Plans Today

As I was pulling out of the parking lot for the hotel, I noticed several cars parked around or driving around, with an interest in where I was going. One guy, good looking and latino, in a nice car, just cracked up when he saw me, I guess, because he thought since I was with someone in a trashed car, that I wasn't going anywhere too fast, or that I was securely without anything. It was clear he was amused. Really, I would have told him to fuck off and wake up. Some of the better people are actually driving the shittier cars, and you don't always know who knows who in this town. It's pretty stupid to think turning down assistance or friendship with someone, because they appear to be poor, is going to get you anywhere.

I don't choose my acquaintances based on their position, money, or social status. I choose to be friendly with pretty much everyone and I go after what someone is about inside, not what they appear to be from the exterior.

And if someone is exactly what they appear to be, more power to them. Being who you are, in general, is probably the best policy because deception can easily backfire because most people will tune into something.

I haven't cried at all or been panicked.

I think some people think I'm trapped now, probably U.S., and are hoping I just go back to Wenatchee with nothing, because they know I am out of time. I'm not going back to be screwed.

I'm getting my son back, and if these people want to be fuckers, they should enjoy it while they can because no one knows what will happen next.

If I lose my son for any reason, these people have got a fucking thought coming. I have been strung along and lied to, for maybe good or bad or a combination of reasons, and no one bothered to be straight with me and actually come through for my situation with my son. Then I have people in the U.S. just thinking it's great because now, they think, I have no options and that I'm going to lose my son if I don't get screwed by the state first.

I asked a friend to take me to the Panera in Germantown again because I am making my contacts and I'm staying the fuck away from the U.S.

All these people have wanted, is to screw me over and finish what they started because they don't how to accept responsibility for their own actions, some which have been criminal.

This friend I talked to today was telling me didn't I see this coming, and no, I didn't know for sure what to think. Then he said, didn't I see it coming with the cop last night and I said I thought so, but he was saying he wanted to help me with a loan. So I thought this was possible and I wanted to know what he had to say about it. Nothing happened with him except a few kisses. He didn't feel me up or touch me and I did nothing to him, at all. It wasn't a hook up in any way. I didn't want to be alone and wanted to talk to someone and that was it. So, it turned out he was just another set up. At one point, he wanted to do more and I told him no, and that he was under the influence.

So he grinned and fell asleep. Then he was still talking about a fucking loan for me until his buddies contacted him and told him to skip out and see what I did next. I had a feeling though, before he even left, and I called this other guy who I knew would be good for his word at least. And he was.

Oh yeah, I could call Pete Garrity! About the place in Pennsylvania! Right. I want nothing to do with him or his entire fucking crew. The fucker tries to set me up and put me in jail and then has a "place" for me in Penn.

Something that was weird was that this cop guy, I don't know, I think I guessed something about him that he didn't want to admit. For once, he denied it, but I have a very good feeling I was RIGHT even though he lied and said I wasn't.

His hand was on my arm and I said, "You ice skate don't you?" and he said no. I asked again and he said yes he did and why did I ask. I said I thought he'd had a knee injury from ice skating once. He acted extremely shocked and asked how I had thought of that and I said I didn't know, it just came to my mind. It was one of those flash insights.

He tried to deny it but I could tell, there was no denying. It was one case where he tried to say it wasn't correct but he was too surprised and I just "knew" besides. I knew it was true, whether he directly confirmed it or not. He had a knee injury from ice skating. He kept asking how I knew. I just knew. He said he was German-Irish and he looked German-Irish.

I'm getting all these breaking up songs from my radio station today. lol. Like a whole bunch about "it's too late" and "our love is broken" and "i loved you but you didn't know" and "i'm not waiting anymore" and "couldn't you see" and stuff.

I'm just tired of being lied to. I'm tired of being lied to about everything, big and small.

I have had a bad vibe for about 15 minutes. A heaviness and sadness vibe. Not sure where it's coming from. I actually miss Exxon. I guess he was growing on me but it's too bad when he turned out the way he turned out. I don't like the whole "marry me and here's some money or I'm dumping you with nothing." He put $2,300 in cash in my hands and then when I said I wanted to think about it another day, he insisted it was that day or never. And then later he's saying I was never his girlfriend. But he's claiming he was faithful to me all that time. He told me I could stay in that hotel with nothing or call him. Not only that, what the fuck is wrong with the picture when you've got someone who is telling you they want to be with you and that they have fallen for you and like you, but they're leaving the house to get sex somewhere else? He said sometimes I said I didn't want to and that was true, when I was depressed about something, but it's not like I went somewhere else for it and he would get up way before I was up and leave the house and I knew he was going somewhere but he always claimed he was just going to work. Work doesn't start that early though. Not for most people.

I think I must have been wrong with just about everything. I had thought someone was really in love with me and I guess I'm wrong or he'd be here. I really thought I "felt" this was true. I was wrong I guess.

I am trying to figure out whether to call on my Pakistani people or if they got tired of waiting around for me.

I wrecked my back again. I danced at the bar the other night, when it was just about 3 people total, and I ran into the side of the bar.

I'm getting more "I hate you" and "i'm breaking up with you" and passive-aggressive hater music like "R.I.P". this is just bizarre. And all the songs were on normal audio, playing at normal levels for volume, but this one just came in BLASTING on, above and beyond normal volume levels and I didn't touch anything.

Now it's normal again and it's a regular song. At different times, with lastfm., the music is totally cranked up. And it's on this station that I've had little "programs" of songs played. Some songs out of order or out of sync with what it says is being played, and then the death stuff and today, a bunch of hater songs about breaking up.

I have the heaviness vibe still and it started at about 4:15 a.m., and more songs about breaking up and moving on and so sad but not looking back stuff. Well, I definitely feel depressed but it's not over being on my own or this situation--it's the same heaviness feeling I had in the past, when I knew something was wrong, which was an intuitive thing I was feeling that started a couple months ago.

I wonder if I actually really was starting to love Exxon? but that wouldn't explain all the weird stuff going on.

LOL. hahhaaaaa. this song, "love confusion" by katdeluna. so good.

I have been writing some reflections on a private section, notepad thing. I don't know whether to keep it totally to myself or to be brave enough to try to post it. Will have to think about it a little more.

This song by Stefani makes me think of my son, "Hollerback Girl." He loved the bananas part, when I sang this part to him. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

Things are just stranger by the minute.

This guy who picked me up, who had approached me a couple times to do music, and who asked all kinds of questions about my situation with the Colombian guy, well, he approached me in the library and today said he could store my bags and suitcases and he gave me an address for where they would be.

Now, he's called me and sid he's coming, AT THIS MINUTE, to drop everything off.

He fucking DROVE AWAY with my bags and I'm thinking they're going to be safe at a place, and then the next minute, he's calling with zero notice to me, to tell me he's just dropping everything back off with me.

You cannot trust anyone in this town. I mean, don't tell me you can store my stuff if you can't. He never said for a long time but he gave me a fucking address and said I could store them for a couple days. That was the impression.

So he tells me he's coming back with all my stuff and just going to drop stuff off at the cafe. I told him I needed time to figure out where to put them. It doesn't matter to him.

For all I know, he took off with my bags and someone went through everything, and now that this has been done, I'm getting them dumped off with me again.

As for him, I have some questions about him. I've seen him watching me downtown and actually following me in his car on diffeent occasions. I've caught him at unguarded moments, looking at me with disgust and contempt, but to my face, he's always been so nice and he said even that he wanted to do music with me and brought his guitar one day to play, and said he'd loan me a guitar.

He approached me after I wrote I had met some people from Colombia. He then advised me, later, on Valentines Day, to either get out of my relationship with Exxon or pretend I was sleeping with the enemy. I never called Exxon the enemy and wondered why HE, this guy, did.

Okay, even weirder now...

I found someone who said they'd help me with my bags when he dropped them off. So get this...He comes in and is sitting down, and telling me to get my bags, and this other guy who is at least storing my bags temporarily said okay, tell that guy to drop off the bags and after he's gone, we'll take care of them (put them in his car). So I said okay and when I went out to the car to take my bags, the guy, I'll call him by "M", said to me "Get in." I said, "Huh?" and he said again, "Get in."

Oooh no way in HELL am I going to "get in." So I said, "No, that's okay, I just need to take my bags." So I got my bags and told this other guy, "That was weird."

I mean, I reserved judgement until this evening. First, telling me he's dropping my bags off after taking them for awhile and maybe going through them. He calls me and says he can't wait, and they're being dropped off. Next thing I know, I'm being told to get into a car? No directions, no explanation, nothing except "get in".

So that's decided for ME. I think that was the last music contact I'll be having with him. It is just too weird.

I also think, why in the world am I thinking I have feelings at all, for Exxon, when he pulled such a shitty scam? It is really not cool, and especially not when he's doing this little money thing and then making sure that when he leaves me at the hotel, I am left with absolutely NOTHING. He then told me he would still marry me, but if I wanted help, it was with HIM. So he asked me if I had any money, and after I told him I had nothing he said I was on my own unless I wanted to marry him still or changed my mind. ?!

Who the hell does that?

Everything is so sketchy it's not even funny. I am starting to feel like one of those women from Russia who gets shipped to some other country to work as a waitress and it ends up being a sex slavery or trade deal where they're sort of trapped in a situation or promised things and then those things are not delivered but they're dependent upon the people for things and so stick around. I cared about him, legitimately, but other things were strange and I was being prevented from getting some things done on time and he was too interested in talking to my doctors.

I mean, it seemed normal at first. But then it kept getting weirder and then all the "spy" shit and people from embassies and everything.