I still want to know where Will is.
Separately, aside from this, I woke again, this time at 2:30 a.m. and couldn't sleep. The strong vibe wasn't really there but it was a little more heavy. But not bad at all.
I would also like to meet this man I saw by my law offices the other day, who walked around the corner.
I'm so tired. Today I'm just exhausted and I cried a little bit because I was tired. Not really, just tears for about 2 minutes.
I talked to some people who said there are different sleeping pills. Someone else mentioned Tibetan chants.
I don't want to take any medication. I feel this isn't just random insomnia, because usually I wake and then fall right back asleep. I feel there is something in it, or, to it, because it has happened one other time in my life and passed on its own.
I feel there is something to it. It's happening for a reason and is connected to something but I don't know what. But instead of just resting through the night, I think the next time I wake and see the time, I will pray. It's probably the best thing to do and I haven't tried it yet. I sort of feel like I'm with someone in spirit when it happens. I don't know if it's my son or someone else or just something else altogether. But I don't feel that's it's something to medicate but to acknowledge as significant in some way and to pray. I know sometimes true insomnia is from stress but this is different. I even went to a sleep clinic in town a few days ago and asked and they said I didn't have true insomnia. A few times I'll be in a rest state the rest of the night and other times I fall back asleep right away.
I've had people threaten or just harass me lately and I don't know why. My son is being affected by all of this. Then, I keep getting hackers or people who know who I am, showing up in chatrooms and saying stuff about "oliver" or a woman, about "miss saigon" and how it's noble for a parent to commit suicide to give their child a better life. I have so much pressure to leave my son and others trying to keep him from what he wants. Threatening me with medication when I don't have a mental illness, and if I do, it's stress related and would abate with the stress.
I don't understand why anyone would think it's in the best interests of ANYONE, to keep my son from me. It does absolutely no good, not for him, or me, or anyone at all. It's sort of pointless to say I'm nuts too. People can tell from my writing and talking to me in person, that I'm not. Too many people already know I'm not mentally ill. They know. So I don't know what the point is.
I am listening to "slave to love" again. I don't know, it's catchy. My favorite part of the video is the very beginning...let's see...oh, and I don't know who the statue at the end is supposed to be but I wonder. I want to find out. I don't know if the statue at the beginning is the one at the end? Anyway, the part I like in the video, is at 0:30 or so, when the music changes and the man rises from his chair to look out the window...I don't know why I like it but it fits the music in its own way and then it goes to the man in the plane which is descending. I like this piece and then the end, where the man is dancing with the little girl. It opens and ends with a statue of a woman. So I'm curious about who it is. I guess the ending woman is a live woman maybe. She sort of reminds me of the woman that's on the helm of ships. But the other one is different. I wish I knew what statue the first one is. It would be interesting.
I have a lot of people telling me to think positively. I do, and yet so many individuals have made it impossible for me to work or find housing here. So I try, and then I realize it's out of my hands. There is no way someone could try this many times and be at fault still. I was pretty much told I wouldn't be able to get ahead here. I'm still trying. But the honest truth? I don't know.
Maybe I should use more powerful thinking. I might give it a good try. Just an all-out very strong approach to praying and believing in faith. If it still doesn't work, then I'm no worse off if there's less time. I can still think of a few options.
I finally got off of "Slave to Love" and am onto Avalon. It's almost too smooth for me and I like the other one better. But I want to hear more of Ferry and see what he's got out there. I have never really loved this song. I like the other one much more--it's more interesting but Avalon is the one that must have received all the playtime bc I've heard this before but never Slave to Love. Hahaa! I like the video though...the part where the falcon comes to his hand and there is a minature falcon on the falcon's head. I think it's supposed to be serious but I laughed. I do like the woman's little dance in the hothouse cafe.
I guess I'll listen to my grade school fav: Eye of the Tiger. It is the only song I can remember from grade school, besides some patriotic songs like Yankee Doodle Dandy. If the teacher didn't play it, I requested it. The music teacher would look at me surprised. "Again?" I loved this song. What's hilarious is that I've never seen a Rocky movie all the way through. I think there is a meaning about what the eye of the tiger is...will have to look it up.
I do still sense some sort of positive undercurrent in the middle of all my current problems. It doesn't make sense, but I'm thankful it's there.
i should add, I've met some really nice and very interesting people online too. Some artists and just really seemingly sweet individuals. It's fun now and then. One guy who came in from CA told me it is really hard to break into the town. It took him many many years and he wasn't even able to date anyone from the area, but he has a lot going for him. He said unless you were born here and grew up here, it's going to be hard to make friends. I said, yeah, I wish I had at least one girlfriend with some things in common, here. My friends are in other states so it's been hard in that regard too.
One of my oldest and most dear friends sent me an invitation to a wine club on facebook recently. Wine keeps figuring in a little more lately. I am sort of a late bloomer on everything. I feel weird about facebook but I don't know why. I feel too shy which doesn't make sense because I can blog (which I don't believe I would do if I had my son with me again or was getting good visitation at the very least). But with facebook there would be so much keeping up to do and on a blog it's just a monologue or journal. I feel shy about facebook and myspace but it makes absolutely no sense, I know.
It's strange, I feel the strong positive energy now. I wrote about the eye of the tiger and from that point, or around the time I wrote this, I began to feel this. Still sort of a heaviness a little bit but something good too. It's weird, when I hear this song today, I feel like an clairaudience or whatever that's called...not that I actually "hear" anything, but some woman, cheering her head off. But I wonder if it's rocky's girlfriend or something and my subconcious remembers this part. But she keeps screaming cheering "yeah!!!" I must be remembering some scene from a clip I saw from Rocky. lol. I don't know.
I love this song. It makes me want to go to the shooting range. Lol. Here's a clip about the meaning, from someone else's blog. I couldn't find anything else as fast, about the meaning:
Why the title??
So to kick off... Why "Eye of the Tiger"?
"Eye of the Tiger" is THE song written by the early '80's rock group 'Survivor', and is unarguably the greatest inspirational rock anthem in existence. Yes, I put it above "We are the Champions" - it has more words, better music and just makes you want to jump back into the ring (just ask old man Dawson).
"Eye of the Tiger" was written as the theme sing for Rocky III (released in 1982) at the request of Sly Stallone himself. From www.songfacts.com
In the movie, Rocky Balboa is shown resting on his laurels, living the good life, doing American Express commercials and photo-ops and slacking off his training regimen. in stark contrast were scenes of the ominous Mr. T, training hard, sweating, bleeding and pouring out every last ounce of effort to become the boxing champion of the world. Rocky's trainer, played by Burgess Meredith, implores Rocky to get back "The Eye Of The Tiger," meaning his edge and his hunger to be the champ.
Apollo Creed also gets in on the action, once he's become Rocky's coach, after Mr T kills Mickey. Before his fight he tells reporters, Rocky has the 'eye of the tiger' back again, the same thing he saw in Rocky's eyes before his fight against him in Rocky II. Very inspirational stuff.
The song was #1 in 1982, won a Grammy award and was also nominated for an Oscar!
I think it is best left to one of its authors, Jim Peterik of Survivor to some it up:
"I guess if you want to analyze it, it would be an unbelievable, powerful beat which is so simple and primal. It's the reason marching bands still make formations to it, it's very simple. It's 2 and 4, that's it. Then you have the term 'Eye Of The Tiger' and the tiger imagery. It's a great image, it's a ferocious image. Then you have the very simple melody - the chorus is like 3 or 4 notes. I guess simplicity with a message people can relate to. It's all those things."
(from blog at: http://watchtheeyeofthetiger.blogspot.com/2005_11_01_archive.html)
I have to go back and finish my post on my son today...reminding myself.
I think this song "eye of the tiger" is meant for someone today. Not just for me. But I hope it is encouraging to some people. Keep faith and hope and don't give up or give in. I guess it's a good song for a lot of people, but I sense a very strong energy when I hear it. Maybe it's meant for a lot of people today...For those who are tired or have become complascent in comfort, turning a blind eye to injustice, or who feel like giving up or are directionless. Anyway, I find this song very inspirational and I hope others feel lifted up with it too. i think of it as an underdog song, but I guess it has a different meaning in the movie. At any rate, it's a good song for anyone to hear and be motivated by, I guess, if the motive is right.
It's 12:00 p.m. and I have sort of a bad vibe. Was positive 'til recently. 45 minutes later it's better, a little bit. I'm going from one Survivor song to the other. I forgot how many good songs they have--"Burning Heart" and "High On You". I really like the song "High On You". These guys have so much energy. Very high octane. This one would be so fun to hammer out on a guitar...If only I could play! lol. I love 80s rock. Hhahaaa. "didn't know it was love". Cracks me up because I really love this stuff and these hooks are very basic. I couldn't listen to this a million times, but I like it.
The vibe has been very positive ever since it sort of lifted. Good energy!