patience

I saw the word patience today and I realized I need more of it.

Sigh. I've been really, really, patient. But I need to relearn it and start back, ground zero, as if no one has ever tried my patience constantly.

After being patient so long, it wears on you...and it's true that saying...you literally "run out of" patience. And then it's just shorter fuse for everything.

But I need to maybe do meditative thinking, roll back the pages of history, and start over with a new surplus of patience, as if nothing has ever happened.

I have felt patience is one thing I had an abundance of...there are many things that I lack, but I thought patience wasn't one of them. And really, it does take a lot to ruin my patience. It had to be something very very bad to cause me to react outwardly in any way, because I had this forebearance.

Then, after so many years, it was something that I had in good store which just ran out! Now, I have patience for children still, an abundance, but not for adults as much, especially in certain circumstances.

The trick is, maybe, to acknowledge some will purposefully "try" ones patience and to have gained wisdom about how to deal with this, but then, also, to take any and all damage done from this, and just roll it all up, all the way back, and start over new. I see it sort of like a very large scroll and it's come to the end of that scroll and I'm dropping off, or only rolling it back a month at most. But I think I have to roll it back to the beginning, and then imagine I am the same person now as I was then, with this reserve and control.
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At around 3 p.m. I started feeling the sad vibe. It wasn't me and I was chatting along and joking, but I sensed something. It's been off and on since then and now it's 4:25 p.m.
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listened to Blue Moon (old tradional song) and then Selena. "Dreaming of You".