Not Very Nice Of Me & Mr. Rinaldi

It's true, my last post was not very nice. I'm sorry.

It is incredibly frustrating to have death threats and then be actually poisoned and have a bunch of other things going on, and then end up in ER for a simple migraine and have everything turned into one big "you're psychotic" scenario.

I ran into this man again, with experience and knowledge about heavy metal poisoning and he agreed to write me a statement and encourages me to follow up with a specialist he referred me to.

It can't hurt.

I wrote in the moment of upset, with regard to the treatment at the ER. It's not that anyone was rude to me, in any way. In fact, I saw a lot of new faces and others were very polite. I have absolutely no names to dispense nor do I think anyone was improper in any way.

It's just that there are still issues which must be resolved and acting kind while stabbing me in the back and screwing up my medical records further, is not very peace-making.

I am trying. If I weren't, I'd be publishing all names.

But I'm not, because despite things that are done to me, I am trying to change how I react to things I cannot control and people that will not believe me or who do want to skew things.

I still feel at peace, on the whole, but yes, I'm human, and it is true that I feel more Italian sometimes (sorry, no offense if it's taken Italians) than I even do redhead.

This may sound totally odd, but he will know what I'm talking about--I actually treasure my conversation with Mr. Rinaldi. We hung up on eachother about 10 times and insulted eachother and then by the end, I don't know...I just have respect for him in the sense that he didn't put up a front with me. He was who he is and let his feelings be known, and then put it aside. I hate to say it, but it was even a little bit invigorating. Horrible, yes, but he was a worthy opponent in the moment and someone I would take out for a drink by the end. I also respect his patience and in return, I let him have full control over things and have not spoken with anyone about anything except to say I think I like his style of "fighting".

I wish I could explain how I feel or what's going through my head when I say things. It's usually not very personal, at least not at my heart level. I am not one to hold or carry secret grudges or be nice to your face only to stab you in the back. Maybe that's not "wise". Maybe I should be more Machiavellian. But I'm not and I don't want to be. I don't want to be false. You know where you stand with me and then I let it fall and it's dropped. Unless someone keeps bringing up the trigger point of contention, I drop it and I never really mean half the things I say when I'm upset.

I know it's better, for some, to be cold and concealing. It's more of a liability to say what you think and I'm not proud of everything I say either. But I wish all could know that there are very few things which stick with me after I've said it, and it never progresses to something worse behind anyone's back.

I don't know. Times have changed. It used to be that even international armies had codes of conduct or for duals, where you face your opponent and fight fair, on the same level ground. But then, everyone turned to camoflague and winning at any cost. Shooting someone in the back is not a bad thing these days. To me, it is. I'm not the smart one when it comes to these things...I am somewhat old fashioned and it's not served me well to be both old fashioned and outdated in many ways, and then ahead of my times as a woman who feels worthy all on her own and who practices the same lifestyle any man could or would without impunity.