Sleepless In Wenatchee & Oliver Opps

Again, didn't sleep a wink. Rested through the whole night. Felt like someone else was awake during this time. Housemate was asleep. Felt like it was possibly international. Maybe East Coast but didn't know for sure. Trying to use logic, I thought it's probably not a local thing but felt there was maybe significant distance. But I don't know. Worry this time, some worry. By the time I got up, at 8:45 a.m., there was a calm vibe. I feel it is a person, if it's not my son, it's someone in particular, these last two nights.

First thing "out of the gates" noticed obnoxious woman herding around a corner in a car. I said to my driver (housemate), "That's what I try to ignore." The gaming, mocking face which I feel is poking fun at something she doesn't really understand or can't understand. Then we passed by a SUV that was tan and I said, "That man, that just drove by--normal." Then we went by a whole line of cars, and I said, "All of those people, pretty normal." But, I told him, sometimes I see these unguarded moments when people feel secure in their vehicles and I intuit and can read too much. "This is what's been distracting for me" I told him. He said not to look at anyone and not care what others are doing. I said, yes, that this is the newer advice I've been taking lately. But, I told him, when people know they're approaching you, sometimes they can put on a face that conceals what they really feel, but in cars, often, it's more spontaneous. I told him, I have to remind myself that there are some who will make fun of you and not understand you and hate you, and they get off on mocking or gaming, but others really care and actually like you, and it's hard not to notice but I imagined even celebrities and other types have to deal with this.

It's good to be relaxed and just go forward, but it's also sometimes good to be aware of surroundings.

I am looking at and considering three different apartments. All have pros and cons and I sort of made up my mind but don't like the fact there isn't a tub in one of them and it would be so far from the preschool. My main form of relaxation is to soak in the tub but I tried to think about my son before myself, because it's a safe and accomodating place for my son and is next to one of the best elementary schools so, he'll be in kindergarten pretty soon and I want him with me and would like to have him in a good school. That's pretty much why I like this one, and the fact there is a fenced yard for him and a small place to dig in the dirt. I liked that one just thinking about him and that I could turn the extra room into a spare art/writing room. I like another one because it has a fireplace and a tub and is a townhouse which I like--I like the split levels, and I liked the color in the master bedroom, a very warm and dark salmon-peach color. Then I also liked another one which had beautiful materials and a convenient location as well as tub and fireplace but I didn't know for sure if they were enthusiastic about renting to me. But I liked it because of the decor and that it was next to the college. I wanted to apply for them all but I had to choose one. I will be happy to get into something and start decorating and putting things together, and to set up a room for my son.

I would really like to have him back in my full custody and then with me at a preschool until kindergarten and at a good one, if possible. Then, I would like to volunteer at the school he's at, and also work too. I don't know that I'd join the PTA, don't think so, but I'd like to help out often, wherever needed. Hopefully I can finish my degrees and also have a career or finish up some books possibly. If I could get some oils, I'd like to paint, and I do want to teach a child's dance class but lately I've had to focus first on getting housing. After I'm set up, I will study to figure out how to put together a creative expression-music-dance class for infant-2.

I'm so looking forward to this preschool venture. I would never write about the children, adults or work, but there is a lot of documentation to do there, in observational notes, which I'm very enthused about. So it's working with kids and also sort of social-science in keeping track of their progress and I would get to journal about all the things they're doing, which provides this great feedback for the parents and later, for kindergarten teachers. I feel one of my biggest assets would be that I will be very fair to all the children, no matter who they are or who their parents are--I would do my best to provide the most thorough notes that I could, with anecdotes, quotes, and anything else I think of. I also feel excited about helping to challenge and encourage the kids, wherever they're at. Sometimes, it's just helping a child to have self confidence and then everything comes from this...and it will help identify problems or strengths and then it's individualized.

This morning, when I first woke up, or got up rather, the first thing on my mind was "Hugging As Discipline". I started thinking about it more. Sure, I've always been very affectionate with my son, and practice attachment parenting (which really works, by the way!) but I started thinking more and more about it. As a form of correction? I know that my son very rarely ever disobeyed me when we were together, I think because he felt so loved and had all my attention, but I think about it more, when it's appropriate and if it's the thing that really works even if it's so counter-intuitive, or if done in excess it's indulgent (problaly) and how to apply the idea? Sort of different, and it would look like it's reinforcing or rewarding bad behavior but love is always a more powerful motivator than fear. Isn't it? Then, how to have a child adjust to a world where usually one is punished or isolated in response to "undesired actions"...how would that work? I thought about this for awhile.
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I just had a little psychic or intuitive moment with this little girl a few minutes ago! I was at the bookstore and met the parents and kids and then I was walking away and had gone down a hall and I somehow "knew" that the little girl was looking back at me still. I don't know how I knew, but I knew it was the girl, so I turned and there she was, looking at me! I totally felt it and so I waved and she had a big grin and waved back. Then her brother as well. It was strange because instead of just turning this time, I knew ahead of time that someone had eyes on my back and I felt I knew who it was.

Then it was really cool because I got to talk to her parents more and they told me about a private classical school that is ranked very highly in the nation. They learn rhetoric in jr. high, logic in high school, and begin taking latin at grade 3. I'm going to check it out because the class size is very small and it's a nice christian and classical private school that's doing well academically. For the state they were top 10% but for the top national schools they're at 50%, which is really good for such a small town. What a lucky day! They even do pre-k. They said the format is more classical than modern, but that, in it's own way, is sort of retro-experimental anymore. They base curriculum off of the interests of the children and go with what they enjoy. Maybe for other languages and science they go to public school classes, I don't know. I could still encourage my son with his Spanish and try to give him lessons in grammar if I'm taking classes myself. I like the idea of starting kids off in language a little earlier, because it gets harder once they hit puberty--a fact, according to research but I think no one knows why. It just becomes more difficult to acquire language. Latin is a good base though.

I don't know. I'm happy about getting into the paid work with the preschool and then I can look at other things as well. I'm also going to try to get into housing this early week.
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About 12:30 p.m., shift in energy from good to something sort of sad, but I feel fine.
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Something odd that I noticed in the mirror...My tongue is still bright red on the tip, where I had the problem in Seattle with a tainted cigarette. It's STILL different from the rest of my tongue. I have no idea what kind of chemical would/could do this. I thought it was some kind of burn and noticed a metallic taste, but then you figure the red rash goes away. But no, it's still there, and these small blood vessels that got larger and darker under my tongue are there as well. You can visibly see the difference on the tip of my tongue from the rest of my tongue. And I think that was just one of a couple of things that happened there because it doesn't explain the other health issues. I had the bleeding before I had the poisoned cigarette bit. It wasn't the coffee at the cafe because it wouldn't affect just the tip of my tongue--it was the cigarette. But I'm "paranoid". ha! Right.
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energy improved again, about a half hour ago, maybe around 1 p.m.
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I was returning a Di book to the shelves, one about "After Di" and found it too slanted and melodramatic. There's a photo of Di with her head bowed down and then one of Camilla with a huge grin and her new rock next to it. So, everything was sort of selected and set up in this book. I'll have to go through all of them but i didn't feel like reading this one, or even skimming it today. So I put it back and below I found one by Carrie Fisher "Wishful Drinking" which I'll have to read someday. Right away it cracked me up and then the back with the select headlines about her had me laughing. And then, the best part, this inset photo of Carrie with her PHOTO next to a clinical book on bipolar disorder and of course, she has the knobs on her head. She can never get away from those knobs. Really made me laugh.
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I have still felt so much better. But too, I got absorbed with reading and this usually gives me a good feeling. Usually. I read Diana's own words today. From the first section in the commemorative edition of "Her True Story: Diana" by Morton. I enjoyed reading the clips because I've seen some of these quotes, but really out of context. Then I skipped ahead to the very end, and it's true, the last statement, that myth and real person can blend into one. So it was nice to read her mind, from her words. I didn't realize she talked about feeling "undercurrents" and energy too. I knew she was into psychics, but then I got to read where she actually uses this word a lot, even for herself. I guess she was more than a little intuitive, she really had some psychic abilities that sound very real. Aside from this section, the only time I'd heard her own words was through a few youtube clips from interviews but that was it.

I also got a much better insight into the bulimia and when it began. I feel that I might be able to do a very good job on my book. I think so and I will try. I really enjoy reading her own words. It puts things into better perspective.
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I'm beginning to panic at the idea of not having a tub. I might fill out a couple of apps just because I hope the one works out but if I don't have my son immediately, I might like to have a tub and fireplace. Hmmm. Don't know. Need a safe place is the main thing. Might try for more than one, find out which will rent to me, and then weigh what the next 6 months might hold. I do like this other place for my son though, if I could set it up and start making a room for him again. Whatever I can get into
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Another stroke of luck! I was thinking again, "I have to get that library card!" so I was just about to send a short and nice note to my lawyer to see if maybe we could put a little memo together and I opened up my hotmail account and...guess who walks in the door at that very moment? my lawyer. Poor guy. I waved and asked if I could ask him a quick question "off duty" and he said sure, so I told him he had just come to mind and I wondered if he could help me get something for documentation as to what happened with my books and he said yes, we could do this right away. So, it shouldn't be difficult. So glad! I meet the library man Monday so I may have something to give him and can get this going again.
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I smoked today. After reading Diana's words. Not a habit at all, but just a few puffs. Then this kid walked by at that moment and I felt bad about my example. I don't want my son or other kids, really, to see me smoking!
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5:30 p.m. shift again to something sad, but I do feel fine.
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I read a few headlines about the royal family, two or three. Don't like how my direction has changed really, from serious investigator of case to celebrity stalker but I suppose I have legitimate interest. Read Kate M. is involved with charities of her own, which is good of the news to notice. I guess I have never read about her before. I've looked up Chelsey twice but never Kate. If she's "on first" next, or whatever, thinking of "Who's On First", it's good she's getting some coverage that she's involved in humanitarian pursuits. Read about Charles' visit to the soldiers hospital and thought this was great and then something about Henry & William in a helicopter "race". I'm not sure why it was termed this way because from something else I read, Harry became interested in helis after William was, even though he went into the military ahead of William. I wonder if this is really what Henry loves and if he can keep without being more involved as he'd like to be. It must be difficult.
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I feel terrible right now...the sad energy. Ugggh.