Prayer, Work & Joking About Bank Truck

I feel I need to follow up on the last post. That officer, whoever she was, I didn't get the best feeling.

I deleted what I wrote, but she was blond and followed me down Cherry and I didn't get a good vibe from her and then turned around later and found she was parked behind me and then took off when I looked. She slowed down and just smirked at me and I didn't know what her issue with me was. Whoever it was in a Wenatchee patrol car at about 9:35-40 a.m. on Cherry, and other drivers, I could tell, were noticing as well and they made this clear.

I was on my way to the Catholic church to pray, after being in the hearing and having this strong vibe, and someone told me to go to this chapel where one can pray anytime they want to, with or next to, the sisters. So that's where I was walking and I didn't want any problems.

HOWEVER, how do I know, for sure, without any kind of evidence, whether she is good or not or even where the vibe came from? Feelings are just that sometimes--feelings. Nothing more. And the other thing is, I could have been picking up on the fears of some of the others who were driving by. I've seen a lot of fear lately. Fear and worry on others' faces and I feel like I'm always trying to sidestep to make other people feel better or not be concerned.

It is true that was my first impression though. It was unnerving. Who knows. Maybe she wanted to park from a distance to see if it was true that I turned when eyes were on my back, who knows.

The other thing, is when I had a strong positive feeling in the hearing, that could have absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that a woman and her family walked in at that moment. It could have a lot more to do with a connection I have with my son, whom I thought about and pray for, or with someone long distance or even just the need to pray period. I don't know what it's from, but I pay attention and then I let it go.

I know what I feel, but I think it's wrong for anyone to base games and judgement calls off of it. It's like there's been some kind of contest and I don't know what it's about but if I don't have a say or know about it, it's probably not something I really should have others involving me in, in any way at all.

I called for work today, and then I went to pray and then I'm going to work again.

When I got there for prayer, I just sat in silence for awhile. I didn't have any kind of vibe at all. Just nothing and just the need to wait. I prayed for general things and then when I thought about the books on the shelf, I actually started feeling a little bit of the good vibe--like I don't know if it's good or bad but it was something to pray for.

Then, I had several names come to mind. The other day I had this name "Jason" stand out in a big way. Then, the weirdest thing happened. I met him. I met the Jason I was praying for but I didn't even know his name was Jason. He showed up and I saw him and in my heart I knew "that's him". It was so odd, and it was a very good thing, and good experience. There was peace between us and I knew it but I hadn't even known what I was praying for.

When I got to the chapel I saw that there were three different kinds of roses. Pink and red next to the statue for Christ, and white for the statue for Mary. It made me think maybe there isn't a war of roses. They're all for the same thing. Peace.

I had the following names and countries come to mind today while praying. I have to say, I felt nothing different being in a chapel, but it was a quiet place to pray. I felt better when I was praying for the names and countries and locations, and then it really was sinking in when I left and was walking back. I saw there's a list of things one can pray for, for other people, which is good. I thought about it, but I spent about an hour there anyway so that was good enough. In a crowded house it's hard to find a place to pray sometimes.

I had a ton of names today. Some of them were repeats. I couldn't shake Emily for some reason. A few others:

Jonaquin
Esther
Marianne
Alicia
Emmet
Israel
Ishmael
Honduras
Peru
Alburquerque, NM
Iceland
Bosnia
Georgia
Mike N.'s family
Angelina
Austria
Cameron
Drew (had this one the other day)
Justin
Aaron
Conner
Emmanuel
George
Ben
Syrie
Magdalena
Chantel
Alison (big one but I don't know why)
Desiree
Jeremy
Joe
Donatto
Ezra
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For example--regarding the vibe...I felt it very strongly from 12:30 p.m. PST and on, but what does that mean? I was smoking outside just thinking about the names to pray for. So I don't think it means anything except that I have a calling to pray for others.

I'm not in love with anyone, nor am I with anyone, nor have I heard anyone refer to me as their soul mate, so I think it's wrong to assume this has something to do with any man. If I am in love with someone, who could it be?! just kidding. All I know, is that I'm supposed to be single and I am taking time to consider making a commitment more formally, to being single. So it may be some time before I sort this out and know whether I'm supposed to be married or not. I do feel called to be a mother of course.

Last night I couldn't sleep and just kept waking up and falling asleep again. Then this morning there was an absence of any kind of vibe at all.

The vibe thing is and has always been, associated with prayer though. It's not like it just comes and goes without warning. It's always associated with a thought I might have about someone or for someone, and then I pray. So it's not just some mood thing. It's also the exact same thing I had when I was little, and no one in my life ever thought I was mentally ill then or later. Everyone has "instincts" and can get a "feeling" about something and then there's also this thing which I think is associated with prayer. I think my instincts are fairly good, but anyway, I don't act any differently whether I have a good vibe or bad vibe except that I understand I may need to pray more.
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I read a few pieces of religious literature while I was at the chapel and it was nice to read. The other thing I liked was the stations of the cross, 14 of them, around the border of the wall on top. I thought too, if those statues of Jesus and Mary are for J and M, then maybe the obelisk or sun is supposed to be for God.

I saw a sister there praying but I didn't want to bother her. I'm not going to write about anyone I see there bc I think it's private. But I did see a sister. It was a little bit more of a private prayer thing which was nice.
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Remember, some of what I write is fact and some fiction, and those who know me know how to read between the lines.

I felt very positive last night, and cooked the Italian meal though I didn't have my favorite recipe. Next time I'll cook Chinese or French. It was good though, even though I just made use of the cottage cheese. I made lasanga, garlic bread, salad with Italian lettuces and spinach, and then I had strawberries with fresh whipped cream which was just heavy whipping cream whipped with sugar. Very simple.
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Off to work or interview again. Well, I have a couple online apps to do too. But I think prayer is like work. So someone should count my prayer as work and it's just as important as getting a job, in my opinion. I should just get up earlier to do it probably.
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Oh! I have to write about my missed opportunity to rob a bank or money truck. I must be boring, because this was the most exciting thing that's happened to me in a week!

I was sitting there, outside of the Safeway, on a bench, minding my own business, and thinking about my next move for acquiring work and filling out apps. Suddenly, out of nowhere, as I was resting in this comtemplative state, as the sun was shining on me, here comes the money truck.

I was getting kind of excited, because it was armored and everything. So I was sitting there, and two security guys come out after stopping right in front of me. I saw them get the gurney thing out and was waiting for big bags of money, but it was boxes of coins. I said to them, before I saw the coins, "Someone TOLD me I needed a miracle and now you're here!" and they laughed. Then I saw the coins and added, "I don't think I can make a fast getaway." Box after box of heavy coins. They were cracking up and I said it would be hard to get away with even one box under my shirt and said everyone would hear me too, with all that change. They got the bag of money out and went in and then came back and I just joked some more. They were both cracking up and that was that.

Oh! hahaha! I thought it was called a gurney but this guy just told me a gurney is like a stretcher and that I meant "dolly".
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I checked on a couple of positions the other day and one was likely but then I found out it requires a car. I spoke with someone who said I was still eligible for unemployment so I have to follow through with what she told me to do and it will go forward.

I also looked for work today and spoke with someone who has some positions coming up. They seem potential so I'm looking into it.

I'm also still eligible to go back to college so I am moving forward on this. If I were offered a very good FT job I might postpone, but as it is, I'm going forward with college plans.

Working Today

I'm working today, at the house and outside I hope.

I don't know what's going on, but it feels like a war of the roses or something. I need a rainbow shirt or something. I don't know why everyone is noticing what I wear. I like cream colored tops, and white. With pearl earrings, and simple stuff, I've always thought it's pretty. I also like midnight blue, burgandy or crimson, dark green or turquoise, and pale yellow. Some shades of pink. Lavendar can be pretty but I never know what to wear it with. Orange looks good on me. I have one school photo though, where I wore peach. Peach everything and I just looked like a big peach. Peach shirt, peach sweater, and peach and ivory cameo earrings and broach. And my hair was permed and my make-up was peach and it's sort of hideous. I had this one suit once, which I wore to a hearing, that I really liked. It was the best skirt suit I've ever had, fitting very well, and it was solid blue and I wore it with a little silk scarf that had white, and tiny little red and yellow flowers on it. Wore it with navy blue heels. Most of my shirts now are green, which accents my hair.

Anyway, I have no clothes. I need to get some things out of storage or something. I just noticed I said "or something" about 3 times.

I'm totally cutting back on smoking. Yay! I thought about going to a mass today to just pray but I don't know where they have it for just prayer. I've put on a little weight too, which is good. I went from 113 to 118. I still look sort of skinny though. I don't think smoking helps the complexion.

I am cooking today and then doing other stuff.

Last night I was tired but I couldn't fall asleep for hours. I felt like I needed to pray but I was too tired and then when I felt that good prayer vibe and prayed, I finally fell asleep. It was a fine night. Peaceful.

So anyway, not much to say. I haven't prayed yet today or had names come up but I remember a Jason from last night (this name came to mind) and Richards. God bless Jason and God bless the Richards.

Well, that's it. The only word that came to my mind today was hallelujah. Hallelujahs and that was it. I guess it's to be thankful.

Have a good day today everyone.

Oh no. I just found out my mom didn't send me the lasanga recipe so I have to find another one. I don't know which one! I wrote, "MOM!" I asked her to send it and she didn't, saying it was expensive to make, but that's my call! So I asked her to send it over but I'll probably have to just come up with a different recipe instead.

Since I didn't pray earlier today, I've said a small prayer now and feel much better. I might try to find out about the oblate stuff. Because at least with that, one is single, but this one woman was telling me that nuns have to be virgins. So I think a nun is a virgin in truth, and a sister is maybe one which is just turning their life around, regardless of the past, and then I think an oblate is free to do anything, but I think it has something to do with still being very religious.

I am on to looking up recipes now I think and that will be all. No more time for blogging. Just have to get things done today. Lots of work to do, today and tomorrow.

Rest, Peace, Prayer & Reading Between The Lines

I was feeling like someone had died, yesterday or the day before. I wouldn't know who, but something was so tense and then there was an absolute void of vibe, good or bad. Just this blank feeling. I didn't know what to make of it and still don't. I really feel like someone died though.

I did a lot of praying the last couple of days. I'll just write about what I prayed for and the names that came to mind, some which I'm not even familiar with.

There were a few more symbolic things directed to me, two days ago, but last night was peaceful and today as well. No harm, no heart palpitations, and just peace. Mainly books about a Pennsylvania Dutch couple and one of the books was turned upside down. I guess upside down is usually bad, but who knows.

I prayed with an older woman and the whole time I just didn't "feel" anything at all. Which doesn't mean anything. One can pray and never have any sort of "feeling" that goes along with it. The only time I began to "feel" something was slightly, when I began praying for international relations, this country, and the economic situation for everyone.

I prayed specifically that during this down time with the economy worldwide, that all the countries would work together to find solutions, and not against eachother. I prayed for peace between the nations, and for cooperation, and for the countries to be able to hear even the smallest of voices.

I felt exhausted yesterday and today. I was really tense about who knows what and had these contrasting signals, and then I just felt something lift but I was a little concerned because there was zero vibe then. I don't know what it means, if anything.

But I'll write down all these names that have come to mind, which I've lifted up to God, not knowing who it is or what they need exactly.

I wish I had the list from several days ago, when Joanna was at the top, but I did write those names down so I could pray for them again. There were 10 names: Joanna, Emily, Esther, Michael, Paul, J.P., Frank, Abe, Elianna, and one more which I can't remember right now. Now I remember. It was Margaret. And for some reason, it was Princess Margaret from England that was in mind. I've no idea why.

I then had names come to mind which included, two nights ago: Sarah, Mike, Esmerelda, Oscar, Trisha (I don't know any trishas), any Chris's, Alvaro, Angela or angels, and there were a few others but I can't remember.

This afternoon or early evening I prayed for: Angelina, Sarah (I knew who I had in mind here) and then a Christina.

Dennis as well. Janis. And Paul L.

Some names are for friends and others are not, but I pray anyway. God cares about all of them and they're all important.

The night of the void, or the rest, one strange thing happened.

I fell sound asleep and was absolutely out and sometime in the middle of the night, I woke up, feeling like someone's eyes were on me. I turned over and looked and directly in front of me, outside, was this extremely bright star but it wasn't a star, it was some kind of satellite. I watched it for about 10 minutes and then it just disappeared.

I didn't just wake up to nothing. It was like I was specifically awakened, somehow, out of sound sleep, to turn and see this. I don't know how to explain it. But it wasn't obscured by clouds or anything--it was fully there and then it wasn't. But I saw it and I watched and stared at it as long as it was visible and then it was gone. I know it was a satellite, it was too big to big a star, and stars don't fade or disappear, but by every appearance, it was still a star. It was a star and I woke up to see it.

What that means, I don't know.

Sometimes I've turned to find friendly eyes on me, and other times, it seems someone not so friendly. Why in the world I would wake to notice a satellite star is beyond me.

Several nights before that, I felt this draw or vibe and I went outside my hotel room and looked up at a point which was dark. There was absolutely nothing there, that I could see, but I kept looking. All of a sudden, a light came on and got brighter and then it was a small plane, like a private plane, taking off from the very point I first fixed my eyes on. I had no way of knowing anything was up there but then I saw it being revealed.

So that was sort of strange too. But it happened. We all heard the plane, and saw it, but I knew something was there before there was a light.

I also had the idea of "bumbleshoot" come to mind a couple days ago and I thought, what in the world is that.

I haven't had anymore visions or images or anything. Nothing coming to mind out of the blue at least.

I did have this whole idea come to my mind, about love and people of different countries, and who we may think is our enemy or not. I thought about how true love, isn't bound by nationality or country or religion, or creed, or anything. How God really loves people, no matter what their politics are.

I want to pray for my country more, but I also feel God's heart is for everyone, big or small, from every country and that no one is better than anyone else. Although I am a patriot and I have this vibe now, this positive strong energy that I think is from simple contemplation, I just believe in pure love. Not just romantic love, but in pure even agape love.

Sometimes someone is so out of control and killing or cruelly harming so many people, it may be necessary to protect the innocent and I believe in that. But I also wish for there to be conversions of heart with people, dictators, between the nations, and even here in Wenatchee. Of course I include myself.

Of course, when it comes to names and images, even my talk about Princess Margaret, and even my talk about satellites, planes, and stars, and books upside down, it could be that this is all fiction, as I've said before. The people who know me, and who it's intended for, know how to read between the lines and can discern. They know that I am a creative writer and that I enjoy combining different elements of fact and fiction to form a whole.

One thing I'll attest to as absolutely true--I prayed for our world's peace and economy and for the smallest voices to be heard.

I want to be a part of peace and I don't want to be someone to take sides except as it concerns my life and my son. I feel self-defense is justified, against cruelty, regardless of who one is. I would like to keep praying though, for peace for all people. I also know I'm supposed to be single right now and to devote myself to prayer and my own life and my son's life. If I am supposed to be with someone, this will be shown to me later and if not, I'll be single.

If everyone took every single thing I wrote literally or at face value, it would be a little bit nuts, but I have said, more than once, that I write creatively and this is a personal blog which shouldn't be taken seriously by the majority. Those who really know me, and who know who I write for, know what they need to know, and I love you and you're always in my thoughts.

Additionally, I prayed for any images I write about, to be taken as poetics and nothing more, or if it reaches someone and touches them, for them to know God cares.

On a very real note, I am making dinner for about 24 people and was going to do a fulll Italian meal but we're missing some of the ingredients. I was going to make lasanga with bread, salad, and I wanted to have wine-poached fruits but there is no wine allowed. And then I found out we've no lasanga noodles, ground beef, or mozarella, or ricotta cheese (though someone said one can substitute cottage cheese, I really wanted ricotta).

I decided to make dinners based on different cuisines from around the world. So one time I'll make all Italian, the next French, Ethiopian (if I can find that spongey bread), Chinese, etc. Today I was thinking about leeks! But I don't know which culture uses a lot of leeks. I want to do Indian too, and Middle Eastern. I think I've cooked from every culture before, in the past, except for Thai or a few other smaller Asian countries. Like Malay--I've no idea. But I'm going to go for full authenticity regardless of which country's cuisine I'm going with. American cuisine too. I also might try German and perhaps Russian and there was one other I wanted to try...Other women know how to make Latin American stuff so they've got that covered.

Thank you to those who have worked to protect me and my son. Thank you and you all know who you are. Thank you too, for those protecting others I love. I keep you in my thoughts and I'm glad you know me, even if vicariously, and that you believe in me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you on my knees, for what you've done and are doing. From my heart, from the depths of my heart and I don't even have any way to help or repay you or even know all the details, but I am indebted to you with a debt I could never repay. I hope someday I will be able to do something very good, in some way, to alleviate the burden and repay the good and the sacrifices. I know that there is nothing I could do or think of to do, to make it even worth it, but thank you everyone who has heard some of the smallest voices. Please forgive me for making my mistakes and not knowing who to trust and please forgive me for all of my failures. Forgive me for causing grief and sadness and not knowing what to do all the time. God bless you and I pray God will cause every single person to prosper in every way, and to be blessed with happiness as well, and peace, for all you have done and do. For anyone who cannot forgive themselves, I forgive you and God forgives you and that is all that matters. You have to forgive yourself too, and not blame yourself. Forgiveness is a gift and it's free. Please forgive me and forgive yourselves, if any of you feel you made mistakes, it is okay. As for me, don't be sad for me but stay lifted up and strong and know that I love all of you very, very, much and I know I have no idea how much has been done and how I can ever repay you. Thank you again. My son and I thank you and everything is going to be fine, no matter what. I know good can come from difficult situations. I know it's true. I am not worried. I am only indebted and I love all of you very much. Love conquers all. I consider your children to be my children and you are all in my heart, all of you who, some, I didn't even trust because I was afraid or didn't know who to turn to. I am going on and on but thank you. Please help me to know what to do to pull a ruby from a tree. To find the jewel in the dirt and to make it shine. I know there is a love story in my life, that involves a lot of people, and one day I hope to know all. I adore you. I have a family that extends beyond my own family and one that has believed in me even more. Love conquers all. Everything. If I can do anything to repay you, I know I will never be able to sufficiently. I have been wrong about a lot of things. God bless your families.

I have a very sad vibe right now. It's 8:23 P.M., PST.

River Collision

I had someone write in to say the passenger was found in the river. I didn't think they'd find him but it's still odd.

It's odd this accident occured, and that both people died.

I still think there's something weird about it, my personal opinion.

Fish and Red Crash (see last post)

whoever fish is, for more info, read last post.

I just read the news again and I forgot for a split second that Kathleen Walker died. I don't know why her name is familiar but it is. I read the passenger's name was Wooley. I don't know who this is but I don't have a first name either.

I don't believe the passenger, that man, will ever be found. I don't believe it. I think he will be in some kind of protective custody or he went into hiding.

Clarified, and Colombia & Canada (Fish and Crash)

Anyway, I just wrote a lot of stuff and it wasn't true. I'll write out what I really "saw" last night.

The other stuff I wrote was made up, but I have something I wrote last night which described what I actually saw last night. It wasn't anything except something about the heart of Mary.

I saved it last night while still in Safeway. I wrote it and saved it and I'll post it here. The only thing that I got which was weird, was heart palpitations and then something about a heart but I don't know if it's accurate or not. I'll copy and paste what I wrote last night, here:

"Tonight I saw a flash of the immaculate heart of Mary but I think it’s because I was reading this today. I didn’t blog about it bc it would sound like I made it up or too weird.

I saw a lot of people encouraging me today and different colors for whatever reason. I noticed blue because of Mary, and then I also noticed a TON of purple and yellow. I think purple and yellow are also maybe Mary colors."

"and I had that flash of Mary’s heart. It wasn’t the way it is in photos totally, so I wondered at first. I could see roses, which made me think about the roses from this boy I mentioned earlier tonight so at first I thought it was just about that. But it was more of a golden aura sort of thing and then I saw the fire again. The MOST bizarre thing was that in the photos, the fire is grouped together in the same way I saw when I saw just fire the other night. It looked exactly the same. I mean, the shape or something of the blaze. I saw nothing else except fire the other night, but tonight, about 15 minutes ago or so, I was lying in bed and everyone was sleeping and I couldn’t sleep. All of a sudden, all I could see was this flash of light and roses and then right after that, a HEART with fire around it. I almost didn’t believe it bc I saw pictures today and already know what it looks like and then the roses I thought might be from my imagination bc I talked about the boy who gave me roses tonight. Today was the first day I said one small prayer to Mary. I don’t know why, but just in case, or to see if it meant anything. I think this had something to do with the strong vibe I got. I don’t think it’s really a “vision” but an image like I’ve always called these things, but I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking about hearts and Mary tonight."

"I think it was kind of a Mary day today though. I think there must be a TON, well, a few catholics in town because they were all wearing blue, not like gang color blue but different, and then also purple and yellow. I noticed a few pink and green too, which made me think about roses. Maybe I just had roses on the brain today. I don’t know why I notice colors. I had a couple of nods and one person thanked me for writing about Mary. He said, “thank you” and I think he was a monk or religious man. I’ve known a few in my life, and that guy I just “knew” was religious.

I also noticed, actually, a lot of black and white and some red today. Everyone was pretty much friendly. I didn’t get a bad vibe from anybody wearing any of the colors."

"I am seriously starting to think my soul mate is jesus. Which is maybe odd, but I thought about it and the thing is, the verse “I am my beloveds and my beloved’s is mine” kept coming to mind. I know that this phrase is a VOW taken by nuns or sisters before they accept their post or whatever. Because they have a wedding or something and they QUOTE this exact verse. So that freaked me out but it did come to mind. The other verse that came to mind was one about, “He leads me beside the still waters and restores my soul” and I thought about this in how I got depressed today after I left this one place and was walking back and didn’t have a job. I mean, I sort of do, but I also don’t. So I got depressed about not working today and having to walk back to the house like that. I blogged about it. Then I got to safeway and I blogged that I had a good vibe but I got really depressed about the stupid computer games, even though I joked and laughed and played it off. I felt the strong good vibe only after I prayed to Mary about what this was all about. I felt the strong vibe for a long time, and just knew it was the prayer and the prayers of others. I looked at the time and realized it is the time for prayer for many monks at monasteries but I don’t know about nuns, if they have the same schedule. Otherwise, I felt nothing. I didn’t feel any kind of connection to anyone, not while conversing with people online either. It was just after I prayed to Mary for the first time and that was it."

"There is no one for me and I’ve never met my real soul mate. I know for a fact that the good vibe comes with prayer and that’s it and the bad vibe is probably just depression from not working today."
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That is all cut and paste from yesterday. I wrote it earlier last night.

Anyway, I guess I like to mix things up a little bit, because not everything I have ever written has always been meant to be taken seriously. I told my ex this and he always knew that I was telling the truth. So he never took it seriously and he also knew I wasn't nuts. He just thought I needed my son.

A few others know, too. But that's what I don't like. I don't like it when people think every single thing I write should be like the Bible or an absolute reflection of who I am or what I do.

Sorry. But what else am I supposed to tell the counselor when she asks?

I've already tried to explain that my blog is a mix of things but some people take it totally serious, like I mean every single thing I write. The one thing I will swear is true is that I did see the fire thing and then I did see the Mary thing. But I don't know if the mary heart is a figment of my imagination. It might be. Because why I don't know is that I saw a photo earlier.
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Anyway, I was thinking about some things and I miss the culture of Colombia a lot. I miss how they are so polite, well-mannered, and their children are all the same way. I wrote something and then erased it because I don't know how to say it right.

I think I am to never marry maybe. I think that's what held me back, but I also know that I miss the Colombians and was just thinking about it this morning.

I was thinking, I didn't have weird stuff except music stuff going on there. No one harassed me or was mean although I know nothing was perfect. They were sophisticated, all of them.

Alvaro believed in me, and said so. He thought there was nothing wrong with me except that I didn't have my son.

I remember thinking it would be good for my son to be raised in the manner they raise their children. In general, as a whole group, I think about them and miss being in their company. I don't know this is my destiny, but I do miss many things.

But I don't miss Alvaro in the sense that I think he's my soulmate. I don't think I have one. I don't miss anyone in that way at all. I just know I've cared about all my exes and then never felt there was one in particular that I should marry.

I felt it was more like I was supposed to just go on and try to do things on my own. So this is why I think and wonder if I am just supposed to be single forever and celibate and try something totally different.

For whatever reason, the Colombians came to mind this morning and I realized I really missed their company. I didn't know that I should be with Alvaro, but I know that I thought about where I was in life and how warm and affectionate they were, with open arms, and I missed the parties and dances and things. I saw myself in that culture far more than my own even. I was bored with regular and they liked doing things I like to do. But when I thought about actual marriage, I got cold feet just because I thought there might be something else for me, like, who knows, single forever.

The thing is, I felt very safe with them. No harm came to me although some things were different. I felt they looked out for me. Very reliable too, from all I could see. I just miss this.

When I was saying a list of names the other day Joanna came to mind and I think this is a really important woman. I think there was a Joanna who was from Colombia but I can't remember. I just know it was important for some reason. So I lifted her up for prayer and blessing. I really cannot remember who Joanna was though. I feel like I met her but no face came to mind.

I had a lot of names come to mind, but the one which stood out over and over was Joanna.
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good prayer vibe right now, very strong. almost 2:00 p.m. PST. It was very strong while I was on the computer yesterday too. I think it was because I had just prayed but it was strong. I was depressed and then not but I'd prayed and nothing alters this...not music, not conversation...if it's real, nothing touches or changes it and it's not a mood. It's a state of feeling overwhelmed with prayer or love and I think it's picking up on prayer.

For a short moment, I felt like something just lifted. Like there was a lot of danger and something very serious and then it just lifted.

And then, a short while later, I began to feel the strong prayer vibe.

I don't know, it sounds weird but who cares.

I am sort of playing with the blog thing today. It's "Choose Your Own Adventure Day".

Which means, except for the marian image I had, anything and everything I write is just a test. Oh, and the vibe is true too. I also am serious about missing the colombians because I do. They had good manners. That may sound odd, but it is true. Very gentile but still rough enough around the corners to have fun with. There wasn't a lot of pretense when it came to having fun at a party. They just wanted everyone to have a good time and there were no judgement calls. And young or old, it didn't matter what your age was, if you liked music, you could dance. The women, in general, were also warm. There didn't seem to be as much cattiness for some reason. Women tolerated eachother and weren't jealous if another one was prettier or thinner. It didn't matter. Fat was beautiful, thin was beautiful--there was a larger norm. You didn't have to be blond, blue-eyed, skinny, with huge boobs. It wasn't one size fits all.

But again, I'm not saying that this is where I'm meant to be. I think it wasn't my course for whatever reason. If I ever found out anyone in government was involved in that whole thing, I would say I should be paid for my time. I remember being very pissed one night when Alvaro said, "So, at least you can say it was a good experience?" I looked at him, glowering and said, "NO. No, I wouldn't say this was just some kind of 'good experience'. I would call this a hump and dump if you ask me." We were at the drugstore and he's trying to be chipper and I don't know how he managed chipper when we were there for the 50th time to get my medications for my ongoing physical problems. He was all up and trying to make the most of the situation as I'm no fun and in pain and just waiting around for the pharmacist to fill my meds while he's staring at that beeyatch country singer who is so beautiful. Taylor whatshername. I noticed. "You think she's pretty?" and he said, "I don't know." He was staring at Taylor more than the other magazine cover so I was noticing. He was really working the "So you had fun right? Good experience right?" angle of things with me and I didn't like it. Trying to get off too easy I think. All he meant by experience was that he'd introduced me to a lot of new things. The loving part was different. I should write about some of our conversations--they were pretty funny, some of them.

I was thinking about not marrying right away so that was back East and that was the contention. But then I decided I would,, but I got cold feet because I didn't know for sure if I was to ever marry anyone at all. I just thought I was supposed to be single.
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I would like to know why I keep getting the freaky messages at the DSHS offices. Maple leaf paper napkins positioned next to a Jack-o-lantern card and then a card with 3 spades of diamonds. That jack o lantern and sleepy hollow stuff has been used on me for a long time. I kept seeing stuff about 3 lately too and I had one person imply it was lives or votes with a particular group or something. So someone left two cards, one with jack o lantern and another with 3 diamonds and put the maple leaf paper napkins right above it. That was on Monday. Then, on Wednesday, someone put a message with maple leaf paper napkins above the chair and had a truck turned over, like an accident. Always, it was the maple leaf paper towels above the intended message. I didn't know if it was a message from Canada, about impending danger, or a warning from Canada, to be on the look out for something to happen, or if someone was just trying to mess with me.

But first, it was three yellow diamonds on a "3" card. Then, it was a yellow truck that was turned over, implying an accident or collision.

What I thought was sort of odd is how my name has been associated with "Red" over here and then there have been TONS of references to "fish" implying some man in particular. I don't know who. But then all of a sudden, there is this semi truck crash on the Beebe bridge and it's boxes of Red Delicious in trout fish boxes.

It freaked me out.

WHO is "fish"? and why am I "red"? and WHY would that crash occur on the "bebe" bridge KILLING SOMEONE, and why would someone want to get this message out to so many people?

Who the HELL is "fish" supposed to be? Billy the fish?! and who is billy the fish supposed to be? the only one i've ever heard of is prince william, that this is nickname for him.

I have people ALL OVER town, referring to me as "Red" and using symbolic things or names with "red" in it, to refer to ME. Then, there's been a big FISH theme, with people joking about fish this and fish that, and something's fishy and then top secret stuff, with songs like "the billy bounce" so I've heard billy and fish referred to in the same sentences.

Then a big truck crash on front page news, intended perhaps for front page news, with...actually, we don't know that anyone died, do we?

All we know is that one woman survived and the other guy can't be found. If the guy can't be found, he could be faking his own death or trying to disappear, or purposefully caused this accident to get a message out.

I have never thought Prince William is in on this. Believe me. I don't even know a William or a Billy except my cousin Billy and I haven't seen Will Wagler for years, at least a decade. I don't think Prince William, were he trying to help...I don't think he'd, I don't know.

But if he did, it would explain why a lot of people from England, Scotland, and other European countries were interested in me on the East Coast and also later. It would also explain why some seemed to not like me. And all the private dances that seemed to be tailored to me, and then music and other things which were so secretive. It would also be maybe one thing some people from a lot of countries wouldn't like perhaps. Might even want to kill me over because I was confused about why so many international people were interested in me. Some wanted me dead. It's sort of the only thing I can imagine anyone might kill me over but that doesn't make any sense at all.

I still don't know who "fish" is supposed to be, but I think that collision was intended to be a message. I even recognized the name of kathleen walker but I don't where from. I can't remember. And then her partner hasn't been found which may mean he didn't die and is in hiding but tried to put out a big message on purpose.

I had my own problems first sure, but maybe someone is trying to punish someone they think was trying to help me, or they're trying to "get to" someone who goes by "fish".

No one is ever going to find that passenger. Mark my words.

"red" and "fish" on the baby bridge. yeah, point taken. and noted, the guy who is missing had the last name "wooley" which is a total coincidence i know but it made me think about my poem about the empressario, and how i wrote that i didn't want to "pull wool to make something out of it" (correar) but that my destiny was to sing. if i were wooley, and not in on it, i would get the hell OUT too!

i would bet good money they will NEVER find wooley.

But I think a group with a lot of money has been into a major mind game.

So yeah, sounds nuts, but some people know I'm not.

Work! (Update and Need to Pray Vibe)

Well, I think I have a couple of different options now. Still have the one, possibly, but a couple other things opened up so I may be able to get in and start working as early as next week.

I've filled out so many apps and sent in a lot of resumes, pero nada. There is one position I really want though, and we'll see if it works out. It would be rewarding work to say the least, even if difficult. The other options are just basic things.

But I'll let everyone know after I'm actually there and working for awhile. Or, I might just state I got hired and that's it.

This has been very difficult and it's not for lack of effort. I tried to fill out for unemployment again, just in case, but hopefully something will turn up.
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I walked out at about 5:10-15 PST I think and felt this horrible and very deep sadness. I still feel it. I don't know what's going on in the world, but it was so strong I almost felt like kneeling down on the sidewalk to pray. Instead of course, I kept walking and prayed a little in my mind. I almost started to cry I felt it so strongly but some very good things just happened too.

I have made so many contacts today with job openings and possibilities, I feel very sure I will be hired by next week. I wish there wasn't Labor Day so I could go out to a couple more interviews on Monday.

I almost feel like my son is in a cage or something. Something isn't okay. I will call about my son this evening and make sure he's fine. I mean a figurative cage of course.

But I am extremely burdened in my heart. It's now about 5:40 PST or so and I just know there is something to pray for but I don't know what it is.

I have about 3 or 4 positions which recently opened up and they want to hire right away and were positive about it. The one job I was hired for, it turns out it wouldn't start until a little later and I have to call tomorrow to find hours out or schedule. It's just a college kids going back to school thing. So it's sort of like I already have the job but he doesn't know how many hours and then I just decided to keep interviewing anyway because I may want to do something different.

So, really, I have a job but haven't started but because I don't know about hours and everything, I'm looking at other things. I'd take more than one job anyway. A couple are in semi-medical fields so they would be good to have for nursing if I enter this program.

It is now 7:45 P.M. PST and I'm updating. Strong prayer vibe right now. Somewhere there are people praying. I can tell there is a lot of prayer.

I was thinking about that Song of Songs passage just now. Thinking about it's application to Jesus and the Church, or bride.

"I am my beloved's and he is mine." And then my mind goes to another verse about "He leads me beside still waters and restores my soul." I can feel the very srong prayers of so many people and I'm thankful for them. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and for praying for me.

I was thinking about some different scriptures when I sensed this stronger energy, and thinking about some of the better things that have happened, and then it hit me. I think I first noticed this energy deal when I was about 10 years old or so. It was just a feeling I had when I talked to God or felt his presence. It was something I noticed when I sent up my prayers to Him in fire after writing them down in letters. Then, I would notice it at church or while praying communally with others. It just comes and goes, really. I used to tell God how much I loved him and thank him for small things, like roses outside, and this one time, right after I was thanking Him for this, I walked out on the porch and there were all these roses, from an 11 year old boy across the street with a simple note that they were from him. They were the very same roses. The exact same ones I'd been thanking God for. That is probably one of the most suprising things that's ever happened to me, where I felt almost that God had heard me.

I know I can do this, get off of the ground. I know all things are possible, to those who believe. And I believe this is possible, that good things will return and that there are very good things in store for others, some who I don't even know.

Oh! and by the way, thanks to the different people whom I've seen in town who sort of encouraged me today and smiled or nodded or were just friendly, and who even sat down next to me. Thank you! It lifted my spirits.