Eyes Without A Face

Today is all about eyes.

I got a comment today, about sectoral heterochromia, and then I was thinking about this as the song "eyes without a face" came on, and how I had just asked my boyfriend, today, to draw an eye for me.

He is an architect and I wanted to see him draw an eye and see what it looked like. He drew a one dimensional eye with the pupil centered in the middle and nothing different from one side to the next. He said it was my eye. I said, "I'm a cyclops?" and he laughed, because it looks just like a cyclops eye. One big centered eye with lashes evenly distributed on upper and lower lid.

Hmm. Now i'm wondering, if it's not looking to the left or the right, as a left handed persons rendition would have the eye facing left, is this a sign of ambidexterity? or does it indicate nothing?

Vibes...I haven't had the danger vibe for awhile and I haven't had the heaviness feeling either. I think something or someone is in the clear for now.

Yesterday was a weird V day. I didn't buy chocolate for myself. I confronted my boyfriend about his being with some other woman during the day and he totally denied it. It was pointless to deny but I think he's used to fooling people. I said, first he acted guilty that morning when I questioned him, and then, he gets home and his upper lip and chin are all red, chaffed, and swollen, like someone had been sucking his face for hours. He said he'd just shaved with soap. Some shave, that shadow of growth by afternoon. I said, "You SHAVED?" and he said he'd used this lotion and pointed to a bottle of lotion on the ground, which I've noted, had not moved for days. It was in the exact same position. Okay, not only did he have chaffing and redness, clue number one or two, but his lips, previously dried and chapped, were plump, pumped, and pink. I know that just-sucked look. There was the first denial with darting eyes, and then the blinking fast denial, and then the next day I said, why even try to excuse it? just admit it and stop lying and move on. Instead, he suddenly burst out talking fast and upset, and saying if I didn't believe him there was nothing he could do. On and on, to where I think in the past women may have said, "oh I'm sorry for accusing you falsely." I looked at him squarely and said calmly, "tu no recibes 'lo sientos' para me."

I have nothing to apologize for. Nice try, trying to turn it around on me. Now I know what it looks like, this expert liar thing. I stared it down and watched it go up in flames and stoked the embers.

It is what it is. I think it's absolutely unnecessary to lie. Pero, maybe this is a marriage blanc for him--because if it's not a woman, he's covering a gay affair. Whatever.

I took it like a lump of sugar in my tea. I said what I had to say, and that was that. I know, and I have a choice in what to do about it. I chose to ask him to pay for my computer part. When he said he'd have to work all day to pay for it, I just looked at him.

Sorry, but you get no sympathy from me buddy mack-meister--lying about being with your slut just cost you. Lucky I don't have the SIM to give away to someone. Lucky fucker I say.

I am very nice, and I want to do some good things for this guy and for the world in general. but don't fucking mess with me at this point. I am not someone you lie to either, because I have eyes in the back of my head and radars to make a man wince. I told him, I get signs and messages, and if it's not through my own guesses and instinct, it's by God or something supernatural like dreams. I told him, I may not get the whole story, but I get at least part of it (so don't fuck with me).

I told him, "you're getting yourself a girlfriend in Wenatchee." Why be angry I don't kiss him, when he's screwing around with someone he really might care about? that's what I don't get, bc he'd just told me he wanted me to be "there" emotionally and I told him "this is business." It is, what it is, no? so why does he want my fucking heart? just for some kind of collection or trophy? he asked me if I'd thought about him that day. I said, "no". It was an honest answer, but he can't be honest with me?

This is what it is...he is helping me in a sense and I am helping him in a sense. It is marriage blanc, and a marriage of convenience, and why lie to ANYONE about that? throughout history, there have been marriages of convenience, and I had thought we're being open and realistic about this. there's nothing wrong with it, and it's different, but i guess, if we're clear about some things, why frickin' lie to me about other things? I haven't lied and I'm still making good on my end of commitment, even knowing what I know.

What's in it for me? or for him? I don't really know what's in it for him other than a better opportunity to stay in the U.S. and be close to his family, friends, and "others". For me, it's not money, but it is helpful to have some assistance in different ways. I can't do everything by myself right now. He has helped me out while I've been sick and I would do the same for him. It is a sort of partnership for now. He wants more children and I said I didn't want anymore. He said, "with me or in general." I said I didn't know about in general but I didn't want children from our marriage and he was okay with that. He has a daughter of his own and I have my son. He's interested in meeting and knowing my son and I would feel the same about his daughter and I'd go to Colombia too. There are different advantages, for now. He toasted to me and I said, "to the unification of Colombia and the United States." "A el unification de Colombia y Estado Unidos." he laughed. He said maybe his next generation would assist my next generation, back and forth. Our children could be friends. I nodded. We went to a japanese restaurant for Valentine's Day dinner. We ordered fried eel and sushi but I just wanted sushi once I'd started on it.

The servers at the Japanese place first gave me a red rose. Then I had the first one and another server came up to me and handed me a second rose. Then there was a dispute. A third server told him I already had a rose. So they took away my second rose. I wanted both. Why can't I have two?

I picked out invitations today. I didn't like the ones with decor on the side and designs in black. I chose white ones with a cream off-set design. He said the rings are already here from Colombia. How could they be here that fast? I guess they are.

Every breath you take--I'll be watching you. I heard this song twice while having my computer checked out. I kept turning around for some reason and then I think I did see someone I recogngized on V day. Also, noticed a silver car with tinted windows in the corner of the parking lot and wondered who. Also, the day before V day, I saw the SISTER of someone I knew long ago, and it was so clear, she looked just like him, but I didn't know what to say. She had maryland license plates and I wondered if she lived in this area. I saw her and I knew her by her face, instantly, because she looked like her brother, but I don't know if her brother looks the same anymore. It was really strange, she looked so young, and like him when he was young, but I wonder if he looks the same?

I am confused about someone in particular, if it is another person or the brother of this sister...I don't know.

Yesterday and today I slept a lot. i was so tired, and not feeling well. I had a dream that my son wanted me but was held back from me and he was screaming and trying to break free to get to me. I'm also convinced I'm still having the miscarriage bc of the pain. It's all pink or tan discharge with white tissue and sloughed skin or something. no clots, just white tissue-like material. I don't know for sure what it is.

I like this song "15 minutes" by the smiths. I heard "Forever Young" too and it's poignant, always.

Saw a motorcycle rear up in the middle of traffic, like a horse, and I think the cycle and rider were all in black. It made me think of "the dark knight". my boyfriend almost seemed to know it was going to happen because he pointed it out and said look and THEN the cyclist reared up, right in the middle of speeding traffic, like some motocross stunt. I said it was crazy and amazing and he said he'd seen this before, in this area. I said I'd never seen such a thing.

really like depeche mode's "Somebody". there are not that many other songs to compare on the romantic scale. i like this concert version too and then with sort of music box effect at the end. true love.

someone just came by, and asked me if I was writing a book. "Someday!" I said, "just practicing right now..."

i thought about getting a box of chocolates today but i can wait. i started my chocolate box tradition when I was a young teenager, and i would lie across my bed, with the sunlight coming across it to warm me, and i would get out a new novel and begin reading and just eat chocolate after chocolate. belgium chocolates in particular, because in moses lake, there were not a lot of chocolateries--it was Whitman's or belgium chocolates. my cat would try to curl up on my book, and i was always moving the cat. then i developed a thing for long baths, filling it up with more hot water when it got cold. I was always cold and my parents were always telling me to put on another sweater or warmer clothes. It was FRIGID, and i swear it was an attempt to get me upstairs to socialize because this is where the fireplace was. i read romance novels then, but i typically read more non-fiction now.

i forget what a good song "purple rain" is. prince is really fantastic.

i talked with my boyfriend about princess diana, just a little. He was okay talking about it so that's good. the first thing he talked about was how the cars and drivers got switched last minute--he agrees with me her death was an assasination. i talked about the witnesses and he agreed too, there were no paparazzi in the tunnel at the time of collision.

I talked to someone about security with typewriters and realized I'm an idiot, because i was thinking someone could hack an electric typewriter, but you can't, because it's not connected to a phone line like a fax. so i think i could get an electric typewriter instead of an old manual one. but then i wonder, if it's possible to jump onto a desktop that's not connected to the internet, why wouldn't it also be possible to somehow connect to an electric typewriter? i don't know how anyone could view anything though, by typewriter, unless words came up on a readerboard.

I think i'm going to attempt some images sometime tonight. i had a lot of ideas running through my mind last night, and felt inspired, but didn't have a chance to connect. my computer seems to be fine now too. I want to get a plug in thing so i have internet anywhere, but in wenatchee, it was such a problem with my things being accessed, I think i'd prefer to have the satellite kind but it's more expensive, though more secure, i think. i am still looking into legal strategies for filing to dismiss the dependency case regarding my son, or for new trial.

I think I can prove violations and then if new trial, no grounds and violations in protocol for taking my son to begin with.

The state has said they'll give me discovery now, all discovery since I got their "box" after all the hearings had been heard. I don't have an address to give though, because we're planning to go back to Wenatchee.

I have asked for visitation to be set up in Wenatchee, with my son.

I still need financial help and contributions for legal costs and getting my son back. I hope maybe we will be able to set aside a fund for this. I'm suprised no one has offered help, but maybe it will be forthcoming. mabye people want to see an actual fund set aside for this? I don't know, but if that speaks to legitimacy, i'd do it.

like "Space Age Love Song". I think i'm in love, and that i will marry more than once.

i wonder if anyone has ever married a number of times, to help peole with their papers or for any other reason? how many times could someone marry as a form of underground railroad work? i'll tell you one thing...this train has one fucking good caboose. just wondering... not that i'm doing this now, but i think i will be married someday and fully in love. i just wonder what is possible. is there a cut off for marriage? i wonder how many times I could be married, potentially? i just may be a late bloomer...what would the U.S. do if I got married, say, 10 times?

At any rate, I think I'm going to have to go to hospital soon because the stomach pain is getting worse and i'm warding it off with narcotics and a lot of discharge with white tissue is being expelled. I don't think it's normal. It's quite a lot and i have bad cramping. i think I was right all along, and GW was WRONG, telling me the miscarriage was completed when I knew it wasn't.

I just don't want to go yet. I need to go, and for my back, but i am stalling, because I want to write tonight and come up with some images.

love, love, bizarre love triangle. and just invited total stranger to my wedding. ha! he sounds cockney but he says san diego and i told him he should party with us and asked him if he wanted to go to my wedding. he said sure. i like that. I like the idea of spontenaity. The "sure", "anything goes" attitude. why the hell not? who am i inviting to my wedding shower? how about a mish-mash of total strangers? let's see what happens and how much we can all learn about eachother.

one thing I want to get out of this marriage, is advice now and then on how to be a better person, and growth. So i'll work on my spanish for one thing. i have an idea for my boyfriend too, just one to start...but that's private.

i'll have to write about some of the adventures. I should remember all the funny stuff, like the expressions I hear on the other end of the phone when he tells his relatives he's getting married. they say "really?!" "for sure?!" and "who IS she?" a lot of the funny stuff comes from mistranslations. the other night I heard the colombians talking about food and heard "perritos" in the mix. I repeated, "PERROS?" and one cracked up because he understood i thought they were talking about eating dog but they were talking about hot dogs. the other night when i asked my boyfriend if he had a special goat when he was younger, he kept saying "goat?" and I repeated this, and finally, when he said, "a WhAT?!" i said, "a "meeeh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh..." making a goat sound and he laughed, asking what a meh-meh-meh-meh-meh was. I said, "A meh-meh-meh-eeeeh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh?"

i am starting to get a little bit of the bad feeling, and it's about 8:24 p.m. I don't know why I'm getting some of this bad vibe, it's a sad-heaviness vibe but i don't know about danger. mabye danger too, but more heaviness.

my pain is seriously getting worse. I took one percocet but everything hurts. i am just fighting this off for now. I just took another Percocet.

I wonder, if there is true love for me, why don't i see this? why don't they come forward? is someone waiting for my transformation? if that's the case, it will take a long long time. why am I waiting for something I feel i'm still waiting for but that is around the corner or something? i am hoping i don't close one door by going through another, because for me, I see all of my doors as open still. i just need an open-minded man.

As for my boyfriend, whom I'm marrying, he's good with kids. i watched him around others and he has a daughter. he has already agreed to leave all discipline to me and that i will be the one supervising. I'm also not having my son adopted. but he'll be able to continue with the spanish my son already knows. he sort of even looks a tiny bit like my aunt's husband. just a little. I'm sure my son will like him. he has also assured me he is primarily interested in my getting my son back and in the outcome.

I have genuine attachment and interest in my boyfriend's well-being and future, and I believe he does as well. I checked out his name and some other stuff and it turns out he wasn't lying about the military stuff, and about his name, it's legit as far as I can tell. I have to put my trust in him to some degree, and he has to trust me as well. I'm not going to leave him high and dry in Wenatchee. I am a woman of my word. I don't make promises I can't keep, and I say what I mean, or try to be sincere. We're both going to work and go 50/50 to get the situation straightened out, and while I'm not well health-wise, he's helping me out until I have the surgery I need and am back on my feet. I am committed to doing him good, and not harm, as long as he's also good to me. all the days of my life? umm, we'll talk about longevity another day. but really, for me, he's a help-mate, and a witness and a bodyguard all in one. I think what he really wants is cooking from me. I like to cook, but I have to feel it in my heart, and lying about making out with someone on V day doesn't warm my heart any. I can cook though, once established, just give me some spices and some cook books and I'm good to go. Not a bad cook either, and i've even made cream puffs and creme brulee. the most complicated thing I've made is maybe Chinese or Italian. I'm good at tacos. I told my boyfriend, "Yo soy el reina de tacos."

The day I wrote about being tired of picking myself up again, and getting back on my feet and whether to depend upon myself or others, guess what my fortune was, from the Chinese restaurant? it said, "Depend on your feet. You can climb the highest mountain." So I thought, "hummmph! what is this? burn notice?" messages from the Chinese take out. I thought, really, this is a perfect way for spies to get their istructions, no? I would say Chinese take out or through a particular radio station through music. you'd have to have a disc jockey and cook in on it.

I wish he came with more insurance, like medical insurance would be good for me, like Blue Cross or something, but that's not the case. Who knows, maybe we'll fall in love, it has happened before in arranged marriages, but there are certain lines I've drawn and he knows what they are and we're clear on it. Seriously. I do not imagine being able to be in love with him, at all, but I care about him and enjoy his company most of the time and I'm sure I could begin to love him in an agape love way as amigos, no problemo. It is extremely difficult for me to "fall in love" and I think this happened to me when I was maybe 13 or 14 years old, in an immature way, and then I think I realized I had fallen for the father of my babies from my last pregnancy, but late. I realized I was sad without him even though it was dysfunctional, there was something special about it and I missed him and no matter what was wrong, I find I cannot write further bad things about him because I began to be concerned for his safety and health. I have to know he is okay and doing well. I told my boyfriend this and he knkows everything. i told him I wouldn't be able to marry if he wasn't okay, beause it would be like celebrating at a funeral. I cannot help what happens with my heart really, but I am capable of separating my emotions for practical necessity, for what I believe is in the best interests of my son, who is my one true and never-failing, never-ending love. My love for my son supercedes everything in this world and I will do anything for him, within the constructs of what is legal and ethical according to my values, whenever the benefits outweigh the risks, for his sake. I love my son with all of my heart. Everything I do in my life, since I had him, I do for him. I am constantly thinking of him, and dream of him, and worry and plot and plan solely for his sake and his interests.

I do have respect for him, and i've apologized for my own behavior, when I felt bad because I asked him to help me too many times, in a sort of demanding tone, and I said I was sorry and I didn't think he was mi enslavado.

I'm rambling but feel like rambling right now. because I know i'll be in surgery probably, pretty soon. stalling. like tina turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It?" really like that tina turner movie too, one of my favorites with angela basset. love love Question of Lust by Depeche Mode. really good song. i also really like just around the corner by cock robin and i've said that before.

I don't have that bad vibe anymore. It's gone now. If it's not about a guy or a situation, mabye it's about my son or something. I don't know. It's now 9:29 p.m. and the bad feeling lasted for about an hour.

I am glad I realized I don't want to be a spy. I have always thought it would be such interesting work, and I played "spy games" even when I was little, and liked the idea, but it's so dangerous and I think maybe I'm more of an activist-humanitarian type. I'm glad I got to figure this out. I mean, if something came up and it affected a lot of lives, would I try to help? of course, but I want to help all lives, not just those of a certain nationality or group. I would like to contribute to peace, but also, I know, as I've spoken up about things, just communicating about certain facts can be dangerous and put lives at risk. My life, and the lives of others. Because sometimes, to acheive peace, you have to go through some kind of war.

This is so strange, that bad vibe is totally gone. Just peace and an uplifted sense again. Before, it was definitely "the bad vibe", and now it's gone. Everything is okay again, safe, secure, and alright. now 10:13 and bad vibe again. don't know why. maybe it's pointless to keep track.
**********************************************

pancakes for breakfast
mickey mouse faces
bears, kittens, shoelaces
tied in knots
one girl with eyes like mine
another with black hair shining
cuts from a duel
who wins i'll never know
i see a part and not the whole
i am too young to know this
too naive for this information
once standing by the stove
watching
now mother to my own
i make lousy pancakes but i know
how to make one little boy smile
happy in heart, secure in mind
knowing the time before they say
a child can know the time
************************

some kind of tug of war
but it's me and i don't know who is tugging
pulling at my hair
saving a lock for keepsake
i just want to tear, tear, tear
to hear the sound of buttons
popping off, something to laugh at
more for my button box
********************

rolling up snow or rolling the boulders
pushing the tank down to the slope
heart against hope
am i the sacrificial lamb
the gold ticket for a gold pantsuit slut
or is there another lining
in this snowball, groping for one
beautiful thing
that doesn't glitter, isn't gold,
isn't anything but soul
selling what is most precious
green linings in the tree trunk
spring new
she walks in to have a look at me
next time her meal ticket is waving back
you too, honey, must
rub two fingers together
pay the dues, and dishonesty
will cost you dearly
don't fuck with me
we might be friends
break your vows
i'll break mine
more easily than breaking bread
haughty will huddle
without blankets
without a cup of tea
cross yourself before crossing me
next time, walk by
with your head down mistress
we will see who comes through
if you do
you may win a happy meal with a toy prize

****************************

kiri, kyrie, elesian,
revelations, job
pretty copper penny
in every jar
keeping some kindred coins
close to me
wailing and crying beside me
the man who wants my kisses
all of me
for vanity, the sake of pride
sleeping with a lie
tying the noose for another
asking me to smother
with my affection
it's enough, i think
you have any part of me
cuando tu become another name
another confession
another life
cuando esta possible por ti
haber honesto,
i think, i want it all
i want nothing
i haven't found the one for me
he discovered me and won't
admit it to himself, to me,
or to el mundo.
afraid of the reality
absence makes the heart grow fonder
proximity breeds contempt
put-ooey
porque i noticia muchas
personas hay bueno a mi
so nice to me, all types, even gangs
but one day, one man
in red, spits after passing me
and i think
what am i getting myself into
or what am i getting myself out of?
am i going in, getting out, going under,
getting ahead, giving up, gearing for...
i have idea where i am going
i see myself in many roles:
i was a hot dog last week
and last night, as i sat on the mattress
and it was being filled with air
as i sat with dinner in bed,
i said i am thumbelina
on a lilypad
i can be whoever i need to be
just let me be me underneath it all
once i have my bearings in this sea
i should be fine
but it's always moving, always changing
i think i adapt fairly well
going now
into the center of a marbled marble
eye of a storm
calling, he's calling me again
i'm preparing for surgery
stomach knotting
twisting, rupturing out the remnants
of a little white lie
to myself, what a reminder
i don't want to move
he's waiting, still waiting for me
i don't want to move right now
just want to sit idlely
and type nonsense, rambling out the
beginning and ending of
miscarriage
marriage
what a tossed salad this is
possibly needing marijuana leaves
to alleviate the migraine
coming up next
******************
this is not a poem at all...above, just nonsense and rambling. frustrated i have to go to hospital. i am still debating about writing about dabney because i don't know what's going on for sure. i really do not know. need to think more. also, need to write my fucking complaint against fbi and portland police for cover up.