Dream About Naked & Prince Harry (& Bow & Arrows)

I have decided something this morning. What book I am writing first.

I feel so tired of so many things, even reading about Diana, and hearing all these allusions about her from others & comparisons. I don't know if it's a compliment or a kind of parody half the time. Someone says, "I did it from the heart and not the head" and I wonder if they are laughing at me or nodding with me.

I don't know. My life has been SO so strange.

And then I had a glass of wine last night and fell into talking about that family or Diana and puzzling things out, and then I had another dream last night and that was sort of it.

If I do nothing with this reading I've done, it's a waste. I need to continue, and write a book. No, not investigate her "case" because that's too dangerous. But I need to write the book that I want to write and get it out even if I feel tired of it.

I had a dream last night which was just another saturation dream. It had Harry in it but no one else, and he was wearing his mother's colors of red and white.

In the first part of the dream, it was one of those "I forgot to wear clothes out in public" dreams. I was totally exposed and naked, in front of all these people. It was like a little Woodstock type town. Yuppie-hippie. Bohemian. I was with a group and then I left to go across the street. I sat down at a cafe for coffee, and I walked across the street and sat down at a table without a stitch, like I was at a nudist colony and no one cared. I walked back and forth and then at some point, I was kind of covered, but my legs were out in the open and this woman came over, a young woman with her friends to say I couldn't do that. I apologized to them for offending them if I had and then the owner came over and did the same. At some point, the owner told me to leave, and he leaned over and he was Native American with all this Native beadwork and yuppie plastic cats eye transluscent brown glasses with a bead string around his neck and earrings and told me I was "too Native". He said this place wasn't an indian reservation or something like that and it wasn't a place for Natives. He was sort of a sell-out of some type. So I was asked to leave and as I did, I ran into another woman who was older than me but attractive. Sort of looked like an Elizabeth (Queen) but in plainsclothes and how she looked in the 50s. It didn't seem to be her though, but she was trying to hide from me but was watching me. I came alongside her and she said to me, finally abandoning an attempt to hide, she said, "I'm not liked very much" and I took her arm and said, "Well then we should get to know eachother!" and she and I were talking and I had one arm loosely around her shoulders and she was talking in my ear when I looked up and across the street and on the other was that same old group, but there was someone else there and it was Harry. He wasn't even hiding but in bright red and white shirt. He was both embarrassed of me and shaking his head, feeling I was impossible to approve and then he was also shocked to see me with this woman looking the same way he remembered his mother did. The woman and I were laughing at something and when he saw I had seen him, he got on the phone and tried to go into the background. Sort of like "Send chopper fast". I woke up.

I woke up and thought, "Another Di dream". And I began to feel peeved about pointed seeming parodies or "coincidences" from others. I decided if I don't write a book about her, it is just a waste. I want to write the one about how she was unfairly persecuted by alleged insults of "mental illness" and what the actual truth probably was. I still want to write that one.

Then, in my minds-eye, I saw the car that went before me, to the Canadian border when I tried to leave the states with my son in the car, the car that had the sticker from South Wales. The only one on the road, which I followed for the longest time, across the border.

I just decided, I have to write this. I have to start research and not simple skimming and put my mind to it. There is some reason I am supposed to do it. It's not like investigating the case. It's just a biographical profile really.

I need to see if the Wenatchee library will forgive my book debt though. I can't repay it and I lost all those library books in Canada when my car was confiscated or I was forced to abandon it. It had a lot of books from the library in it, which I'd planned to return. The library here refuses to let me borrow books because of this debt. I feel someone else who was responsible for my being arrested there, when I'd done nothing wrong, should pay it off. Or it should just be forgiven because I'm sure there was more than one individual in charge of what happened which caused this to begin with. I can't borrow books until I'm cleared.

I can't do the right kind of research if I can't make book requests.

It may seem odd that I am thinking of writing this book about Di when I'm still under fire myself for possible mental illness, but it would be a tribute to the defense of those who are ill and their right to dignity and also to the improper uses of a disability against a person by trying to prejudice a person with it, or discredit them.

I want to write a funny book and a children's book, but I may as well learn and then get some of this knowledge of Di out of my head into a book form. Then, I can put what I know, to rest.
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On another note, I listened to classical music last night before I went to bed and heard a couple of songs I liked:

1. Scarlatti's Sonata K. 547 in G Major. I really love this one.
2. Peer Gynt's Morning
3. Stius Muller's Antillean Dances No. 15/George/Waltz; Antillean Dances, Op. 4
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I think my life may become more ordinary and boring. I sort of feel that I am going to get what I want; a normal life and then might be sort of bored with it. If that is best for my son, that's okay with me. Even if I end up in Wenatchee indefinitely.

I feel a sense of strength lately,still, even if it sort of drained when I wrote this, and brought back a slight sadness.

I'm not putting writing a book first, above all the other practical things I'm trying to accomplish now, but it is something I'll do.
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One thing is, I was saying to someone last night, I don't think anyone knows what Di was actually diagnosed with. If they do, it's been a well kept secret. I've seen people guessing, but even a formal diagnosis wouldn't mean it's right. Di felt she didn't have whatever it was they diagnosed her with. If I were going to guess, from the small bit I've read about her, she had an Identity crisis with her changing role and sudden fame, and then PTSD from the attention and pressures of the papparazzi and others. I think those things drove her bulimia and self harming. Self harming isn't significant, in my mind. It's very common, for people who wouldn't hurt another person but who have so much anguish or tension they don't know what to do than to take it out on themselves. I think she went through this during a shock phase and then adjusted. She probably had a couple moments of adjustment shock. I do not believe she was paranoid, in the least. Not in a clinical, organic sense. The fact that she didn't totally break down is amazing. Most people would. I also think she had her periods of depression or anxiety but that almost everything she experienced, was due to her circumstances. I don't believe she any kind of major personality disorder or organic illness. Of course, I'll have to read as much as I can and come to better conclusions.

Also, I've read Di's comment to Tiggy, about losing the baby, and how people were horrified she said it and suggested she'd lost it and that it wasn't true, but while I think it was mean, there were probably other pressures and no one knows what kinds of looks or smirks were exchanged by Tiggy or anyone else or what kind of information she was fed, Di that is. In fact, I'm actually inclined to believe it was true. It wouldn't be the first time, probably, someone close to an heir, lost a child. It's not something I'd speculate about in a book, but I think sometimes it is the truth, that is most offensive. Someone pointed Di in the wrong direction to goad her on, or it was true. I can't imagine she would make such a comment, unless she felt it carried weight. And Di wasn't wrong about Camilla. People all said she was nuts and tried to cause her to doubt herself until the actual evidence was out and couldn't be disputed. Could have been her instincts were right-on about Tiggy and that this was why Camilla didn't care for her much either. Tolerated maybe, but Tiggy was probably a threat. Tiggy was becoming a people's princess by her publicity of being hands-on with the boys and then she had that hunter's streak which I guess Charles would have liked. And she had enormous breasts, which I'm sure, didn't go unnoticed by Charles, who is supposedly enamored of large buxom women. Pretty face too. Sure, sure...servant and friend no more? She's "married" (like that stopped anyone royal in the past). I don't think it was paranoid in the least that Di was suspicious. It may be totally untrue and Tiggy seemed very likeable and I would want her for a nanny too. However...I don't think Diana was usually that far off of the mark. The woman was a bloodhound. She had uncanny instincts. What was wrong, was not that it was true or false, but simply imprudent and Di was turning into this "loose cannon" (what would she say or expose next?). And yes, it was horrible, a horrible thing to say, but again, I don't think she had a plain mean streak. She was egged on in some way. That's my idea. But it's a tentative one and I'm known to change my mind. I like to look at ALL of the facts before getting to a firm conclusion or even sort-of decided conclusion. I tend to think too, that if she lost a baby, it was miscarriage and possibly not abortion. Don't know though. Just a gutless hunch.
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Oh, I forgot. I had this image of a man with a bow and arrow, a whole quiver of them, but very long arrows, last night after listening to classical and just before I fell asleep. I couldn't see the face of the man. I don't know where it was. First I saw the arrow and then the thing for shooting arrows and the things with more arrows. No vibe one way or another. Sort of like a hobby thing. But what was strange is that I had not seen or read anything at all to do with arrows and bows. Not at all. But, at sometime after 12 midnight, right before falling fast asleep, I saw this. It was up close against his face but I couldn't see a face.