Running Up That Hill

I felt, from 9 p.m. on, tonight, the prayers of many people, or of one powerful person, who must have connections to God.

Then I came home, and heard one of my absolutely favorite songs. Kate Bush's "Running Up That Hill." I adore, adore, mi amore this song. Tengo mucho amore por esta canta. I feel my heart is on fire when I hear this song, and that I'm pulled by an incredible force--there is so much weight in this song it's difficult to breathe almost. Just beautiful and inspired.

I think the Brian that was trying to talk to me today had good intentions. I hope. I didn't like everything that was said, but he kept trying to call back. He offered several ideas as well. Based on this, I think he cares. I hope. I think.

I thought about things. I felt it was impractical to go out into nowhere, and I love my Pakistani people, but he just said, my male friend, to meet him in D.C. and I didn't want to be dropped off not knowing at all where I'm going. He knows I just didn't want to be in another place with a well-meaning guy. I've stayed with men for long periods, and nothing of it, but didn't want to be in a sketchy situation, just in case my friend didn't know someone in particular--I told him I'd rather stay with women if possible and that I really just need money to fight this case for getting my son. I decided to see if I could at least meet over lunch or coffee first, with my friend and decide what the solution might be or if he has any ideas. I have been safe with A. at least, and if I don't want something, there's no pressure. I am still really torn, like, I kid you not, there is this dual. I am struggling a bit but feel fine tonight at least.

Oh wow. I like this "Rosanna" by Toto. First time I've heard it. Jazz and rock at the same time. This is so good.

Some interesting things I saw today, in "pictures" or whatever...images flashing before my eyes, but A. wouldn't tell me if true or not. I saw him lying down on his belly, with one leg crooked and an arm crooked, and a long barrel gun. Black with a very long barrel and then a helmet. A black military type helmet. I don't know of any military that wears black helmets but I told him.

He asked if this was in a dream and I said no, it just flashed in front of me, in my mind's eye, imagination. Then, later I saw a machine gun. But I don't know why. I asked him if he was "trigger happy" and he looked insulted and said no. I don't know why that came to mind. Then, he came in limping the other day, after going out to play soccer he said, and I said to him today I thought it was from wrestling--that he'd been wrestling with some other guy and they were pinning eachother down and hurt his leg. I said he was fighting with some other guy. He said, "today?" and I said, no, yesterday or earlier.

I don't know if any part of it is true but he looked surprised and was trying not to smile sometimes.

I REALLY LIKE this song too, I love INXS: Devil Inside. I love INXS.

I asked him why he quit wearing the catholic saint bracelet after our engagement sometime. He said no reason. I said, "What? you thought you just needed the saints when you thought you were marrying me? You have a cross too? for keeping vampires away?" I was joking and he laughed.

I also told him, "One thing I KNOW. You have many secrets. Or, there is one very big secret. I don't know what it is, good or bad, but I know you have a big secret. I'm positive, and it's impossible for me to think otherwise, because I just "know". However, I don't have any idea what it is or what they are. But I know this."

I really like David Bowie's "Blue Jeans". I am a new and instant fan of Billy Idol and David Bowie. I really like these guys. They're powerful but what surprises me, aside from the intensity, is how good their voices are, in even a classical sense of just being naturally good. I also like Falco--I think he is brilliant and I always click when I hear his voice. He died too young.

A. said think on things tonight. So I said okay.

When I was leaving the house today, I had the impression that today, someone was leaving but I didn't know who. Some man. And then I did this one guy in a van, all by himself but couldn't really see him, in camo gear. I thought this was sort of interesting.

I don't know how to jump out of planes. Not without a parachute.

I did look up that prayer by the guy at Obama's inauguration. It was beautiful. And the guy wasn't Catholic, he was just a methodist wearing a black jacket. I felt that "praying for me" feeling when I read it, sort of an infusion of truth. It really was a good prayer, for everyone. I didn't know what the point was, of telling me this, but I'm glad I looked it up. I started thinking about some things. Lots of Bs. Three Bs so far. And an S. who had something important to say and I thought it was for himself but I think it's possible he was speaking for someone else.

I don't know what's up with A. I noticed this unguarded look of falling for me, sort of, like he might really like me. But I also noticed he was looking at other women today, more than usual too. But then too, he blushed a few times while talking to me. Red in the cheeks. I don't know why.

The Cure "Pictures of you". I hear this and thought, "blessings, blessings." Strange. For some reason, I saw these words at the start of this song. lol. Don't know why.

I asked A. if he thought I was crazy. He said yes and laughed and knew this from the start. I said crazy like Loco divirtido? or loco seriosa? He said loca divirtido and crazy malo like he wanted to strangle me. I said, "Do you think I need medication?" and he said, firmly, and very seriously, "NO."

At the cafe, I stood by a guy and noticed his bracelet on his right hand. It was just wood and a design on wood and instantly I thought "Columbia" and I asked him if he was from Colombia and he said yes and brought his left hand up and showed it to me and there were bracelets that said "Colombia" and had colors of Colombia. I said, "I didn't even that! I just knew from the other bracelet for some reason!" and then he asked me if I was from Russia. SEE!!! Everyone guesses Russia. I told him he had to meet my friend from Colombia and introduced the guys to one another.

We got home and played Parcheesi. It was a good game and Pilar looked stunning. She is beautiful and I'm going to send it to Wenatchee because she likes American men and I could set someone up with her. I said two things, out of order tonight. First I said, "Does anyone ever listen to Zed Leppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" while playing this game?" Then i corrected myself, and said "Led Zeppelin." THEN I said they could get the movie for tonight because I trusted their judgement...last time he brought over "No Country for Old Men." So I said, "Me gusta 'No Casa por hombre mortes. Oh, I mean, No Country for Dead Men." Then I realized what I had just said and cracked up laughing, and Henry was laughing and saying, "Si, si." I said, "OH no! I meant hombres viejas, no mortes....(lol) no pais por hombres mortes." We were all laughing, and they got a movie, "MILK" and I have to go to watch it now. They're waiting for me.

Bryan Adams. Summer of '69. Shit this is good fucking symbolism. I love Bryan and this song was my favorite, his CD my favorite, in 5th grade. I asked my teacher, "Who is this?!" and never forgot. Wrote my first poem to Ryan Ivory while inspired by Bryan Adams.

Talking Heads, "Born Under Punches." I noticed A.s hands today, and they were white at the knuckle. I asked him if he'd been boxing.

Axel F is sort of interesting. I think I'll have to pay better attention to him.

I really like The Smith's "Panic". I see gossip and chatter panic, not violence or fear, from this song. I am healed, renewed, changed, corrupted, and a romantic wreck because of music. I testify to the power of music (bowing now before it and making a curtsey if necessary).

It may be strange, but I sort of relate to "Video Killed The Radio Star." I know some people have taken my song ideas and I found out later. It's hard to prove but I sympathize with other artists, of all kinds, who think of good things and someone else tries to take the credit. Even, like, in the movie "Grandma's Boy". lol.

When I left the cafe with A., a car of guys cheered. A lot of people out that night. I feel I made the right decision for tonight and I just wish I had a crystal ball for my future because I'm trying to see what I need to do.

I always like Phil Collins' "Easy Lover." I have not always been a Phil fan, but I do like this guy. Okay, I promised A. I am coming to the movie. I guess it's about an artist or actor! or something. I've heard good things.

I have this to say, he hasn't abandoned me even if I have questioned other things. I've never heard "Dirty Diana" before by Michael Jackson. I'll have to listen to it later. Maybe after the movie.