Prayed for Peace & Jeremiah 29:4-14 & Forgiveness

This morning I woke up, had coffee and a cigarette, and opened up the Bible randomly again. My eyes fell on Jeremiah 29:4. I read until verse 14.

"Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all who were carried away captive, whom I have caused to be carried away from Jerusalem to Babylon:

Build houses and dwell in them; plant garden and eat their fruit.

Take wives and beget sons and daughters; and take wives for your sons, and give your daughters to husbands, so that they may bear sons and daughters--that you may be increased there, and not diminished.

And seek the peace of the city where I have caused you to be carried away captive, and pray to the Lord for it; for in its peace you will have peace.

For thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel: do not let your prophets and your diviners who are in your midst deceive you, nor listen to your dreams which you cause to be dreamed.

For they prophesy falsely to you in My name; I have not sent them, says the Lord.

for thus says the Lord: after 70 years are completed at Babylon, I will visit you and perform My good word toward you, and cause you to return to this place.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.

And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity; I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where i have driven you sayS THE Lord, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive."

So I thought about this passage especially verse 7, about seeking the peace of the city where one is, and praying for its peace and for peace admist the city.

Also, verse 11 is one of my favorites. 11-13 actually.

I prayed but the only thing that came to my mind was the word "peace" and a symbol of a white dove with an olive branch in its mouth. That was it.

I thought about this in relation to my life and remembered why I had named my son Oliver--because it means "peace" and "affection".

But more than anything, I recalled the idea of peace. A Mormon bishop too, I'm not Mormon, but he gave me a passage about a guy named Alma who went back to a town after being cast out and he sought peace therein.

I haven't considered myself to be a "captive" but in some ways it applies to how I feel at least, much of the time. That I have very little control of my situation when greater powers and people are all about me, making their own choices which have affected my life.

But all I can do is ask for peace and try to find it.

Many years ago, a different guy, a lawyer, wanted me to read Elie Wiesle (msp) book about the Dark Night or it was called something like that. About a man who chose to retain his freedom in captivity by keeping hope and faith.

These last two days I have really felt the scriptures speaking to me in a personal way. I couldn't pick out better passages if I tried. I know it's coincidence, or it's not, but I am listening and considering what they say and thinking about the practical application to my own life.

Didn't go to church today because I wouldn't know where to go right now. But I keep my faith and I do believe in God. I don't know much, but maybe this is all I know.

I thanked God too, for giving me that verse awhile ago, when I was so sick in Seattle, about "No weapon formed against you shall prosper" and thanked God again for protecting me and not allowing worse to happen.

I need to forgive many people who have sought my harm and I need to forgive those who have played mind games as well. I feel today I can just forgive and it comes very easily, but then I wonder if it will last. Forgiving others should be difficult or usually is. True forgiveness is something that goes deep and isn't just on the surface. You don't take it back. You forgive and try to wipe the slate and move forward but it doesn't mean being a doormat or that God never intends justice either. But still, if it were up to me, I prefer forgiveness.

I saw the news the other day, where Scotland freed a man who was in jail as a terrorist, after he got terminal cancer. I think Mueller, the U.S. FBI head, spoke out about it. In some way, I sort of felt it was right though, what Scotland did. Maybe not for every situation, but in some way, without knowing all the facts, it seemed, or "felt" right. Scotland knew more about him than the U.S. did, I think, so maybe they took the whole case and man and situation into context and just felt it was the right thing to do too.

I believe in justice, definitely, but I also believe in mercy. I think there is a custom with some religion or maybe it was a country, where every year, on a certain date, someone could free many people from prison, and of their actions or sins and in a way I think it's like setting doves free. Or maybe the birds in the cage become doves upon release. It's an image I have, and I think I saw it once in a movie too, in a different context, with Halle Berry in an intimate situation with a man after her child was killed, and doves were released.

I never really thought of forgiveness and power as going hand in hand or in the same context, but the unoriginal thought which comes to me now is that there is power in forgiveness and that even the captive have the power to forgive.

The Year of Jubilee. I think that's what I was thinking of. The date. I can't remember what The Year of Jubilee is thought. I'll have to look it up.

I looked it up and it's what I remember. The Jubilee year is one of forgiveness and it comes in cycles. Different customs and countries have different cycles for it but the idea is an almost universal one.

Then Rosh Hashanah came to mind for whatever reason and I looked that one up. Sort of strange, because they two concepts have some relation to one another. There is a part in wiki where it describes a tradition of throwing stones into the water.

From wiki: "During the afternoon of the first day occurs the practice of tashlikh, in which prayers are recited near natural flowing water, and one's sins are symbolically cast into the water. Many also have the custom to throw bread or pebbles into the water, to symbolize the "casting off" of sins. In some communities, if the first day of Rosh Hashanah occurs on Shabbat, tashlikh is postponed until the second day. The traditional service for tashlikh is recited individually and includes the prayer "Who is like unto you, O God...And You will cast all their sins into the depths of the sea","

When I write about these things, instead of thinking about this in application to what I wish others would do, I think about it in application to my life.

Some things are easier to forgive than other things. However, it is true that when I could not forgive, it only made my life more difficult. It doesn't mean I've changed my mind about certain wrongdoings, but I don't feel that hold or power over my emotions anymore. When I couldn't forgive, the anger or the distress in my own life only increased. It doesn't mean I am resigned by any means. It simply means I feel this weight has lifted and it doesn't have anything to do with the actions or response of others--it's with me and my spirit.

And for once, I am writing about something spiritual which I mean and I am not thinking what I write will change anyone's mind about me nor do I believe that, in any way, it will change my circumstances. It has to do with me and me alone. It only affects my outlook. It doesn't change anything except some of the bitterness or the shock or the outrage and despair. I feel peace, within myself. Even faced with losing my son, I am no longer angry or upset. I feel very calm and at peace. I could hold onto things, and allow them to control me, or I can take control by letting go of my need to control. It's out of my hands. I do the best that I can, and I acknowledge I've made my own mistakes, and I let it go. I forgive myself too, for not doing better or knowing how to manage something better. It doesn't mean I've given up, but I have accepted that there are some things which I have no power over, for which I do not blame myself for any longer. I don't feel like crying nor am I angry or in despair. I feel absolute peace.

I am beginning to think there is a massive amount of power, personal power, with forgiveness that then lends to peace.

It has nothing to do with anyone else and the external factors but is only something that is internal which I, for some reason, regardless of whether I feel alone or not, or validated or not, or supported or not, came easily to me today for the first time.

It is sort of how I felt the day I thought I wasn't going to get a continuance and that someone was going to put a warrant out on me, and I'd just go to jail for something I didn't do. An indescrible peace which makes no sense, but which makes me strong. That I can take whatever is measured out to me, and I can accept it and it doesn't have to affect my mind, emotions, or the direction of my heart.

In letting go I feel I have brought myself back. Or, the integrity of who I am is returning to me. I can't allow others or circumstances to dictate how I will feel nor how I will react. I have absolute control over that and no one can steal it from me. In richer and poorer, for better or worse, I am the same person I always was and I am the one who has to live with me, day in and day out.

Having said that, I think I am getting a job too. Which was sort of a nice surprise, to find a few people in Wenatchee who want to give me a chance.

But that's not why I feel this peace. It doesn't have anything to do with whether I think someone is for me or against me. It has nothing to do with believing someone is on my side or not.

I feel very intact, complete, and whole, within myself.

I already know about some of those who have been false or who have betrayed me, and I can't trust everyone. I even know that when I extend my hand in peace, it is not always taken. But it doesn't change how I view myself--it has only converted my suffering into acceptance and calm. My heart will not be broken and I am not broken. The worst things that anyone could have been done to me have been done and while I began to cave in, myself, to the pressure and the suffering, no one has the power to punish me except me and I don't want to become the very thing I haven't liked in others. I felt the pressure to do this and I did suffer, and I did get to the point where I felt weak, and compromised some of my own principles and values, but I don't feel that way anymore and part of it, a great part, has to do with the fact that I can take in what's been done, forgive, and move on.