My son looked really worn out. I could tell his speech is still good and it seems he's okay in general, but he'd lost weight and had circles under his eyes. It's sort of what I notice when he is having whatever causes the fasciculations and it decreases his appetite to where he's not hungry, but I would have to watch for further evidence.
I could tell he'd had a rough few days. Some of it may be depression for him, because he continues to stall, and stall, to stay in visits with me and he is forced out.
Despite all this, the strangest thing is, that while I saw my son and was concerned about some things, I had this strong powerful, positive energy still. Maybe it's that even if things are not yet okay with my son, I could feel the prayers of others or, that twin or soulmate is okay and I sense it.
I shouldn't have any peace, and I should be depressed, but strangely, I'm not at all. I feel something good is happening in the background, somewhere. Even though bad is done, I still sense something is better somewhere, for someone. I didn't feel depressed or anxious at all, but simply sorry for my son today and the urgency to get him back under my own supervision.
My son had been sobbing before he saw me today, so he was sniffling throughout the visit. Someone said he had a bruise, a new one, on his eye, because of "water" but that didn't make sense. I spoke to him in Spanish and he said something different. He said he'd wanted to play with a toy and that's how he got his new bruise at the corner of his eye. I said "hijos malo a ti?" and he said, "no". I said, "Sonia malo a ti?" and he said "yes". Si. Sonia, the babysitter. That's what he said. I don't know and can't prove it, but it makes a hell of a lot more sense than "water" causing the injury. I mean, someone did something to him, whether it was a kid or not, and he displayed behavior of someone who had been traumatized. He also had ONE of those fingerprint-type bruises on his arm. Just one but it was very dark and perfectly round, like the ones he used to get were. He hasn't had any in a very long time but he had one today, and it wasn't from playing.
On the other hand, I don't want to assume it's Sonia. Other times he's said he likes her a lot and I've wondered if it's my aunt. Or someone from a church nursery. Today, the state worker came in and said my aunt complained to HER that whenever my son got a scratch or bruise, he told her he was going to tell "mama". Michelle thought this was horrible, that a child should think to tell his mother about his owies. She tried to accuse me of making HIM paranoid to where any small owie he got from "playing" caused him to want to tell me. I told HER, that it was concerning that my own son would feel he needed to TELL someone he HAD owies to show mommy. Not only that, why is this BAD? I am proud to hear my son is telling others that he WANTS to talk about, or show his owies to his mama! This is HOW it should be! Holly is not his mother. I am, and my son clearly knows this. He knows who his mother is, and who he can go to, to talk about something. He knows where he is safe.
He fell over today during our visit, or just fell off-balance and hit his head a little and wanted me to kiss it. He asked me to keep kissing it and then said it was all better. This is a normal 3 year old, who has a normal mother, and they get to see eachother a total of FOUR hours a week and they TRY to fill eachother in and I TRY, in that short time, to assess his needs and protect him and look out for his interests. That a state worker would trY TO TURN THIS AROUND is hideous, and if anyone from my family is involved in this, I think THAT'S hideous too.
He also had little pieces of skin picked off on his left hand, and it looked like some kid had just clawed him. On his hand and the back of his neck too. If he did this to himself, he did it out of trauma, and I don't think he'd claw the back of his own neck. He didn't want to be in the visit at first, and I didn't know why, but I notice when he's traumatized, he is more distant at first. I sometimes wonder if someone is saying bad things to him about what not to say to ME, to scare the hell out of him, but I don't know who would do that.
Since my son is in less than optimal condition, I decided today that I would share something a state worker said to me which i was going to keep in reserve. Something about how I could say whatever I wanted to police, and hahaha, look what good it did (she said with a smirk). I will also describe how she lied about what visitation monitors are available to make up visits.
My son's health had better not be compromised in any way. I mean it. I think, probably, he was just depressed and not eating as much. AND he HAD been mauled right before coming to see me. But I would to see him for a longer period to know whether or not he's doing alright in other ways.
Once he was in the visit, he relaxed and didn't want to leave and was more affectionate. He would "no" to sitting on my lap for a story, but then climb on anyway and cuddle.
What I am really upset about, is how I have been made out to be a hypochondriac when I'm not, and the state worker just grinned today when I said I didn't appreciate how the visitation notes and state record made it sound as though all I talked about in our visits, were his "owies".
I thought of something else the state should know. I have told my son he could TELL me when he gets an owie, and so, since he tells my aunt he's going to do this everytime, the state worker claims I've made my son paranoid. What the state forgets to mention, is how EVERYthing and ANYTHING I say, is remembered and repeated by my son because I still happen to be the most important person in his life. I once said, as we were playing with cars, "Hola amigo!" and ever since, he wants the cars to say "hola amigo!" to eachother. He wants to take everything I bring in to visits with him because he wants every piece of his mother that he can take with him. I spend FIVE minutes on checking my son over, and the notes get written up to suggest I spend the whole time dwelling on this. Because the Judge put out an order blocking me from audio taping visits, it affects the truth-teller. That order protects only someone who might be lying or writing things out of context. No normal Judge, who is interested in an objective truth, would even AGREE to such an order.
So first I'm going to say what the state worker said to me. Then I'll continue talking about the rest of the visit, which was good.
It was a few weeks ago, right after Erickson started picking up her habit of interrupting visits all the time, that she said to me, from the state office counter, she looked at me smirking, and mocked me after a visit was cancelled and she said it wouldn't be rescheduled. I said I was concerned the visit was cancelled at the very last minute and she was saying it couldn't be made up. I said I would like to have a worker go out and make sure he was okay. The next week or a week later, it wasn't the monitor who was sick at the very last minute, but supposedly my aunt, who, the state workers said, had "The Spinal Flu". I have heard of Swine Flu but not "Spinal Flu". I called my aunt 2 days later and she was at work and sounded fine. It sounded more like a 24 hour flu to me and the whole time, Erickson was saying they wouldn't make up visits, even though they're required to.
So Erickson said to me--She said, "You can go to the poooollleeeece if you want Cameo," she said in a sing-song way, "And I know you know how much good that's done you in the past." And then, knowing what I knew, about the big scrape of skin off of my son's face which she tried to play off as a "scratch" until I published PHOTOS of the gash, and knowing she SAW the bruises on my son which were not normal, that WOMAN sat there and mocked the fact that Chelan County "detectives" had tried to minimize what happened to my son. The woman, a CPS worker, mocked at the fact my son's abuse, which was clearly abuse from somewhere, had gone without sanction. Then she sits there and threatens and mocks me over it.
Right after this, she took up her habit of lying.
I brought in a "friend of the family" to sit down and talk to her, and she backed off only a little bit, smirking now and then, I think, to see whether he was really a "friend" of mine or not.
Right after harassing me about my son, and trying to provoke me and effectively saying she was trying to minimize even the short amount of time my son and I have together as it is, she THEN, lied, boldly, to both ME and "the family friend".
And I caught her in it. I called people up to see if what she said was true, and they all told me she had lied.
She told us, that she had said she couldn't make up the visit right away because there were only 3 people who could supervise the visits: Susan Sorder, herself, or ? forgot the other person. She told me and the family friend that all the other visitation agencies refused to monitor for my case. So I called up those agencies and found out she had lied. She also lied about Children's Home Society, telling me and the family friend that there was only ONE worker when really, there were, like, SIX.
So that's all I have to say about that. I think I just saw Anne McIntosh walk in but maybe it's a look-a-like. She was pleasant, whomever it is.
I just want my son to see me MORE. That's all. I don't mind jumping through hoops. I don't mind "getting counseling" or whatever. But my son NEEDS to see me and it's ridiculous this has dragged out so long. I just want to see steps torwards increasing the bond and not decreasing time.
As for whether I am working, this is irrelevant. Many families don't work or don't have employment and this isn't a reason to have kids kept. If I am on unemployment, this is fine. If I have to be on TANF short term again until I have work and not just volunteer work, this is fine. What is really necessary is simply housing.
And do I think my son should be with the Avila's? Yes I do. I think it's much better than some other family or strangers. I think they don't always have time to monitor everything but my son would be traumatized to go elsewhere, if he's not simply reunited with me. My son should remain with the Avilas but make a quick transition back into my care and still visit the Avilas. I definitely do NOT think he should be placed somewhere else at this point, out of his best interests, I think it would be best to have him where he is, increase the visitatino with his mother (me) and then keep him in very close contact with the Avilas and others he sees. I would even take him to Sonia's to play with the same kids and then have him meet other kids too.
I want to get him INVOLVED in things besides. Like music,, because at the Wood's Conservatory there is a program for his age, where, if I'm volunteering, they'd let him sing in a choir (if he wants to) or be in a music class, free of charge.
I also want him involved in dance, bc he would LOVE this. And the free swimming lessons. I can take him to all these things, even if it's by bus. And he NEEDS to be in preschool.
I don't believe in bussing kids back and forth from one structured activity to the other at this age. I think it should be half and half. Half free-for-all play time and then half preschool and other fun activities that are more planned. I totally support a kid being allowed to be a kid, and just have time to explore the world.
I don't know. Maybe my new lawyer can help work things out with getting visitation increased.
So, to the good stuff, the good part about our visit. Which was pretty much the whole thing.
He explored the toy box, pulling new things out and making discoveries, and wanted to play with cars and then I gave him a harmonica today and he knew how to play it and he played it really well, breathing in and out. I was really surprised. I think he might be at an age where he could possibly take up an instrument. I mean, not pushing it, but to explore the possiblity. He was pretty good with the harmonica, sliding up and down and then asking me to play it. I don't know how to play one. But I gave him the only one I had. He actually was able to play the harmonica about as well as I can. It's just a little silver harmonica.
I was going to give him this pretty rock I got for good luck but decided to save it since he won't appreciate it. Some kids are into rocks and others are not and he wasn't that interested for right now.
I gave him his security information. I asked him what his name was and he said, "Nessie?" and I said, "No, honey, if someone asks you what your name is...What is YOUR name?" and he said "Oliver." I said, "That's right! Oliver Garrett". Then I gave him his phone number and repeated it to him, for the Avilas. Then I told him, if anyone, a kid or adult harms you, or touches you in a place they shouldn't, you know you can tell mommy right?
So I tried to give him a safety talk. The monitor freaked out but then, to her credit, the state worker, Erickson wasn't down on it. But then she tried to say I brought up injuries all the time and I don't. But she told the monitor it was fine for me to instruct him in this way if I wasn't dwelling on it (which I wasn't) and Sue said she didn't know because she didn't know the history of the case. Some kids have been abused and bringing things up like that is re-traumatizing. I was just trying to tell my son the basics.
He's at an age where he can speak for himself and he can learn important indentifying information.
He said he understood. I want my son to KNOW he can SPEAK to ME and that there is nothing he could possibly say which would be wrong. Even if I only have four hours a week, it's my JOB.
Then, he wanted to look at babies. So we looked at magazines with babies in it and talked about what I used to do with him when he was smaller. Then he wanted to be a "papoose" and I wrapped him up, he sat on my lap, and we read stories. He looked through everything and what he wanted most was Clifford. I have no idea why.
Clifford the Big Red Dog.
He said he wanted ALL the Clifford books!
He also saw a couple of Clifford-like plastic dogs and he picked these out and played with them.
He laughed out loud at the humor in the Clifford books and had this little smirk on his face the whole time. He sat there sucking his thumb and then losing it with his grin. The books have very short sentences but he seemed to like the concept.
After Clifford The Big Red Dog, he turned the book over and saw the ad for other Clifford books and said "and this one, and this one, and this one, and I want to buy this one and this one and this one..." Oh yeah, he wanted to buy ALL of the Clifford books.
He went through the whole stack of books available to choose Clifford and rereadings and then he had the plastic Clifford eating chocolate and saying "Hola Amigo" to the plastic elephant, and then wanted "The Little Mermaid". I sang "Part Of That World" in a Little Mermaid voice which he loved. He laughed out loud at the part where The Little Mermaid is being told a fork is a comb and a pipe is a snarfblatt. He thought these parts were funny.
Then he stalled when it was time to go and dragged out "Hi-Ho Cherry-O" from the shelf but we had to go so I told him we could play the game next time and showed him our calendar so he knew when we'd see eachother next.
Oh, he also picked out a book about being shy, which I read partway and he decided he didn't like and then he wanted one about Aunt Lily tucking in the rabbits. I haven't seen the Aunt Lily ones. It was a bunch of rabbits. He went for Clifford and then The Golden Book series and skipped over the more baby-style books.
The monitor got a little mad when I spoke in Spanish to him but I think it was because she knew I was inquiring about how he got the bruise on his eye. But it was fun, the visit, in general.
I think he must have seen someone playing harmonica, who plays it really well. Because he knew what to do. I wonder if Pablo or someone plays a harmonica? I'll have to ask.
Thank you so much everyone, for the prayers for me and my son. For the good thoughts and prayers. We appreciate it very much.
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