I had someone tell me today that what I was saying wasn't normal and that I should know because I am "intelligent". Thanks for the compliment. If I were nuts, I would blindly believe weird stuff, and think everyone else did too, or should. That's not the case. For someone outside of these experiences, I would question anyone who readily accepted what I'm describing. There are others that do understand. I talked to someone who knew personally about "ears" that go onto vans or the inside of a car which can pick up conversations, and which have been used in the Eastern Bloc to cause reproductive cancers after about 5-6 years exposure. It's microwave technology and this person said the FBI had better equipment than that. He didn't know how someone could get the battery operated toys to go play, or get onto a desktop without an internet/phone connection, but the other computer tech did. So these things are possible, and when I see these things happening in front of me, on my computers, which I've documented, and feel what's happening and see what's happened to my son, to know it's possible and not draw a conclusion given the evidence I have would be an idiot.
I had to go to ER after writing the last post. I was feeling okay except that weird deep ache started to come in, which affects my lower back, thighs down to my knees, pelvis bones and spine. It's not consistent with my pain symptoms, which usually are controlled just fine by my medication (Percocet). This is different. I could take a ton of narcotics and it still wouldn't touch this pain, and OTC meds don't help either--I've tried. I was starting to get confused writing too, and lost focus and figured I was too tired and hurting, so it was time to stop. I went to bed. I and my son were both having light twitching but nothing bad. He didn't wake up. Then, I felt extreme back, pelvis and spine pain. I can really feel it in the joints where the legs join the hips. It was so bad I got up to take a pain pill, and when I stood up I almost passed out. I was very, very near blacking out.
I have a son so that scared me. I tried widening my eyes and to breathe deeply and keep focused. I walked back and forth which helped more than standing still. I felt nauseous, weak, and was trying to keep the dizziness away. I drank some water but felt sick, but then I thought maybe I had low blood sugar so ate a few raisins. But after 5 minutes passed and I was still not well, I decided to call an ambulance. I was so weak then I couldn't have driven if I'd wanted to, and too dizzy. And I was scared. This is the 3rd time in the last few days that this has happened, where out of the blue, I feel a sudden extreme pain and then almost black out instantly and instead stumble about feeling dazed, weak, and nauseous. In the ambulance, I felt too tired and weak to talk. The weakness settled in more after the initial near passing out. He did a blood sugar test and it was fine. I was confused because I thought maybe I was diabetic or something. The first 2 times I almost passed out, I calmed myseld down, took a pain pill, and laid down. I wasn't up that late the other times, but it's always happened at night, sort of about every 12 hours lately. I had started to think, because I noticed an 8-12 hour timeframe, that it was my "not-really-narcotics" again. I thought it was wearing off. I feel a crackly sensation in my head and my eyes feel weird, right after a surge of pain, and then I'm dizzy and feel sick and weak. The crackling sound continues. It's like a med is wearing off, I thought. Because I feel the pain suddenly, all 3 times this has happened I've wondered if these aren't narcotics but Neurontin with a timeframe for wearing off. But I'm wondering if it's radiation or some kind of stun gun too. I get tingling in my fingers/hands and around my mouth, but the doctor at ER said it was because I was hyperventilating.
This has actually happened in the last few months, but intespersed with that horrendous period of pain so I couldn't notice as much. In the last few days I've noticed because I'd been starting to feel better and get my energy back. So I notice the odd pain when it returns.
My heart races too, though, and palpitates. It was doing this at the ER. All my vitals were good, blood and urine "clean", and the only thing was that my potassium was abnormally low, phosphate is abnormally low, and my WBC was low. The glucose is fine now. But the other stuff is linked to outcomes of radiation. Of course, my first thought was, "Yep. Radiation." And I thought again about the sudden almost-passed out incidences. I almost couldn't call ER this time. I was worried if I didn't call this time, the next time I would be passed out cold with no way to call for help and my son needing me.
Right now I feel very weak still. And that old weird aching pain is back but has subsided. If I'm really not on a different med, and everyone says NO WAY, then I can't think of another explanation.
I was afraid to go home actually. This is the first time I've been afraid for my life. What can I do if I pass out cold? And this is very strange, too. I felt better at the ER, and both me and my son had almost zero twitching and spasms, and my nausea went away. When I got back home this morning I started feeling a little nauseous again but it may be in my head. I'm very good at figuring out my pain, but I can also give and take if I'm unsure of something. I just feel very weak, sore/achey in my leg joints (knees and leg-to-hip areas. They gave me some potassium there and I laid down and started to sleep with my son a bit. My heart rate became regular and I focused on calming down. I WAS hyperventilating but I tried to explain to him that while I WAS hyperventilating and getting worked up, I hadn't worked myself up to feeling like passing out. I actually appreciated that he seemed to believe me this time. They don't always believe me, but I appreciated this, and I said I understood I was hyperventilating too and I'd try to control it.
I thought about moving. I even thought about waving a white flag, and writing a post saying: "I give up! You win! I won't tell anyone anything and your secrets are all safe if you will quit harming me and my son!" Which would really sound nuts because no one else would know what I'm talking about.
I asked the nurse if there was something I could use at home, in case of emergency, if I couldn't make it to the phone. Like the LifeSupport thing or whatever, where you just press a button for help. I'm concerned it may happen again as there is no health reason for this, on my end. I almost couldn't call this time.
My son has done some contorting and crying of his own, and can't stop. He was hysterical last night (before I felt like passing out) and it seemed his tummy bothered him. I held him and nothing consoled him. Then I got a phone call while my son was crying uncontrollably. No one was on the other end. I said "Hello?" several times and no one answered, but there was no click or dial tone. I hung up.
This was right after my car broke down AGAIN last night. It was the timing belt, I could feel it, which was just fixed and brand new. I believe someone did something to it while I was distracted, playing with my son at McDonald's last night (earlier in the evening). I saw a couple cars parked real close to my car at weird angles--like, why did they have to be lined up by eachother and so close to my car. And there was a man there who gave me a bad feeling. At one point, he watched while I played with my son and he went out of the room and watched behind the glass, talking on a cell phone and it was clear he was talking about me. He knew who I was but I didn't know who he was.
I had to go to ER again. Twice in the same day. First for almost passing out, and then second because I started getting this crackling pressure or loss of pressure in my head, which I can kind of hear (which happens when I take narcotics for migraines sometimes but this was different) and was extremely weak, in pain with the lower body ache, and extremely nauseous. I almost threw up.
The doctor acted like there was something wrong with me for thinking my "Percocet" maybe wasn't really my Percocet. I don't know why he would think it's so odd--THIS hospital has, at least 3 times, given me shots telling me they were one thing and then I later found out it was something else. That's not legal either, and they did it. I would go in for migraine treatment, and if it's bad enough for ER I need morphine or demerol usually to kill it, and they would TELL me they were giving me this but give me Vistaril or Benedryl instead. I knew because it didn't work and they had me leave right after giving the shot, and then I would get my records and find out they lied to me.
People lie.
Things are not always what they seem to be.
Truth is often stranger than fiction.
The Truth Will Set You Free...Is that true? Or does the Truth sometimes bind people and put them in a dangerous position. I have told the truth and am accused of being nuts, and those who know I'm NOT nuts, get a shark snack and lick their lips.
My eyes have been opened. You think things are not possible or don't happen, and there are some very complicated and illegal, or weird things that do happen. I really don't care if 95% of the general population thinks I'm nuts, because the 5% or less that can relate knows I'm on the right page and that I've got it right. It's just that I'm coming out and saying it, while most people wouldn't say anything out of fear of being called nuts. I have a lot to fear--I've had people make threats to CPS 5 times, to try to take my son from me and cause both me and my son distress. The only thing that keeps me going is God.
I found a little pocket memo book from the time I first got involved with the Mt. Angel Abbey Seminary and monastery. Right before this or during this time, I was also visiting an Orthodox Jewish church to learn more. I copied, in the second page of this book, this verse:
"The proud have forged a lie against me: but I will keep thy precepts with my whole heart. Their heart is as fat as grease: but I delight in thy law. It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn they statutes. The law of thy mouth is better to me than thousands of gold and silver." --Psalm 119:69-72
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