Didn't Smoke All Day

Someone told me I couldn't quit smoking so I had to prove, to myself, I could. I haven't had one cigarette all day.

He said I was looking like a strung out crack whore or something and I have to agree. That stuff has sucked the collagen out of my face and I've circles underneath my eyes.

I was told I might make billions one day. Sure. Well, it's nice to hear. From the ground up? We'll see. Not in this town I fear. I try and try and try, and nothing works.

I have people placing bets and putting out contests, just for me. Yeah, that's all I can say about that right now, but I notice how these people get bolder in their games and I don't like it. I haven't done anything to harm anyone and instead, I get intentionally pushed and locked out by a whole group.

Group think. I had no idea. I am not going to be able to get my son back, just because of this, and it's not even my fault. There is nothing I can do about it. I try, and I try, and it doesn't matter. They have their minds made up. Sign to sign, across town, is "thumbs up" to my floating down the river, from dam to dam. This is the official burial grounds, it seems. Every so often, it is reported someone is found floating down the river.

I don't even have half the knowledge to understand this, but it's vicious and mean. In no way have I tried to harm anyone. I haven't. In return, it's join 'em, not even knowing or trusting what you're joining, or lose.

I try. I have offered myself up more than once to be a sacrificial lamb, and I am STILL trying. Can I turn it around? Can I get ANYONE on my side? I try. I really, really, try.

It seems it doesn't matter. No matter what.

I just got kicked out of another establishment for absolutely no reason. One that decided to use the slogan on their own billboard, and sponsor this game. They decided to tell me I couldn't ever come back because a couple law enforcement asked if I was a hooker. I said I was not. I also said this was ridiculous. It didn't matter. The next thing they tried to accuse me of, was of lying to a front desk woman to use a key to take a shower. They said, SHE said, I asked to use it after I said I was leaving my room. I had told them, no, this woman specifically offered a key to me to shower. They said my story didn't add up. I said, it sure didn't, when it makes NO sense whatsoever, that I would CHECK out of my hotel room and THEN decide I wanted to take a shower. I never did this and it is ludicrous to think I would come up with this idea.

The woman who allegedly told the management this, also was specifically trying to get an ID badge from a hospital back from me. She kept insisting I give it back. I said that was okay but she wanted it back. Maybe it's because she knew what was written on it.

It's one thing for me to have a difficult time and it's another thing to be totally ostracized and isolated because I don't understand how some of the people here operate.

I try, but I don't see anyone trying to help me more than they try to get me into trouble.

Let me see some good.

I do my best. I shudder to think this is the "best" of the town. I shudder to think. I would like to think people are accepting. I have nothing to say except that I don't understand these people. I get fear and scare tactics when all I've done is try to get simple work and housing. These people never want me to rise from the ground.

Prove me wrong. Let ME see how this town is GOOD to others. I want to KNOW, and taste, the goodness of the town. Give me a hint of how kind this town can be to others.

Then, maybe I'll want to put in some stakes.

I did something tonight that was spontaneous that I will never forget and if there is ever a movie, I want this part in the movie:

I went to the bathroom of the same establishment that kicked me out telling me it's the last night, and I washed my hands and then pulled up the blinds to the large windows overlooking the town. There is a tremendous view of a great portion of Wenatchee. I watched cars and SUVs and sedans driving by, one after the other, and stood there watching and started to cry. Not just cry, sob. Guess what sob rhymes with?

So I stood there and tears just falling, and I determined I was not going to be ashamed or turn away from that window. Should anyone care to look, I was putting myself face forward to the town, in tears. And then, after crying, standing solidly for a while, and shaking from the tears and grief and shock of it all, I then took my two hands, palms against my face, and brushed away all the tears, making my palms entirely wet. I stood to the town from that window and this spontaneous idea came to me and I didn't even think twice. I took my wet palms, and I reached up to the window with palms facing the town, and I set them against that window and that town, and brought them down, streaking the glass with my tears.

My tears. My grief, and the grief of my son, upon this town, for the cruelty and exclusivity and threats. My tears, and the grace and peace of God upon you nevertheless.

I leave my tears with you.