Good Visit With Oliver & Other Good News About Psych Eval

Well, I have to say I totally think the evaluation makes me sound like a NUT but my lawyer and the AG think it's workable and my lawyer said it gives me room and he doesn't think I need medication either, but just other things to "remedy". I said, "Are you kidding? with what she wrote? 5 different 'issues'???" but he said he thinks it's doable and that the AG is working with it and not going to terminate my parental rights.

So actually, I said I wanted an independent one but if for some reason we get it in writing my head isn't going to be drugged up, I might just go with the flow and even be, allegedly a, b, c, d, and f, even if I'm not, just to get my son back. If I need a neurological work up, that's fine, and if I need counseling, that's fine, but my brain isn't organically disordered.

I don't want to be considered "disabled" when Im not though, that's the other thing, because I CAN work and just haven't got work, like most people right now. I'm doing what I can.

I want visitation increased though, because without this, I don't think there is good faith. It doesn't show ME that I am actually being allowed to move forward and that my son's wishes are being respected. So I would have to see some kind of give and take here.

This one Russian woman told me too, who has been very kind, that she thinks my troubles are almost at an end. At first I was nervous, like, I hope my "happy ending" isn't the end of my life, but she meant it well, saying there is a saying that all our days are written and our story is written before we ever live it and she believed that I was nearing an end which would be good. She invited me to church with her but I didn't go because I was having a migraine. They've not been so bad lately but I still get them.
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I forgot to mention a couple of things Oliver did in the last visit. One was really cute. I sneezed and he grabbed his juice box and brought it to me, and said, "Here Mama, have this, it will help." And then he said, "It will help your cough" and I drank the juice and said thank you. I then realized, he was doing this because if he coughed, he had a drink, and he thought it might work for a sneeze too. SO cute! And then he did something else too, which was hilarious but I forgot for now.

Today probably wasn't the very best visit but he was both tired and yawning and had a bad cold. Not sick, but thin still and really runny nose. I think he got that high fever and after he recovered from this, he got the runny nose and cold. He was really in good shape, except sick. I mean, his speech seemed normal and he had no strange marks. Just a cold and thin. He was sort of in a demanding mood as well, but we had a good time and he was still affectionate and had fun.

We got into the room and he wanted to eat raisins more than chocolate. He wanted more than what I had brought. He was eating well, and had some meat/cheese/and crackers and then grapes and raisins and didn't even eat his chocolate. His lips were a little bit chapped so I told him to remember to drink lots of fluids: water, juice, and milk to get better faster. He ate some of his yogurt too. All of it actually. He didn't want a chicken/tortilla soup I brought but he took it with him.

He had a hard time staying on one thing today. I just think it was not feeling well in general. He didn't have the odd circles under his eyes anymore. He seems he's sleeping now but just has that cold. I feel he's watching too many cartoons somewhere though, because he can name every cartoon character from every cartoon there is and this bother me. It tells me he's spending a lot of time in front of the television. I also had to correct his Spanish and I feel not enough attention is paid to his language! He was saying "Tienes mochos" which is Spanish for "He has sniffles" but didn't know how to use "Tengo mochos" when speaking about himself. As soon as I told him it was "Tengo" or "Quiero" when he was referring to himself, he got it and remembered. I told him it was sometimes difficult to remember things when you're learning 2 languages at once. But he remembers all my instructions and I would like to be able to help him more.

He enjoyed drawing lines for connect the dots and he found a puzzle piece from a 100 piece puzzle and fit two pieces together on his own, finding them out of the heap and then after I said I was impressed he didn't want to play it anymore. He said they didn't fit right, but he had put a corner piece and another piece together that matched, all on his own when I was still turning over pieces.

He wanted to play with this doll and the house and a rack of beads and wanted "Strawberry Shortcakes Secret Valentine" and "Cat In The Hat" again. Then I pretended to make a monkey talk and move, like a puppet. It was a stuffed animal and he had fun playing pretend with the monkey and gave it fries, a soda, and a hamburger. He had a big grin on his face when I had the monkey do different dances to the music played from a toy. Then I showed him a man on a motorcycle from an issue of Vanity Fair with Bruce Willis on a motorcycle on the cover. He said he wanted to see the motorcycle. I couldn't find one. It was just on the cover. So I found cars, but he really wanted to see a motorcycle. I found a mermaid, and he said, "A mermaid! A lello mermaid!" it was for a Yellow Tail wine ad. Then we found Queen Elizabeth and I told him it was a real queen but the mermaid wasn't real. I think he was disappointed. He would have preferred a real mermaid to a real Queen I think.

He said "no" a lot at this visit. I would sing and he'd say yes to lollipop and then say "no". He was hot and cold a little bit.

Then he saw photos of people in various voga postures and one with a man with his feet wrapped around his arms and hands with the feet in the air.. I imitated and then Oliver wanted me to do another pose which I couldn't do. Then, I showed him one of a man on his head and I did a headstand for him and then he wanted to do it so I helped him with a pillow for his head. He loved trying this and kept wanting Sue to see him.
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I have a bad feeling right now. I think it might be my son. It is about five minutes to one and there is a sad or heavy feeling. It was so strong and positive but now is sad for some reason. All I can do is pray I think. I feel like I should pray for this, whatever it is.

I want my son back with me ASAP. I know people are trying, I think, but he needs to be under my supervision and care. He has told me Sonia (his babysitter) is mean or "bad" to him (but he said, not the kids) and I found out today he sees all the cartoons at Holly's.

He is really skinny right now, and sick, and spends all his time at a daycare while my aunt and uncle work. It's not good for him. His lips were chapped and parched and he just needs to be with me. I didn't like the food he was eating either. Sugar juice boxes, sugar yogurt, processed meat and cheese with crackers. I want to be feeding him the way I did when he was with me--organic foods and fully balanced diet with real meals and not so much sugar (unless it's chocolate occasionally) and get his percentiles back up. I don't know what's wrong, but I can't TELL when he's out of my sight and care. For all I know, someone is locking him into a closet half the time, or shutting him away somewhere. I have no idea what's going on. Is he getting beat up? is he being supervised? is he being locked away? is he dressed for the weather? He is super skinny right now and his hands were so cold when he came in. Very cold. He needs gloves or mittens and a sweater over his shirt, even if he has a coat. He doesn't have a lot of bodyfat right now so he's going to get cold more easily than adults do.

I also showed him photos of the two of us on my laptop. He enjoyed this but the monitor didn't like it. I told her I was banned from TAKING photos, not from showing him photos. He wanted to see himself for awhile and really wanted me to take photos of him, with his dinosaur shirt on. I got him that shirt when he was still a baby and he wore it. It's too small now, the arms are too short, but he's thinner now than he was then so it's loosse. It's a dinosaur with a football in his mouth and he wanted a photo but I had to tell him I wanted to, but there was "this man" who said no.

He always understands when I refer to "This man." It is "A man" who won't let me see him more, and "This man" who won't let me take photos. It works though, so he knows his mother WANTS to do these things but cannot because of "This man". The Man. How would he understand if I said, "And a bunch of shrews are the reason for your misery too"? lol. Yeah, I can't tell him it's men and women who keep him from seeing his mother more. So I put everything on "The Man". Otherwise, he thinks he's the problem or he's done something bad, or that it's me.

He stalled when it was time to leave. He picked up a new activity to do and wanted to eat his yogurt then. He didn't want to leave. He got his calendar though.

He was also happy today, to crawl under the couch and retrieve toys that had been lost there. He felt some accomplishment in doing this and bringing all the toys out. He went under the couch about 3-4 times to get stuff and drag it out.
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The vibe is better now. It's like off-on, off-on. But it's better now. 1:20 P.M. PST.

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I really have no idea why my lawyer thinks my psych eval isn't bad. Isn't BAD???!!! Maybe if we're going to say this is all hypothetical and just "suggestive of". I mean, seriously, I read it and thought...I mean, come on, I might have to "Hit rock bottom, commit crime, and go to jail?"

Sounds bad to ME.

I told people, I got diagnosed with everything except Multiple Personality disorder. Which is actually ONE disorder that would be hilarious to have. I was joking about it. I sort of like that one the best. There could be 6 of us and I could develop a personality for each of them, er, us.
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Playing Krauss' "Lucky One" and still off-on vibe but a little more positive than heavy or sad and burdensome. But still, a mixture.
I think I will smoke a cigarette. I smoked one yesterday and just want ONE more, today! I'm still doing really well, just 2 now in the last month.

Need to pick up my test results for hair analysis.

Pray for me and my son and whaatever is going on in the world or for the cause of this feeling I have of heaviness please? Or good thoughts if you don't pray. But thank you for prayers too.