Unemployment Claim MESS & Some Blessings

I have the phone on one ear, music in the other, and I'm trying to get a few things written.

My unemployment claim has been so screwed up and delayed so long it's unbelievable. It's been since August that I filed and one minute I was told one thing, the next something different, and then I guess some things stopped without my knowledge and the ball totally dropped, and then requests for information sent out with zero response from another state's offices. It's been months. I guess that means I'll have to request backpay for all this time. But what a major headache. I suppose it will be nice to have a lump sum check though. I could use that right about now.

As for housing and everything else, I have all these different landlords telling me, for days at a time, that I can rent from them but just wait a little bit and then when it approaches weekend, suddenly they can't rent to me anymore.

I am being delayed on housing, on work, and on every single thing. Including getting an attorney to represent me on my custody case.

I have one person after the other after another asking me to fill out applications, telling me they're hiring, and then they don't. Or individuals wanting my name and phone number for no reason at all, but as if it's going into a tally for something and nothing more.

It's like a contest of who can screw me over the best. I don't know. Some people have TRIED to help and a few have just been jerking me around. I can't tell who the good people are anymore.

I'm talking to unemployment right now and they totally DROPPED my claim for months when I was CALLING and they're saying I wasn't calling. But I was calling. They're also saying that despite all of my attempts to get this moving, they cannot expedite my claim in any way.

First it's Washington state saying they didn't do certain things and then they're saying Washington D.C. didn't give them certain things and claimed not to have any information on me at all.

So I'm finding out, all along, I have had a VALID claim and I have enough hours combined, to have been paid for the last THREE months. But I haven't been paid anything and instead, this has been delayed all this time and then they haven't even VALIDATED it yet and they're saying it will be 6 weeks AFTER validation.

So this is...what?! An unemployment claim which is going to take a full SIX MONTHS to fully process???

Okay, well, I just talked to this guy more and he said okay they might be able to try to expedite some things and he said it WAS taking a longer time than usual. So they're going to try to straighten this out.

Oh, and I smoked today, but I really have quit. I'm smoking today for killing a migraine. So, temporary and justified and it does help. I am no longer addicted though and smoked only twice (including today) in the last one month.

I'm glad today is a day I can smoke justifiably. I have listened to one of my favorite U2 songs today "Faraway, So Close".

I have things to be thankful for:

1. I am lucky enough to have a roof over my head even if I don't have my own place yet, and that is a blessing.

2. My health is improving since I quit smoking and I'm gaining a little weight, which is good.

3. My visit with my son today went really well (will say a few things in a different post, but the monitor even commented today..."I wonder if he's going to be left-handed..." because he was eating using a spoon in his left hand, but then he later switched to eat something else with his right). He was in a really good mood and then at the end, he did this really sweet thing where, after we had been playing "Hi-Ho Cherry-o" he said, in parting, after hugging and kissing me...He stood next to me while I was crouched at his level and he put his hand on my shoulder, looked at me, and said, "And Mama, make sure you pick all the cherries from the tree and eat them, O.K?!" He patted my shoulder in a little protective way, like he was concerned about my eating enough or something. I have no idea what he meant by it but he meant it for good, in a sweet way. He just said this out of the blue after I made him a calendar for the next week and told him we'd see eachother the next week.

4. Someone took me to see my son so I didn't walk, and I also was able to bring him some snacks he really liked.

5. Some guys came out to play live guitar music.

6. Some of the sadness vibe seemed to be gone about a day or two ago or so. Something seemed to be better. I also stopped waking up in the middle of the night not knowing why. I hadn't been waking up with a sadness, but just waking without explanation and then falling asleep. But some of the sadness was gone for some reason, though I have my moments which come and go. What's odd, is that about 10 minutes after writing this, I feel sad! I always think it must have something to do with my son lately, maybe. Still feel sadness so I think it is regarding the situation maybe, with my son.

I don't want anyone to think everything has been easy though. I am really trying to do so many things, and if anyone knew how many times the rug keeps getting pulled out from under me, at the very last moment, they would understand I am not just given to complaint. I am not getting upset, when I do, over absolutely nothing. Believe me, I'm really not. This has been a very frustrating time.

I am trying to find out about a lot of things right now, like what's my "diagnosis" and a bunch of other things. And I am trying to get a bunch of things together at the last minute when I have no resources and it's been difficult without a lawyer, to say the least.

UPDATE: then I felt better after feeling the sadness vibe.

But no, not bipolar. It's different and hey! I've talked to some men who were married to, or dated, bipolar women and they thought for sure I wasn't. I asked how someone who is bipolar acts and they said just incredibly depressed and crying one minute and then really high and shopping or super talkative or something.

I was looking at really low rent places and then I thought I may as well get into the best thing I can get into and then figure it out from there. I am used to saving money, and going for what is really cheap just to save, save, save, but I thought, well, for three months, if the state is paying for it, I may as well try to get into the best thing I can and THEN figure out if I'm going to be employed or not and move into something which is suitable for what I can afford in reality. And I may be able to rise to the occasion too, who knows. If not, if I am still unemployed or having to live off of college monies, then I can get something cheaper and save.

So I have looked at a lot of places. There are some good options still, it's just that I put in apps for some things that looked like I'd get it and then after so many days of waiting, I didn't or couldn't get in, so it was frustrating.

I don't know. I don't mind saving at all, and I'm big on that, but as long as I'm not signing a big lease, I could get into something better for a shorter period and then move again if needed. But, it might not be needed. I might be able to stay in a place that costs more. I've made more money almost my entire life, so it's not impossible, but yes, maybe unlikely and if I'm in school, I would need something that's a little less.

But I just figured, why low-ball on everything if it's just temporary? I can be looking for something else or most suitable for what is going on at the time, a month before the state quits paying out of this economic stimulus package.

It's not Section 8, it's something else that came out of the economy thing and it's not just for low-income.

I think about it, and filing my FAFSA thing, I see I have nothing to be ashamed of really--I am a "displaced homemaker" is what I would technically be called.

In every sense of the word, displaced homemaker. So it's okay.

I'm not filing for any kind of SSI because I don't qualify for any of it.

I had a couple of strange dreams recently but I know they are not premonitions or any kind of sign of anything but were the kind of dream that was just about things I'd thought about in the last couple of months.

I had a dream about myself and the Jewish community. I think this is because my parents have lately brought up stuff about "Hitler" or I don't know, just what different people have gone through at different times. After awhile, I started to wonder if one of the family secrets is that we're actually jewish. Yeah, probably not, but my imagination...So, I'm pondering all kinds of things in my mind and then I had this dream--not last night but the night before:

I was in this room and leaned forward against this wall with my hands out and then I realized, it was The Wailing Wall. There were people to the left and the right of me and as I was backing away from the wall, I saw what it was and it was the Wailing Wall. There were a whole bunch of holes in the wall, where people would put their messages to God.

I was backing away, realizing I was at The Wailing Wall. I looked around then and saw that I was in a large room where people were doing crafts. Tables were out and everyone was Jewish. I sat down at a table to do some crafts too.

I don't know if everyone was doing beadwork, but in front of me at my table, was a huge selection of beads. I don't know if they were all red and green and pink or if I just picked these colors out, but I had a piece of paper and I was sitting alone at a table, with people all around me.

So I was sitting there and built some kind of high design on one side with red and green and then another design or tower on the other side with red and pink and then I was painting a line inbetween them and just at that moment, two little girls took my work. They were middle school aged and went around the corner with it. I was curious where they were going with it so I followed to a room outside of the room.

(I am not making this dream up by the way, nor am I intending any message by it, I just thought it was different)

So then I saw I talked to the two girls who were intending on keeping my work. They were girls, but I wanted some of it back. So I talked to them for awhile and after they were first sort of rude, they felt bad and agreed to bring it back to me. So the younger one went around the corner and brought it back to me, but the parts of my work were now a tower design for one part and then a necklace for the other part. It was a string necklace with beads in it. So I thanked the girls and then I gave the younger one the necklace and told her she could keep it if I could keep the other part and we agreed. She kept the necklace. Then I went back into the room and was doing craftwork again and saw this older woman looking at me and I looked at her and my work was gone again and I wanted to know where it went.

Then I woke up. I remember the younger girl was about 7 or so and had dark long hair in the dream and the older one was about 11 or older and had blond hair and weighed more.

But that was my whole dream and I woke up and thought how weird. It was a combo of my real life in trying to make decisions, and of things missing or disappearing, and of things coming back, and then my ideas about my family being Jewish I guess. I have no idea. But I had the dream the same night I think my Dad brought up the Holocaust again. Actually, he didn't say anything about Hitler a lot, just brought up this time in history a few times, about how people were persecuted and to bear with trials.

Oh, and then too, I remember at the end, I was thinking maybe my work went into the trash but I was going to put a message to God in the wall but I thought someone would take it and read it so I didn't and then I woke up. In the dream I didn't know if I was Jewish or not.

And that was the whole dream. But as for the colors and everything, nothing should be made of it, or about any of it because it was just a dream that was compiling a bunch of stuff and we're approaching Christmastime too. But that was the dream.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipoZbsc_3eU&NR=1 I have been listening to a lot of U2 today. And then I found this one! It's a really cool duet of "One" by a man and woman. Like it. This is a really amazing version but I don't know who the female singer is. Oh, it's Mary J. Blige.

Anyway, sometimes, there really IS something wrong with this computer. I'm not kidding. Sometimes it's fine and other times, something is wrong with it. I had no problems until a little bit ago. I didn't have problems like this, with the computer, on the East Coast. I have tried computers in town and most are fine and at hotels, if I try one, it's fine. But then I went to one house and as soon as I sat down, I could tell there was the same problem with that computer but I don't know how it's done. It's technology, but I don't know how it's done.

The technology these days makes the world a very dangerous place. I don't really know how anything is kept private, and there are so many new ways to actually harm someone through technology that most wouldn't see or notice, it's too bad. As much as I love science, it is going to be the death of mankind.

I have thought about someone recently, who said to me: "The world is going to end in war" after I quoted Robert Frost. What can be done already, to harm others and intimidate them, is beyond the pale. I could go on to talk about things which have been done to me and my son and which, I know, happen to other people as well, but I am still trying to get my son back.

I am trying to move forward. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWdG8NoFXY0&NR=1

I do know I need to talk to a computer guy soon about some stuff.

There are other people I wish I could talk to...the guy in the brown sweatshirt who came into the church the day I went to church recently, whom I didn't get a chance to speak with; the man in the blue sweatshirt with hood who walked by the window I've seen before and would like to speak with sometime; and there are a few others.

UPDATE: My night ended on an upnote. I finally found a group to connect to! or at least to get involved with for making friends. I was being driven home by one nice man and then we passed some protestors. He was driving by and I said, "Wait! Do you mind if we turn around?" I decided I wanted to join in for once. It isn't harmful protesting, I don't think. It was a peace group. And I want to learn more about peace processes and people who are interested in it, so I asked if he'd mind and I got out, joined in, talked with some people, and I am so excited because I got some information on a group that meets about peace aside from public protests, and they just exchange peace articles and discuss issues. People of every age, from every walk of life, and different churches and groups are involved so it's my cup of tea. I don't know so much about war and when it's right or not and that kind of thing, but I am interested in just learning more about how people go about peace stuff. Because I obviously have a lot to learn.

So I am very excited about this and I used to honk or wave when I drove by this group, when I still had my son and I considered joining then but thought it might be too radical when I was still trying to find my way in town and didn't want to jeaopardize my situation with my son. Looking back, I totally should have joined, WITH him, and then met more people outside of my neighborhood who I could be involved with in a community sense. I mean, it's "protest" for peace so it's not doing any harm.

The thing I like about it, is that it's not downing the government or the soldiers or anyone. It's supportive of troops but for peace. And there are veterans who are also involved. I'm looking forward to knowing more.