For My Ex: I Am Waiting & I Am Praying Tonight

I am waiting for one I truly love. I truly love someone and I am faithful to him. I miss my Ex. Even though I don't know everything that's been going on, I miss him.

I feel a lot of loyalty came from the Colombians and they were so good to me in so many ways, I think about the good times and missed it tonight. I played Shakira tonight and sang along and just thought about the good times.

A lot of what I wrote was fiction, it is true, with some fact mixed in. I always told my ex to never believe anything I wrote because I always changed my mind about everything.

I change my mind and I told him sometimes I would write things to mislead people.

I am faithful in my heart and in my spirit. I've made some recent mistakes. I am vulnerable and not in the best position.

I need to figure out what to do from here.

I walked out today and noticed I was being mocked again, mainly by some white people. I felt badly about it.

I don't understand everything and I have a wild imagination, but I am going to think hard and take a new direction today. I need to think. I need to think about what to do. I get confused and mixed up.

Alvaro told me that after I had my son, we might be together again. It wasn't working before because I was very stressed out and not myself.

I ran into someone and talked to him but the thing is, I don't know what to think. I don't know who is who anymore and I really want to do the right thing and if it means I'm an absolute fool and if it means people are really, really, confused, it doesn't matter.

I sang from my heart tonight. I sang "La Tortura" and "Suerte" and then I sang "Objection".

So this is the twist--I have written crazy stuff but I have repeatedly told people I was working on a book. I started a new kind of story tonight even, but it's not turning out. It doesn't sound very good at all.

I just spoke to Alvaro a week or so ago and things were cool. He couldn't say a lot but we said we loved eachother. I do love him and although things started out slowly, I truly began to love him. We met under different circumstances, but it was something that grew although he seemed to be into me right away. It took a little more time for me but then I realized he talks like a gentleman, he is always by my side, and he is loyal to me in many ways, even when others were trying to pull us apart. It wasn't easy. It was extremely difficult in fact.

I wasn't the easiest person to live with or to be around. I was extremely sick with the miscarriage stuff and just wanted to lay in bed half the time. I had a blast at the parties, but I wasn't very fun or sociable. But in my opinion, it was true love.

When we split, it wasn't because he was doing anything wrong except I didn't know about that housemate. Other than that, he couldn't find work at the time over here. He had to go back to Maryland for work and I needed to stay here. We discussed possibly getting together after I had my son, because I was so stressed out about my miscarriage and also about the situation with my son. It wasn't easy for Alvaro that's for sure.

I thought he wasn't always easy but I was the one who was a pill. A lot of it wasn't my fault because i was so ill, and stressed out, but still. I did wonder if he wanted to be with me before I asked him to leave, but I think someone was telling him that when I went to the hotels, that I was sneaking off with someone. Different people tried to cause problems for us.

I didn't always have the full trust of the Colombians, but it was because things went on and off with us and they didn't know what was going on. I also lost my temper once or twice and said things I shouldn't have said. But I haven't even gone out since Alvaro left. I haven't gone dancing since he left. Not once. I haven't dated either.

I met someone lately, but I have been confused about everything. I don't know who is trying to "get to someone" that I love. I don't know what everything is all about but I've had this said to me several times, that maybe some of my problems have been that someone is trying to get to someone else, some other guy.

At any rate, I told this person I'm with I just want to pray tonight and he said okay. I need to pray a lot more and wake up every day and pray before I start my day. I want to pray for Alvaro and his family and all the Colombians and my son and for my attitude and for whoever thought to do me harm or who thought I was trying to do them harm. The DEA guy told me he thought probably someone just thought I had a piece of a puzzle and knew something but I don't know what it is someone would think I know. I have, never in my life, saw or witnessed anything that is a big deal and I asked the DEA guy if I could be in protective custody just because someone "thought" I was a threat and he said no. He said you have to know something and I don't have anything. So I'm stuck. I don't want to be in trouble for something I don't even know is going on and I don't know if it's something way back from my past, or if I look like some Russian woman (someone said they thought this was the case) that was "wanted", or if I pissed some group off so bad they just don't like me. I don't even know who exactly it was that wanted to poison me. But I'm still scared, because I don't know. I don't know if someone way back in my family was in some kind of intel and there is a generational deal going on, or what.

I don't want to be in this position.