Tired

It's hard to get up early in the morning. The very strong vibe is gone though it was there for a minute last night, but things have leveled out. I really noticed it Monday and maybe before. Yesterday was sort of up and down but level most of the time.

In some ways, I am really taking ahold of this good advice to put blinders on and go forward. I'm not looking at passing traffic as much and I'm just looking either down or straight ahead and trying to keep my focus. It is working, in a lot of ways. I mean, I'm still nice if people are in close proximity and we're sitting around, but I don't have to see what's in the periphery all the time. It's a good habit, though to be aware of ones surroundings. I don't know who this woman was that sent that piece of advice, but it was very good and I've kept this mental image in my mind. It's been very helpful to me. Thank you.

I'm excited to see my son today and will be happy to write about our visit when we're done. My heart is aching for him, to see me more, but I am glad for every moment I have. Lately I have taken time out of the day to meditate on him and project my good thoughts and wishes to him. Instead of praying to God for him, I do this too, but I am also speaking to my son, and praying something is conveyed to him even though I'm not there. Like, I would think in my mind, instead of praying to God, "God, please bless Oliver and keep him safe and help him to..." I did this but then I tried to talk to him directly. So I would think, "Oliver, hi, this is your mama and I wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and I love you very much...I hope that..." and so on. I don't know if it works but it's something new I'm trying, to speak to him through thoughts.

I've been wanting to pray more, but I goof off and then right before bed I manage to pray. Yesterday I took time to pause in the middle of the day, briefly, and refocus. My attempts to keep refocusing were to ask God to help me to see others, even those who seem the lowest, with the same regard that God sees them. To help me to see the worth and importance of even...I don't know, everyone, even those I don't pay much attention to and would typically not think of. So I sat and looked at a few people and imagined what things they might have done in their lives, that no one knows about but God knows about, and what their talents, dreams and desires are or might have been. I wanted to pray more but all I managed was five minutes until I fell asleep. I was about to get a flash of an image but I pushed it aside to keep praying. I think it was a Di image but I don't know. I sort of saw her in the photo with her foot bent at the knee and foot back at a wall. I can't remember which one this is, but I saw it in motion, with her kicking her leg forward and then sticking it to the wall. Maybe it was someone else, but that's the impression I got. I didn't allow more of an idea to come to me but continued to direct my attention to prayer and then I fell asleep. Praying with my head on a pillow isn't the best way to stay awake.

It would be good to start out each morning with a small time for prayer and focus and then at night too. I've been too tired to do much. I spend time researching or clicking on things online which might be frivolous, but I need downtime too.

Listening to Alison Krause's "When You Say Nothing At All."

I might consider going to Seattle if there is a PET scan that cannot be done in Wenatchee. It's really not going to make a difference, in my opinion, of where I get this done in the state of Washington. I have serious problems here, with some group with a vested interest in pushing me down and trying to get something on me. I had to go out of the area to get medical care and sometimes even then it was hard. But after what the state has done already, and who they've set me up with, and after the things they've pulled, it is no reassurance that anything will be different if I go to Seattle.

Really, for a basic neuro exam, anyone can do this, and it's not necessary to go out of the area. I highly doubt the state is wanting to pay for a PET scan, though this would prove damage from migraine.

I feel it's extremely odd that for custody of my son, I have been jerked around so much...my SON has been jerked around, and that a head exam and I.Q. test were ordered. I have people, throughout the last several years, trying to tell me "You think you're so special" and yet, it's clear some larger groups must really think that I am, to spend all this time and energy on ME. And not to help me either. What's the point? I would think, that the priorities of others could be thought on. The money spent into screwing me and my son over, could be put to use actually helping us, or if that's so horrible, it could be put to use actually doing some good for the poor or those who really need help. The amount of money that's been spent trying to screw me over and harass me is unbelievable.

As for some of the state workers here--They already know how I was harassed, followed, and someone attempted to kill me and actually did harm me. I imagine they are hoping for more of the same.

What is also frightening, to me, is how it was first Judge Hotchkiss who was getting a big grin on his face, talking about sending me out of the area and then he was staring at Michelle Erickson. Both he and Michelle have something in common--they hate me. If these hearings were videotaped, the looks they exchange with one another would be obvious. Anne, the AG, doesn't exchange these kind of looks until the crowds have cleared. These people do NOT care about my son and not once have they shown me any kind of good faith in being honest and efforts to reunite me with my son.

I imagine they hope that if I were sent off to Seattle, the same thing that happened last time would happen...that larger groups would harass me and follow me about making threats and someone would have a chance to try something again. It kept me from my son last time because I was concerned about his safety, I didn't go back immediately.

Aside from being eager to have me sent out of the area again, the people there at the last hearing were eager to have me medicated. Which is one of the craziest and most criminal things I've heard. They know very well that I'm not mentally ill in that way, and yet they don't care. They want to create an appearance, just like having a security guard at the visits, that I "need" something and they don't care if it's dangerous and unethical or not. I feel, for me to believe they are acting in good faith, they would be increasing visits. Without this, it all looks very political and biased.

Well, onto my latest Di insights and then I'll probably quit pretty soon on describing all my Di ideas. I have had some weirdos coming out of the woodwork again, when I talk about her too much. Some really nice people, though too. Fans.

Yesterday I picked up a couple of books about the family, to read while waiting for some other things. Out of the stack I only picked up two...One about William and Harry and one about Henry VIIIs wives because I don't know much about them. Of course, I wanted to find out about Katherine Howard and her cousin. I read the first chapter on Will and Harry and I quit. It felt strange, that I was reading about their lives. So I read about Howard, which was sort of depressing. One thing I noticed, was in the photos in the Will and Harry book, this personal protection officer. Maybe it's just the photo, but I got the feeling that he didn't just protect William, he really loved him, genuinely. Tony Blackman. Then I thought, maybe I'm wrong and in the end he betrayed the family in some way. But I got this gut feeling, that this man really loved William. The photo of the other personal protection guy from William's teens, had a different feeling. Like he was very good at his job and cared about William a lot but a little more down to business and vigilant. Good guy, but there was something about this photo of Blackburn. Yeah, sometimes photos don't tell the truth, but I kept looking at this one. William looks very comfortable with him as well.

Then I saw the photos of them both as small boys, behind military guns and making gun motions and thought, "Oh my gosh! Terrors!" lol. The ones of Harry are all very cute and it's his little nose in the profile that makes me smile. Very cute. When I want to use a name for him though, even if colloquially I would say Harry, "Henry" is more spontaneous for me.

So my housemate talked with me about it a little and then I saw Lady Gaga and the Queen shaking hands which made me laugh. Those red eyeglasses.
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listening to more worship music today and earlier to alison krause. Sort of have a sad vibe now that it's past noon. Don't know why. It's a little before 2 p.m.
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something about a woman on a carousel (spelling?) with gold poles that are twisty and in a red sweater. maybe getting onto the back of another horse at some point to ride double.