Today

I feel really guilty today. Guilty, and I didn't think I would, and like I've fucked up.

I also miss Exxon, but I don't miss the mystery.

I am too smart to be lied to and everything gets fucked up, even if someone has the best intentions, because I KNOW something isn't adding up. And when it doesn't add up and I don't know the details, I start to question things.

I went out for a drink and met some people. I had a drink or two and got down to the music. It was the brightest lit bar I've ever been to. The Blue Fish. What a dive, too. I mean, total dive. The songs were 50s and 60s and then I remembered Billy Jean the most. It was my favorite one to dance to.

Someone came with me but I wouldn't do anything, and neither would he, besides kiss. Not even make out.

I feel like there was something very unique and special with Exxon, in a way. But I don't understand the tactics and it's too difficult when someone isn't honest, even if they're just hiding small things. I pick up on it.

I picked up on it with Chris Dabney, with Exxon, and now, with this guy I just met. And I'm not interested in any of it.

I only want to get my son and sort of be free. But I also miss the idea of being with Exxon and maybe doing something really sky-high, like, revolutionary or something, in Colombia.

It came to the money thing. The money thing screwed things up. He tested me all the time and I tested him and some things didn't add up and then he didn't know why I was upset about it.

At the Blue Fish, I thought, everyone looks so white and sooo...American. I sort of miss the exotic flavor of being with Colombians. On one hand, I got tired, mentally exhausted sometimes, with the Colombians and the Spanish all the time, like I was in a foreign country, but I also miss the exotic nature of being with Colombians and immersed in the culture and dance.

I told someone last night, that I thought perhaps there was a big secret but it wasn't bad, but maybe he wasn't willing to reveal his full identity to me or something. I started wondering, sort of, if he was connected to this princeley prince or whatever, but I told someone, if someone is screwing around on you behind your back, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what their position or title is or how much money they have. I am really serious about that. I would never be happy with someone who couldn't be faithful to me. It would bother me too much, no matter who they were. He said he wasn't with others, but I seriously question that.

Otherwise, in some ways, he really tried. But whatever the secret was, or whatever the secrets were, I couldn't handle the mystery. I need someone to be able to trust me enough to share with me what the truth is, and even if it's an identity thing, at some point, someone has got to trust ME with the accurate information.

You can't lie to someone and expect things to follow according to some kind of plan. Someone said last night, "What goes according to plan?" i don't know. But you can't keep things from someone and expect them to react appropriately all the time. You just can't.

At any rate, once again, a lot of people didn't want Exxon to be with me. So many different attempts to pull up apart and we held on, for a long time, against some crazy odds. But still, I question some things, naturally. And, for someone who is such a gentleman, when all is said and done, I was dumped off with nothing and told to call him if I wanted a way out of my situation. It was either him, for a little assistance, or nothing at all.

If he cared so much, he would be the type of person to offer help without major fucking strings attached. Nobody wants to give something for nothing I guess, but I like to think someone who cared about me and my son would be willing to give without expecting anything in return. I mean, that's not how it works usually, but I like to think someone would be willing to die for me.

If someone is in love with you enough to die for you, well, I take that back. I don't want anyone to die for me. But the idea is that it's sacrificial and you'd like to think if something is true, they would stand behind you and help you even if they couldn't have you. I mean, move on with their life, but...that they would...

I don't know. He put money in my hands, and I counted it out, but then he took it back. Not just part of it, all of it.

And then dumped me off with $6 for food, after I told him I didn't have any money, and that I'd used the last $200 for a P.O. Box. I would like to think, if someone were a gentleman, and knew of your situation, they would give you the money anyway and say farewell if that's the way it was, and wish you the best in getting the situation with your son straightened out. Is that idealistic or wrong?

I mean, if someone truly doesn't have the money, they don't. But his words never added up. One minute he had nothing and the next, he did. I saw him tell me he had nothing and then spend money on other things, so that's where it wasn't even, so much about money, but about things not adding up.

Sometimes, Exxon was kind to others, and other times, he was rude. I noticed how rude he was to a waitress once, because she didn't bring the primo liquor the way he wanted it to arrive. He was very exacting, and after that I didn't notice this so much, but he has a bit of an ego.

To this day, I've not looked up his name. I don't need to. I got to know him as well as I could in the timeframe I had, and maybe I never will look him up. If I found out he was someone different, would it matter? In some ways, yes, because it would explain some behavior and why things weren't adding up. But, in general, no. Probably not, after all that.

So one of my musician friends called and wants to jam. It would be nice to do this. It would be nice to just get on my feet somehow, through music.

I am out of time. I was all the way down to the line and I'm out of time now. I really think it is probably good I am out of that situation. Because, for one thing, it was very controlling. He wouldn't even give me the phone number for Ariel & Adriana, a couple I really liked, when I wanted to talk to them about something. He just wanted to cut me off and apart from others. I had to go through HIM to talk to others. And I didn't like that about some of his other friends who didn't want me to stay at the house unless it was with HIM, like HE was the ticket and without HIM I was nothing.

That's sort of the note he left on as well, that if I wasn't with HIM, good luck on my own. But even when I was with HIM, I was still sort of controlled. He pressured me to make decisions based on withholding things from me. Someone has to be free in order to make a good, free-will choice.

If he had just given me the money, for my legal problems, I actually would have looked at him in a different light. I would have thought, for once he's just giving from his heart and with no expectation from me and I probably would have gone with him, willingly, based on a gained and newer trust and faith in him. Not based on what small help I might get in the future, but I would have been able to make my decisions with my heart. I liked him, and I might have married him, with my heart in it, if he had been willing to see what I would do, should I be independent and able to stand on my own and make a free decision. He might have been surprised. But he didn't have that faith in me and wanted me to be the one to jump. Trust goes two ways, and for my part, at least I wasn't the one withholding information or lying.

Mis palabras hay mis palabras, I said to him often. I meant Mis palabras are mis palabras. Yo soy honesto. I told him, "tu no eres honesto con mi."

The other thing I didn't like, on a personal level, was that he didn't trust me. He kept saying he knew I would feel better, PHYSICALLY, if I went back to see my son. He didn't have enough faith in me to believe me when I told him I had serious pain, which isn't new because he's not the only one who hasn't believed me in the past. But he thought it was in my mind or something and I need my partner to really believe in me. "Yo creo en ti." I need that. I need someone to believe in me. I think he did, more than most. Really, Exxon believed in me, in leaps and bounds, above the fray, more than most. For that, no, I don't forget. But also, I need someone to trust me to know myself. I mean, when he talked to my uncle briefly, he was convinced my whole situation with the state was easy and that all I had to do was "cooperate" with them. Like it was my fault and I was doing something wrong. I told him, "Yeah, and my uncle ALSO says we should take up residence at a homeless shelter..." and Exxon laughed. But at different times, I didn't know whether Exxon was going to back me up or not.

I'm still confused about everything. I'm so confused because something was very strong and good about him and about the two of us together. He made me happy in a lot of ways and he was growing on me. We had minds that matched, in a lot of ways, despite barriers in language, and chemistry was good but I'm probably not the only one he's had chemistry with. I had some people ask me why I was with him, and telling me he just wanted a trophy wife and a bunch of shit, but there was more to him than meets the eye. The part I couldn't handle, was the stuff that didn't add up and I didn't know why. Aside from the controlling issues, and the lying about some things, I felt we had some intellectual connection and connection with values. And he was affectionate and I miss him, like, I was able to imagine being happy with him but everything was so fast and pressured, but with my situation with my son that's kind of how it was. He also has a genuinely good sense of humor. Yes, I miss him. I don't really like the plain old American life either. I like the spice and variety of another culture and there was a lot for my mind to explore and I liked having the new experiences. I just don't get the demanding stuff and the money tease. Despite all of my questions, I sort of miss him. And for anyone who thought he wasn't good enough for me, driving around in the shitty car together, you can't judge a book by its cover. He was more than meets the eye on the inside. But then again, leaving early in the morning and coming home late at night--the almost no sex for a couple of weeks I didn't get. I told him, "It's not normal." And he swears he wasn't having sex with anyone else but...? I don't know, and I would call and his phone was turned off. If he thought he could screw around with others and then just be with me after marriage, only, how does he think I would believe things would be different after marriage?

So this guy I just met, he's saying he's lived in Maryland his whole life but that's b.s. haha. I told him he was from either New York or Boston. He has an accent. He's another Catholic. Dear God! I don't know too much about this guy except he's lying to me too! lol. OH well. I told him I'd have him sized up in about 3 days. Personality typed and sized up, and could give him pointers on how to be a better undercover guy. I told him his outfit and bad haircut were working, but his teeth were too white. He said he works in construction. It's very weird. I was thinking maybe he's a spy or undercover too, or concealing something, but aside from the accent thing, I don't know.

I just want the situation with my son worked out but I want a fair chance to fight it and I don't have that.

At any rate, he got his kiss. I want to write "I kissed the Prince" but what I have to say is this: I kissed Exxon. And then we said goodbye.

C'est la vie!

This guy says he might be able to help me. All I want his help for my son.

I don't want a fucking romance right now. I really just want a fighting shot to get my son back on my own terms.