone is trying to get to someone else, some other guy.

At any rate, I told this person I'm with I just want to pray tonight and he said okay. I need to pray a lot more and wake up every day and pray before I start my day. I want to pray for Alvaro and his family and all the Colombians and my son and for my attitude and for whoever thought to do me harm or who thought I was trying to do them harm. The DEA guy told me he thought probably someone just thought I had a piece of a puzzle and knew something but I don't know what it is someone would think I know. I have, never in my life, saw or witnessed anything that is a big deal and I asked the DEA guy if I could be in protective custody just because someone "thought" I was a threat and he said no. He said you have to know something and I don't have anything. So I'm stuck. I don't want to be in trouble for something I don't even know is going on and I don't know if it's something way back from my past, or if I look like some Russian woman (someone said they thought this was the case) that was "wanted", or if I pissed some group off so bad they just don't like me. I don't even know who exactly it was that wanted to poison me. But I'm still scared, because I don't know. I don't know if someone way back in my family was in some kind of intel and there is a generational deal going on, or what.

I don't want to be in this position.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

images & explanation of "vibe" (heart thing)

ah, all work and no play
hmmmph i know who is staying
i know who you're seeing
i can see
mis ojos, oh, pero tu no sabes espanol
tu eres ingles
i'm in the same place--haven't moved an inch
let's just say
my eyes take me around the world
no hiding
no run for cover
no secrets
i got a mesage from the action man
...still have that strong positive vibe. it's been almost all day. 1:55 PST. very srong at 1:57 PST. it's sort of a feeling like being drunk in a good way but you don't need a drink and haven't had anything at all. except it's not in the head. it's not being buzzed. it's right at the heart. and i really don't care how weird that sounds, because people either understand or they don't. some people call such a feeling a "burning in the bosom" (mormon), others call it enlightenment, others call it a spiritual experience, some call it energy, others call it a "vibe", and it's not in the head at all. it's right in the center, and it doesn't affect reality or action or any kind of decision-making. it's totally different. it's at the heart and that's the only way i know how to describe it. i wish i could put it into words better without making it sound so odd. but it doesn't have anything to do with a mental process, it's a heart thing. I feel it in my heart.

I think it actually sounds more strange to call it a "vibe" because no one has any clue what this means. It's not like a bodily sensation or anything in the head. It's just at the heart and I sense it.

The image of Bujanda's prayer card what was in his police car comes to mind: the sacred heart of christ. With the flames around the heart. This symbol sort of fits but that's not what this is regarding, for me. I know that this has something to do with someone who cares about me, I'm quite sure.

still have this vibe. 7:36 PM. still very strong but it's driving me, no...that would be bad to say "nuts". driving me to distraction, but i got more information on nursing.

i like this one dire straights song so much i stopped for a minute but i am looking into the programs.

i did it! i looked into the program, and sent out email to wenatchee program. i am looking into nursing. well, this is definitely a change of plans but i feel it is right. i think it's right in every way. it would put me into a marketable job and get me making money doing something that at least involves science and people. and i'm trying to figure out if i could maybe do practical nursing first and work to make money but work torwards RN degree. I like the nurse practioner thing better, but maybe I can take the 2 year part and switch over. i don't know.

i decided to delete my earlier posts. i had some things happen but then decided i guess it really is better to just quit, unless i'm directly in danger. i was writing about computer stuff but in some ways, writing about these things just feeds it. i think it makes whoever is doing this stuff, happy to have the advertisement and credit. so i'm not going to do it anymore. i think it just needs to go away.

i also know i've made a mistake or two but i feel very committed to waiting for this person i know i'm supposed to be with in the future. i am not going to say who and i'm not always sure. but i'm just at peace with everything.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Details On Names & History

First I will say, I don't know anything really "big". Nothing to get anyone into trouble, but I've just had a lot of mind games played and I'm tired of that:

I am trying to think how I would even start to detail all the things that have happened since I was in D.C. and before, back to even what was happening in E. Wenatchee and then everything that followed.

I have a lot of names and a lot of people are linked, but I don't know how. But many people knew eachother and there were a lot of mind games.

So I think about writing things down and wonder how to get it all down, and how it will come across. I'm really tired of the mind games, mainly. I'm tired of "being passed around" as some have gotten a kick out of this. Despite all of it, I have been at peace or at least, very strong. R.J.R. said I was "tough" and I am. But I'm really tired of some things. I keep walking right into the lies and games and it's been destructive in the sense that it's been distracting and also, then I was getting harmed and poisoned, so, well, that is a good reason to be done with "the game" that has been planned out for me. If you don't believe there has been a "plan" among some individuals, to bring me down, if you start following the names and IDs I'm sure someone else could figure out how these people are connected.

I don't have animosity towards anyone and I don't feel brought down either. I feel very strong and better than ever, just recently (maybe because I'm not being poisoned). I want peace and I have asked for forgiveness for my own faults. On the other hand, some of the games haven't ended and they are intended to humiliate me or break me down. It's not working. I'm not breaking down and I'm not humiliated either. I'm just to the point where I'm tired of it and I'm tired of covering for people who don't care about me. Who don't care about me OR my son.

To me, I'm actually almost willing to say, after being poisoned, I don't even care anymore. I almost want to just give it all up, and not even name anyone, or go into details.

What holds me back, and I may hold back longer, or indefinitely, is if I feel writing about anything would put ANYONE else in danger or at risk. You know what, I don't even wish for any harm to come to those who have harmed me. I want justice, but that doesn't mean my desire is for others to be punished. I just want people to leave me alone. I mean, not leave me alone so I'm isolated, but I don't want to be harassed anymore. I like people, and I enjoy having company and joking around with just about anyone, but I'm tired of things like lies, death threats, and that sort of thing. I want it to stop. If I knew what to do besides talk, I would do it.

I have nothing to say right now, because I constantly worry that if I say too much I could jeopardize people I don't want to jeopardize. So instead I don't even write about half the things going on.

I feel I need another gift: discernment.

Warrant! Yikes. But Okay!

I was so involved in my migraine management, and getting over the poisoning stuff, and then overwhelmed with housing matters, and filing to get back into college, and a few other things, that I totally spaced my hearing.

So they filed a warrant for my arrest. I missed it and then I freaked out. They filed a warrant thing but I guess I'll be okay because it's not going out for awhile and then my very good friend got my back on it and I'm going to get bailed out before I even go in.

So I'm very thankful and lucky.

I prayed the night before. This guy I was hanging out with said, "Don't ask for anything!" I said, "I prayed for forgiveness and grace." I got grace at least, through a friend and family. Then I also asked him to pray for me and he prayed for strength, courage, and focus. All things I could use more of.

When I prayed I had to pray on my knees. I prayed on my knees with my hands down in front of me. I don't know. It seemed the right posture to take.

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for something in prayer either. "Ask and you shall receive." I think it's more about asking for things which are good things to ask for.

I am probably going to church this Sunday, the one my friend goes to, the one who helped me out. Just visiting at least.

I'm very thankful though, and my friend already sent over money to back me and everything. I swore to him I wouldn't miss the next hearing.

I have to buy a planner. It's the first thing on my list. A planner.

And I am going back to college. I'm making all the necessary arrangements to get back in. So excited about it and I'm finally tracking down all my loan stuff to get it all in order. I am REALLY excited to get back into school. I am hoping..hoping, I could try to pull for all A's this time. My GPA is 3.6 but I want it higher. I want to nudge it up and might add a few classes to get a minor just to get the GPA up because then I want to go further.

I actually got a lot done that day. I lined a lot of things up. I have been too stressed out to focus very well, like I used to, but I got it together.


good or bad
someone had me
lost me, gained me, got me, fought it out
good or bad
i wouldn't know if i had
been sleeping with the enemy
but the one who tries to decieve me
deceives themself
a connectivity with every turn and corner
a mind reading game
i could feel the energy
one who turned my head again and again
to find eyes staring back at me
one who made me laugh with his audacity
one who i wanted to sew buttons for
clean for, who almost turned me into a willing maid
then one who made me laugh at everything silly
at myself and at reality
who said we should change for better things
in life
different spectrums and either loving
or hating me
watching me from tinted glass as
i went into the computer store on valentine's day
playing a game of winners losers and keepers finders
passing by the glass to see whose face i would turn to
teams lined up on the side
a and b
at least, at the very least
it wasn't boring
none of it was boring
intellectual matches were met
maybe i will miss the days when excitement and mystery
was high and something
was just around the corner but always not within grasp
i still turn when i have eyes on me
but i turn more with some than others

i have a long and short list
black and white list
hit and miss list
kiss and fist list
with legs like an octopus
pulling through the deep

mi azucar negra
los montanas secreto por la luna
la luna esta tu mistress
y las estrellas tu hijos
si tu quieres la luna
esta impossible
un camisa blanco y gris es no por ti
tu prefieres una camisa negra
y los angelos prefieres ti haber
con los arboles en mississippi
donde tu va en botas
donde tu va en battilion
tu va a la discoteca con tu amor
pero tu corazon esta con
la luna y las estrellas
hecho, hecho
las cantinas damati nada
curioso cuando tu eres un hombre
quien recibes todos
pero si tu tienes la luna con tus manos
tu tienes con tu imagine
tu tienes en la noche
cuando personas son falso
recuerdo un promiso
papeles son nada a dios
dios recibes los papeles en fumes de cigarillos
ashes to ashes
nosotros return a el circulo
amarillo flores por ti
estrellas por tu cuarto moreno
cuando mis dientes son gris
y blanco y cafe
cuando tu recibes cafe en la manana
uso crema
recuerdo mi skin before
the fall
cuando tu tienes un fresca en tus manos
recuerdo mi colores
cuando tu tienes jugo de anoranjados en tu boca
nunca en tu vida
tu tienes mas de este
guerra, guerra, y revolucion
en el ciudad, en las playas, en mi
mariscada en a ristorantes pequeno
con ojos en mi y mis ropas
conquistadores columbus
tu tienes una camisa negra pero tu no tienes
si tu conoce, no mas
tu tienes espanol y tengo ingles
hay no cafe a lait en este casa
pero una pictura es por mil palabras
no horas, palabras
un avion en el distancia por mi
una mesa con turtles
they race eachother, los turtles
they race until they fall off the edge
triste, they say, quien quieres no peace
triste, mira que has cracked
tortoise shell por shells de guns por shells del mar
san francisco a d.c.
n.y. a l.a.
mis palabras son mis palabras
pero mi corazon tienes ojos
para el cuarto, discoteca, y para el mundo
un cuarto non circular
el mundo tienes angles like a razor blade
stumbling into el jardin
mis pieds en glass
mariposa verdes, esmereldas en orejas
noticia besos
pero uno mujere es afraid
no gustan el situacion
muchas mujeres hace divertido y embrazos
por a mujere otra
pero uno o dos mujeres son triste
sabes todos
el revolucion es en el corazon
no esta en el mundo del dinero
esta en trabajas por una vida mejore
en trabajas por que esta verdad
la luna miras para los montanas
boca rojo es una boca raton
personas dile ti
pero es ridiculoso
yo no hace esta jugarito (little game)
yo was a pawn
pero, mis palabras son mis palabras
except cuando yo mira
no necessario anohado a mi
cuando no tengo todo que es verdad
hezekiah turned to the wall
cuanda an SUV drove by
hezekiah tienes un vida por mucho mas dias
porque tu recibes el insulto
con patience
porque tu quieres una vida differentes
nosotros faced the wall
el colores esta blanco
es possible tu were a pawn too
a noche a las callabras
a tienda a las buffoons
ya no quiero correar cuando es mi
destino cantar
baile beneath las estrellas
tu hijos mira ti
todo el noche
tu tienes angeles marviloso

got that vibe right now. the good vibe. it's 3:30 pst or so. very strong. got it after about 10 minutes after making last post.

I wanted to talk about how i wrote this last poem, the one in spanish. it was very odd. it was sort of one of those things that unfolded and i had no idea what i was writing really. half of the words that came to my mind, i had to look up after i wrote it. the following words i didn't even know: detro (i still can't find a meaning for this one), callabras (can't find meaning), entonces (then, or "at that time" or "in that case"), correar (to pull wool for purposes of making something), hecho (made).

every one of these words i didn't even know the meaning of, yet, when i went back and checked, they made sense somehow.

actually, writing this poem sort of scared me, because it came from me but it also felt driven by another hand in a way, that these words which would make sense in context would even come to mind. i don't know that it's exactly what i wanted to say, but i just opened up my mind to write whatever, and that's what came out. it was very odd.

i guess what's strange is the "hecho, hecho" part because i don't know how that applies in the context. i'd almost have to have someone who speaks spanish translate this for me for me to understand how what i wrote actually sounds in english or in spanish.

Oh, I didn't know what "empressario" meant either. I thought it might have something to do with an empress or meaning. But it came to mind and i wrote it down and later found out it means "employer" or "businessman"

6:45 p.m. good vibe again. strong, like someone is near or praying for me. so bizarre. i don't expect anyone to understand until i figure out what it is one day. it's as odd as writing a poem without even knowing what all the words mean.

I still have this very strong vibe. It hasn't left and it is still just as strong. Oh, I do love this song too, by Bonnie Tyler "Holding Out For a Hero". It's sort of anthem-ish, but I like it.

Saturday: it was strange because I had the same vibe last night, for a couple of hours but the guy I was talking to...I knew it wasn't from him. It was from someone or something else. I even walked outside to look around. I feel it now too, at 9:00 a.m. or whatever time it is now. I told this guy, "Someday I'm going to find out what it is. It will be a big discovery." He actually agreed and thought it would happen. I am very positive about this, like I am positive about few things in life, this i know--that there is a higher power and there are forces at work which are more of the 6th sense and intuition than anything else.

this guy wanted to talk more, but i just wanted to go to sleep. i left to go to bed and i was exhausted and i slept like a rock. i think he really wanted to talk more but I was too distracted by this vibe to keep talking.

i still can tell there is this very strong vibe right now. really, really, weird.

i talked to this guy in d.c. today. i asked him yesterday if he had any advice for me. we talked about college options this morning and he brought up nursing.

i once considered this but took a chemistry class and realized, "oh, I guess i'd have to study" and dropped out. it was easier to take english classes and not study at all and get A's.

however, there is a need for nurses. it would keep me employed and be good for my son. it would also be helping people. i'd be good at staying calm or helping others to stay calm. the part i wouldn't like is paperwork and pill counting.

i would sort of like to be able to diagnose things and research a history to figure things out but i don't want to be an actual doctor where i'm doing any kind of surgery. my brother actually enjoys watching surgery and i don't want to look at all. i couldn't cut into anyone. ew. i think it would be hard enough to put in a needle.

i think i would be good with people and maybe figuring things out and that's it. but it would be a good job and this guy says there is a lot of new free government money for it. through the stimulus package or something.

11:05 a.m. PST: that vibe again. it left and now it's back. i swear i sound manic to the normal world, but i swear to god, i will find out what this is about. i know i will find out. i just don't know when. this is so weird, but believe me, if i can, i will tell the whole world when i find out what it is. and no, i don't need meds. this is meds enough. it's good, not bad. and no, i'm not acting any differently or bouncing around or feeling compulsive. 11:32's still there. 11:53 PST still there. so still constant. 12:03 PST very strong. stronger. so weird. still strong at 12:51 PST. 1:12 PST...still there.

i think if i go into nursing, i would strive to be top of the class. i don't know that it really makes a difference, with nursing, but maybe. i mean, it seems like one nurse is like another and it's not like trying to get into med school, but i think i would try to be head or close to head of the class. just in case. the other reason i'm thinking about it is because i do get started in wenatchee and still be here for my son and try to fix the custody matter.

i can't go further with my english lit. degree in wenatchee unless i go online or have a car to commute with. i think it would be pretty hard to find a college where i could complete all my classes online.

well, i guess i'll look into wenatchee nursing programs.

i was listening to "sweet dreams" by eurythmics and all of a sudden had this image of a ballet dancer with no face doing plies across the floor. i think that's what a plie is? i don't know. leg bent at knee and doing a turn with arms out and then another and another in a diagonal across a hard floor in a very large room like a small quiet and empty old fashioned ballroom. i just got the mental photo. i think it could be done. a combo of ballet and modern for this song. it was dark with just light from the windows and it was a view from the left, like a door to the far left and then looking from here, she was taking it from the middle of the floor to the opposite diagonal corner. the door is to the left and windows across the room.
like a rectangular room, with a door to the left corner and then windows on the other wall that face outside, and she was taking turns from the center of the room torwards the right upper corner in a diagonal line from the center. anyway, that was my flash of an image that came to my mind. but who knows. maybe i'm having a footloose or flashdance memory from some movie or something. anyway. enough detail.
i looked up nursing and the application window would be for winter, in dec. and then you'd go into the program in spring. i could probably do that. i have to get my loan stuff together and talk to someone at the college and then i think i could do this.

i'm going to nursing school.

well, it's not totally new. i mean, i've thought of it before, and i also have always liked science and have thought i would go for english lit and then a minor in science. i guess i'll be a nurse and then later finish my english degree and write.

the thing is, i'd have a secure college thing, and then a job even if not in wenatchee but by the time i graduated or got close to transfering, i could transfer. and then i still want to finish my B.A. in english lit. and do something with that sort of but i can do it later.

i looked up nursing. i guess there's practical nursing and then registered. i think i would go for the rn. i am not sure i would get into the wentachee program so i will apply for a few different things. but i will try for RN. although, they don't have the option to be the other kind of nurse that gets to diagnose things. I can't remember what it's called. but in wenatchee one can go for an RN which would pretty much travel anywhere.

i had to look up what the difference is between a practical and registered nurse. i guess a practical nurse is beneath a registered one. i still don't know what all of the duties are. i would like being a pediatric nurse but i like older people too so i think i'd go with general RN. i think it would get to me to see kids in pain all the time. i might be good at it, with them, but it would probably get to me.

Friends for Life

Thank you G, and family, for being 100%. I love you.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

How To Write A Song

This guy asked me how I write songs, if I write lyrics first or later, or at the same time as I play guitar. I said usually it comes to mind while I play at the same time.

So I gave him an example. I said, "You want a serious song or silly song?" He said "silly song". So I began, on the spot, with a verse that started:

"They tried to KILL me!
and then how I was running and ran into a gay man
who said, relax, you can stay in my cave

But then he tried to KILL me!
so I ran from the cave and I was running into my grave.

William (a verse about Prince William was next and how the fam told him no, she talks too much and she's a ho)

(something like that and then I hit the chorus with impromtu)

"From the courts of Buckingham
to the courts of Nowhere Land
From the streets of Kensington
to the bowers of Kingdom Come
I'm coming!

Water! (panting like one is out of air, or em, water) waaaater! WATERVILLE!

I realized, after singing the silly song, that I needed to quit smoking to preserve my voice for serious songs. So I'm through! Until I have a migraine!

I figured it out! I was talking to this guy and he was saying I was CIA and I said:

By jove, I've got it! I was thinking this had something to do with the Red and Blues but NOoooooo, it's the FBIs and CIAs.

I am bound and tied by something greater than myself
love, and i don't know the face in an instance
nor do i know the time
but i am bound to my son and to this man
who keeps me
and despite time and distance and silence i love him
and know he loves me
true love is very rare
and i have it
know it
and yet through a veil darkly
it isn't time but i know this time will come when all is revealed
to this day and night
i love him
when you see me behind a wall or door
do not imagine i have found another
or anything to replace this
or something to pacify me for the time being
i know what i want
who i want is yet to be determined
but i know what i want and wait for it patiently
not giving in to any whim
not givng up to any group or bet
just being true to myself
knowing the truth will one day set me free
don't cry for me if you imagine me to be sorry or sad
never think i regret my fate, my past, present and future
only content yourself with knowing i know
that i am loved and this is enough movie, radio, technology tricks
nor scare tactics will deter me from this
i see but through a veil darkly and one day all will be revealed
no country, nation, religion, or military group will keep me
from your thoughts nor you from mine
nothing will stand inbetween us
if you hold to me as i hold to you
there is nothing in the world which would compare to you
no millions, no fame, no glory, no position or story
poverty and deceipt and ground are glory enough for me
to be at your feet
and with you
i know love when i feel with my heart
and i know when my heart is leading me to a course i cannot do
anything about but to say, it's done, i'm not fighting it
and i will just take one day at a time
however lonely i may be or however much company i may keep
i have something to give
which is better than roses
which fade and turn to memories
i have a beating heart which will live as long as i live
forgeting nothing
knowing i have half of the picture but knowing still
that this is there is something to keep
in reserve for a better future
and if never, for preservation
nothing anyone does to me should get to you
because i fear nothing, i rise from every fall, and i am stronger
with every insult and each blow
i am a better woman because of it
i put on my crown of thorns
and i wear this crown with pride
don't take that from me by worry or with tears
be glad for me
that i am happy to carry this beautiful cross

Hearing Today To Conceal The Truth

I didn't do so well but I tried to cover bases.

I asked for an attorney and a continuance because I'd been sick. I wasn't granted a continuance and I was told only maybe could I have a public defender or someone to represent me. I know this is going to be a really big deal if it comes to appeal, if I've asked for reasonable representation and been refused. It's grounds for overturning the whole thing.

But then again, I've been refused one so long, I don't know if even that might count for something. I went 8 months without one at a time when it was crucial.

I also made my objections to certain things, like an I.Q. test. An I.Q. isn't necessary and it's an invasion of privacy and yet I wasn't given an attorney to argue that point. There is absolutely no good reason for the State of Washington to know what my I.Q. is. It has no bearing on parenting unless there is something really under the mark that interferes with the ability to care for a child. Not only that, it's stalling on completing stuff.

Also, I specifically asked to be able to audio record the visits and it is highly suspect that this was refused. The state is now trying to get in a woman for a parenting assessment and they don't want anything recorded to keep the record straight. They know the objective form of documentation is this, and in no way does it harm my son or interfere but they argued against it and the Judge agreed.

This, I think, is the most glaring example of what is going on.

I am saying that the visistation notes have not accurately portrayed content of what I say and do, and it doesn't record my son's repeated requests for more time with me.

Keeping the visits unrecorded allows them to say whatever they want. And they did. Michelle tried to claim I was "volatile" with the visitation monitor when never, not once, have I ever been offensive, rude, or "volatile". But the fact that Michelle Erickson wants to argue this, when it's a flat lie, shows exactly what is being covered up: the truth.

I feel these hearings should just be "let's figure out how to conceal the truth" hearings. So many lies have been told, and on such wide scale, I know I can't win unless something greater than me intercedes.

I wish someone from out of the state, or who is in the state and has investigative powers, could get involved.

If there was an insider informant and taping of phone calls and of visits, and everything that's been going, it would SHOCK this town. It would ROCK this town. The magnitude to which lies have been made, and interference has been done to keep me from my son, is truly amazing.

I wish, for my son's sake, for him alone even, that people knew. If they only knew.

Michelle tried to say the monitor's voice would be recorded and they wouldn't be able to find people offering services if I could record.

It has nothing to do with the monitor's voice. She says very little, and I don't spend my time speaking with her...I talk to my son and he talks to me and monitor is off in the corner figuring out how to adjust what is said and done, to make it sound bad, to the liking of the state.

If this department cannot find people who are willing to have the visits audio recorded, there is obviously something wrong with the people they hire, because it shows they have something to hide.

I hadn't had a chance to review any of the motions or state's notes which were filed in court prior to the hearing today. I objected to the late delivery of an addendum that was filed which I received only 2 days ago and haven't read.

But the Judge heard me say I wanted a continuance because I hadn't received these things in time, and had been sick, and that I wanted a lawyer, and yet she proceeded anyway.

I didn't know what to say in the hearing because I didn't have any notice or time to go over material first, and I filed evidence which showed why.

It was Jill Wise.

The funniest thing is, her name came to mind when I was praying for everyone the other day. It was supposed to be her or some other commissioner and I knew it was going to be her and her name kept coming to my mind.

The commissioner and Judge always want to cut me off when I try to explain WHY I haven't kept the other public defenders. Now, the last one is even lumped in with the first 2, as if she were assigned and I fired her but everyone knows there were issues ahead of time and I tried to protect against it going further, but I was told I had to take her...and then she promptly withdrew.

Jill was pleasant though, in general, I don't fault her demeanor or anything. She was fine and actually, most of the others there today were far more professional. I was impressed. People weren't mocking parents or acting odd. I mean, the sarcasm level was way down, which was nice. There was one mother, calling from a behavioral health place, who, unfortunately, ended her call with the Judge by saying, in close:

"I love you."

Bad, bad, move. Her lawyers were there in the courtroom and she was away. If they'd been next to her they could have squeezed her arm or kicked her under the table. So, unfortunately, the mentally ill mom, who might not know how to properly address a Judge, who is probably getting all this "You should tell people you love them more" crap, is following orders and sounding like a nut. Looks went around on that one. Who knows, maybe she meant it, like "I luuuuUv you MAN!" Her tone, however, came across like a kid saying to a parent, "I love you". I just thought, "That really sucks" (for that mom). She could have just been a real Jill fan. I mean, fans say they love people they don't even know sometimes. Hell, some spouses say they love eachother and they still don't know eachother.


Oh, and the State of Washington, or Wenatchee department lied about something else. They said this psychologist INSISTED an I.Q. test was necessary. That's not true. She told me the STATE insisted on it, and THEY wanted it done and no exceptions, and SHE had to follow their orders.

TELL me, WHY does "the department" and Wenatchee need an I.Q. test for me? The psychologist had nothing to do with it, but they lied to the Judge and tried to put it off on her like SHE was the one who insisted. It was the state.

I might just fudge. No one needs to know how smart I am. I might just dumb it down for the public. I might just not solve the puzzles. I'll work at average, somewhere inbetween below average intelligence and above average. I am quite sure I could figure out how to level a 120. I had better get to work figuring out how normal people think and score!!! Then I'll give any flashes of brilliance credit to God for miraculous insight. Even a rorshach would be more applicable to mental illness or not. I mean, it would detect distorted thinking at least. I.Q. has no application for a diagnosis or for "mental illness" either. I.Q. is applicable for few disorders in my opinion: ADD maybe and...hmm. That's about it. Because with ADD you might wonder if someone is underacheiving due to distraction or boredom or intelligence or a combination of both. And I.Q. is applicable in school years, to figure kids out, sure. But adults? I talked to some psychologists--a lot of them and they said it's very strange and out of place to ask for an adult's I.Q. and then when they heard it was for CPS they were totally shocked. They said it shouldn't even matter, unless someone were retarded or seemed imcapable of parenting, I.Q. had nothing to do with parenting at all.

I think I need a lawyer to argue against personal invasion of privacy matters. If I don't care what my I.Q. is, no one else should. Of all "departments" CPS shouldn't give a rip. The only "department" which might have any interest at all, legitimately, might be the CIA. I think that's about it. And even the CIA wouldn't give a rip. Maybe NASA cares. I can't think of any agency which requires an I.Q. test. Having CPS care about I.Q. is like restaurants asking for the I.Q. of their dishwashers. Why isn't there a space on the "stupid-apps" for I.Q.? Hmmm. Maybe discrimination. Or maybe it's because the majority of Americans don't give a flying f., and know it has nothing to do with how someone gets the job done. Being a good parent is a job. The most important one anyone could ever have. But I.Q. is absolutely irrelevant.

Then, the state said they wanted all their shitty info on me, most which is made up, to go to the parenting assessor FIRST. I objected (here, here, me) because it should be an unbiased and impartial evaluation but it didn't matter. Not one request that I made was honored. Every single thing the state asked for was given to them.

Oh, and the courthouse called in a Sheriff to be present just for my case. None of the other cases or parents had a Sheriff present, but they called one in to be present for mine. Why? Because everyone was thinking Rob Forrest, the CASA guy, had something up his sleeve.


I can tell someone is praying for me or thinking of me. Or is very close to me, in location or something. I wrote this and then I swear I saw someone I used to know. But I may have been wrong about that.

I told this guy, it's like having a twin or something, and being really connected, or how I imagine it would be to have an entire church of people praying for you, all at once. Or being in love with someone, the only one, who is your true soulmate and there really is no one else and you feel that connection when they're thinking of you or are close.

I was sort of getting a bad vibe in a way, or down on my luck vibe and then it hit me. No, not manic-depressive and been talking to this other person the whole time and nothing's changed.

I turned on the radio then and it was Kings of Leon's "Use Somebody".

Statement From Pesticide Man

Well, it's short for lack of time but at least it confirms what he has seen and believes. However, I haven't been exposed to arsenic in the soil in the Wenatchee area. I was exposed to something in Oregon before I moved to Wenatchee and then I and my son were exposed to something in E. Wenatchee that wasn't necessarily a pesticide or chemical, I had some hemmorhagic bleeding while with housemates from Wenatchee, and then I was most recently experiencing acute symptoms of a poison while in Tacoma-Seattle area. I could have been exposed to something further back but I don't know. I DID get video or photos of my nails, finally, with the lines and I'll upload when I have a moment. There are a few typos in this statement but I haven't altered or corrected it.

(No Subject)‏
From: Richard Cox (
You may not know this sender.Mark as safe|Mark as junk
Sent: Wed 8/26/09 10:56 AM

I met Cameo on August 26, 2009 in Wenatchee Washington. We engaged in con variation about an aliment that she was experiencing. She showed me what she thought was a symptom of that aliment. I observed white patches on her skin. I asked her about arsenic expose. I don’t know where the expose may have occurred based on her history she gave. I thought she might have had expose in the Wenatchee area. I am involved in agriculture and years ago a lot of arsenic was used in this area as a pesticide. I don’t believe her life history would be consistent with that idea. I have not actually seen arsenic systems but the symptoms look similar to what Vie seen in pictures. In addition to working I agriculture I have also been an EMT.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Tired & Weak

I'll finish the timeline later. I'm tired and weak. The headache didn't come back but I feel the ergotamine effects on my stomach and I'm just wiped out.

I don't know how I'll be in the morning. I don't feel great now, and I'm a little nauseous still. Holding up but tired.

Possible Poison Indicators & Timeline

I talked with the pesticide specialist again and he asked for more of my medical history.

I also spoke with a guy who said STDs can cause pigment changes, but I told him I appreciated the information (because I do) but that this is impossible because I've been testedd for STDs and I don't have any. He said gonnorhea, for one. But I have never had any of these. So it's not possible. I have also been tested for AIDS and HIV and I don't have these either.

But I did think about my health and certain timelines of whenever I've had extreme and yet unexplained health problems.

The first time I ever had problems was while I was still in Portland, Oregon and in litigation. I got chronically sick and even asked the Judge for a medical abatement because I was weak, tired, my hair was falling out, I had huge unexplained bruising, and chronic bronchitis with blood in the phlegm, which was usually green. Of course, cough as well. But I was very, very, ill and it affected everything.

It was very bizarre. This kind of chronic bronchitis is called industrial bronchitis.

I will write more, but it first began in Oregon.

I started thinking about a timeline for possible exposures to toxins and this would have been the first time I suspected something was really wrong. The pesticide guy brought it up because sometimes skin pigment changes will occur like 3 years after chronic exposure to something. So I started looking back.

I went to the doctor about it, the odd chronic bronchitis, and it's documented. Bronchitis is actually a sign of arsenic poisoning but it could have been some other toxin. Then, I noticed, while traveling back and forth from Wenatchee or Cashmere to Oregon, I was still getting sick. I'd get better and then travel back and get really sick again.

Then I would have periods where I was in very good health for a long time. When I quit going to Oregon, the chronic bronchitis and bruising went away.

I never had acute poisoning though, or bleeding out or any of the more noticeable stuff. I'm going to do a little research though.

I got really, really, sick when I was still in Portland, Oregon. There were a couple of lawsuits going on. One against the Willamette Week, and then one against the Abbey, and then I filed something about Judges in Oregon. It wasn't that big of a deal, but I ran into Bujanda and Garza about that time.

I would have to go back and check records to find out when I started getting so sick. I finally went to the Judge Janis ? about it because I was so ill and she said she wouldn't give me a medical abatement. I remember John Kaempf noticing an enormous bruise on my calf as I was walking up the stairs. He looked uncomfortable about it. He saw it and then walked away and came back later. It was larger than ones I've taped, and it was from nothing in particular. I was bruising very badly.

I later thought perhaps all the sickness was from some kind of black mold or something in my apartment. However, no one else in the whole complex was getting sick.

What was odd, was that after I reported the FBI guys, someone did break into my apartment and the only thing I noticed that was missing was the business card from Bujanda with all his numbers on it. Right after that, I noticed a large black spot appear on the kitchen ceiling, not above the stove and I called maintenance. The guy was freaked out and said it was odd and asked how long it had been there. I said it just showed up, almost overnight. It didn't look like black mold really, but it was something. I assumed black mold later. The guy painted over it I think but he kept looking at it.

So when I was in Cashmere, my health improved except for having low blood pressure, frequent headaches, and getting dizzy (from low blood pressure). Eventually, I gained back my strength. My hair wasn't falling out anymore and I was starting to feel good enough to even try running again.

Then I moved to Wenatchee and had all the harassment and vandalisms again. And different kinds of health issues, with my son.

Finally, I had the odd period cycle issue. Where my period quit and my hair was falling out and I was having some bleeding again, in my nose or mouth, but there was no bronchitis, oh, I did get some minor case of it now that I remember. My periods quit for 3 months and then in Canada I had one normal one and then they tapered away as I was living with different people. In D.C. I wasn't having periods really, except for one day or two day very light stuff. It wasn't normal for me. It was like this until Alvaro left and I had a normal period for the first time. Then the next one was totally hemmorhagic, thin, and bright red blood. I had one or two of these but the one before last was very bad and lasted a long time. All of a sudden, for the first time in forever I had a totally normal period with a normal timespan and everything, which just ended a little while ago.

After I had the hemmorhagic period I had the food offered by some and had the extreme rectal bleeding. And then very significant other illness which I still feel somewhat weak from. Then the skin hypopigmentation appeared.

My hair isn't falling out like it was now. It's not coming out in handfuls. Something was at least partly corrected. My period was normal.

I haven't been on any medications. My diet has been the same throughout and my level of stress about the same throughout too.

I am wondering if I was exposed to something other than "black mold" in Oregon. It was advantageous for me to be so sick during that time and I remember telling a "friend" that the only thing which could slow me down really would be physical illness. After saying this, I got sick. I told her I felt emotionally I was just coping better and doing okay but what would affect me was physical illness. And it did. The cases were all dropped and dismissed because I was too sick to keep up and I had to drop out of college too.

Music Today R&B & Dreams

Heard some good music today. One rnb song with a cool tambourine break and I'd have to go back and find out which one. Some old ones I enjoy singing along with too.

One I didn't like, because it scared me, was "Overdose" by Jamie Foxx which is about some guy overdosing on a woman but it's too close to the real thing to be comfortable to me. It makes me think about a few people I've known who almost killed themselves drinking or using substances to excess.

I feel a very strong instinct to try to save these people. It is one very extraordinary maternal instinct that I have, that I cannot stand to see suffering, especially inflicted on themself, out of despair or depression or just not thinking. Everything has a turning point and there is always a new corner.

The first funeral I ever went to was a suicide of a 14 year old boy and I never forgot it.

I, also, had one suicide attempt in my life but it was not a planned thing or even an impulsive thing I don't think, but came from a bad moment of despair combined with being drugged without my knowledge. I mean, supposedly there was pot in my blood, and I never once was around it, that I saw, or took it, so if it's true, it would have affected me and I never even knew. So I don't really count it as legit.

However, I still know how it is, from different angles, my own perspective when I tried it and also the perspective of someone whose friend died. I sat next to him on the bus every day until he died.

How strange. The first image I got today was while listening to "Cyclone" by Baby Bash. I saw one or two karate or some kind of martial arts performers or dancers doing these really wide sweeping kicks in martial arts attire, in black and white with red headband. Didn't see colors super clear, but the kicks. And it was a round, flip kind of kick. Like a flip but not a backflip. Starting from the leg and then turning in a flip but always facing forward. What the hell kind of move is that?

I had a couple of dreams I haven't forgotten about. Recent ones and one image that came to mind which bothered me.

I had an image of Exxon lying on a long couch with his face to the side and his hands behind his back and they were in cuffs. It was a blue couch. I sort of think it was from a past thing but it scared me because I was worried it might be a future thing. But it could be symbolic and figurative. There was nothing to cause me to think about this, it just came right in front of me. I had it yesterday. I had the feeling he was not in legitimate trouble but he was trapped or caught or something. He was lying there with his head to side and just quiet. I don't know if it was something from the far past or a present situation or if it was a warning for the future.

Then I had a dream two nights ago...A series of dreams. One, the first one, was a full blown dream with Christopher Hitchens again. I have not even read anything by him or thought about his work or him for a LONG time, and yet I dreamed from the same location I had a dream in the past. It was going back to the exact same house and location I had seen in a dream I had months ago. He wanted to talk to me again and sort of just walked around the house. It wasn't anything important but he was interested in my story or life or something. It was like he suddenly took an interest in me. I have no recollection of what the past dream was but it was at the exact same location. We talked over this kitchen bar type thing. It was an open room with the kitchen and the living space or dining room open and it was one of those kitchen islands, a large one, or a bar in a house. Then we went out and got a bottle of wine or ran some small errand. Oh, and then he proposed dating or something along those lines. Yeah, I know, hilarious, but in the dream he was actually serious. But he was sort of talking like a mentor and with interest more than some kind of lolita seduction.

I like The Pitbull--The Anthem feat. Lil John. This is the first one I have really wanted to dance to. I like Ironik's "Faudrait Pas" too. Cool french rap.

The other dream I had was the one where the guy says "you belong in D.C." when I was getting set up with a group with designs that I should have the same fate as this one woman who was in the corner, in my dream, and she was a very young native american or maybe latina woman working as a prostitute. Now, this thought has never once crossed my mind in real life--never been an option to me ever, but in the dream I was under someone's idea that I should go this direction and I said no, and then I was swept out dancing and my mother cried. I never wrote about this because of the prostitution bit because I didn't want anyone to think this was ever a possibility in my life but I think it was symbolic for something else.

Pesticide Guy On My Poisoning

So I asked this guy if he would write a statement for me, about what he knows about heavy metal poisoning and what he thinks he sees from my arm and the other symptom descriptions. He's an expert in his field and has seen a lot.

He said he would! I asked him if this kind of hypopigmentation comes from other types of poisons and he said no, he said this is really indicative of a heavy metal poison and he couldn't be sure which one, but definitely heavy metal variety. Which is stuff like arsenic, and umm...I don't know what else.

He ALSO said it appeared that this was going on for quite some time, and that his guess, by looking at my arm and nails, was that it was a more chronic thing.

He said it takes awhile before the signs will show up on skin and that if it's on skin it's definitely in the hair. He also said he can see the lines in my nails and isn't sure what it might mean (neither am I, because I don't know if it's Mee's or not really, but if it is, it's apparent and it goes from side to side and delineates the rest of the nail).

Not Very Nice Of Me & Mr. Rinaldi

It's true, my last post was not very nice. I'm sorry.

It is incredibly frustrating to have death threats and then be actually poisoned and have a bunch of other things going on, and then end up in ER for a simple migraine and have everything turned into one big "you're psychotic" scenario.

I ran into this man again, with experience and knowledge about heavy metal poisoning and he agreed to write me a statement and encourages me to follow up with a specialist he referred me to.

It can't hurt.

I wrote in the moment of upset, with regard to the treatment at the ER. It's not that anyone was rude to me, in any way. In fact, I saw a lot of new faces and others were very polite. I have absolutely no names to dispense nor do I think anyone was improper in any way.

It's just that there are still issues which must be resolved and acting kind while stabbing me in the back and screwing up my medical records further, is not very peace-making.

I am trying. If I weren't, I'd be publishing all names.

But I'm not, because despite things that are done to me, I am trying to change how I react to things I cannot control and people that will not believe me or who do want to skew things.

I still feel at peace, on the whole, but yes, I'm human, and it is true that I feel more Italian sometimes (sorry, no offense if it's taken Italians) than I even do redhead.

This may sound totally odd, but he will know what I'm talking about--I actually treasure my conversation with Mr. Rinaldi. We hung up on eachother about 10 times and insulted eachother and then by the end, I don't know...I just have respect for him in the sense that he didn't put up a front with me. He was who he is and let his feelings be known, and then put it aside. I hate to say it, but it was even a little bit invigorating. Horrible, yes, but he was a worthy opponent in the moment and someone I would take out for a drink by the end. I also respect his patience and in return, I let him have full control over things and have not spoken with anyone about anything except to say I think I like his style of "fighting".

I wish I could explain how I feel or what's going through my head when I say things. It's usually not very personal, at least not at my heart level. I am not one to hold or carry secret grudges or be nice to your face only to stab you in the back. Maybe that's not "wise". Maybe I should be more Machiavellian. But I'm not and I don't want to be. I don't want to be false. You know where you stand with me and then I let it fall and it's dropped. Unless someone keeps bringing up the trigger point of contention, I drop it and I never really mean half the things I say when I'm upset.

I know it's better, for some, to be cold and concealing. It's more of a liability to say what you think and I'm not proud of everything I say either. But I wish all could know that there are very few things which stick with me after I've said it, and it never progresses to something worse behind anyone's back.

I don't know. Times have changed. It used to be that even international armies had codes of conduct or for duals, where you face your opponent and fight fair, on the same level ground. But then, everyone turned to camoflague and winning at any cost. Shooting someone in the back is not a bad thing these days. To me, it is. I'm not the smart one when it comes to these things...I am somewhat old fashioned and it's not served me well to be both old fashioned and outdated in many ways, and then ahead of my times as a woman who feels worthy all on her own and who practices the same lifestyle any man could or would without impunity.

Strange ER Visit Today ("Compazine" for Migraine)

My period ended and then I had the migraine symptoms coming on last night. It was more of a tension headache but I was really hungry, more than usual, and this is a common tip off to migraineurs, that one is coming on.

By this morning, it was on one side of my head, but the other side than usual, and nothing behind my eye at all. It was pretty bad though, and I had nausea and sensitivity to light.

I decided to go to ER which is the only place I can go in Wenatchee for migraine. The other clinics refuse to see me.

So I've told them that ergotamine works for me and was wonderful in Canada. The problem is, they don't do it here, like they do it in Canada. In Canada, they gave me an IV and it immediately stopped an extremely severe, traditional migraine, where I had piercing pain behind my eye.

When I came to Wenatchee ER, at Central, they said they had ergotamine in IV but it wasn't really. It was like a syringe full of fluid which they injected into an IV tape but it wasn't the whole Canada method. Not only that, the last time they tried it, it worked for about a half hour and then I still had migraine.

So I went back today, but I think this migraine was different for a number of reasons.

1. It was on the opposite side of my head, than is usual.
2. No under the eye pain which I usually get

AND, I think, my own attempts to remedy it probably worked better than what I got at ER. With the non-traditional migraine, I can sometimes take OTCs and drink coffee, and then I've found some research online that shows nicotine actually DOES stimulate the pituitary and affects the same receptors which affect migraineurs. Not only that, it affects blood constriction.

So this morning, right before going to ER, I had coffee and I smoked two cigarettes to see if it helped. It didn't work right away. But what I found, was that I think it took time and then worked well.

It took about 30 minutes I believe, to affect my migraine and pretty much cure it. I went in and was still suffering but then I used the restroom and laid down and all of a sudden, I realized my migraine was basically gone.

I thought, "Oh great. I come to ER with a migraine and then I'm just going to say it's better?" I thought walking out might not be good because I get these things for 2-3 days at a time usually so I figured prevention is better than cure. So I wanted to at least get ergotamine to maybe keep it away. I've never had this happen before, where I walked in with a migraine and then it went away and I figured it was because of the smoking with caffeine and the fact it was non-traditional.

So I went in and the Dr. was pleasant and wanted to give me something for nausea he said. Compazine. I said I wasn't familiar with that drug and would like to see literature on it first. Then, I thought to myself, "I think that's an anti-psychotic drug, isn't it?" and I said this to him out loud. He said, oh no, not at all, it was for nausea.

I didn't have nausea anymore. So I didn't need anything for that. I needed something, if ANYTHING to just keep the migraine from coming back and what I know and what CANADA knows (props to f---in' CANADA) is that two things work for menstrual cycle migraine: marijuana for prevention and ergotamine for instant abortion.

More and more and more, I am falling in love with Canadians. Yeah, I've had a few problems with some of 'em, but on the whole that country is sophisticated in a very strange sense--that they are this wild outdoor country with a whole LOT of f---in' common sense.

So he insists he wants to give me an IV of "fluids" and "electrolytes" after I say I don't want Compazine unless I read literature on it.

Nurse comes back with a big bag of fluid and she tells me the doctor has ordered this:

1. Compazine (most powerful anti-psychotic drug on the market)
2. Benedryl

I'm thinking to myself...ummm...yeah right. Where's the fuckin' ergotamine?

So I told her I wanted to see literature on Compazine first. Then I said I didn't want it at all if they didn't have literature on it, and I also told her Benedryl has never helped my migraines and only makes me sick.

I asked for a shot of ergotamine and a couple of Vicodin. If it came back, I had Vicodin and the ergotamine should prevent it from coming back.

So he says sure, and the nurse comes back with a syringe for ergotamine. I should have looked at the label, actually. Whatever it was made absolutely no difference to how I felt at all. So I asked, after being injected, how much ergotamine it was because it certaintly didn't seem like ergotamine to me. I was told it was 1 milligram. I need to call Canada and find out how much they give.

SO the Dr. comes back to tell me I need a PCP so I can go on medication and take pills of "ergotamine". I told him I didn't know there was such a thing. I also told him I had tried Migranol which is a nasal spray form of the stuff and I still had to stay home from work because it wasn't strong enough. Not with my traditional migraine at least.

So then it got weirder. A social worker comes back to talk to me. I am thinking to myself, "About migraine?" I mean, this is absolutely out of control ridiculous. I felt like I was sitting in a 3-ring circus. I told her I'd never heard of a visit from a social worker for someone who is being treated for migraine. So she asks if I have thoughts of harming myself and/or others and to talk to her. I told her about all the crap I've been through with Wenatchee medical professionals is what I told her.

Then, the Dr. comes back and, huh! interesting! He looks into my eyes with a light and has me touch his fingers with my own and then asks the following: "Do you have any thoughts of harming yourself or others? Do you have a safe place to stay?"

I looked at him directly and said, "You're asking me if I want to hurt myself or others when I'm coming in for a migraine?!" I told him I'd never heard of that before and that I was also shocked a social worker was sent in when I was going to ER for, very specifically, MIGRAINE. And not just an out of the blue one either, but one that right on schedule, that followed my menstrual cycle.

GET A Fuckin' CLUE. READ UP! Wenatchee, about MENSTRUAL MIGRAINE. How many times do you need to read the neurology reports from my neurologists and how many times do you need to know what works for me, to fucking figure this OUT?

I am starting to think they still don't want to give me any credibility for anything at all. They still don't want to be wrong, when they slandered me as being "drug seeking" and "mentally ill" when they refused to treat me for migraine in the past. So it's all gone back to the mentally ill bit and they're trying to push anti-psychotic drugs when I've already demonstrated, through MONTHS of not having to go to ER OR a doctor, what WORKS.

WHY is it that I only need to go to ER when I'm in Wenatchee??! I will tell you one thing, it's because marijuana WORKS to prevent migraines and I've found out nicotine has some of the same qualities of what it does to certain glands and horomones and circulation issues that migraineurs suffer with. For the record, when I DO have a migraine, what CANADA gave me, is the "cocktail" that works on migraine, not this Toradol shit.

So then I tried to get a copy of the notes in case my migraine comes back or gets worse because I have an important hearing tomorrow. The doctor wrote me a note to excuse me from work tomorrow which would apply to hearings but if I can be there I will be. I also got the discharge note. But although I do not fault the Dr. for his bedside manner, I am just concerned.

I told him, when the social worker was sitting there, that ergotamine doesn't come in pill form, to my knowledge, and he said he was going to give it to me in the IV. He said that's what the huge bag was filled with. I said, "The nurse told me it was Compazine." He said no, it wasn't, that it had been ergotamine and compazine was to go along with it (I guess, along with the benedryl).

I couldn't get ahold of the medical records, but I will be checking to see what I was given, actually. I was told I was given a 1 mg. shot of ergotamine. We'll see.

At any rate, from what I've found, both marijuana and nicotine can act as prevention remedies for migraine, menstrual migraine specifically and it has nothing to do with "anxiety relief". It would be very peculiar for anyone to have an "anxiety" pattern which just so-happened to fall right before a period starts and then right after it ends. Sorry, but "anxiety" isn't on time, like clockwork.

The thing with smoking, is that it stimulates or somehow constricts circulation IN ADDITION to directly affecting specific glands and receptors in the brain. BOTH marijuana AND nicotine affect appetite. What's interesting, is that nicotine alters it for some, by making them LESS hungry, and pot alters it for some by making them MORE hungry. However, both affect the exact same horomones and gland in the brain that regulates appetite and horomones. Migraine sufferers often get this pre-migraine symptom, of hunger and it's because that adrenal or pituitary gland are directly affected.

What happens with pot or nicotine is that the parts of the brain which are involved in regulating some of these things, are ALTERED. It's interesting to me that just tipping the scale here and there would make such a difference, but it does.

Forget law school. I guess I should be a fucking doctor.

So anyway, nicotine and pot are entirely DIFFERENT substances which affect the body and brain in different ways but they have the following in common:

1. Affects blood flow and circulation,
2. Affects receptors in the brain,
3. Affects glands in the brain that regulate horomones

What I think is psychotic is the level of ignorance and cover up that goes into making simple solutions very difficult to come by.

Ergotamine, also has similiar effects to nicotine and pot. It directly affects circulation, horomones, and brain receptors, but in a more dramatic way.

I don't think the U.S. military should ban cigarettes anymore, by the way. I've done enough experimentation to know it may be keeping some of their people from getting migraine or getting them as badly as they might. But yeah, watch out for those poisoned cigarettes...

And watch out for fuckin' QUACK doctors.

So class, later I will write out a balanced article about the specific corrolations between pot and nicotine and ergotamine and how they help or affect those who get migraine.

I'd rather be "Hot for Science" than "Hot for Words".

By the way, guess what ergotamine is derived from?

LSD. Yep, hallucigenic mushrooms. Then you've got your pot which was used by all U.S. and European doctors until the 1930s, for migraine. Then you've got nicotine, which is for some reason legal while the others are not, and it was used as a medicine by Native Americans for centuries.

Not only that, the CIA and others have done some research which suggests, from testimonials, that those who get cluster headaches are pretty much cured for life after a trip on hallucigenic mushrooms.

I've done my homework.

Alive: My Spy Monologue In Photos (Part III)

"Boss! they cleaned me OUT!" Boss says the agency had some budget cuts. I don't care. I still love him, even when he's so blue to be in the red. I love, love, love, my Boss. (and I get a raise too! even if it's 50 cents more per hour so what. It's the thought that counts.)

Boss gave me shampoo to go along with my bar of soap (I still have it. It lasts a long time when you don't mind being dirty. That's me. DUUUuuuurrty.)

Boss downsized my contacts. I'm resigned to local coverage people.

I don't know why people at the agency don't believe in halos or ghosts. I have both, one over each shoulder, and it's hard to tell the difference. I have a good ghost praying for me every step of the way and I take this to be a sign that I am logical, down to earth and not the least bit superstitious. I was pissed when Boss said I should be reassigned to the UFO investigators.

I'm trying to change. The first thing I said I wanted to change was my posture.

I am SOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo BORED. I just want a kite shop. I want to make kites out of real prisoner kites sent to judges and fly them all over the world.

What can I say? I'm not a fan of desk jobs. Boss is mad. He said, "You said you wanted 'safer' and LOOK at you! Do you even know who was on the other line?!!" Ooops. My bad. Mueller.

I tell Boss it's time to let the world know just how close I've gotten to Fidel Castro. (I told you peeps, I'm flexible. ;) )

Boss tells me to clean toilets if I want to start over.

Boss says no to my desired post at the UN. He tells me they're U.S. stamps. NOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. I ask if I can work on an Indian Reservation at least. Learn a new language. He says no. I'm not young enough or hippie enough and have the scent of money creeping up my collar.

Boss tries to show me how to cut a lime with a pate knife. I don't know what I'm supposed to be learning anymore. How to make margaritas?

How many spies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Ten. Unless it's me. Gotta shape this ship UP.

Boss likes my undercover act

I'll give 'em fuckin' "mai thai" Boss

You've gotta be kidding me. First no email at the agency, then no telephones?!

Got a message from the action man.

Oh I found out. I found out all about da deal. Why does Boss do this to himself on my account? I'm going to kill him by loving him to death.

Sometimes I think Boss has got to go. I will repay my own ransom. You want a REAL barter? Start negotiating with dis bitch.

Here I am, old agency pin-up. My way in. Is this a real cameo or what?

Boss approves of my sink strategy--says it's excellent work and why they decided to retain me afterall, sans I.Q. test.

Hey, I like sleeping under a sink

I think, if I sleep under the sink, I might be able to confuse the assasasins with the titanium in my neck with the metal from the sink pipes. Ya think???

I had this friend come over and entertain me in taking photos for my next spy monologue. Then I told him he could go and he said, "That's all you wanted?" Why does every guy think you're about anything but business and good, clean fun? Anyway...He was wearing an interesting tee that said, "Scars are like tatoos but with better stories to tell." But it was funny and we had some laughs.

Monday, August 24, 2009


red and green lighter
yellow 9 ball, the push out ball
7 & 7
and philly cheese steak
what the hell
is all the gangly blond world coming to
playing stairway to heaven
i notice the trucks pull around
with men in red and green
theme for a south park episode
high school all over again
or jr. high
with a twist

Visits NOT Discontinued! Thank You CPS & AG

I called and the hearing is Wednesday, not today. I'm off schedule.

AND, I guess, they are NOT going to discontinue my visits! I have to go in and they'll pick them up again. I'm very thankful for this, for me and my son, and I want to give him the shoes I got for him. They're just his size and great little runners.

I had a very pleasant conversation with the social worker as well. It was really nice.

CPS Cut Off Visitation

CPS told me they were cutting off all my visitation, without a court order, and that I couldn't see my son until after the hearing, where I'm sure they'll argue I not have visitation.

But they cut it off without any court approval first and acted on their own.


I am not sure who Carrie is, but this name kept coming to mind yesterday. I cannot think who she is, but the name kept coming to mind, and for me to pray for her. It has to be someone I know or who knows me but I'm not sure what her relation is to my life or if I was just to pray for her for her own life.

Court Today & My Attitude

I feel absolutely calm and in control of my own internal state.

Today they are going to file for termination but I am not angry nor am I distressed. I have done what I could do, especially with being sick the last couple of weeks and threatened with my life.

I have only to state I am filing for appeal and to do this is the right timeframe.

I am not giving up but I am letting go of the fact that I am not in total control of this situation. So I'm not giving up. Some people, some parents do, but I am not a quitter.

I will take it through to the end.

I prayed all day yesterday and meditated and I feel good.

I have not been able to file any papers or receive anything because I've not been well, physically, and yes, I was having anxiety due to things too. I do not have any legal representation but I have requested this. I went almost a year without it when I asked the court for this and then, last, my lawyer withdrew but she wasn't doing anything for my case. I did everything. All I got from the office was a few forms but I did the writing and went around taking statements, which are not even filed.

It doesn't matter. I have today, and I move forward and not back, from today.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Music Today & prayers

Tramaine Hawkins came to my mind so that's who I chose to listen to. She's a Christian singer but I didn't want to listen to generic stuff and I used to listen to Tramaine, who is this incredible gospel singer. The first song was "Who is He?" which I know by heart so I sang it out loud. I just feel like singing today. I like her live stuff best. The woman wails and is often just accompanied by simple instrumentals like piano and drums and that's it. I guess it's a little embarrassing I like her, because she's straight from the 80s.

People who came to mind, who I said a quick prayer for while listening, were, first, R.J.R. I don't know why. Then it was the towncar driver in D.C. who knows who he is, the one with the hat. Then my ex, A. Something is going to change with him but I don't know what it is. I just know it's true and that it's for good. Sometimes I just know certain things but I don't know why or what it's about.

I took some time to just listen to music and allow people to come to mind to pray for and it took up a lot of time. I didn't pray anything specific, I just saw the faces and names and let this energy or spirit wash over all over them. I don't know how to explain it. But I haven't felt this much power in a very long time, a spiritual power that is very good and it is sort of like a ton of people praying all at the same time for me and I prayed that blessings would go back to every one that was praying for me or thinking of me. There were a few people who, when I saw their faces, the energy or what I would have called "the Holy Spirit" in younger days, was so strong it was kind of heady.

I really cannot describe it except to say something is happening. For the last hour and a half or more.

I wish I could describe it. But I didn't really pray, exactly, just meditated on people and felt it was being sent out.

All kinds of people came before me, those who have been good to me and bad to me, and even those I've never met personally.

Had one image flash before me, in the mind's eye, of a man with dark hair, in a red T-shirt, falling down on his knees and calling out to God, and it seemed like it was at a catholic church but I don't know. It was a hard floor and I thought church but could have maybe been somewhere else. I could not see a face. It had something to do with me, not against me, and it was a petition to God.

When I prayed or allowed faces to come before me in a meditative state, I prayed for all Judges I've known, in Oregon and Washington, and also for attorneys, gang groups of all kinds which I may have come across, Rabbi Rose and his family, The Thebault's, The Bechtolds, Mike Nichol's family, Schneiders, Barnes, catholics in general, jews in general, my friends I've known since I was 15 years old and their families, doctors and medical professionals in Wenatchee and others in Oregon and Washington, and my own family. I also prayed for some people whom I've never known personally. Sometimes I would get to a particular face and the feeling was very strong, the sense of power from prayer I mean. I don't know how to describe it. I also prayed for the FBI offices and employees across the U.S., law enforcement in general and police including Sgt. Austria and some other individuals in particular. I prayed for the Colombians I got to meet and for people I used to work with.

It took a long time but it didn't seem like that long. I wasn't praying specifically, it was more like allowing people to flash before my eyes or mind and then pass them onto God.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I prayed for the English royal family too. I don't know why but probably because the diana stuff is in my mind sometimes. When I prayed for Charles, I felt a strong sense of power, and even with Camilla. With Will, I sensed a sadness for some reason, not to do with me, and then not so much sadness when I prayed for Harry.

I also prayed for younger people and older people I saw about when I was in San Francisco last. Rich and not so rich.

Then I called my mom and we agreed to pray together for something between the two of us.

I also asked her about whether anyone in the family was in intel, out of curiosity. She doesn't know anything about it but I don't think she would. She can't keep secrets really, sort of like me, but I've kept a couple minor ones.

I also asked about the other guy who had my Dad's exact same name who lived in the same area. I was wondering about this for some reason today because their names were exactly the same, Robert Guy Garrett Jr. I mean, it's not even that common of a name. Not the Guy or Jr. combo at least.

So I found out there were even more similarities with them. My Dad was in Soap Lake and the other guy in Moses Lake and then both my Dad and this guy lived in the same time. Also, the one guy was into motorcycles and horses and some kind of cowboy and I guess fits the physical description of my Dad. Then, what's weird, is he got involved with christian youth group ministry stuff, like my parents did. And, he became a minister, a Lutheran one, where my Dad was an assistant to the pastor for a Presby church for a short time. I guess the one guy had a wife named Sue but I think they divorced. I was sort of curious about this other guy.

I also prayed for people I met on the East Coast. Some names I don't know, but when a face came to mind, I prayed for them. Lots of people. Even from Amarillo, TX. Photographers, Associated Press people, Washington Post people, women who came in and said I made mistakes I didn't make, M.R. who waited for me patiently and who I had a good Italian "battle" with that ended in an offer to toast with wine, some doctors who came in, people who came through the line at Java, Payam and fam, woman with the twin stroller outside of the Pub, the Irish priest, the military guy sitting in the back when I got the "death threat" on a napkin, that guy, the officers who came out for the report, coworkers there and other places of work, M.C. in birch bay even though, the cindy guys at the oil refinery whom I loved, my former bosses, cyndy and son, border people, canada people, shannon, carrie, karin, bruce, back to canada RCMP man in car asking for my story bc he cared and knew--still haven't forgotten that face. jennifer and truck group. tiffany, and my old friend sarah from ctr (for some reason comes to mind),

I love this song by Richard Smallwood, "Center of my Joy"--it reminds me of New Song days in Oregon, a black/white gospel church I went to with good black gospel music. I really like Kurt Carr's "They Didn't Know". I haven't heard this version yet. It's very moving.

"forgive them, father, for they know not what they do" was a verse that came to my mind today.

Wow. This is one decent guy. First time I've heard him, and he's got a great voice and tight rhythm. Deitrick Haddon's "Ain't Got Nothing". Really like this guy. I like Mahaliah Jackson too. Haha! I love this one, "The Mighty Clouds Of Joy": What About The Price. It's like a 70s style one.

I have a LOT to be thankful for today. I am really, really, thankful today. It has been a very good day. I spent almost the whole day meditating and praying and listening to gospel music and thinking about...well, it's sinking in still, that I'm alive. I mean, I SAW SHOCKED looks on faces when I was walking around in Seattle. It was like "What the HELL?" I was supposed to be dead. Thank you so much and I'm so glad that I have an opportunity to get to the place of forgiving others who wished harm for me and for the chance to forgive myself too. I am indebted to God and yes, I believe in Jesus Christ, and to some special people.

I feel pretty good. I have a couple more hypopigmentation spots but things seem fine. My period quit like normal. It was a fully normal period. The last one was totally abnormal, bright bright red and fluid and lasted way too long. I was just bleeding too long. This was an absolutely normal period again. It is SO weird but I'm glad. Sorry, period talk, but I think of it in a more scientific way. I always thought Katie Couric's colonoscopy made public was so awful and then look at the stuff I write.

John P. Kee's I-C-U is good too. I don't listen to gospel a lot anymore but when I do, I like it. It's been a long time.

Prayed for Peace & Jeremiah 29:4-14 & Forgiveness

This morning I woke up, had coffee and a cigarette, and opened up the Bible randomly again. My eyes fell on Jeremiah 29:4. I read until verse 14.

"Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all who were carried away captive, whom I have caused to be carried away from Jerusalem to Babylon:

Build houses and dwell in them; plant garden and eat their fruit.

Take wives and beget sons and daughters; and take wives for your sons, and give your daughters to husbands, so that they may bear sons and daughters--that you may be increased there, and not diminished.

And seek the peace of the city where I have caused you to be carried away captive, and pray to the Lord for it; for in its peace you will have peace.

For thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel: do not let your prophets and your diviners who are in your midst deceive you, nor listen to your dreams which you cause to be dreamed.

For they prophesy falsely to you in My name; I have not sent them, says the Lord.

for thus says the Lord: after 70 years are completed at Babylon, I will visit you and perform My good word toward you, and cause you to return to this place.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.

And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity; I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where i have driven you sayS THE Lord, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive."

So I thought about this passage especially verse 7, about seeking the peace of the city where one is, and praying for its peace and for peace admist the city.

Also, verse 11 is one of my favorites. 11-13 actually.

I prayed but the only thing that came to my mind was the word "peace" and a symbol of a white dove with an olive branch in its mouth. That was it.

I thought about this in relation to my life and remembered why I had named my son Oliver--because it means "peace" and "affection".

But more than anything, I recalled the idea of peace. A Mormon bishop too, I'm not Mormon, but he gave me a passage about a guy named Alma who went back to a town after being cast out and he sought peace therein.

I haven't considered myself to be a "captive" but in some ways it applies to how I feel at least, much of the time. That I have very little control of my situation when greater powers and people are all about me, making their own choices which have affected my life.

But all I can do is ask for peace and try to find it.

Many years ago, a different guy, a lawyer, wanted me to read Elie Wiesle (msp) book about the Dark Night or it was called something like that. About a man who chose to retain his freedom in captivity by keeping hope and faith.

These last two days I have really felt the scriptures speaking to me in a personal way. I couldn't pick out better passages if I tried. I know it's coincidence, or it's not, but I am listening and considering what they say and thinking about the practical application to my own life.

Didn't go to church today because I wouldn't know where to go right now. But I keep my faith and I do believe in God. I don't know much, but maybe this is all I know.

I thanked God too, for giving me that verse awhile ago, when I was so sick in Seattle, about "No weapon formed against you shall prosper" and thanked God again for protecting me and not allowing worse to happen.

I need to forgive many people who have sought my harm and I need to forgive those who have played mind games as well. I feel today I can just forgive and it comes very easily, but then I wonder if it will last. Forgiving others should be difficult or usually is. True forgiveness is something that goes deep and isn't just on the surface. You don't take it back. You forgive and try to wipe the slate and move forward but it doesn't mean being a doormat or that God never intends justice either. But still, if it were up to me, I prefer forgiveness.

I saw the news the other day, where Scotland freed a man who was in jail as a terrorist, after he got terminal cancer. I think Mueller, the U.S. FBI head, spoke out about it. In some way, I sort of felt it was right though, what Scotland did. Maybe not for every situation, but in some way, without knowing all the facts, it seemed, or "felt" right. Scotland knew more about him than the U.S. did, I think, so maybe they took the whole case and man and situation into context and just felt it was the right thing to do too.

I believe in justice, definitely, but I also believe in mercy. I think there is a custom with some religion or maybe it was a country, where every year, on a certain date, someone could free many people from prison, and of their actions or sins and in a way I think it's like setting doves free. Or maybe the birds in the cage become doves upon release. It's an image I have, and I think I saw it once in a movie too, in a different context, with Halle Berry in an intimate situation with a man after her child was killed, and doves were released.

I never really thought of forgiveness and power as going hand in hand or in the same context, but the unoriginal thought which comes to me now is that there is power in forgiveness and that even the captive have the power to forgive.

The Year of Jubilee. I think that's what I was thinking of. The date. I can't remember what The Year of Jubilee is thought. I'll have to look it up.

I looked it up and it's what I remember. The Jubilee year is one of forgiveness and it comes in cycles. Different customs and countries have different cycles for it but the idea is an almost universal one.

Then Rosh Hashanah came to mind for whatever reason and I looked that one up. Sort of strange, because they two concepts have some relation to one another. There is a part in wiki where it describes a tradition of throwing stones into the water.

From wiki: "During the afternoon of the first day occurs the practice of tashlikh, in which prayers are recited near natural flowing water, and one's sins are symbolically cast into the water. Many also have the custom to throw bread or pebbles into the water, to symbolize the "casting off" of sins. In some communities, if the first day of Rosh Hashanah occurs on Shabbat, tashlikh is postponed until the second day. The traditional service for tashlikh is recited individually and includes the prayer "Who is like unto you, O God...And You will cast all their sins into the depths of the sea","

When I write about these things, instead of thinking about this in application to what I wish others would do, I think about it in application to my life.

Some things are easier to forgive than other things. However, it is true that when I could not forgive, it only made my life more difficult. It doesn't mean I've changed my mind about certain wrongdoings, but I don't feel that hold or power over my emotions anymore. When I couldn't forgive, the anger or the distress in my own life only increased. It doesn't mean I am resigned by any means. It simply means I feel this weight has lifted and it doesn't have anything to do with the actions or response of others--it's with me and my spirit.

And for once, I am writing about something spiritual which I mean and I am not thinking what I write will change anyone's mind about me nor do I believe that, in any way, it will change my circumstances. It has to do with me and me alone. It only affects my outlook. It doesn't change anything except some of the bitterness or the shock or the outrage and despair. I feel peace, within myself. Even faced with losing my son, I am no longer angry or upset. I feel very calm and at peace. I could hold onto things, and allow them to control me, or I can take control by letting go of my need to control. It's out of my hands. I do the best that I can, and I acknowledge I've made my own mistakes, and I let it go. I forgive myself too, for not doing better or knowing how to manage something better. It doesn't mean I've given up, but I have accepted that there are some things which I have no power over, for which I do not blame myself for any longer. I don't feel like crying nor am I angry or in despair. I feel absolute peace.

I am beginning to think there is a massive amount of power, personal power, with forgiveness that then lends to peace.

It has nothing to do with anyone else and the external factors but is only something that is internal which I, for some reason, regardless of whether I feel alone or not, or validated or not, or supported or not, came easily to me today for the first time.

It is sort of how I felt the day I thought I wasn't going to get a continuance and that someone was going to put a warrant out on me, and I'd just go to jail for something I didn't do. An indescrible peace which makes no sense, but which makes me strong. That I can take whatever is measured out to me, and I can accept it and it doesn't have to affect my mind, emotions, or the direction of my heart.

In letting go I feel I have brought myself back. Or, the integrity of who I am is returning to me. I can't allow others or circumstances to dictate how I will feel nor how I will react. I have absolute control over that and no one can steal it from me. In richer and poorer, for better or worse, I am the same person I always was and I am the one who has to live with me, day in and day out.

Having said that, I think I am getting a job too. Which was sort of a nice surprise, to find a few people in Wenatchee who want to give me a chance.

But that's not why I feel this peace. It doesn't have anything to do with whether I think someone is for me or against me. It has nothing to do with believing someone is on my side or not.

I feel very intact, complete, and whole, within myself.

I already know about some of those who have been false or who have betrayed me, and I can't trust everyone. I even know that when I extend my hand in peace, it is not always taken. But it doesn't change how I view myself--it has only converted my suffering into acceptance and calm. My heart will not be broken and I am not broken. The worst things that anyone could have been done to me have been done and while I began to cave in, myself, to the pressure and the suffering, no one has the power to punish me except me and I don't want to become the very thing I haven't liked in others. I felt the pressure to do this and I did suffer, and I did get to the point where I felt weak, and compromised some of my own principles and values, but I don't feel that way anymore and part of it, a great part, has to do with the fact that I can take in what's been done, forgive, and move on.