Totally Depressed Tonight

I am totally depressed tonight. I called my family and told my Dad for all I knew, I might have people that wanted to kill me. He said, "How will blogging keep you from getting killed?" and then this was no reassurance of course. I told him I have been made to feel afraid so I don't know what else to do. He denies everything I wrote and said I was paranoid but that he didn't think I should be on medications and he didn't think I had the illnesses the state says I have. I told my Dad I sometimes wonder if he IS CIA or was, because he can say anything and I would practically believe it.

I was asking someone else about helping me with an independent evaluation, but haven't heard back yet, and then my Dad told me to let the state or my attorney know, that HE wanted to take a look at it.

So, I'm supposed to have my lawyer or the state fax or scan and then email a copy over ASAP. I told my Dad I was being forced to take "mental disability" and cancel out my unemployment and that they want me to have a head exam and then were already talking about making me get "medicated" or lose my son for non-compliance.

I wonder if, even if my Dad says I'm paranoid, he's realizing something isn't adding up right. I want my parents and family on my side, and I don't know why they fight me and think it's good. There are a bunch of people who are NOT on my family's side, of any kind. I may blab shit, but I actually LOVE my family. I care and I check up on my parents all the time. I want my family to realize they are not always given the correct "scoop" on the details.

I also feel horrible, HORRIBLE, because then my Dad said he did understand suffering or physical pain when I was justifying why I haven't been able to get on my feet with so many car accidents and physical injuries. So I said none of them understood because no one in my immediate family has had to deal with it. So my Dad said this wasn't true and that I didn't know about everything. I said, like what and it's not relevant for adult injury set-backs, but then I found out his entire family was almost killed and he almost died in a car crash when he was 4. Some guy rammed into the back of their car so hard, it injured all of them, and both my Dad and his brother were almost killed when they were thrown out. Howard landed on the road and was then nearly run over and then the car flipped and went down a bank, and he was thrown out onto the grass.

I feel more depressed because now I wonder...well, I just wonder about everything now.

Yeah, basically, who is trying to kill off the Howard-Garrett's for the most part.

They are a really, really, good family, and yet so many of them were pushed down, drugged down with meds and Agent Orange, or, for the most part, simply killed off or nearly killed in "accidents". Which, mainly do not look like real "accidents".

I swear someone must have thought we were related to the Ed Howard guy. I don't know. None of it makes sense to me.

I just have that heavy, sad, vibe. All day today I felt strong for whatever reason and then tonight, no. For the last 2 hours I sense something isn't right. But I called everyone. I talked to my Dad, and I think he's okay though might be better, so I don't know, and then I called people I've been aquainted with in the past and no, not them, and then I called for Oliver, or to see how he was doing. I miss him, and I guess when my cousin arrived from out of town to play with him, he wanted to eat. He didn't like what she offered though, so he didn't. I told her he might be unconsciously wanting to eat because he always did when we sat down to play and he might think she was visiting with him in the same way, or it stimulated his appetite. He'd had a little dinner but wanted to eat when she sat down to play with him. So since he's so thin right now, I asked her if she might find something he WOULD like to eat, and offer a few things, so he will put on some weight. If he wants to eat, could she just find something he might like? And she said she would. He's probably glad she's there because he liked her in the past and she spent some time with him. He liked Ivory better than Dahlia. I was also happy to hear that Ivory is studying music and might go to University now that she's finished with her beauty school. I was so glad to hear this because she has brains and should get better pay while she's doing something rewarding, though I think it's great to have a trade skill.
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I started feeling a little bit better about 10 minutes after I wrote the last, so I think someone is praying for me. It has to be it.
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the other thing I wonder, is why this one woman was so weird, pushing the twin stroller without kids in it, in front of the Post Pub when I was trying to walk in. She was waiting for me and I'd seen her around the house on 14th. How did SHE know, before anyone else did, that I was carrying twins? Who saw this, and yet did nothing about it?

There is no way that woman should have known I was carrying twins. I had gone into the hospital and had an ultrasound by that point that I saw her, from what I recall, and the heartbeat was found, but no one told me about the other one in my ovary. Yet this woman who was following me around and didn't seem to like me, made a point of standing in front of the doorway with a black stroller for twins, side by side. She was laughing, and staring at me. Then she just left, like that.

Why do people on the East not question me? I guess it's not the East in general, but the D.C. area. I guess they believe almost anything because they've seen everything and know the possibilities. I have such a hard time getting through, at all, in this area.
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I called my ex tonight, wondering if there was something wrong, but no, he was fine. It was fine but he sounded more happy than sad for me that I wasn't given increased visitation with my son. It was the only thing that stood out to me. I don't know why he would laugh or sound happy about it. I told him some people over here acted mad that I didn't marry him. He said, mmm-hmm. He tried to tell me the other night that wasn't "anyone" but he's already confessed. He tried to give me "un besito" but I said, "No, tu tienes un amor por tu vida y es no mi y tu tienes un novia tambien." Then he said, "Tengo NADA a este momento." Like, for those exact five minutes. I already heard him admit everything. It can't be taken back. How am I supposed to marry someone I can't trust fully? If he is serious about writing a statement for me, he will. He sounded sincere about whether there was a "problem" and he wanted to know if there was and sounded like he would try to help but I was upset that he laughed that I didn't have increased visitation. Maybe some people want to punish me for not getting married so his daughter could move over to the US. Maybe it's that since I didn't do this, they want to be sure I don't have MY son. I would have, but just like I wasn't wrong about the fling with Mykal, the housemate, and wasn't "psychotic" then, I'm not deluded now, to think he would be faithful to me and I have to think about my son and what impact another person would have in his life. I may never get married, but I will always be a mother. He has a better personality and sense of humor than most I date and we have many shared interests, but I have friendship for him and not more.

It seems strange though, that my case with my son is always going well if I'm with my ex or might be getting back together. It's like, things were postponed and delayed but I started getting pressure, not from Alvaro, but people in WENATCHEE, to marry him. And housing withheld from me, unless I had a co-signer, etc, when the rent was month-to-month and risk=free, being paid for in full by the state. It just seems odd to me. People don't always know the whole story, anymore than I do, but it seems strange. I know people liked him of course, and maybe feel I'd done something wrong to him, but in my opinion, the decision was mutual. It's a 2-way street and he had as much to do with separating as I did. Sometimes, I think he really loved me. I even have a flash now and then, of something good about him that I don't imagine, it just comes to me.

People sometimes want me to be a sacrificial lamb, I think, and don't even care at all about the impact on my life or my son's life. Anne and my PD and the Judge were totally against me in court. It went from giving me a chance to wanting to railroad me again. I have the strangest feeling sometimes that it has to do with my not marrying him. I could be wrong, but whenever it looks like we might get together, people back off of me and start acting in a slightly more fair manner. But if I decide no, it's thrown back at me.

I don't think my Dad knows, really, what I've been through. I think he understands a lot more than I used to think, but he doesn't really know.

I don't want to be a lawyer. I don't want to fight. If I have to fight for my son I will, but I don't want to be a lawyer. I just want my son. I'm sorry I can't marry my Ex, but how could I after confirmation of what I already knew somehow. He and I had a deal and part of that deal, in our relationship, was that he didn't cheat on me while he was with me or at least told me if he wanted to. I feel very very badly for his position as well, with his daughter elsewhere, but he finds girlfriends with no problem and there are a lot of women who would like to marry him. Maybe they just aren't down for being a mistress with the paramour on the side and girlfriends too. I could have handled the paramour from the past, in the past, but not ALL of the different stuff.