images

What do you fault me for?
for wanting my son?
for wanting to do whatever I can do for him?
is that the coldest cut
what I am willing to do
when you
take whom you want, when you want
and yet expect me to know
your heart is on your sleeve
you bleed for me but it's turned to a scab
every now and then, turning around a corner
it comes off and unwitting
again you bleed
yet you expect me to be omniscent
ever faithful ever true ever perfect
your cartwheels are not before me
i've gone in faith believing
and yet if word should get back to you that
i am down on my luck in every way
this is when you think what they say is true
because i should have been
in the treehouse until dawn
waiting
i do wait and you don't call or write
but think i can read your mind
nothing tangible before me you test me and test me
everyone else wants to know if my memory is holding up
i remember everything
i don't easily forget
when you've all forgotten me and left me to the side
when some of you know exactly what's gone on
how you should be taking the blame
instead you give me a piece of the kyptonite
which seems to be like a fool's gold
if i don't choose A and i don't choose B
but instead try something different
it's not good enough
you expect me to be superwoman
but i'm not. i'm the cat.
if you can't handle me you should have left me
with something when you left
instead you pressure me
hound me and try to mold me giving me no clue
as to your intentions
whether they are true or not
i have marks on my arms
scars on my face
lines in my nails
and grooves
because you couldn't break the rules
there wasn't enough in your heart to give i guess
just deals and games
protection of the company over me
but i'm supposed to think you're a hero
and i don't even know who you are
how many times have i almost died
yet i'm standing?
if i hold out i win your respect
but you know what i am losing
if i don't, you change your mind again
i would think the least you could do
wouldn't be enough
that's what they say but you don't bother
to correct the wrong impression
you say you will be there and you are not
you ask me to jump but you never said how high
it's obvious that i don't have to write a thing
nor do i need to blog
but when i quit, because it has never been a compulsion
i quit for three days or so, last
and i almost died.
i am supposed to do what for you?
not supposed to write about indelicate things like
periods, and blood, and rectal bleeding
and being threatened and pursued and poisoned?
because it's not ladylike?
who else will know, how will anyone know what's
happening to me if i don't
if i hadn't first documented symptoms and then
had marks on my arm, who would believe me?
i don't know what i was supposed to do
because you never told me
and then i have people trying to kill me
and harming me again
i know one man never called
and the other left in haste
showering never removed enough of my scent
one day crying about loving me a lot
next leaving in disgust
when i caught you and should have known
when the going got tough
someone split
someone gave in to another woman's touch
but if the going gets tough for me
i am to hold my ground
no matter the cost
i want to know who loves me
that's all
i don't think it's too much to ask
to know who loves me the most
and loves me a lot
because this is all i asked for really--
loyalty
there are angels and there are demons
wolves in sheep's clothing
was i wrong to present myself as myself
some people live together for 5 years
and never know eachother
discovering faults after the fact
and that someone is not who they claimed to be
for the worse
i have always thought it is better to put the
worst foot forward
and to save the best for last
but i'm wrong
everyone plays a dating game
i have flirted with danger more than men
so they don't understand me
i have people getting kicks off of being sick
telling me they're presbyterian and diana fans
thinking this is the way to earn my trust
when they don't even know me
i have never belonged to any one denomination
i have been willing to hear out the side
and story of any group or party
too often turned out, mistrusted, and let go
watched as i knock on another door
wondering when, in my life,
a good one will open
and if any of them open at all
closed off
i did it to myself? maybe it's not just
a matter of my taking responsibility
but of others taking some responsibility as well
for their own actions
no one acts independently
"the ripple effect"
was me, throwing a few stones into the pond
skipping a few across the lake
what looked like a ripple to me
was a seismic tsunami for you
and you expect me to know how i created waves
like that
"be still"
if i could i would say it but there are
too many boats in these waters which were about
to be capsized i guess
i only wanted to be free
after a certain age a woman's beauty fades
i never wanted to rely on anyone else
but when i called for someone to stand in for me
i was afraid because so many get close
to only betray
if i have ever done this, to anyone
you may do what you want
but i haven't
i haven't betrayed any of you
i never sought to win your love or attention in order to
betray you
but you betrayed me and you betray yourselves
when times are hard you know who your friends are they say
waiting to see the spinning of the dial
i waited on many to do what i would do
but that's where i miscalculated
i am not like most of you
i am maybe .5 percent and that's not all good either
i'm just different
if you can relate to being different
maybe you know a little
if you can't there is nothing i can do to win your sympathy.
i never said i was "special"
someone is always putting words in my mouth
i said i felt different.
if it makes some of the women feel better
they have nothing to be jealous of
and if it makes you happy and satisfied
i am resigned to this in peace
in the same way i felt resigned to going to jail
for something i didn't do
it's okay
i was told no one is investigating anything
quit dreaming
quit hoping that there is anyone on my side
quit wishing on a star
i wasn't wishing on stars
i was optimistic about humanity
but so many times i've been told not to be
"you're too trusting"
i said rash things about karma and cancer
which i didn't mean but were things
thrown into the water without thinking
i've said a lot of things
but i didn't cast stones at anyone directly
i dropped them into the water
believing they sink and are forgotten
any ripple i created was nothing
compared to the motors of boats
and random things like the wind
the department of defense
knows exactly what i mean
asking me today if i remember how we met and where i was
asking me a lot of things about what i remember
i wonder, of all the conversations that have been taped
with people claiming i said this or that
how many have been edited to sound like i said something
i didn't? how many times have i been handed over to some group
by a judas iscariot
persons in my own family even
betrayed me
nodding to the driver as we went through town
V and A
i noticed some of them near the university of washington
when i found records were altered
i noticed one man putting his hand over his mouth in an "O"
as if he'd just discovered something when i said something about paternity
that wasn't true, but i noticed the reaction
glee they thought they'd caught onto something
if no one is investigating
that would make sense
if i were the one investigating
it makes even more sense, then,
why i was deemed to be
dangerous