Valentine's Day 2009 & More Than One Problem

He does smell like cars after he says he's been at work. However, I am getting an instictive feeling he's with someone else and I asked him today and his eyes darted all over the place as he denied it. I know my liars, and what's that game show where the former FBI guy asks the two contestants to detect the liar?

Lies, lies, lies. Then I said, "look at me" and he held the stare. I get online today and the first song is about getting to the church on time and never falling in love or something.

I am also questioning why his signature is for a different fucking name than is on his license? It doesn't match.

I tried to get the papers filed yesterday at court but I've been very sick and feeling horrible. My stomach and back problems are very bad, and I know my own body, when something isn't right. So we were going to try to wait until Wednesday to see a specialist, but I was in so much pain, and the 800 mgs of Advil every few hours wasn't cutting it.

So I went to emergency because my stomach has been horrible, and my back/spine still hurt and feel worse and my left leg has just been totally numb. This morning my left leg was slightly blue, to the knee. Not only that, I've had new incontinence, which is all symptomatic of a disc problem and nerve problems. I am on Percocet again, which ER gave me for good reason, but it's not even helping that much. I feel like I need something different, I don't know.

Also, I'm confused. I see a totally guilty look on his face when I question him (when he's not able to be with me intimately, it seems he's always having to go to work quite early in the morning, which he laughed at, saying what would he do so early and I said, "No se. Cama y comida?"). I brought up the word "guilty" and he acted offended. I said, "Tu sabes la palabra en ingles por "guilty" pero no por "trust"?" and he laughed. Also, I don't like the fact that today, after looking guiltier than hell when I asked him if he was with another woman, he asked ME why I would ask. I think he asked me this because he wanted to know if I had a "source" and how "in the clear" he was with his lying.

I don't know why he'd lie about certain things. There are things he doesn't need to lie about. But he wants to know every detail and figure out what I'm doing all the time. He expects total honesty from me but I don't get the same.

Last night he was very sweet and waited on me practically, taking care of me when I wasn't feeling well, and attending to every detail. He went out of his way, but why the other lies? He brought a glass of wine to me, made food for me and brought it to me, cleaned the room, turning down my corner of the bed...and held my hand when I was at the hospital. I really appreciated having him by my side, through everything and when they thought I might need surgery the next day he said he'd cancel "work", which today I'm thinking is not work.

I told him and he knows, I like having some of my own time and space. But then he slipped and told me how the hairdresser asked if he had a girlfriend and he'd said no. I said, "You said 'no'?!" and he tried to patch up by saying I was his wife, not girlfriend.

Then he's fixing my hair with his hands, and I say it's fine and what is he, my hairdresser? He kept fussing with my hair, and finally I said, "Are you sure you're not gay or at least bi?" and he said no. Then he was going to drop me off and I said, "por favor, drive around the block porque me gusta este canta." He said, "You think I'm your driver?" I said, "tu quieres haber mi hairdresser pero no mi driver?"

I accidentally hit him with a crumpled up paper bag yesterday. I've been tossing things over my shoulder when I'm in his car, to the back, just to get his reaction because he's always shocked. First time, I threw a pen back. Then it was a clean urine sample cup I just tossed over my shoulder without looking back. He looked back and said, "you think my car is a garbage can?" What can I say. So he was asking me yesterday, to take the Burger King bag out and I grabbed it from him, crumpled it very fast and tossed it over my shoulder, except instead of going to the backseat, somehow it richoceted off of his head. He was dazed and after bouncing off his head, it landed in the backseat. I laughed so hard and was so apologetic.

So then I was in the ER last night because I was in too much pain. I had more than one problem. I had a urinary tract infection, and the ultrasound showed the miscarriage is not complete. I knew that myself because I've not felt, from the beginning, when I told GW, it was NOT completed as they claimed. However, this other hospital called GW and GW told them they thought it was just the beginnings of a period. It's not, and the radiologist told me, even though she said she wasn't supposed to say anything, it was clear that there were still retained things. So it's not over, and there was still something inside of my ovary AND on top of that, there was a new cyst on TOP of, or on the outside of my ovary. I got nervous about that but they said it was fluid filled so was a cyst and couldn't be cancerous. Then, the last problem, is my back and numb leg and disc problems, obviously, but they didn't have an MRI machine there so I have to go elsewhere for that.

They gave me some morphine which sort of helped but I could actually still feel pain. Then they gave me antibiotics too, and said it was for UTI but I swear to God something isn't or wasn't right with my stomach either, and I'm on Cipro after they gave me an IV of antibiotics.

Do I know my shit or what? I know when I am in pain and it has NEVER been in my head. I am the best judge of my body and issues.