TTSOML #54: Family Response To Clergy Abuse

At this juncture, my family didn't agree with my protesting, or understand it exactly, but they did know I hadn't done anything wrong and that I had been slandered. They also knew I wasn't trying to seduce a monk because I talked to them about my concerns regarding his advances, and my confusion over this with the combination of his counseling.

At first, in fact, I was so close to converting to Catholicism myself, my own father was considering Catholicism as well. We had several discussions about it and about early church history and he was interested in my opinions.

I was still sufficiently religious and outspoken about it, for my family to think highly of me. Our relationships unravelled with their increasing doubt as to my position on the stairway to heaven, as after the problems with the Abbey and what they did, I was too traumatized to go to church any longer. To my family, NOT going to church means one has "backslidden" and therefore is not "right with God". They also didn't understand my values and principles about faith in action.

To my family, as it is with many Catholic families, you do not "report" people, or attempt to secure justice for oneself. It is almost viewed as a form of arrogance, or as if one is trying to take the control out of God's hand. Many parents of children who were abused by clergy struggle with their faith in clergy and the church afterwards. Some, on the other hand, discourage their children from going forward, and believe it will be a shame on the church and their family.

This is the type of family I am from. My parents have had things happen, even with churches, which they could have sued for, becuase of damages, but they didn't. Instead of speaking up or getting a lawyer, they moved, or avoided further "trouble". They believe God will take care of things. They think it is "not our place" to hold others accountable. If I say, "Who will, then?" they say to leave it to others or to God. I remind my family, "We have laws, and police and lawyers to enforce those laws, because God puts people in CHARGE." I try to say God helps those who help themselves and they disagree. They believe one should be content with the status quo and injustice, because all that really matters is "the next life" and they cling to this promise that all wrongs will be righted then, and that only then will we see justice.

I say, what about THIS life? What about justice NOW, in this life? You think God doesn't care about that? Do you think God is okay with people getting away with things and going on to harm others because they're never stopped?

My family is okay with that. They are the "lay low-pray slow" type. There are many families with this viewpoint, Protestant and Catholic, and of other religions besides.

They trust OTHER people to get the work done, and to do the right thing. They know people do not always do the right thing, but this doesn't bother them enough to want to jump to action or to believe they can make a difference. Either they lack faith that they CAN make a difference, or they don't want to try because they think being assertive is contrary to being a christian, or both.

As upset as my family was that the Abbey was spreading slander about me, it was never enough to make them want to fight for me or defend me. They felt I should accept the intimidation, threats, and disparagement, and just disappear. They never thought about how many other people the Abbey has done this to, or would continue to harm in the future, they thought about one person, their daughter, and felt that if I didn't report their wrongdoing, it would all go away. If I had taken that course, it may have all "gone away" for me, but I knew nothing would be any better for anyone else, and that once again, a major institution learned in abuse and how to shut people up, would add another notch in their belt.

I wasn't going to be a notch in their belt, and I sure as hell hoped they would think twice before using their tried-and-true methods on others, because they could not know when they just might encounter someone else like me who would stand up for themself. To this day, all of their wranglings have been to position themselves as innocent and to cast me as mentally deranged and immoral, oh, and criminal. If I gained ground, or if it ever APPEARED that a woman like me had gained ground, what might happen? It might ENCOURAGE other women and men to do the same thing. They not only wanted to make a point with me, they wanted to keep others from believing what I discovered, and everytime I turned around, it was something new.