No Pain--Confirmation of Violence--9th Day of Fast

Today is the 9th day of my fast.

Yesterday for Thanksgiving I had only tea, water, and 2 ham and cheddar hot pockets at mid-day.

I didn't take any ibuprofen or over the counter medication because I wanted to bear the pain and feel exactly what was going on.

I was in extreme pain all day in my lower back, after what happened to me. It last the entire day and into evening. I went to bed lying on my back at first because of the pain.

However, by this morning, it was completely gone.

Which indicates it is not the wearing off of any medication, but exactly what I said it was.

I believe it is going to take at least a few weeks to a month for the drugs and medications I've been given to wear off. I don't know about the violence and use of technology--what will happen there.

I know that for over 2 years this has been going on, with medication and I believe at least 3 years with use of technology as a weapon. Since 2007.

I am thankful that it quit. I went back to the place, hoping, and in faith that it wouldn't happen again last night. It didn't and I slept well enough. I woke to know without a doubt, that with zero influence of any medication, it was the effects of technology and then it wore off. It's not like I strained something. It was the very same thing that my poor 4 year old, then a baby, suffered with me, for no reason, and in innocence.

Last night I was also thankful to have a moment in a warm and cheery spot, to listen to some thanksgiving music. I had wanted to go to a thanksgiving day service somewhere but missed out and then thought it would be nice to be at a music and worship service but since there wasn't anything, I had a little time in a small and cozy room, to listen to thanksgiving hymns, gospel choirs, a few arias, and then my favorite discovery, "Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing". What I felt would be nice, in that moment, would have been a small service with a loud and rolling black and mixed gospel choir, with gospel music and sort of r&b, gospel praise. But I made what I could out of it and then went back and everything was fine last night.

One thing that hit my funny bone and is ridiculous, but the last words someone said to me before I was back at the women's place, were "No, no" by a British doorman or one with this accent. At the same time I said, as I ran out the door and stopped to see it was pouring rain, "Oh no! Rain." and popped out the umbrella and ran through it. It is really stupid but last night it was dark and lights were out and I was rolling my wet hair in curlers and I suddenly laughed out loud. I suddenly thought of this short moment but as "Oh no. Raine." (with an 'e') and I don't know why I even thought of this but it suprised me and I laughed. Yeah, it sounds nuts but it was very funny for a minute. I think it only came to me that way because of the echo of the "no, no" with a british accent. I have no clue. I wasn't thinking about any of them, but it came to mind and was such a flash, and so fast, it caught me off guard.

I looked up the wiki on the hymn Fount of Every Blessing just now. Last night was the first time I recall listening to this song and it just came up when I typed in a search, into youtube, for "thanksgiving hymns," and songs and such. I also looked up Ebenezer, because at one point it says "I lift my Ebenezer" and I guess this is a "stone of help". I first heard it by the BYU Mormon Tabernacle Choir and then I listened to the Chris Rice and Jars of Clay versions. I also heard "To God Be The Glory" by Andre Crouch, and a Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir praise hymn about thanksgiving, "The Praise the Lord, praise the lord, let the earth hear his voice; praise the lord, praise the lord, let the people rejoice; oh come to the father through Jesus his son and give him the glory great things he has done." And an aria by Kiri Te Kanawa, "Unexpected Song" by Andrew Lloyd Webber, and a few others. I guess I listened to the Fount of Every Blessing one the most because it was the first time I've heard it and I really liked the words and melody.

This morning I started out with a Red Bull. It's an Earl Gray tea and Red Bull day. And I looked for habanero peppers to ward off a possible cold onset but they didn't have any! so I had to go with jalapenos. I need some habaneros though. I diced up a jalapeno and swallowed it. I really am not convinced it's hot enough. I will have to find the habanero people.

This morning started out great. I met some nice people right away and everyone seems to be having a good day so far. Or good start to their morning.

I know that having confirmed I am being tortured, literally, and that this is the sole reason for the pain yesterday, and that I was medicated for so long, I felt, this morning, a breakthrough.

I felt a breakthrough in the sense that if I continue to control what I am eating or drinking, I will have no doubt as to what is being done to me. I've been very trusting and negligent in my trust.

This isn't really why I started out with a fast, but I have found it's practical too. A week ago I wouldn't go into a church by ducking under a ladder. I didn't think they had what I needed anyway and found out I was right--they didn't so it was good not to. But then a few days ago I walked under a ladder bc it was in my way and path and I said to myself, "I believe in common sense and no nonsense as much as some signs". Then, that night I read about d'Caprio's flight to Russia to donate money for tigers and how he braved some edgy flights.

I am not allowing others and their interpretations of signs and things to influence things or what I think about what I am to do or should be doing.

I have a little old fashioned sense of luck and signs but I am, maybe more clear headed again, coming back to my grounded sense of what is practical.

It was strange too, because some of the harassment quit and I almost feel like it's with the idea that if I'm not being medicated, there is less leeway in getting away with things or thinking that I don't notice. I have no idea.

I am hoping there is a big breakthrough in figuring out who is behind all of the torture of me and my son. I am also hoping for a breakthrough back to myself and my own power and my own son. I do believe it was good that I came to Tennessee. Some tried to mess that up too, but I still believe it was a good decision and I should have left much sooner. It's at least a little easier to sort some things out.

I am hoping my natural humor, creativity, energy and sense of stability returns after the crap I've been given over and off and on is out of my system for good.

I feel good so far. It doesn't make sense that I would have this much energy or feel okay without very much food, but I am feeling better, not worse.

Yesterday my back was killing me and I ran through it anyway, and told myself, with old cross-country training mentality, "You run through the pain." So I did. It wasn't going to aggravate my condition because I knew it was from technology and not because of my bones or structure or a strain. It was pain and aching from being tortured and it wasn't going to worsen the condition to run despite the pain. I didn't have to because I had enough time to get back, but it felt good to run anyway, even with the pain that someone put upon me, which I didn't deserve, and to be running through it regardless.

But I don't feel hunger pains or anything. I miss tasting things, the sensual nature of food more than anything at all. I like eating just because of the flavors. I don't feel really tired either. And if I start to feel really out of it or weak, I allow myself something small like a granola bar, to eat and so far, it's been really good.

When I was being medicated, people got away with so much more. It was like, just blame it on meds, or make a joke out of it, or use so many different things as an excuse when there isn't one. I feel that it is a very serious danger sometimes, to those who are labled mentally ill, because people take advantage of this decision that labels and then they get away with more. Which is the whole point of calling someone who is normal, mentally ill to begin with.

If a group can discredit someone who is normal, as being mentally ill and then pile on further harm, how can anyone rise from this?