I got up at 5:30 and wasn't at the gym until 7 and I feel like I waste so much time. I prefer to get up around 4 or 4:30 a.m. and then be at the gym and out and have the rest of the day ahead. I was doing this on a regular basis but this last week, I guess with the increase in levels of torture (and I am not kidding), I needed more sleep. It still is not as bad as it was in Wenatchee, when it was truly every single day. I started thinking I was going to die again.
At the Y they have little slips of paper with scriptures on them. I never picked them up until yesterday when I got "for all have fallen short of the glory of God." Then last night the whole sermon was about Psalm 23 and the shepherd and sheep and this morning the verse is:
"For he is our God and we are the people of his pasture, the flock under his care." Psalm 95:7a
I checked with the woman at the counter and she said, yeah, they were all random. And they are. I just ended up with this one. I got something about shepherds and sheep myself last night, from the Bible, but didn't share it with anyone. It was from Amos.
Last night in chapel again, someone did something to the back of my head again. I had been singing and trying to worship and then quit after someone did this. They only did it a couple times but if you were looking at my head from the back it would have been on the right side halfway down.
I do not know who is getting away with this kind of thing.
Not last night, but the night before, I cried silently before I fell asleep. I don't usually do this but I couldn't help it.
Yesterday I looked up news but couldn't get to CNN so just looked up BBC and then decided to look up a couple of royal clips.
I saw the Queen in photo with a hat pillbox style (or I don't know what style that is...russian? just round and flat on top) and sort of looked like the same kind of fur that's on my coat.
I was thinking about writing something about fur. My philosophy is that if it's already been killed (the animal) or it's vintage, it's okay. Because otherwise it's a waste not to use something that could be used for warmth. But I think it's really sad when animals are in cages for the purpose of growing fur. I just thought I would write that because I was thinking about my wearing fur and thought it might be good to write something. I thought yesterday, "I'm eating vegetarian but wearing fur." ?
I just saw this news clip that was actually funny, and it talks about how maybe the star signs are "wrong". It made me laugh out loud. They were saying the astrologers have made a consensus that the old formulas are supposedly better than the new ones, which puts everyone back (I think) to the sign before the one you think it is. Not sure, I'll read more, but it was a short, well-written humorous story. I don't know what other sign that would make me, because I'm not into horoscopes or signs that much. I know that I'm a libra and what it stands for and that's about it. If you told me your birth month I couldn't even tell you what sign you are. I just don't follow it. But I still think it's funny. I have always felt that for all the signs, this one fits me best.
When I was crying the other night, about my son and the fact that no lawyer is helping me, through all of this, and no one from the FBI or anyone yet, I prayed to God, "I wish you would just send another earthquake, or one that comes from the soil, something that causes the ground to come up."
And then the next day or after, I saw Brazil was having mudslides. I have nothing against Brazil and I don't think it has anything to do with my prayer either. I pictured the ground coming up underneath a water source. Like the ocean. I didn't have anything in mind at all and thought the ocean so it wasn't around land but would be noticed on the ocean floor somehow.
That's not exactly what I envisoned and I didn't have any country in mind either. I just cried out to God like anyone would. I didn't focus on it, I just asked quickly while I was crying, because I feel that no matter what I do, no one is doing anything about this situation with my son, which is something that could be fixed.
Last night I turned to Job. That's what I got for me, and for the first time, I noticed what it was about in this one section I hadn't paid attention to before. I've read Job a lot. I like this book and first read it over and over after I broke my neck in a car accident in 1995. I laid in bed, in a neck brace, and read Job. I read it and then I started over and read it again. And again. And it's all I read.
But last night I opened up to this part of Job 17 where Job is crying out to God about being alienated and abandoned by all men and friends and no one coming to help. About being mocked and how upright men are appalled but nothing is done. Then at ch. 18, Bildad the Shuhite (remind to scratch this name off of the baby name list), replies, "When will you end these speeches? be sensible, and then we can talk. Why are we regarded as cattle and considered stupid in your sight? You who tear yourself to pieces in your anger, is the earth to be abandoned for YOUR sake? or must the rocks be moved from their place?"
And this was the first time I thought, how do I ever relate to this.
I am crying out for only what is just and right--My son and freedom to live without torture and I have people like Bildad telling me the earth does not revolve around me and will it be moved for me?
But I know, in my heart, like Job does, I know that I am being wronged and I feel I know that God cares.
I have even questioned myself lately, thinking and wondering if I am wrong to make so much about my son and myself, when other people are dying and other families are hurt or suffering in different parts of the world. I have said to God, "you know that we are innocent." I have thought, I can help other people better if my own son and I are safe. But I have questioned myself even in the middle of suffering that is unimaginable to most people in the U.S. You don't expect this kind of thing to happen here or be allowed to continue.
So when I got to this part of Job, I thought, maybe it IS okay. Maybe if Job can make so much of his suffering and not deny God, it is also okay for me to do this. Maybe the person who God doesn't approve of is Bildad the Shumalite. In the sense that I am not leaving God's side, or will not move from my fast or from my son, Job also didn't move. His friends said, instead of complaining and festering, just "curse God and die." Move on, essentially. But Job refused to move on and I don't know that my outcome will be like Job's, but I at least had some kind of enlightenment in a part of Job that I haven't had beofre, and it was comforting.
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I looked at the star sign thing. Instead of Libra I'd be a Virgo. Which means Virgin. Second chances for everything it seems.
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I looked up earthquakes out of curiosity to see if there was anything on the ocean floor but I don't know. I see a report of a 7 earthquake near The Loyalty Islands which was maybe from the ocean floor. I really have no idea and only God or the seismologists know.
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Very strange about the signs though. I read about the Virgin, from just one site, and it's strange to read, when you have always read the other one about yourself. I think you could go either way, with either sign or reading maybe. I was looking up my family and it would make my Dad a Libra. The scales. Which would realy fit him as he is very balanced or diplomatic. It would also make (I checked) Princess Diana a "twin" and this is strange because I got "he has a twin sister" for Earl of Spence & Pence, aka Charles her brother. I thought it would have more to do with a possible twin in gestation or secret twin of some kind. Who knows. How random if it was just another symbol for Diana. I really think Libra fits me but I looked up Virgo and it actually fits me too, on the more internal or introverted side of myself. But I don't know, just read something from www.astrology-insight.com/virgo.htm
I don't think this site is the best though, looking for other. Wait, the shift creates a new sign? so 13 instead of 12? That's what it says.
I was just looking up corresponding 12 tribes but 13 would throw that off. I think it really doesn't matter.
I sort of also wonder if the timing of a new zodiac is at all political. Hmmmm.
I mean, if someone out there really subscribes to this and makes major life choices off of it, then would a shift line something up better for them...
So I just read the "new" sign which is the old sign, is "the snake holder".
I think something is sort of political though. As soon as I wrote that too, someone tried to do one of their voodoo tricks so I know I'm right. No one bothers to attack with bad forces unless they feel threatened in some way. So I think something is up, for some reason. I don't know what, but something is up.
However, all that said, I really think probably it's either-or, and everyone has traits from all the signs anyway. I find it really interesting but I don't base my decisions on it. For example, I have looked up boyfriends and family signs, for fun, and read things, but I have never thought, "Oh no, I can't date HIM because he is ____ and we would be doomed from the start." I do think there is something to it though, that doesn't have to be bad at all, and can even include God and why not if he created all the stars and earth? I'm not anti-stars and I also don't base my decisions on star stuff or follow it on a daily basis...Who knows, it's not a bad thing, if it's changed. I don't mind, one way or the other
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Oh, one thing that happened yesterday that was sort of fun was this spy and switch thing. I came out of the bank and this man was standing there and went across the street with me and his voice was exactly like Rick Bakens (former FBI guy). We started walking into this alley together and I said, "Do you know if there is an outlet or a way out at the end here?" (because I didn't know if it was a dead end or there was a street at the end. I said, "I've never taken this road before" or something like that. He said, "I don't know. I just got into town." I said, "Me too." He said, "What brought you to Nashville?" and I said, "I don't know--the gym?" and joked that I had to come all the way from Washington state to TN just to become a YMCA gym enthusiast. He said he was there to pick up some things for his family and then I said, as he was walking next to me, "What kind of work do you..." and I turned to look at him and it was another man!!! A totally different man. And then I turned all the way around and it was all black coats behind me and like something from a movie. I said to the other man, "Oh, you're not the guy I thought you were..." and this other one had completely disappeared into thin air. The new one was grinning. I then said something which I later thought sounded like something my son would say, "Are you guys spies or something?"
Are you guys spies..or something?
Whatever they did, they knew what they were doing and they were really good. I couldn't tell if he had ducked into a corner or if he'd turned around...he was just gone. He didn't look like Baken exactly, but he really had this voice that was like his voice. Not just his tone, but inflection and pace of speaking.
I happen to be across from Kelly Ripa (on t.v.) who earlier said something about the signs. She said, "I'm a virgin? I don't know...that doesn't right." and I laughed.
I looked up some of the wiki stuff on virgo and I like the part about being identified with justice and rightful indignation. I guess that would tie in with what I read about Job, who was right or "okay" in God's eyes, with being indignant or upset.
I wonder what the snake holder's sign would look like. I don't think anyone came up with one yet.
And then I found it. I found it on wiki--someone updated it and added the sign. I like the sign, it's the staff with the snake around it, basically. I used to have a thing for this symbol...what it represents and the healing..."If I be lifted up I will draw all men unto me."
I had to look up too, because someone started talking about the book The Little Prince. I referred to it, to someone once. Now that I hear about it it makes me think about my son. Such a different light. It was before he was born that I first had this idea to remark on it in an email to someone. And then this other woman talked about This Present Darkness and I was just looking at this title in the library the other day. I took it out, thinking I might read it again and then put it back. It's about angels and the spiritual realm and putting that realm into a more "visible" idea. the other one is by C.S. Lewis, "A Grief" which is actually one book that I haven't read before. I've read most of his books. And then there was one about 5 loves which I've never read. The main one I like is This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti. It's really good. She was talking about how even the angels are strengthened by/with our prayers. I haven't read The Little Prince in a long time. If I read it now it would be with a different understanding and thinking of my son.
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Also, someone was doing the burning thing (tech) at the Y for a short time but then it quit. So I'm glad about this. I moved to a different table and everything is better. I don't know that this is what did it but it stopped.
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I looked up This Present Darkness and it's strange to read that I read this before some of the same kinds of things happened in my own life. I can't believe it was published in 1986. It feels like yesterday. I must have read following editions or discovered it later. I also read Piercing The Darkness, the sequel. They're based on the idea of scripture Ephesians 6:12.
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places"
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In some ways, I am fortunate enough to have learned more about these things later in life. I always believed and knew intellectually but didn't see the magnitude of what was out there and possible, until I guess I became more of a threat or target.
What I believe, is in spiritual forces of evil which then compel others to use real technology as forces for evil. They are related.
There are some who work in ways to use forces for psychic trip-ups, spells (literally), voodoo work and even kaballah I fault. Jewish prayer and devotion is one thing but getting into ritualistic mysticism and employing voodoo-like techniques, is contrary to what even better Jewish scholars or rabbis agree with.
I think there is time and place for signs and prayer for miracles and things that look like magic but are real, but devoting to this is the wrong emphasis. I also know that I have had powerful workers of magic try out things on me or people I know and I've seen it, so I am much more aware of some of the crazy things that can be done or made to look like "it's supposed to be". Which is where the spiritual forces come into play and why I always hope to have discernment in knowing what is good or bad.
And too, I do agree with natural human giftings, as I've said, and these are things that are not controlled or being controlled intentionally by people, but are just gifts from God, in intuition or other things, and I believe God gives these kinds of gifts to people all over the world in every culture and race. I think it's harder for some societies to accept or understand this. I mean, no one should be persecuted for being a witch or doing something bad when they simply have some kind of gift from God that they are not even trying to use for ill will, or discover they have later and had no idea.
Overall, I know the difference, or have learned the distinction between military technology and psychic work. I've had people combine the two, against me and my son. All use has been immoral.
With "signs" I fall into middle ground. I take some things as "signs" but with caution. And then in the Bible there are times where people are admonished for being into "signs" and how this is wrong, and the emphasis is wrong. Then at other times, God instructs someone to "put out a fleece" or "Ask God for a sign" and at one point, the person refuses to ask God for a sign so one is given to them instead and they were wrong to not ask God for a sign when that's what God wanted and asked them to look for.
My main concern is interpretation of signs and discerning whether someone is trying to tamper with what God wants to reveal. Because I have learned, groups can use their own kind of signs to try to cover up or cover over what sign(s) or direction God might actually have.
And sometimes the signs used to mask what God wants, are very powerful and impressive.
Sometimes, even with all of the impressive signs, I have to focus on what the reality is. Is it in front of me, can I see it, does it confirm with my spirit and is it confirming with the other people involved? or, other times, receiving a sign that is impressive can really be something impressive and leading to something beyond expectations. In that case, having faith and believing and waiting or trusting while trying to sort out the practical realities in the present-time.
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I did my Obama duty by looking up Michelle today.
I have to erase that. There was a section on health but I decided to erase my comments. I was thinking about it from a medical standpoint but I think it puts the wrong idea across.
I also noticed some asshole of a Dad coming in and I intuitively knew what he was doing. If you are not intuitive or psychic at all, you wouldn't think anything. But this guy was using his infant daughter and forcing her to eat a banana in front of me and making it into an almost sexual thing. It wasn't cool. And I think that anyone who does this is sick in the head. And no, most people would think nothing of it, but I knew what his intention was when he sat in front of me and what idea he was trying to convey and the man was sick. I picked up on that much.
I will comment on fertility though...
The guy was saying to eliminate gluten to improve fertility. Maybe this is true because the women in my family are highly fertile and have babies on command basically, and none of us are really into a ton of carbs. Not because we diet, but we don't load up on bread and pasta and stuff. Before I was vegetarian, I ate mainly fruits, veggies, and meat and fish and dairy. Very little carbs unless oatmeal. I didn't have any kids until I was 31 because I was waiting to be married and celibate 95% of that time. I think the pill screws with women's fertility and systems even though a lot of doctors and women's groups might hate me for saying that. I think they want every woman on the pill but I think if you look at the increase in fertility problems, you can also look at the pill as a problem. Especially over extended use. Kill the bc-pill.
Now that I am not allowing myself to eat meat or fish it's sort of harder to keep my weight up but that's where I guess I have to eat more seeds and nuts and high fat stuff.
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