Thursday, January 27, 2011

This Morning

I don't know where to begin with writing today.

I don't know what to write because I feel someone is intruding upon my sacred space. I mean my space of prayer, to God, and talking to others about what they think or trying to reorder my steps or intentions.

That sounds really weird, but it's true.

I want to fast food, because I notice and feel the most power from this. But I'm too thin to do it right now. When I did this for a month or more, I almost didn't eat anything, and I never felt better. I know I am not supposed to fast food right now though.

I still think things are happening in my favor somehow. I don't know how, but somehow.

I wasn't going to say anything about a fast I tried to do and how I feel others may have tried to interfere, and I promised God I would not talk about what I was doing or why, but I feel that whoever is involved in this is not on God's side, even if they know things. Because if they were, they would not be sharing private prayers of devotion with other people or trying to affect these things. It is one thing to talk to other people about certain thoughts, but it's not okay to use someone's personal prayers for mind reading stuff and to play games. I don't like it and I don't think God does either.

I had decided last night that I might not wear make up today, as a fast and for my own humility, and knew it would be embarressing after and while writing about the books I was looking at while in the nuthouse.

I prayed for something important, some great wish, to be granted for doing this. My greatest wishes are always to have my son back, an investigation, my day in court and a normal job and my good name back.

I thought about this briefly last night and then this morning, and I went to the gym with a scarf over my head and no make up but was going to shower and then try to wear no make up. I prayed that even if I looked bad, I would know it is my heart and inner self that shines through, even in my ugliness. I even thought about how Alvaro was so horrible to me when I was in the hospital and not wearing make up and I put it on and oh, everything changes because I have on maskara. I don't care about Alvaro, but maybe I care about myself a little or my future.

Then I got out of the shower and the MEDIA was talking about "pajama jeans" (which is something I've been sleeping in, my jeans) and then how teen girls are wearing make up at younger and younger ages. I felt like someone had spilled the beans about my intent to God. And then it was on and on about "taboo" to wear make up young but no more, and how maskara was a big deal.

I sat there feeling like I didn't even want to do the fast anymore because someone was screwing with it. It made me feel like just "showing them" and putting on make up. But then I didn't. I also felt that this would be allowing someone else, humans, to interfere and try to mess with my own covenants with God. So I decided to put on a tiny bit of white cover up (under my eyes) but I didn't put anything else on. I didnt put on my maskara.

Then I walked out and some man who was prepared to sneer at me, did a double take. All of these double takes.

I then thought, "Maybe that was the point. Maybe someone WANTED me to jinx my own prayer and put on make up and listen to my pride rather than what I was trying to do."

And I am writing this because I think it is of the highest degree of lousiness that someone would do this and be so horrible as to try to relay to the MEDIA what I may or may not do, when especially it is related to personal prayers.

I don't really think I need to "surrender" to that. I feel I need prayer warrior back up to block others from doing this and to pray more myself.

I also do not think whoever is doing this is "blessed" but probably has a demonic kind of spirit and political agenda. I don't care what religion you are--if you are doing this kind of thing, you are not looking like a very good person to me.

I even think you could tread on someone's sexual life or other personal details and probably be fine. But when you tread on prayers and devotion, I don't think you are on very solid ground.

It says even Satan knows the name of Jesus and that his angels are afraid.

So whoever you are, or whatever group you are with, getting your little "message" to the media and having spies & snoops in a woman's homeless shelter, I hope that you get nothing you wanted and that any and all reward goes to me.

There have even been a couple at the YMCA. At least one, and it's just not pretty. I'm staring at "it".

What is the purpose of the media to be so involved in my life anyway, unless I really have more than enough worth and should be employed and not just messed with like this, for the enjoyment of others. No one would care what I do or did unless they were worried about something.
This morning I looked up "Our Game" on wiki and the "Royal Paramours" book. It wasn't the paramours book by Michael of Kent. It was one written by Dulcie M. Ashdown. I guess it was printed in 1986. The one I looked at was a hardback. I didn't read about any of the women though. Not really. Just looked at their photos or paintings. And then turned to this one who I read about but there wasn't a lot of info.

And then last night I had this weird impression of William of Wales. But I think it has to be someone who just "looks" like him. I had the impression while I was writing my blog last night, a look of leaning forward and reading something. But like a hand to the face but I'm not sure what the hand is doing...over the mouth? pinching his cheeks, or his chin? and I didn't see any glasses. But it was like he was looking at something online. I saw it as if I were the computer screen or on the other side of a two-way mirror. It really looked like him though. The expression was serious and focused.

Anyway, I've seen the same thing before and maybe it's just a photo someone else has or who knows. I've seen him do this more than once. And no, I am not nuts.

Last night there was a sermon by a guy who did a pretty good job. He reminded me of my brother. And then even though I had the headache and things going on, I started to notice, separately, the good energy vibe of someone or some people praying for me. And there is NO technology that matches it. It's not a "burning in the heart" feeling. It's soothing. Igt's totally different. I was wondering who it was.

And then too, lo and behold, guess who joined the nunnery? Princess Leah. I call this shelter the nunnery because it may as well be. Curfew at 6:30, chapel every evening, and obviously no one is having any sex. (it's not like the Portland, Oregon shelter I did volunteer work at, where some of the women were having their own kind of sex anyway and didn't care). I looked over to the side, earlier in the evening, and there she was. The same Princess Leah from the nuthouse. Sitting in the nunnery now. I think she's some kind of psychic in some way because of the way she was looking at cards when I was first going to play. I don't know what she was asking the question about, but I turned them over and later thought, "Who knows." But they were all clubs, spades, and hearts. I don't think there were any diamonds. So yeah, Carrie joined the crew.
I am trying to find the woman I read about. There was hardly anything about her. Anyway, she was torwards the middle or past the middle and there was a photo of her I think. She was supposed to be one of the favorites and so discreet no one had any idea for years to the point of questioning whether the King was homosexual. She was supposed to be very witty which was her draw I guess. She was married herself and had about 5 or more children of her own. Eventually they were caught it said and the wife cried (I think). I can't remember. I just read the blip. I almost want to say her name was Elizabeth but I am not sure. Now I'm curious though, so I kind of want to check back and look again. It didn't say this king had a lot of concurrent affairs, I think it was just the one. That's why they thought he was homo. Which doensn't make sense bc he had a wife but maybe they didn't spend a lot of time together. Maybe it wasn't Elizabeth. I'd have to check. It didn't say anyone was punished or sent to Towers or anything.

At any rate, I was curious about personality of the women, not what they were doing. But I only read about the one.

I also looked up the Spy novel by Carre and I am sure I'll go back to that one and read it again.
Thank goodness someone stopped torturing me again. I guess I said whatever they wanted.

I have no idea. But someone was doing the burning thing and I am really tired of all of it. Maybe you guys could practice your healing arts instead of this other crap.

The preacher last night talked about some missionaries that went to Ecuador and they were all killed, including this woman's husband. She and her son left and then they went back when the child was about 7 years old and the tribe that was an enemy all converted and then the woman ended up marrying the man who killed her husband (?!) and the boy agreed to be adopted by him. It was after a major conversion though.
This ENTIRE morning was hell with torture and it just quit. And the sun is coming out.

All night last night, with headache that was not natural at all. It was more like something was causing my headache. Then today in the shower or while walking no problem. I went to the sauna and no problem. Then this woman came in. I started having the headache again. So I moved. I moved so that my head was next to her head and my feet facing the direction of her feet. It stopped immediately. The last time that nurse was in the sauna, I started getting the headache where I hadn't had one before either.

So I thought it was sort of strange that the headache quit.

I am now having this jabbing thing happen a lot. Not the burning, the jabbing, which I know just started because probably, I began writing about this.

The other thing was that I had no headache but then she got up and left and when she did, I noticed this shift and I felt a couple of pains. It was odd. I then had it on that side of the bench. So I sat up to the middle and just sat there and it quit.
At any rate, I didn't have the tightening of the chest yesterday, or last night, but this other headache stuff which wasn't natural and I knew it.
The other thing, was on a psychic note but protecting the person...

There is one woman who I know is very psychic but acts sort of nutty. I have never said anything about her. But last night it was funny because I started at her while her eyes were closed.

The minute I started looking at her, suddenly her eyelids changed from calm and smooth to REM movements underneath, back and forth, like she was thinking.

So I looked away.

Then I looked at her again. Eyelids were calm and not moving. But as soon as I stared, her eyelids were moving, like her eyes under the surface.

I repeated it several times and then instead of staring at her and looking away I just kept staring. She opened her eyes and looked at me.

Then I looked away.

She is one who, once, when I was thinking about her, I said something to her in my thoughts and she turned and stared at me, almost afraid. It was like she had read what I said to her, or knew I was thinking about her.
I am going to the museum now.

I think someone was trying to win some kind of bet and they won so they feel self-satisfied and don't feel they need to torture me now. I don't know what it was.
I had to rest today because my energy level was so low after all the drama and the medication and torture.

But despite all of this I am starting to feel a little bit better and I have to get out of here.

I had a bean and cheese burrito this morning, with a jar of green olives, and an apple. It was a strange breakfast but I needed more than yoghurt today.

I bought Kashi dinners for lunch and cheese and tomato and some other things.
I asked God what he was going to do with me, or what he thought, and this is where I think all these questions and random finds are with a grain of salt because I opened to Isaiah 45:5, at

"...I will strengthen you,,
though you have not acknowledged me,
so that from the rising of the sun
to the place of its settingmen may know there is none besides me.
I am the Lord, and there is no other."

I had to ask, how have I not acknowledged God? but as for the strength part, I guess some of my energy came back.

Then I got the passage about Jesus also being able to heal a man who was possessed by the devil or spirits. From Luke. It would be great if someone else were delivered in their own way I guess.

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