poems and thoughts

hands and knees
occasional whip. long whip. when she was standing, just for effect. black.

i saw this. special k for supper.
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I also saw Jenny standing there with nothing on. Just standing and someone staring. She didn't need to be undercover really, she was standing so you could stare. Oh, you may have been on the bed, but she was standing apart and at a distance and allowing you to just view her.

Men who stare at goats get the goat. you get the one who takes the money and you don't even know the fuck where it's coming from. you think you're the one who controls the game. and you thought, or someone told you, i was the honeypot. i wasn't the honeypot. i was the real thing and you sold out for the worker bee and thought you could put the queen bee on birth control fucker. there was no "spell" with me but now you ARE under a spell, and yet you wonder, like a coward, and complain, about why the bee stings when you try to put your foot down in the wrong place, at the fucking wrong time.
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this morning, first song: "crucify" by tori amos. and now, and first time I have seen the original video.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8ljHOSqc4A
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I'm tired of people with a shitload of money, giving me just enough to keep my head off the street, out of shame and fucking guilt, knowing i should have my entire life and my son as well and yet they do nothing, really, except throw a few pennies into the slot machine and hope to feed someone else in exchange for keeping tabs. Control for the sake of control. Period.

Some people--good poor people. but the ones I've been around are loaded. using their money for evil and wrongdoing and trying everything covert in their power to harm me and my son and provoke a response to keep me down and alienated from others who would, if they only knew the whole truth, would be not only sympathetic, but standing up as part of a fucking army to take the bastards down.
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it may be a time for me to be humble but then I think "what have i done but be humble? and humiliated?" maybe it's time that those who humiliate me and seek to humiliate me and degrade me, feel humiliation firsthand, by the grace of God as it is given to me to use to make a point.

do i need to humiliate women who have done nothing wrong to me? no. but maybe there are groups surrounding some, who have done hideous things to me and my son, and using others to their advantage and for their own gain. in that case, don't fuck with me.
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right about now, I feel like ezekiel, getting ready to sick a bunch of bears on the children mocking his baldness. "How mean!" i used to think, and "how terrible!" I couldn't believe a prophet of God would do such a thing to children. One of the most shocking things I ever read in the Bible. I mean, one thing for Jesus to curse a fig tree and another thing for ezekiel to send a bunch of bears to devour kids. Do I feel this way? not in the least. Not like that, at all. However, in the past, I wouldn't have tracked down teenagers unless I knew their behavior was being encouraged in part by adults, and I wanted to know who they were.

Just this afternoon, I was passing by a house and teens out and I was friendly and no big deal until I kept walking and then I heard the mockery. I usually walk on by but no, I asked God to give me something and I got "cheating in school". So I walked back and the two older teen boys took off, I guess having "heard" about me. So the teen girl who had been mocking and laughing so loud, who I had been considerate of and nice to, I stared her in the eye and said, "I just wanted to let you know you might want to be careful with your cheating in school--I wouldn't want you to get caught." Shock and stunned silence. I nailed it and knew it and I saw the look on her face.

I'm just tired of it.

Then, the other day, I wasn't upset with this one guy or anything but trying to guess something and he was very polite. But he lied to me, all the way through, and I still wasn't mad, but I knew I was right and then I saw the look on his face when he got into the car. He was shocked. I knew he played or had something to do with hockey and when he first said no I said I just picked up on it. He said his friends wanted him to go but I said I was sure he was there, and then he asked me if I went to the games. Why would he ask if I went unless he thought maybe I'd seen him there?

It was one time where he lied the whole time but I still knew I was right about something. I thanked him for "being honest" because, I said, "I hate it when people just agree with me just to agree even if I'm wrong." But I was right.
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Today too, I am pissed that my faxed request to terminate some benefits wasn't honored when I got it in on time and the guy is just trying to fuck with my legal strategy in favor of the state.


I got a lot of things done today but was pissed that I haven't been able to do as much because of all the hinderances I've had and what I've had to put up with. The upheaval and being distracted.

I really prayed a lot this morning. Which doesn't show in my attitude at all, but I consdiered a lot. Praying good for enemies and returning evil with good, all that, but also looking at passages on justice and righteous anger as well, and vindication.

I spent a lot of time praying because I felt it was needed and even if I spent a couple of hours doing this, time would be saved in the long run, because protection and focus and other things could get lined up right and with God in mind, more could be accomplished after devotion and meditation, in a shorter timeframe, than if I just said a quick prayer and winged it. Not that winging it is bad because God honors short and long prayers and it doesn't matter the length but the heart. My heart for God is right, I'm just fed up with people right now.

Don't take it personally.


Ben. "Ben Hunter".

Just like I'm sure this other list of names which I'll write down later that I got with the IRS, won't take it personally either:

The first one I got was, well I'll go in approximate order:
Mrs. Starr #1604019
Ms. Jones #0181425
Mrs Pearl #0349158
Mr. Willson #0196735
Mr. Tatum #4330983
Mrs. Woods #0270753 (decent woman)
Mrs. Worthman #3505297
Mr. Freeman or Freedman #0220976 (helped finally)

Sometimes I'll get a whole bunch of "cindy's, dianas, and wills, and henry's" all at once, on calls for normal things.

There are a bunch of fucking assholes around here.

A couple just walked by, one who did some stupid "romeo and juliet" sculpture which was supposed to mean something I think, and means nothing to me. But it was like it was taken from ME, and it was MY figure and I met this guy and it was all surrounding my Ex.

Y'all can fuck off.

In the meantime, if I see your girlfriend's or your other nasty shit, I'm writing about it until my son and I are in a normal reunited status. Don't expect me not to humiliate you and yours, if God gives it to me to see, if you are not going to be a good fucking sensible "Pharoah" and let my fucking people "go".

Believe me, I see and get a LOT more about people than just flippin' chicken, salad, and pasta.

And for the most part, I keep it to myself.

My son had better be treated WELL and in good shape and someone or some group had better be using their money and resources to help US and not hinder us.
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I like this song by Tremaine Hawkins. It's radical, yes, but I love her. She is someone I can sing along with and feel strength from: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YPmQBANXDo. What Shall I Do? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VaH8FzJqslg&feature=related.
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I had to test something out. This group walked in and there were a couple of men, one with a Gonzaga sweatshirt and the other with a WCougars or something shirt. I asked God for something from that "group" and I got "porn"--one of the men really had a thing for porn. So I turned around and looked and I swear to God, I walked past to see where they went and one of those guys was lifting up a PORN magazine from the porn section! hahahahaaa. Not that it's a big deal, but I got a confirmation and I didn't even have to ask any questions. I just had to see where they went. I sort of got it for the other guy though and it was the other one who went over to the porn and pulled out a magazine. But I knew one from the group was really, really, into it.
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How about the young pretty blond with the long straight hair in a ponytail? How hard did you pull on her fucking ponytail?

I might start asking a little more about that Commissioner in Douglas County, Jill, because I knew she quickly and hotly recused herself from the bench when I brought up photos of swingers which had been discovered. Mr. Cabellero, by the way, where did you disappear to? I did manage to find a link between one female lawyer who was sitting in the back of the courthouse when my Ex was there with me, in a pink shirt, who kept flirting, and then I later found her in another business, engaged in conversation with a man who...well, I'll write about that later.

I might have to ask God, if, in his grace and favor to me, he will show me more about Judge Hotchkiss and Anne McIntosh and Karen, the new CASA worker and some of the old CASA workers and their proclivities. Since they are so interested in my personal life and trashing me...might want to have a closer look.
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660 UFP Washington plates. Interesting man who came in.
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Hmmm, and "Conchita". So who is "Conchita?" and what does that name even mean?
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I asked for something about Anne McIntosh. I got something about a pale long haired cat, not a dark one, but I don't know when or where. I also got red wine, glasses of red wine, and that someone has slapped her across the face before. I cannot picture or imagine that happening to her because she's this put together Attorney General and older and I don't know if it was in the past when she was young or an abusive relationship or a one time incident with a man or woman, but I saw her face being slapped and it sseemed to be fairly forceful to where her head turned with the impact. She doesn't seem like the battered woman type. So maybe it was one incident. I almost want to say it happened in a kitchen but I don't know.

With Judge Hotchkiss, I don't get that much and Im not focusing well bc I'm at a cafe. I would have to be at home and concentrating and praying more. For some reason, some kind of scar on his chest. He keeps a loaded shotgun in his house. Maybe it's a different kind of gun but I sort of got shotgun, or longer type. He really scrubs his back in the shower, with a back scrubber of some kind or someone does for him or used to or with a cloth. Showers. It might be a character presumption but I also see him reading in bed at night with glasses on, and some kind of nightlight or lamp by the bedside. I don't know what kind of books. Something about a tarantula, some incident or past thing or friend or tatoo, or found one in the house...I don't know. Something tarantula or maybe a brand name?

Michelle Erickson. I never meant to imply SHE was "blowjob Michelle", whichever infamous that woman is, she's probably moved out of town by now if she really gave that many blowjobs to that many lawyers. But I also see her doing this. Like, as a main thing with someone or in the past or something. I see this more than anything else. But maybe this is why she's sensitive to what she felt was my suggestion that this "Michelle" was her.

I will have to refine these things later, after I have time to think and focus more. I need to be in a quiet place and think about it more and pray more to get a better connection. I really was surprised about the backhand with Ms. McIntosh.

Someone erased what I wrote about Jennifer Godfrey. It said there was "cross-scripting" and it was erased. I wrote that I got this image of her in an intimate way, standing up more, like over a desk or something. If not a desk, something else, bent over but sort of standing. I also see her doing a little bit of cooking. Having a few cookbooks, but I haven't even seen her before. I'm not asking for just intimate stuff, just whatever.

Russ. Russ Haugen. I feel like he's had an affair with a coworker. Some kind of very big dog at his house or some girlfriend's house maybe. Watches a lot of t.v. but I don't know if it's sports or what. Lived somewhere else for awhile. Maybe has military in family in past but maybe just through traditional WW stuff. I want to say he's, at one point, questioned his own sexuality. I also don't know if he has any children of his own but I want to say there is some child that he cares about, a grandchild? but I don't think or kow if he has kids at all. So I don't know why this smaller kid comes to mind but they maybe bring out one small soft spot. He is also being driven by some woman supervisor or superior somewhere else, in flattery or promises or advice or counsel of some kind. Maybe a lawyer, maybe a supervisor. Also want to say something about video games, computer stuff, or gameboard...something but I don't know what. I don't think gambling per se, something else. Or some hobby with a target or something but not like an obsessive hobby.

I suppose what stands out the most to me, is Anne being slapped. I have to go for now and will think about it more.

Also, this woman who had a St. Michael or St. Christopher medal at the top of a hill at the top of a housing developpment up past McKittrick, she and her husband are newer to town and we talked for a little while and they were pleasant. I had the feeling, as I was walking away, that the woman had some kind of rheumatism. She said nothing about her health, but it came to mind as I was walking away.

Something about Anne's leg or one of her legs also comes to mind but I don't know what. Anne McIntosh.