Fiance to the State

I think the state, if they are reading my blog to try to decipher me, should understand that someone should be validating and verifying what I write before deciding whether what I write is creative license or is true.

I just wrote a lot of stuff about my fiance which was all negative, but which was to show the state, later, that people write a lot of things which may or may not be true, and you cannot use a blog or writings to determine facts or a person's mental state unless you personally know the individual or know the situation.

I also had a doctor, this last week, make an assumption, somehow, that I had only known my fiance for one month which isn't true.

I have full confidence in my fiance and his character and I wouldn't marry someone I didn't love, for any reason, even though I've suggested otherwise in my blog. I think it's humorous is all, thinking of the reactions. Michelle Erickson from CPS seemed to think my marriage plans were funny at least. lol.

I need to finish my post about the OIG complaint which I plan to finish tomorrow. But I feel like writing a little bit about my fiance, whom I fell in love with I guess, in the last month, but whom I've known since we met at a party in November.

I met him when it didn't look like the father of my baby would be there for me, or be able to be there for us, at least at that time. I was just friends with A. at the time, but spent more time with him and fell for him and he fell for me. He didn't like the idea of being together without being married. We actually postponed any intimacy for a long time and then decided to get married. While we've only been intimate recently, we've known eachother for quite awhile and I guess, when it's the one, you feel like you've known eachother all your life. It is also true what they say: it happens when you least expect it.

He doesn't have hardly any money at all. He's barely ahead of me financially, but he treats me well and I knew he'd be a good father and I couldn't imagine marrying anyone who wouldn't be a good father to my son.

In the last month I've met all the Colombians. Before that, it was just the two of us, friends and figuring things out.

One thing that's different about him than most of the other guys I've dated is that he likes more makeup. I've no idea why I'm writing that, my he likes the popular heavily eye-lined eye look. The whole dark-eyed deal.

We have a lot in common but we're also different from eachother. We both like to dance, which is something not every guy is into, but coming from a Latino culture, most of these guys like to dance. So I need to take salsa lessons, to say the least.
He also likes some eclectic musicians and has somewhat of an artistic eye--he likes Bjork at least. He's an architect in Colombia and considered to be a professional there, of course. He has beautiful and artistic handwriting but I haven't seen him draw much.

He hasn't had any other girlfriends besides me, but it was fun to write as though he were stepping out on me. I figured everyone likes to salivate over something and that Wenatchee CPS and doctors would eat that up. He's one of the most faithful assholes I've ever met. Haha, I mean that in an affectionate way.

I guess it was the timing. I wasn't ready to fall in love until now. I think I was warming up to the idea with this one friend where I wrote mabye I'm in love? because I thought about him all the time and had to call him every day. A military guy who I shared some of the best laughs with. Then I sort of fell for the guy I worked with, Spiderman. But when that wasn't going anywhere, A. stepped in and I guess I was just ready to take the plunge.

It will be his first marriage and he's in his 30s as am I. I've been welcomed into his group of Colombian friends and I did meet a woman from an embassy but I doubt any of the people I met are "spies" and all I know is that everyone has jobs, a family, and is trying to make it in America and has only good things to say about the United States AND Colombia. They love it both places and tell me I'd love C. and that it's beautiful and have showed me photos of the beautiful mountains and rivers. It is truly amazing.

As far as I know, all of them are Catholic, at least in the traditional sense. Some are more religious than others. I wouldn't presume to know their religious or spiritual standing. I know my fiance believes in God but is not especially religious and doesn't ask that I get married in the Catholic church or anything. He has been sympathetic about all my travails. Today his friend that we're staying with encouraged me to go to church but I told her I'm really not open to the idea. It is more damaging than helpful for me to go to church and provokes more anxiety than anything. I am fine with my life as it is, with me and God and prayers and reading on my own. If I want a community or group of supporters, I'd rather go to an AA meeting (which is another thing I don't need) or a group that has a common hobby than church. I have nothing against church and found it good for me for many years, but now, in my life, I know what I believe, and I don't believe I'm any closer to Heaven simply because I go to church or not.

I still have an interest in speaking to people at some various embassy's even though I'm marrying someone from Colombia and his family and friends and group have been a kind of protection for me and my son. I think I need international support. Which may sound strange, but why not think big? People are people, everywhere around the world, and there may be some in other countries who would like to help me and my son so I don't know why I'd just limit myself to people in the U.S. or even Colombia alone. I've made so many wonderful friends from different countries here, that I feel it's in my and my son's best interest to be ask and see if we shall receive. I know I can do some good things for others in other countries. I especially feel I can count on support from some middle eastern countries and maybe a couple of european countries and possibly Latin America too. Africa, because I think about the boy I used to sponsor in Zambia. Oh, also Russia and some asian countries. I like the idea of the respect in many asian countries, for the intellect and how they take pride in working hard and being intellectual. It's an honor and not something people get uptight or jealous about, which I like the idea of. I said I was going to visit some embassies before leaving for Wenatchee and I am back on track with this plan, I've decided tonight.

The only time I had doubts at all about my fiance was in his constant questions about how many pills I'm taking, or questions to doctors about things. I asked him to be there for me, but I'm not used to having someone get involved in my personal details and we actually had a talk about it. I think in Latino cultures it must be more common for men to know everything about their spouses but for me, it is a huge sacrifice to not have total autonomy, or feel as though I do, in my own affairs. He's not against narcotics like I suggested, but he was more interested in all of what's going on and I kept wondering why he was asking the doctors questions when they were speaking to him in English and he doesn't understand enough English. I told him I'd rather have him ask ME and I would tell him what they said. I think we pretty much decided he would leave my medical decisions and affairs to myself and he'd stay out of it, and I'd stay out of his medical stuff. All I want from a spouse, when it comes to health, is someone to hold my hand maybe and bring me things and visit when I'm sick. I would do the same if he were sick and I've done the same for family and friends in the past. I make an excellent chicken soup too. But it's spicy! I use red pepper or cayenne pepper if red pepper cannot be found fresh. It's very good for illness because it stimulates the system and makes your nose run. ;)

I was trying to find the Spanish version of the MMPI because I'm going to try to give him this test. I think, if I had to guess, that he is an INTJ. Well, I want to say "J" because he's tidy, and most "P"s are not, but I sometimes think I may be better at making decisions and sticking to them than he is. He says okay and then vacillates forever and it's like I'm repeating the same info over and over. It's like, nothing has changed, and the information is the same, so make up your damn mind. I don't know if it's possible for anyone to be more of a "P" than I am, but he is. Actually, I'm just more of an "I" than anything else.

Oh, and I think he had second thoughts when he saw my reaction to first being in the hospital. The lady came for the financial application thing and I yelled that I already knew who was going to be filling that out, or who I was going to make pay: Chris Dabney. I told my fiance, why the hell should I pay for all of this when he has a part in this and I can more than prove he was the father. He should pay for half, and then I decided, no, he should pay for all of my medical stuff, especially if I find out he's with the FBI. Seriously, if he is connected to the FBI, the whole organization is in deep shit. I kept vacillating about writing about him because I kept getting these bad vibes and I was worried about him but for some reason, I haven't noticed this at ALL in the last entire week almost. Something is different and I feel like I can write what I need to write and not worry about it. It may be the safest thing for me to do anyway. But aside from that, my fiance knew I was just in a lot of pain.

I do think he must be a J though, because he tries to make decisions for me. He is a tiny bit controlling, but I think most people are controlling because everyone WANTS to and TRIES to control me. It pisses me off and my fiance has pretty much figured out what pisses me off. Marriage does not mean I give up my rights. I am not compromising my life for the life of someone else. I retain my full identity and I've expressed this to him. He retains his full identity as well.

So anyway, my fiance has a daughter he wants me to meet. She's 7 or 8 I believe and I've seen photos of her, she's really pretty and lives in Colombia. I want my son to have a good family and support and I feel good about the family I will be marrying into. I have every confidence they are more of a family than my "family" has been. I honestly have no desire to be a part of my family, or the Bairds except out of necessity. They have done far more harm than good in my life, except for my grandmother.

Anyway, as for independence, I have told my fiance and he agrees with me, that I retain my own career or dreams and career choices; my own bank account; and other things. I am taking his surname though, instead of a hyphenated surname. His last name is Pardo but it's spelled with and without an "X" and I prefer the spelling with the "x". Cameo Pardox. I want to say Cameo Paradox though. I don't know, x or no x?

We're both open to having more children. He wants a lot. Like, at least 2 more. I don't want more for a couple of years and will be taking every precaution because I feel my body needs time to heal and I need time with my son and husband and I think it would be better for my son to be the center of attention for awhile.

We both plan to work, even though he'll have to do menial labor, possibly, in Wenatchee, because his English isn't there yet. He's even open to working in an orchard, which is respectable because he's highly qualified in his own country but he will do whatever it takes to get by until his English is better--so that's admirable, I think, that he's willing to do boring and lower end work to support his family without injury to dignity.

So anyway, our plan is to both work when we get to Wenatchee, doing whatever, and then, when Oliver is with us, I will be staying at home as a stay at home mother and my husband will work until Oliver is in school. Full-time grade school. Both my husband and I agree that FT daycare is not good for any child, and if possible, is better avoided. So we are both in agreement that Oliver will be at home with me again, and of course, will have his hours of preschool and other activities.

Oliver, my spouse, and I, will not be living in the Pacific NW. We are both decided on this as we both enjoy the East Coast, especially the Maryland, Virginia, and D.C. area. A. has positive things to say about the Maryland school systems but I sort of prefer Virginia for school. I like D.C. for work. But everything is close together so it's easy to move around. Also, Oliver will have a very large and warm family and group of friends here. Most of them are Latino and are open and affectionate. The children I've met are respectful and seem happy. All of them do the kiss to cheek thing and say "ciao". It's sort of different, the Colombian thing. I watch my fiance when he's angry, and he pinches his fingers together with his thumb and holds his hand out like an Italian.

I seriously think he's more Italian than anything. I'll look at him when he's mad and I say, "Are you Italian or Colombian?" There's sort of an Italian-Spanish mixture of culture. I'll have to read up more about Colombia.

As for drugs, believe me, he's not into it and neither is his family. Tons of the family is over here and travels easily to the states because of good relations. They have good relations with the embassy people here too, so even though we don't have any money, he's at least socially connected with his group. Anyway, one thing I had to get across to him, was that marijuana wasn't a big deal. First he seemed fine and then not fine and then not fine and still has these raised eyebrows. I've no idea why. I saw the same look on his cousin's face, when I brought up weed. The guys around were agreeing with me, about medicinal properties, but I'm wondering if his family is extremely religious or something or puritanical, moreso than other Colombians and Americans in general. She looked like she didn't like it and I saw her look at my fiance with disapproval. I don't know, mabye someone in their family had a problem with drugs so they're paranoid now or think there is no medicinal use or something. I have no idea. But I told him I'm getting a legal permit when we get to Washington, because otherwise I'll be in ER all the time and I'm not doing that again.

I wonder if he's pissed I'm not using the Lyrica. Maybe someone thought they'd sneak in the brain-numbing drugs and say this is better than weed for migraine. BS if so. I am fully sold on marijuana and it's a miracle drug for me, for migraine prevention. At any rate, my condition requires very little and I wouldn't be using it around my son at all, ever. It's no big deal and it's legal and necessary for me.
I don't know what idiot would use a brain slowing drug everyday instead of something you use for 5 minutes only 3 days a month. Go figure.

So anyway, I know my son will love him and they'll probably get along really well. He plays soccer and my son will love playing with him. We're also agreed that while we may have children in the future, any discipline of Oliver will be up to me, and I made sure he still had the same general philosophy, of not spanking or physically disciplining children and he does and he's also open to attachment parenting philosophies.

He's 100% faithful. Neither one of us have any interest in anyone else or in any of the open marriage stuff. I think his family is fairly religious though, which is fine with me, in general, as long as people don't start pressuring me to go to the catholic church or anything like that. His bracelet actually does bother me, because all the saints on it just makes me think of the monks and all the icons around the monastery and how they abused me and lied about me. I don't get a good feeling about the bracelet which he just started wearing. It has to do with my connotation of the saints icons and the monastery--like all the mary stuff they were so angry with about. If he wants to be Catholic, that's his prerogative, but I wouldn't be marrying him if he was bringing religious stuff up with me--no way. And as for my son, I taught my son prayers and some religious songs, and I even took him to church a couple of times, but I wouldn't take him to the catholic church myself. But my fiance hasn't pressured me about that. He said he wasn't very religious but I honestly question the saints bracelets. It's something that a monk would wear. I don't see regular catholic guys wearing bracelets like that.

I'm just not that into it. I can't see anything from a distance, unless I'm looking at it closely, but I know when I first took a close look at it, I thought, "What the hell is this?!" and it made me totally uncomfortable, because I don't even know that many devout people who wear saint portrait bracelets, especially men, and considering what I've had to go through, it's not "therapy" for me to see it. He asked me if I liked it as if he'd give it to me to wear if I did but I nodded vaguely because I was NOT going to wear it. It would give me, personally, the eebie-jeebies. If he wants to be Catholic, fine. But don't put it on me, literally. And don't expose me to stuff like this, thinking it's going to change how I feel either.

I honestly have thought I could easily become Jewish. I still do believe in Jesus to some extent at least though. So I couldn't be, but I'm just not into all the dogma of either the protestant or the catholic church. I think too, it's something about organized religion. It seems that some Jews love me and others just seem to hate me but I don't know why. I guess I may be the type of person who either just provokes love or hate regardless of who someone is.

I've been listening to Alison Krause's radio all day. I needed a switch from 80s. I went to Glam Rock and then to Krause. Have heard some really good songs,by Mary Gauthier, like "different kind of gone" (album: drag queens in limosines).

Anyway, yes, I'm getting married. Could have done it earlier and I have already kicked him for taking so long finding me. I had reservations about a couple of things, but over time, I changed my mind and felt more secure in my decision.

I am actually really excited that this has happened at this time, because all I had in mind was my son and my problems and to fall in love at such an unexpected time, with someone who is so kind and devoted, is truly a blessing. I thank God every day for my fiance and understand now, who is good for me. I always wondered what kind of man he'd be. Well, like I said, he's not rich, but no one could fault him for anything else. And, he knows my entire history and isn't put off by any of it, even if some might have concerns, he has said to me, more than once, "I believe in you".

I couldn't marry someone who didn't believe in me.

Anyway, this is the true story of us. The other stuff, was, well just stuff I knew I could write about and then recant and have CPS or state people pissed off about. I figured it teaches them a lesson to think they know everything about me and my blog and when I'm telling the truth or when I'm making something up.

I hope the state has learned a lesson. No one from CPS or Wenatchee should think they can just print a page from a BLOG and tell someone that THAT is the truth or is the exact reflection of the truth.

I am actually surprised they ever did this, because it's not even justifiable in legal actions, usually, because written word or free speech can be so easily misinterpreted and misunderstood. One doesn't know, for sure, the intent of the writer in the writings unless the author is questioned and it's understood what they wrote was the actual truth.

The Be Good Tanyas are amazing..."I Wish My Baby Was Born". wow. Good thing I didn't hear this one awhile ago. Right now I hear it and feel okay.

I believe I will be living in another country someday. My country hasn't been good to me and I think I would be happier elsewhere. I, at least, would not have to feel the sadness of hypocrisy and corruption. I don't necessarily see myself in Colombia though but perhaps in another country entirely. Colombia is absolutley gorgeous, but I am not certain it is where I'd end up. My husband and I might consider living somewhere else, though he really loves Colombia too. He loves Colombia but would live in the U.S. and in another country too.