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Some bizarre things happened again. For all my "delusion", I certaintly should be signed up (or already have been without my knowledge) for some kind of psychic study. I have this Krebs woman writing me up, but yesterday was largely another confirming day that I have some kind of "gift". I "knew" some things intuitively that I should not have known.
One incidence was funny. I was talking to this man whom I went to dinner with and for some reason, I never eat this, but I saw a hamburger with mushrooms and swiss cheese. I told him, because it was right after telling him I liked McDs every now and then. But then this mushroom burger came to mind. Well, he told me that McDs had this kind of burger and it was the only kind he ordered and this burger had popped into his mind before it popped into my mind.
I read his mind.
My song for the day is "Can You Read My Mind" by the Killers. Then "Human" again.
Having said that, which is admission of something I think I've done in the past, did I KNOW, at the TIME, that I had picked up on his thoughts? No, I didn't. I just didn't know why in the world I saw a mushroom burger when I don't eat them. Or see them. I mean, no one had had one in the recent past where I'd remember it.
It isn't the only time this happened yesterday, that's what's strange, and I'm realizing, this may be happening all the time, and images I see may be thoughts from someone else or events I'm picking up, and yet I do NOT even KNOW it. I wouldn't, unless someone explained it to me.
What I'm realizing, is that I cannot have my brain medicated with psychotropic drugs, or drugs of any kind. It would alter something that is god-given which is not delusion. It is real. I can't harness it and I can't explain it, and I'm not like those psychic detectives, but there is something real about it and I wouldn't make it up. I asked this man, too, over and over, because I didn't want him to lie to me and be pulling my leg. He wasn't. He had no reason to lie, and later when I "tried" to "read his mind" or events from his past, I was unsuccessful. I couldn't do it. It happens without my say-so and I can't control it.
The other thing that happened yesterday was uncanny. I "knew" I had a UA today, when I had absolutely zero way of knowing. This is the second time this has happened, in 3 weeks. I walked over to the clinic without FIRST calling to see if I had one, knowing somehow, intuitively, that I had one.
No one shared information with me. There is no calendar. They are totally random UAs and not scheduled ahead of time. At least, the information isn't given to me. I have to call ahead of time, and call in EVERY SINGLE DAY to see if I have a UA scheduled. In the last few weeks, out of all those days, I only had 2 UAs scheduled. And for both of those days, I "knew" ahead of time, and I did NOT CALL first, and instead walked right over to give a sample. The UA lady knows. It is the only time I've even gone to the center at all, is only on the exact days I had a UA and yet I shouldn't have known this.
So, I called in for maybe 15 days but on the days I had a UA scheduled, I didn't call first. I just walked in.
It would look like someone was tipping me off, but no one was. And I didn't just walk there with no impression in mind, or randomly. I had a feeling or knew already, one was scheduled, but why, I don't know. Someone was maybe sending me a message.
When I got there, yesterday, a woman who is a counselor for another place said I shouldn't be medicated. She said I needed a new psychological evaluation and that I shouldn't be medicated for even anxiety if I don't need it and my problem is that of many now--lack of work. She felt it would be unethical and wrong for me to be on drugs that alter my mind. She felt it was wrong for me to even think I would go on anything, just to make the state happy, if I knew I didn't need it.
I had a few people yesterday tell me, you need a new and independent psych eval. So I tried to call my lawyer and left a message. He hasn't been available and I left messages telling him I needed a continuance and that I also needed a new psych eval.
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