Cancer

Ever feel like you're right about something, and are then told you're wrong? and you doubt yourself and your intuition, and even the evidence, but you are forced to accept what someone is telling you, to be the truth? I care so deeply about the truth, in every form, for every situation, and yet this is one time in my life where I am willing to believe in a lie. Well, actually, a series of lies even, if necessary.

I started crying today, thinking my friend was dying of cancer, and suddenly, a lot of things seemed to be adding up. It made sense that he was pushing me away and acting confused, because he was dying--one minute he's so into me and even tells me he loves me and doesn't know why he's pushing me away, and then the next minute he acts like he can't stand me and he tells me I should find a "nice boyfriend". So, with such lousy instructions, with my caring for him and feeling hurt, I proceed to make out with a good looking guy I met down the road, after having a few drinks. It certaintly wasn't cheating or being unfaithful in any way, because I'm pushed back and forth in a mindgame, and all I did was kiss besides, which was GREAT. Thanks to Dillon. This was before my a.m. revelation of yesterday, that convinced me my friend has cancer. So the next morning, I read about symptoms of pancreatic cancer, and it hits me, all this information comes to me at once. It explains everything, I think.

He works in a field which makes cancer of this kind more likely. I noticed he was taking lots of antacids and had, well, D (bowel stuff) when I came to visit and say hello. So I asked him if he was a little sick and he said yes. No big deal, we all get indigestion and bugs. Then, I see him bent over with a backache that he says isn't helped by massage. He's leaning forward, and the symptoms say people with pancreatic cancer do this because abdominal pain radiates to the back and leaning forward helps. Then I hear him vomiting in the shower. I asked him about that and he brushes it off, and says oh yeah it was really bad that morning because he has a gag reflex when brushing his teeth. I hadn't heard him THAT morning, I was referring to the morning before, so I realized this must happen all the time. I totally dismissed it, but thought later that perhaps he was bulimic because it didn't just sound like gagging.

On top of this, he's been talking about cashing out his 401k. I thought it was just a financial strategy until I started putting symptoms together. He talk about a few dreams he has. He's also very moody but I figure it's all just his personality. Don't ask me why, because I've been very hurt by this, and his response to me, but I have still found I care about him. I really don't know why. When things are good, they're very good, I guess.

He also confided in me about something else I can't mention here or if anyone finds out, it just wouldn't be good. But it's a sort of life plan thing. Which, in the context of cancer, made me think this was why he was thinking about such matters.

I wrote about the back stuff and other symptoms, this morning. I don't think he reads my blog, but if so, and if he's kept it a secret from me, he would have known these were the only "signs" I saw, and would have time to come up with an excuse. I have known I could be totally wrong about everything, but I still don't know for sure, right? Well, I didn't write about one other thing I noticed...

So this morning, I'm sort of panicked and get ahold of him to tell him he has to see a doctor immediately. Then, all day at work, everything is "dawning" on me. I start thinking maybe he DOES care about me, but it's weird because he's dying. I think about the 401k and all things begin to form what I thought was a logical conclusion. I try not to cry all day at work. I think to myself that if this is part of the issue, if he would just let me know, I could work with and around everything. I would understand why sometimes he just wants to rest, or isn't in the mood, or isn't feeling well. I would be happy to be not even a romantic interest, but just a really good friend who he could trust to be supportive and not be freaked out or want to leave. I can handle the truth...if that's what the truth is...

Then, what made matters worse was that a coworker who is also a nurse asked me today if he was vomiting blood. I said I didn't know because I wasn't seeing what came out. But then I started thinking, and the memory and the mind is a wonderful thing, because I saw two flashes of photos and images which were stored in the back of my mind. I had cleaned blood out of the tub when I was trying to help out around his house, and wondered where it was from. It was a small splatter on the back of the tub. That was over a week ago, and then just yesterday I cleaned more blood off the cupboard in the bathroom, under the sink. I was wondering how it got there and thought it was kind of weird. It wasn't thin normal blood splatter either. It didn't dry maroon. It was different. A little thicker and not maroon. More orange to it than maroon. And it was blood, and he doesn't eat in the bathroom.

So now I'm reeeaaaally worried and thinking about how he said he had cancer and then took it back after I freaked out with a big "WHHHAAAaaT?!!!!!" He tells me he doesn't really have it, but just precursor markings of elevated levels which indicate he'll have it one day, and no one knows how long it might take.

It's sad to say, but I DID wonder briefly if he was just pulling a con and wanted me think he had something he didn't have. But then I figured this was unlikely.

I got home and looked up cancer of the pancreas and noted it can cause mood problems 2 years before it's even arrived, because the pancreas affects horomones and secretes them. So I'm thinking about this and wonder if this is affecting things for him on a purely biochemical level, and then I also read that there is NO PRECURSOR test for pancreatic cancer. By the time a person has elevated levels, they already have cancer. You can't have precursor stuff without the cancer. So then I'm thinking he definitely has cancer.

He got to the house, and I was there just to visit and met him ahead of time, and I'm trying not to cry. Instead of crying, I put on a good face and totally naturally said how I had a great day at work, and was upbeat. I asked about a movie he'd seen and we talked movies for awhile. I just thought I could keep it all in until it was the right moment. Well, I am terrible about choosing the right moment, because I had all this time to ask and talk to him, but it wasn't until after midnight that I began to feel so incredibly depressed (about both HIS life and my own life) that I called him up, waking him up, to ask the cancer question. Real nice and unselfish of me, I know, because I can't sleep, but I can't let the cancer guy sleep either and get needed rest...But I had to know.

So he's pissed off as hell, rightfully, and says no he doesn't and explains everything away. His back posture is from a normal aching back. He never vomits in the shower, he says, he only gags (I don't tell him I've found blood although I insist it doesn't sound like just gagging). The 401k is for normal reasons, nothing end-of-life.

I accept it. I say okay, and know he reaaaally doesn't like me now, and in that case, if he doesn't have cancer affecting his state of mind and confusing him, or affecting his horomone levels, I realize this guy has really just been playing mind games with me and isn't interested in me at all. I can handle that too, it just takes some adjustment. I simply realize there isn't going to be a chance for anything between us, and that I'm nothing more than an acquaintance who is disposable, and so I will then continue to be friendly and care about him, but from a more detached angle, and should feel free to date others and have no problems with his dating others (which I think he's done already anyway, and he explained another certain situation in a way which made me feel I'd rather just believe a lie than accept the truth over his objections and defenses).

He is SOoo angry that I thought he had cancer and yells at me. I explained it was a rational thought process, given the information he gave me, and the evidence I thought I witnessed (I still haven't told him how I noticed the blood).

The blood thing lingers. Everything sort of lingers. His moodiness, and some other things he and I discussed, are easily explained by cancer, but I have to throw that out. He says he does not have cancer and therefore he does NOT. He knows his medical history better than I do. He has a right to tell whomever he chooses about it. I'm certaintly not trying to out him, but to just write about a situation I've been faced with, which is unlike anything I've stared down before, or thought I was staring down.

If he reads this, I want him to get immediate care and the best possible care, and while I may not be someone "worth" living for, I wish I were, or could be. I would be the most supportive friend and I'm scared of death either, and I've never been. I'm okay with that. So, if it's a lie, I don't care as long as he fights it and fights it hard. If I am fucking out of my mind with worry over nothing, then I will be pissed myself, but who could blame me? I mean, what would anyone else think, in my shoes? I mean, if I'm totally wrong and not just perceptive, I guess I'm an idiot and forgive me for making a big deal out of nothing. It's one of those things where you feel really stupid, but at the same time, you're thinking, "How could I be so wrong about this?"

If someone wants to be in denial, or just wants to conceal things and keep it private, and lie to do so, when it comes to cancer, I can understand. I can also understand not telling me about having kids, and covering that with a lie, if you're divorced or separated and don't want to bring kids into things until knowing someone for awhile. If it's cheating, I don't hand out passes for that. No excuses. You're either upfront and "open" and find someone who approves of an "open relationship" if that's what you want to do, or you're checked out.

Cancer or not, I deserve someone who loves me, is into me, is willing to be unafraid and can be open with me, and who doesn't jerk me around without at least a very good explanation. I should also be able to feel it is okay to fall in love with someone. I shouldn't feel like sometimes the door is wide open, or someone is leading me through, and that other times, it's locked or will be shut in my face. If something is going to work AT ALL, there has to be a basic understanding and mutual trust, and give and take. And if cancer or some life threatening thing is part of the package, I don't think it's possible to conceal that and do any relationship justice because it affects things whether you like it or not. If someone is going back and forth though, and refuses to say this is part of the deal, and discuss what's going on, it's easier to believe a lie, that there are no good excuses. This is at least one thing anyone with cancer has absolute control over. Maybe they can't change what has happened to their body, but they still have absolute choice over their relationships, well, maybe not the other side and how people react, but at least in how they are approached and viewed. It's good to have control over our lives.

Interesting how the control dynamic changes though, in a relationship, depending upon the way we manage the issues. We are our own PR people and do damage control all the time, and we use healthy options for control, to keep ourselves and our relationships in the positions we feel are best for our and for others' lives.

I can't control what choices someone else makes, even if they may affect the way I see them or relate to them as a person, anymore than someone else can control me or control my choices. Control is also manipulated and framed by deceit or honesty. Any response to the truth is going to be different from a response to a lie. I believe it's almost always best to be honest. But I guess that's just me.