1995.
Mike Nichols asked me out a few times. He overheard me complain that no one went to see foreign films and asked me to see a foreign or independent film at the KOIN theater in Portland, Oregon. I agreed to go but got lost or forgot. I think I forgot and stood him up. Mike was a tough read. Sometimes I was positive he was head over heels for me, because he would blush when he saw me, and then there were a few times I thought he didn't like me at all. I really liked Mike. He started working for Incredible Universe, I believe, sometime after I did, and I thought he stood out. He was always watching me, so I used to tease him. Then one day, I decided that I had missed the boat on going to Nashville with Sarah. She wasn't famous yet and I hadn't heard about her, but I wanted to try singing too and thought I would follow in her footsteps. I was connected to a name in Nashville, through the Brian Parker family: Jodi Harmon. So one day I was eating lunch with Mike and I said to him, as I was saying to everyone and anyone at the store: "I'm moving to Nashville; wanna come?" or something like that. Of course, everyone said no. Except Mike. He looked at me and without a blink, said calmly, "Sure."
I looked at him again. "Huh?" And he said yes. So we were going to Nashville. I didn't want to be a country singer, I wanted to do folk-rock, but I figured all music roads lead to Nashville.
Mike said yes and then my best friend Monica said yes. So it was the three of us. I was spearheading the trip, and planned to go over to Las Vegas for cheap room and board and then cut over to a fun Route 66 trip, up to Nashville. It was a true roadtrip. I met Mike's family at a dinner beforehand and they asked about our plans. I drove a little VW Dodge and we packed it full. I didn't know know Mike played classical guitar and was accomplished at it. He didn't tell me. He had asked me what I was reading and I told him I had glanced at something called The Rise and Fall of Nazi Germany or something. He took a copy with him.
I asked him why he was coming along. He said he'd been adopted and wanted to find his birth parents, and thought he'd go to Nashville and then over to Canada from there. There was something in Canada for him, maybe his parents? or he just wanted to go there? He didn't appreciate how his Dad, a lawyer in Portland or Lake Oswego, treated his mom (adoptive parents) and he thought his mom was a doormat, always taking him back and refusing to remarry. Other than that, I knew he had lots of brothers and sisters and he was close to a sister or two. He sold his car and we all quit our jobs. I had a crush on Mike and I could tell he did of me too. I wondered what was going to happen for us if we were all moving together. It crossed my mind that we were heading towards a serious relationship. Mike and I were opposites (introvert/extrovert) and yet we had some things in common too.
I don't remember which day the accident was. I don't remember if we were driving for only one or two days, but I think it was on the 2nd day that we had the accident. We stayed one night in a hotel and Mike had one Queen bed and Monica and I shared the other. He really kept to himself, I was a little surprised. The next day we were in Nevada and I had a sick feeling that something was wrong. Actually, before the trip began, I had kind of a sick feeling like we shouldn't go, but I couldn't back out last minute on everyone.
I played "I'm A Thousand Miles From Nowhere" many times on the stereo while we were in Nevada. The day was clear, sunny, and the road stretched for miles on end. I had to use the bathroom and there wasn't one in sight. We saw a trailer alongside the road and pulled over. It was a brothel. I didn't care. I had to use the bathroom. So the woman let us all in, telling us "the girls" were off work then and gave us a tour. We left with bumper stickers, buttons, and other souveneers of the brothel. We were back on the road and I really began to feel sick and very, very, wrong. It was a feeling of deep dread or something, and I felt fear. It was completely unrational and without explanation. But I said out loud that we hadn't prayed for our safety on the trip yet. I wanted to pray together, out loud. Mike didn't want to so Monica and I prayed. Mike seemed a little bothered. I still had the bad feeling, but felt I had done what I could do. I told everyone about this feeling. Then Monica thought maybe I should eat something.
First I asked Mike to slow down several times. I was feeling like something was wrong and then saw he was speeding. And he'd been driving a long time. I told him I wanted him to pull over, and I wanted to drive. He wouldn't pull over. I kept asking him to slow down and he would at first, and then got up to speed again. Which was 80 mph. I told everyone that no one was to go over 70 mph in the car. So I asked him again to let me drive. I said he seemed a little tired and he HAD been the one driving most of the way. I decided to get the fortune cookies because we were hungry and Monica wanted some too. We had a big bag of fortune cookies from Costco.
I told everyone I had to take my seatbelt off for a minute to reach them. Mike was driving, Monica was in the passenger's side, and I was sitting in the back behind Mike, with stuff piled up next to me on the right. I took my seatbelt off, got the cookies, and was giving Monica one when she said pointed to something out the window. Mike looked and we started to go off the road to the right. I thought the car would just go down to the sagebrush and we could get back up, but the next thing that happened, is Mike steered back and the car began to roll. I only remember the first roll and hearing the sound of breaking glass. But they say the car rolled further than the length of a football field.
When it stopped, the car was upright. Only Monica was conscious. I was fading in and out. I could hear Mike's labored breathing but I don't remember hearing Monica screaming for help and she says she did. All I could hear was Mike's breathing. It sounded heavy and raspy. A truckdriver was going through and the guy had a cellphone and called for an ambulance. It took the ambulance 45 minutes to reach the car. I remember feeling extremely cold when I was awake and getting colder. It was pitch black out. I could hear machines cutting the top of the car roof off. Monica somehow got out with a broken foot. Mike was either dead by the time the ambulance got there, or died in the ambulance, they say from head or stomach injuries. I had a severe head injury and broken neck and arm but no one knew at first. I remember being very frank and snappy while in shock. Monica was in the ambulance with me and couldn't stop talking and I wanted her to shut up. I made wisecracks with her and the ambulance guy. I couldn't get warm until they gave me a shot of something. Once at the hospital, the nurses were so anxious. I knew I might be dying. I asked a nurse if I was and she wouldn't say, she just handed me the phone to speak to my parents. I told everyone I loved them and was sorry for not being nicer all the time. The only thing that matters when you're at death's door, I know, is relationships. Nothing else matters. Not money, success, power, dreams...
I thought about my relationship with God too and asked for forgiveness for any sin I might have and told Him if He allowed me to live I would live differently, given a second chance. I told the nurse I felt tingling in my leg and when they pricked it I couldn't feel anything. They pricked it again later and I was losing movement and sensation. They were worried about blood pooling in my brain so they life-flighted me to the University of Utah hospital, where they found a broken neck. I remember that life-flight because I fully believe I had the choice to die right then and there. I was so drowsy. I have never felt more compelled to sleep in all my life but I believed that if I closed my eyes, it would be forever. I forced myself, with everything in me, to stay awake until I was "safe" before a doctor having an operation. The flight people kept me talking too, when I was almost giving in. Once at the hospital, I still wouldn't allow myself to sleep. It took a doctor hours before they saw me, or took me to surgery, and I stayed awake until they hooked me up to the anasthesia. I asked them to let me pray first and I prayed for blessings on the nurses and doctors and thanked God for allowing me to learn to have more compassion for others, now that I was experiencing this--I understood how it felt to be in pain. They told me I might lose my voice because they had to go through my neck. I started to cry and told them I had been on the way to Nashville to sing.
The surgery was successful. They fused my neck with titanium, donor bone, and screws and removed what they could of bone fragment, though some of it was in my spine. I had shattered 4th and 5th vertebrae and an unstable 3rd vertebrae. They weren't concerned with the blood pooling and my neurology tests were good. I wasn't able to move my arm at all and I had weakened sensation and movement on the left side of my body but I was okay. They didn't put me in traction but I had to wear a hard collar for 3 months. My voice was unaffected by the surgery. They did an excellent job and did tell me I would have to have reconstructive neck surgery in 10-20 years.
While in intensive care, I was tired. I felt safe enough to sleep. I was annoyed when the team of doctors came around at 5 a.m. and woke me each day but said nothing until the 4th day and asked them to come back. They were surprised and sympathetic. I knew something was wrong with Mike but didn't know what. When I mentioned him, people got emotional and then I cut them off, saying, "Don't tell me. Don't tell me. I don't want to know right now." I didn't feel strong enough to handle the news. I thought maybe he was without legs or missing an arm or something. I had heard him breathing so I was sure he was alive but maimed. The entire time in the hospital I didn't want to know.
One of the nurses, a male nurse, was already making plans for his date with the patient. He came in to visit all the time and gave me his phone number and wanted me to go with him to Lake Tahoe, on a houseboat. I remember thinking he was nuts because my head was swollen like an overripe tomato, split and stinky besides, and I had bruises and cuts all over. It took a lot of stitches to mend my scalp and I know the OTHER medical professional wasn't very happy he had to do it.
I received some beautiful bouquets while in the hospital, some from people I barely knew. I learned about feeling alone while I was recovering because some of my closest friends didn't call, write, or send flowers, and yet people who barely knew me or were just simple friends, wrote and expressed sympathies.
At home, I was very alone except for my family and Monica. I had to lie in bed almost all day--too weak to do anything else. Eventually I made steps upstairs, and then to take a walk down the driveway and back. I finally got up to walking 3 miles a day, with my hard collar on. I had nothing else to do so I walked to the town library and back. That was my event. But people my age, and old friends, were working or in college and there was no one to visit. Robin was going to fly out to see me in the hospital, he said, but his mother wanted him to stay in college classes, which was probably wise. I probably would have fallen in love with him if he'd come out to see me then and it's better that never happened. I talked about what happened with Monica over and over. We had serious talking therapy between the two of us. We couldn't get enough of repeating the same things and it was healing. I don't think we would have recovered emotionally if we hadn't had eachother to share things with.
Not until I was at home and feeling a little bit settled did I allow someone to tell me how Mike was. And when they told me, I cried for days, by myself. In a way, I was glad he wasn't a quadriplegic because I couldn't see him happy that way. I wrote a song for him on my guitar, once I had finger strength to play. I played it for Robin and Monica and they cried. I forget parts of it now but I have it recorded on a tape.
"____ come with the morning sun
After the night is through
Flowers bloom after the Winter,
And light up a desolate room...
Chorus: And my heart will sing
with the beauty that comes after rain.
And my heart will sing,
with the beauty our Lord Jesus gave.
Then there's a verse about how his smile
was "lifted to light up the night"
The last verse is:
I'll see you someday in a tender glade,
smiling and whistling this tune.
I hope you'll say you remember the day,
I sang this song for you...
the refrain is: "And my heart will sing/with the beauty that comes after rain/And my heart will sing/with the beauty our Lord Jesus gave."
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