Bear: Keys to My Heart

Hello Little Bear,

Don't worry. Don't let them get you down. You will be stronger than I am one day, wiser, and I believe you are going to do great things. My heart was broken today, for you. And yet, I am stronger and wiser than I have ever been, because of you. Yesterday was my birthday. All I could think of was that you are the best present, and I thanked God for every day with you. Tonight, you saw the moon, round and full, after searching for the moon for the last few nights. When it caught your eye, you shook with excitement, wiggling your legs (sort of jumping) and pointing to it, looking at me and saying, "Moooon!"

You know the moon is special. I remember exactly how the moon looked when I made a wish. I didn't wish on a star. I made a wish to the moon. Your grandmother loves the moon, and used to take long evening walks by the light of the moon, until she had to use a cane. She loves the night, as do I. I also used to go running at night, wrapped in the darkness, close to the center, invisible to the world, free and unafraid. The last time there was a full moon, we were at Granny & Grandpa's, and you, me, and Granny, admired the moon from inside and then walked outside to the garden and basked in the nightglow.

You are so alive. Today you picked up a pen with fake flowers on the end, at the courthouse, and you inhaled deeply. Silly. You looked at me and smiled. In a fairytale, I can imagine you would bring such things to life by your charm.

I noticed, today, that you held the car keys the same way I do, with a thumb and forefinger around the main VW key for the car, letting the rest of the keys fall slack. You must have noticed that whenever I grab the keys, I take hold of the car key and have it pointed in my hand. You've noticed! You wanted to do it the right way, just like mama does it.

Ever since you've watched The Indian in the Cupboard, you have been trying to insert keys and other stick-like objects, into keyholes. You try to unlock doors of all kinds, and open and shut doors to see whether something changes when you do. I think you believe there really is such magic, that by turning a key, something will come to life after you open the door. You watched that movie all the time at first...absolutely loved it. I had to fastfoward past two death and shooting scenes. Once, I forgot about one of the scenes, and you came over to me. I was right about which scenes would bother you. You didn't cry--you just came over to me with your thumb in your mouth and wanted to hold my hand. You did this today in the courthouse too, after you witnessed a judge harass your mama, and YOU. This judge thought you had "quieted" down but I knew better. Your eyes were wide, and you stared at the judge, with your thumb in mouth and hand curled around my finger, stroking my finger for reassurance.

I bought a kareoke machine for you which has two microphones on it, about a month ago. One of your favorite games is to play music and then you grab a microphone and I grab the other one, and we sing along. You tend to put it in your mouth and make the noise, and then you laugh out loud loudly. It gets you giggling, and I laugh too.

When we go swimming, you are secure enough now, to stand from the side and then free-fall jump into my arms. At first you were nervous, but I always caught you. You have no fear anymore.

I will always catch you, protect you, laugh with you, comfort you, play with you, sing with you...And your mother, will outsmart the fox that tries to steal you from the nest. I will run when we need to run, fight when we need to fight, and I will always stand up for YOU and YOUR RIGHTS. I am your mama and you are mine.

Most people can see something different about you. You are well-adjusted, happy, secure, free, and intelligent. You kiss the little white rat, at the preschool, carefully on the nose, and everyday you shower your kitty cat with attention, love, and play. Today, you were happily helping a woman, at the courthouse before a hearing, open the door by pressing the handicapped button, and then you helped her with the elevator by pressing that button. When I was near and no one else was around, you didn't press the handicapped button for the door. I was sitting down and not going anywhere. But as soon as this woman came up, walking towards the door, with clear intentions of going through, you ran over and pressed the button for her.

I love you sweetie. You are patient, and you have the biggest heart of anyone I know. I am glad you also have a little bit of fire (at 1 1/2 years!) because some people will be jealous of the recognition of your good character, and of your good looks, intelligence, and kindness. You are a leader.

Love you,