Son's Health

I need to write about the nice visit I had with my son, but I am still concerned about what is going on with him.

His toenails are warped and it has nothing to do with my aunt or uncle who wouldn't do anything.

They recently had to get a new computer and I don't know why.

My son is finally getting over brochitis, which both he and I contracted in Canada after we got away from what was happening to us in Wenatchee.

He's doing better now, I think, but he wasn't able to sleep for awhile. I think he's recovering, but you can see in his nails and then with this bronchitis, that something was going on again.

I don't know why but I hope this gets completely taken care of.

No innocent child should be harmed for any reason.

I am going to get a couple of things DONE, practical things, and then I'll write about my son's visit. He loved all his new presents and I told him they were from me and friends too. He took his coloring book of Toy Story to his daycare and he liked the trucks and tractors I got him but when I asked he said next time he'd like just one BIGGER tractor or train. He said he wants a tractor or a train. Then I got him one of his favorite books that I used to read to him when he was 1 yr. old, which he would laugh at even then--"Skippyjonjones". It was very sweet. He was really affectionate and cuddly and wanted me to read the book over and over. He loves the part where it says, "My ears are too beeeg for my head and my head ees too beeg for my body...I am not a siamese cat! I am a CHIACUACUA (how the h--- do you you spell chiwawa?). He kept saying "THANK you Mama!" over and over when he saw the gifts and said, "Wooow!" in a genuine surprise. It was very cute. I told him everything was from me and people who cared about him.

I know my son needs to be transfered back into my care as soon as possible. People who know the most about the whole situation, know this is true. He is going to be healed and recover from all the trauma, and he will be best supervised and encouraged and his acheivements noted by his own mother. I know my aunt and uncle care very much and do a good job, but they don't even know what he's doing or learning day to day because he's at a daycare all day. I am not a fan of random daycares, period. No daycare sitter cares for children like their own. Not most anyway and you don't have enough time with so many kids. Nannies are better than daycares, because it's more one on one and allows for bonding and better connections, in my opinion (which is also supported by research). But I know my aunt and uncle are doing a good job. I know this!

I'm listening to The Kings Of Leon now. Really good music.

Somehow I think I did something good but also, I don't know. I am trying.

I am making ammends with my family so I think things will be alright. I think so. I

I quit smoking so I know I can quit blogging too. I just want to update a few people on basics.

I know my son is doing a lot better. Much better. He looked good too, at the last visit, just recovering from his cold.

It could be the cold is different--I heard something like 200 people at the hospital had this but they had more of a flu and my son had a little bit more of a bronchitis thing.

I sang a duet of "Arms Of An Angel" last night at the bar, but I felt a little bit sad. It was pretty though and reminds me of being in Canada.

Songs

First song I wanted to hear today was "Down In The River To Pray" by Alison Krause. I like her a lot.

I still felt badly about the other night, just deeply sad. The night before, I felt a sense of danger for whatever reason, not last night but the one before, and I couldn't sleep until about 3-4 until it left and there was a wash of peace and security.

I have been waking at about 2-4 ? a.m. or so for the last few weeks, without explanation. Nothing wrong, and nothing hurting, at all, but just waking up at about the same time every night and then falling right back asleep. Sort of as if someone had called my name and I woke to it and then fell asleep.

The food at Applewood was very good. I didn't have a chance to thank the cook, but he did a great job. I ordered mussels for an appetizer and chardonnay and then switched to reisling with the hawaiaan sea bass with a spicy japanese peanut sauce. It was really, really, good. I don't know how to pair wine with food exactly but the chardonnay was so heavy.

I joked to someone, over the phone, about how I always get mussels and they are the worst to think of...mussels and barnacles on a rock. I think of the state of most mussels which I only see above water, and wonder why I like them at all. Then sea bass makes me think of the singing fish you buy at Trader Joes and Wal-Mart.

But it was really good, with a pickled sort of cabbage slaw and then a rice pilaf and zuccini, which was really good too. It was very good.

After this, someone suggested at a bar that the guy wasn't trying to insult but was shy. ? I don't know. It seemed odd to me, but the music was good. I, at any rate, then sang some songs at kareoke. I didn't like some of the songs being sung so I stepped outside. I was asked to sing a song at the end that I didn't feel like singing so I chose The Pretenders "I'll Stand By You" instead. I have heard there are a few places around town that have kareoke but I don't know about all of them.

I had a shot or two of that cough syrup stuff and called it good. I forgot not to mix wine with liquor but I'm not ever the sicker today, maybe because I took tylenol after I realized my faux pas and then I had eaten something.

Then, amazingly, this morning I walked to the clinic to take a UA because I somehow knew I had one scheduled without calling first. So I got that done, and no, no one tipped me off that I had to do one, but I figured someone from tne state offices would know I'd been drinking and might assume I would be too wasted or hung over to make any appointments, I don't know. It's the first one in 2 weeks. And yeah, I don't do any drugs so it's clean.

I didn't even have a hangover this morning. Just needed coffee and donuts.

Then, I walked down the street and ran into this woman whose grandmother has this huge jar of all kinds of marbles, which I really wanted to look at but there wasn't time.

I have a few more things to get done today. I really need to get ahold of a phone for some time and make calls.

Wenatchee (UPDATED)

Saving this one for a post about Wenatchee "progress" in wanting to cooperate with me or be a community that "builds bridges (river to river no less)".

I think if anyone has tried, and tried, and tried again, it is probably me. I am not exaggerating, even as I am total flawed, the treatment and shutting out here, and mockery or pulling out of the rug over and over, is something I do not believe I will overcome by any kind of good deed. It doesn't matter how good I am, or how badly my son needs me. Most of the people around here have had nothing better to do than to ostrasize me, harass me, and try to make me feel, in every way, that they are superior and I am inadequate.

UPDATE:

No, that was wrong of me to write. It's not true. There have been many supportive people. So I'm sorry. But some individuals just want to be apples that spoil the barrel or ruin my chances of making ends meet with anyone here. I don't even know if half the people here get the facts about me straight or not, bc I don't know what they're told.

I was at the Applewood bc this guy was kind enough to offer to make dinner for me and pay for me and then the singer/guitarist comes in and specifically turns his back to me the whole time. I was seated next to the main singer, who then was only one foot from me, and he made sure his back was to me and everyone else the whole time. He faced a wall basically. It wasn't normal and even the main bartenders knew bc they asked if maybe he could turn around or something.

So the music was nice, but it was like me and this guy with his back to me up on the upper level where everyone could see, and I just thought about all my honest attempts to get somewhere with housing and basic work and how others do just fine here, and after 2 glasses of wine right away, I started to cry, in public. I began to cry at the Applewood.

So there I am, on my actually THIRD glass of wine, and I'm trying my best not to cry but I'm crying anyway, and then I got up to get my things and knocked over my ice water. Then, I grabbed my take out and accidentally knocked over the rest of the glass of my reisling. I knocked over two glasses in a row, which broke on the floor, and my eyes were clouded with tears so I just wanted to get out of there.

I didn't want people to see me and mock me and maybe they weren't, but I don't know what it is here, and I don't get it.

I don't know why some people want everyone else to just push me down, but I know others are supportive yet they never approach me. So I'm just on the outside the whole time. I mean, some people really do try, but a lot of others get very odd propaganda about me.

It shouldn't be a big deal. I had to fix this post because it was wrong of me to just write that the whole town isn't supportive bc this isn't true. It really is not true. It's that I don't understand a lot of things and SOME people go out of their way to make me feel bad or keep me down.

I could give better details, so it's not just an opinion and maybe I will later, but for now, I just wanted to clear up the first part of my post.

I had all three glasses of wine within an hour or so, so, it was a little too much and is probably why I actually started to cry, which isn't typical for me. I just felt isolated and ostrasized.

I was trying to be sociable and sort of got the passive aggressive treatment.

But who knows. Is turning ones back on someone, so obviously, is that a GOOD thing here? for all I know, because I don't get this town at ALL, is that this is actually a sign of approval....???!!!///???? I don't THINK so, but I don't get anything. I just know it was done deliberately and it wasn't pleasant. The songs were beautiful, but it seemed to me that there was more of a message in the back to me, just inches away from my own nose.

Who knows.

Is this one of those, "Tomorrow is a new day" things?

I don't know.

I felt bad when I left.

Upcoming Conference On Gang Violence

From Social/Environmental Action Chair, Diane Groody and Board President, Chris Rader

"Stop the Violence in Our Communities"
Dora Trevino, speaker
Tuesday, Nov. 3, 7 p.m. at Wenatchee Valley Museum & Cultural Center (127 S. Mission, Wenatchee)

Latina activist Dora Trevino of Quincy was a finalist for the 2009 Congressional Medal of Honor for her work in educating communities on the dangers of gang violence. Her program will be presented in English and Spanish.

CONTACT: Chris Rader, 888-0191 home, or museum at 888-6240.

Special Soldiers In Afghanistan

Well, they're all special, all over the world, people are.

Last night I had a treat of finding out something I intuited, which was really very rare because I was so sure and yet I knew no details...

It was a really cool thing to find out because I had told this woman, at a bar, when I was doing kaoreoke once, it was something that's happened maybe a handful of times...I instantaneously went to her and said, not even knowing she had a son or how old or what he did, I said, "I felt I was supposed to tell you, your son is going to be okay."

She wanted to know how I knew her son but I didn't know she even had one. I just knew I was supposed to give her the message. So then I found out, last night, when I met her again, that he is 21 and in Afghanistan!

So this was really cool bc I went from one rotary or private club to the next, meeting people and having a drink and it came full circle, at one place where they put together packages for soldiers and I was thinking what a great idea and then at the next one, meeting the woman whose son and squad it was for.

She said it had really touched her and her son bc his leader and people had just died and he was in the middle of it. I was really surprised. It was a great thing.

My "images" are just ideas, hit and miss, but that night, I knew I had to tell her this. But I didn't know why and then I found out last night! It was great.

I will also have to write about the visit with my son today, which was really sweet.

I don't know, if it's not true, I'll find out.

I had a really great time talking to this man who gave me an agate tonight as well. That was really nice. I like talking to him.

Visit With Son

I'll write about it later, but the visit went very well.

I need to keep an offline journal of everything I do, to support my interactions and have something that's a log against state stuff.

I am still not provided with a lawyer so that's not even workable. I have to have one. The judge acted mad at me, maybe after I filed something saying I needed a lawyer bc I was trying to cooperate and couldn't get anywhere with the lying by some. I said I didn't want to bring out my evidence (I meant medical stuff) and fight this. I also wrote I thought someone was probably getting paid off, so much of what was written was wrong or false.

Then I thought, hmmm, not a good idea to write that! It is my assumption or flippant say, but for all I know, what if SOMEONE in the grand sphere of things, IS paying! and then someone would think I knew something again when I don't. So, although I can't think of another motive to lie so much other than getting money or something, I probably shouldn't have written that.

What seemed to really irk the Judge was that my I.Q. test didn't put me out as a full-on genius. He was reaaaaallly pissed about it and I don't know why. I said I needed a lawyer bc I was just normal intelligence and supposedly "mentally ill" and he said, in a very glaring and pissed off way, that he was "quite surprised by the results" and raised an eyebrow and glowered. So why the hell does it matter if I'm a brain or not???

Either 1. I'm not a brain but I'm pretending that I just faked normal intelligence to cover for my actual shortcomings, or
2. I'm really a brain in hiding, or
3. I'm somewhere inbetween with some ADD.

Why does it matter, is what I want to know. It's no one's business.

But when someone said maybe another Judge in another location would be better, I thought, well, I'm sure he's there for a reason, who knows. I mean, who knows. I am doing my best and hoping it turns around. I was so upset though, and felt I was going to lose no matter what, and I think everyone thought that too, that I just didn't know what to do.

I took off my necklace of a silver cross on a chain and was going to give it to him, the Judge, and then when I took it off, I thought about how my son fastened it on so I ended up keeping it and putting it on.

I asked for a continuance for the hearing bc I have no representation. I also could get a few more things done first.

I will write about my visit bc it was really wonderful.

Stressed Out--No Cigarettes!

I realized my reactions to stress have been worse lately because...

I quit smoking.

I haven't been smoking at all. I had maybe a couple days where I had a few inhales and that was it. Otherwise, nothing, and I just realized, I think it's why I've been freaking out more when usually my stress tolerance is really high.

I guess it really affects your system more than I thought, or nerves or something. But I'm glad I quit--I feel much, much, better. I've had plenty of people smoking around me and offering them but I turn them down. It's not even difficult.

The only part that was hard was the first couple of weeks and I just ate a lot of black licorice. English allsorts candies. Then I drank tea. Even coffee doesn't seem to be much of a trigger anymore.

I see people smoking all the time, and it doesn't make me feel like I have to fight the urge to smoke. But probably, this is because I only really smoked for less than 2 months.

I almost think it's a really bad idea to try to quit without a serious medication back-up for anxiety or stress. I guess that's why Wellbutrin or other things work so well.

I feel it will be another month at least until I'm back to myself. My system probably has to re-vamp on dopamine or something.

Visit With Son Today

Today I got to see my son and we had a great visit, as always.

Got A Job!

I got hired.

Miraculously.

But I won't say where yet because I don't want to jinx it.

But I finally got hired.

UPDATE:

I am sort of wondering for sure if it will all follow through. So, I don't know for sure if I have a job. I had another guy "consider" something at a medical office but it wasn't a hire by any means. I had another offer and took it but will see how it adds up.

One thing I decided, if I sign up with Mary Kay, no one can say I don't have a job and the peace has to be honored, if that's what will bring peace, as someone said to me it would.

So I am still filling out a McDs app, and I'm signing up with Mary Kay since there have been no conditions on what kind of work I have.

I also have a firm date Monday for starting up a dance class, and I'm going to look for work outside of the state, but with something I could do at home. If I have to contact East Coast people for a hook up with that, I will. As long as I can do it in Wenatchee while living here is what matters and I was offered sales jobs in the past. So we'll see.

Housing has not happened. It was supposed to be in place but I'm waiting on a message from someone. I will do my own looking around if something else doesn't happen.

I met some people that don't have a lot of money, but they are decent people I think.

I had some others tell me I could only use their phone if I was calling certain companies or then I had someone saying only if I called "local". "Local" seems to be a big deal here.

I am very excited about the idea of teaching dance. Dance would be great and for the younger ages I don't have to know technique. It would be music selection and just encouraging kids to be expressive and feel the music and maybe learn some simple things about rhythm, and maybe some fun dance moves, but really, I would like to bring out the creative individual with the kids. My son comes up with some of the best moves to music. It would be cool to see this in other kids too.

I passed on a good job tip to someone who is almost 18. He had a cool photo on his cell phone and I told him about a job that was offered to me which was sports writing for a paper, and required photography and layout skills. I wrote back that I didn't know that much about sports but could learn, and the other stuff I knew. But I haven't heard back and I passed the job offer on to a guy who might be able to take it on and do a better job maybe, if he already knows a lot about sports.

WORK

I think I have some work. Finally.

If I have to, I'm taking a job at frickin' McDonalds to start. I even called this morning and asked if the manager was there because they're hiring. So he's there tomorrow and I'm putting in the application.

I also called again about an entreuprenuerial (too many 'u's!) venture with book selling. I would have to get my business license for $25. Hey...PEOPLE...think I could ask the bank for a loan???

"May I help you?"

"Yeah, I'm here for a business loan."

"What are you thinking of?"

"Well, I'm starting up a business and I'm going to need about $25 to get going."

I want to do it, just for the hell of it. Walk in like Jerry McGuire, starting all over, or maybe it would be more like Steve Allen.

So anyway, it's something I've done before and could do even with regular work.

I ALSO inquired about something I'd really love to do...

Teaching DANCE!

I'm not kidding.

I'm so excited at the idea. No, not flashdance...think mommy & me gymboree style dance.

I want to develop music and dance appreciation classes for the youngest. I want to facilitate creativity and I think I could really get something together that kids would love and it doesn't require formal dance training. So I called about starting a class with a dance instructor and I am MOST excited about this idea.

I'm thinking age 3 or age 2 and younger.

Mommy & me, be a tree.

Yes I was upset yesterday. If anyone knew the extent of my DAY they would know why. But I am open to medication.

Oh, totally.

Valium.

I could use a valium now and then and I don't think I'd blog at all. But no, I don't need anything on a regular basis. But valium? Oh sure, give me a frickin' valium and Save The World.

Oh, I also found out today that there were applications I filled out online that never went anywhere. Like, they were supposed to be in a system and they're not so the guy said management has changed and to bring a new app and maybe I could get work.

My Computer & Happy Birthday Message

I've had a LOT of interest about my little laptop.

"How do you like your laptop?"

Well, let me tell you, it's something else, and I think it got some kind of special karma kick after someone stayed over at my place.

I can tell you one thing, I was wondering why my left forefinger and thumb are wrinkling so badly. It's very, very, odd.

Why would my lefthand forefinger and thumb be aging and wrinkling so oddly, when the right hand isn't affected?

I realized, with the special "energy" I've got coming from this laptop, I rest my left hand on the space button and the cursor button, but keep my right hand and fingers raised while I'm resting my left hand.

On both hands, there is this very odd and rapid wrinkling occuring.

Not to mention how spending too much time sometimes causes these benign fasciculations.

Turns out, I'm not really alone here in Wenatchee.

All kinds of great technology is regularly employed in this area, and for all I know, other states? to keep people in line or send a message.

The same people who want to harm me and my son then later ask if they can buy me lunch.

For my birthday today, I went to McDonalds. How's that for a choice?

FUCK YOU--I do NOT engage with terrorists of any kind.

I may forgive you on a technical basis, but no, you are not going to be on my good side and I am not going to let you buy me a fucking meal.

Give me honest work, a place to live, and my son. Period.

As for all of the warnings about my son dying or being harmed, or how I'm going to end up like Marilyn Monroe because I "owe" something or "know" something, FUCK YOU.

And FUCK YOU to the others who warn me that I'm a mirror image of Princess Diana.

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

Say that three times fast Wenatchee. Washington. Oregon. However many states or countries it applies to.

I have seen bad deeds done by people of every race and color. Just as many "whites" as hispanic or any other race. Just as many Jews as Protestants or Catholics.

I watched a History channel program about the holocaust just yesterday. How horrible the Nazi's were to the Jews. Well, there are still a bunch of fucking Nazis and they live in the U.S., and they are of every race, including Jews.

I am also tired of seeing how special and important someone likes to feel to be getting a ring on their phone with a message. Some people eat up power or eat up feeling like they are a part of that power. Some people will sell their souls. Some will sell their sons and daughters. Some do it willingly, loving it, and others, out of fear.

I want to know WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

WHAT THE FUCK is the WORLD EVEN ABOUT?

And no, I don't fucking know anything, except that a lot of LOUSY people have hurt me and my son and NEVER for any good reason, and I know other people have been hurt too, and are too afraid to say anything.

Where is the fucking resistance.

I ask, WHERE IS THE FUCKING RESISTANCE+?

You people enjoy your chains and slavery? You like having a master and giving up your free will and your freedom of choice, to live as much at peace with all men and women as possible?

You have sold yourselves into slavery and are puppets on a string and you do NOTHING about it and think it's fine.

This whole area is Edward Scissorhands with a twist.

Does ANYONE think it is OKAY to allow others to punish people and try to keep them in line with some group or ideal, with torture? Because that's what it is people, it is torture.

This is fucking Nazi Germany all over again, but there is no cultural or racial divide. It's almost everybody. At least over here.

I want to know who the good guys are.

I am taking this fucking laptop in for a checkup, and I'm asking some hard questions.

Sure, things could be different for me. If I do fucking WHAT?

And as for all the men who just linger around and think I'm going to approach them, think again. Do something normal and approach the woman if you are interested. Don't expect me to go out of my fucking way, and then tell me, "Oh, it was you who approached me, not the other way around" as if you have no idea who I am to begin with and weren't positioning yourself from the start.

And fucking date like normal people. You are not my fucking meal ticket and you are also not going to be my latest hook up.

As for the state and whoever was involved with my I.Q. test...FUCK YOU.

Someone wanted to know how my memory was holding up and then I see a message about my brain couldn't be killed at someone's house. Yeah, that's fucking right, even though you tried to destroy me entirely, you couldn't take everything.

Given ALL of the notice my memory has received, by even doctors on the East Coast, FUCK YOU, ALL of you who have been involved in any way, and never said a thing, and just thought it was some kind of miracle I wasn't a vegetable, when so many people really did and really do believe me and know what was happening.

I still don't, but I know now that a lot of other people DID know.

For the guy who went driving by me in the alley tonight, with two white freezer boxes, and then turned around after making a show...FUCK YOU.

Fuck all of you who have nothing better to do than take and accept shitty orders to mess with someone.

Kids are being hurt, and I'm starting to realize, my son is not the only one this has happened to. Other people have been hurt too and they were silenced.

The U.S. has allowed warfare to occur on its own citizens. And done NOTHING about it, when they KNOW what is going on.

FUCK THAT.

Call To Joe Biden and Obama On Homeland Security

Hey, we need health insurance, but some of us need an end to homegrown and other grown terrorism and torture.

Maybe some of the swat teams deployed to the middle east could be sent to Wenatchee, Washington.

Homeland security starts with the homeland.

My Son

I feel sad but it was a good visit with my son.

I have felt, off and on, positive and negative energy today.

I talked to my ex but started feeling sad. I don't know why. I think it's because I want to do everything right, and to please everyone and myself and know exactly what is the most good and who is for me, and I am confused about everything.

I don't like how everything I say gets leaked out to tons of people I don't even know and I've no idea why anything I say is significant. People want ME to control what I write online or say to others, but HMMMMmmmm...

SOME people obviously cannot control their SNOOPING.

I don't like how everything I say gets blown out to the entire town within 10 minutes. It's not fair to me, and I can't even lead a normal life like this. And it's not as if I'm someone who has done anything significant. Why does anyone even CARE? is what I don't understand. On one hand, sometimes the attention is flattering and other times, it's just painful and degrading.

I don't know why anyone is interested in what I think or say. If I think I've got something good to share with everybody, I share it. Like today I was thinking of ideas about the economy. That I would share.

Somehow, I got the attention of a lot of people and even internationally and I'm not totally sure how. I don't know how word spreads so fast unless everyone is talking about me, recording what I say or allowing others to listen in, or...?

Anyway, my son looked great. I was slightly concerned about pigmentation, very light, on his cheek, but decided to write it off until or unless it's more of an issue.

He was adorable. He had the most fun building very tall and high towers and then watching them fall. I was his assistant.

He wanted to read a book about flying and transportation again, a mickey mouse/donald duck/goofy book, and he wanted a tatoo of a monkey on his foot. I call my drawings "tatoos".

My son came into the visit with a sticker I've noticed from the state offices here, a cute little hot dog with the number 1 on it, on his left shoulder, my right but his left. He possibly recycled it from a different visit, I don't know, he shows up with lots of cute things every time I see him.

I think my family wants to work with me now, on getting Oliver back into my care ASAP. At least, it sounded good this evening, and I was surprised. Very positive. Very encouraging to me.

I am trying to stay focused on what I need to do, but it's been stressful and difficult without work or housing, but I'm swinging into that soon. Just lining things up and the state hasn't wanted to terminate rights, so I'm very glad and thankful about that. I DO think it's wrong to limit his visits with me at this point. It does more harm than good, to him, and he didn't want to leave the visit with me this time again. He backed out slowly, waving and blowing kisses, and it was very clear, he wanted to stay and looked kind of worried. I made a calendar so he knew he'd see me next Monday. I am looking at housing for a studio but I want him to be transitioned into my care before 6 months is up, at least PT, so I'm probably getting a one bedroom, just for that reason alone. I have to remain optimistic or there is no point at all.

I am so in love. I am so in love with my son, it marks everything I do.

I feel the most important thing I could ever do, in my life, is to raise him well. That's it. He is at the age now where he is reminding me of a Sarah I used to babysit. It's the cutest age. I sing songs about "When You Believe" and open randomly, more than once, to the book of Esther, and yet I could imagine there is some important mission, and it would seem like I'm noticed for some reason, but the only thing that is really important to me, is my son--other than wanting to help others too, when I'm in a better position. I try to do good things when i can, without making specific mention of it all the time.

I might write about my economic idea tomorrow. Tired right now. Thank you though. For those who have been there for me and who are there--thank you.

Song Of The Night & Absolute Power

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxIN79n4jVo. "When You Believe" by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Sad Vibe

I got a little down this afternoon, or the energy felt sad I guess, at around 3-5 P.M. I think it's 5 P.M. now. Something left, or went wrong, or someone I love is down or my son isn't okay or he's feeling a little bit sad, or I did something wrong and somehow my subconscious knows it. Oh, and I feel bad about my argument with my mother. I also called about apartment options and found out some new news so I have to go in today and fill out apps, but it appears it's not possible to have a child in a studio, by state law, and yet I don't know if my son might be transfered into my care within 6 months, or at least the process initiated. If so, a one-bedroom is more practical. If not, a studio is because it would be less expensive. So I called CPS to ask about approximate timing and they didn't know. I felt fine arguing with my mother this morning but this evening I felt bad when I called the number. But I was feeling low anyway. I feel like someone is crying or sobbing. It's 5:13 p.m. PST.

I also saw pizza at about 4 and then went back to the place where I'm staying, and voila, pizza. One piece left for me. I sometimes wonder what the heck is wrong with my brain. How did I know pizza was in my midst?

5:48 p.m. Everything is okay. I feel better. I called about my son and he was fine and I could hear him in the background, sounding happy. After I heard this though, I was still feeling the sad vibe. I felt glad it wasn't my son, but something else was sad. Then, it lifted, around 5:30-35 or so. Just feels peaceful now, a little better. But I think it's probably that the facts about my son settled in. I asked if he'd been crying 15 minutes earlier or if anything was wrong and they said no.

Visit With Son: To Infinity and Beyond (Toy Story)

My visit went really well. Oliver was very chatty and sweet and full of life and conversation and he seemed to be well. He still had some circles under his eyes like he's not sleeping well but he said he was. He seemed to be in good spirits.

Yesterday there was a lot of commotion, and contrasting energies but I felt something very positive all day, and close to me. From mid-morning on. And today I felt peace even if there is no peace in the world, and things circling. Got into a fight with my mother, but still, feel fine. I think it's that my spirits pick up after a good visit with him, perhaps. I don't know. Torwards the last half of our visit, it was very strong.

I am not paranoid and that's all there is to it. I am not abandoning my family even if some try to say I am, but want support with someone sitting next to me at hearings for my son. I don't see how anyone thinks I have family support, even if they say they do support me, without a visible show. I know they've done things for me, but it seems like I shouldn't be going to hearing after hearing, completely alone. They are going to pitch in with some things though, so I heard this recently and I'm happy about that.

So my visit with my son was all about Toy Story, and flying, and...it was just adorable. I'll be more specific.

I really do believe I'll quit blogging soon, but this is something that interests a few people, and it was very cute what he did yesterday. I have the will power not to blog. I've quit smoking and that, with tons of people around me smoking non-stop. It wasn't that difficult. So I think I have pretty good will power.

I'm not going to spend all day in contemplation either, because there are things to get done. This was my visit though:

Oliver wanted to eat first, and then he showed me his tatoos from before, that the doggies had gone to sleep, and went "night night" because they were faded. Then he noticed my nicks from shaving on my knee and he kissed all of them, really wanted to and then said "Mommy feels better now".

He then wanted to take flying leaps from a chair into my arms while I was lying down so we did that and then he set up a chair in the corner and began jumping off of it, yelling out: TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!

Over and over and I started laughing and then the monitor said it was a saying from Toy Story. He kept saying "Watch!" "TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!" and I guess the monitor said it was from Toy Story, after I said, "It sounds like a math equation, like someone has been teaching him pi or something." Then I said, oh wait,, what's that number for infinity? because pi is 3.33 or whatever it is...0.333 or whatever. So then Oliver jumped and said, "TO INFINITY AND PIE!" And the monitor then said it was from Buzz Lightyear, from Toy Story, so Oliver kept doing it and then roving around the room like he had wings on his back. Then he was jumping and then would pout and look at me and say, stamping, in a softer voice, "I can't DO IT!"

Over and over.

I said, "You can't do what?"

He said, "Fly! I can't FLY! I try and try but I can't fly!"

So he was jumping and trying to fly, and I said, "I'll help you fly. Mama can help you." So he looked at me and I took him from the chair and flew him around the room and he was cuddling against me when I did. The way he did when he was in my FT care and I did this. He went to the chair again and we did this over and over.

I sang, from the Peter Pan song, "You can fly, you can fly, you can fly!" and he wanted the rest of the song but I didn't know the lyrics. So I said I would try to look them up and we did but they came up in German. The connection was lost so I said I'd look the lyrics up and memorize them and sing them next time. He kept saying, "PLEASE!" over and over.

Then he wanted me to put tatoos on him so I asked what of and he said "A starfish" and then more dogs and more starfish. He then wanted me to draw Peter Pan on my knee and I was going to but then he wanted me to read a book to him about flying. He wanted to read it from the very last page first, and then from the right page to the left page, in reverse from the regular reading of books. So we read the book backwards--about planes mainly.

He also talked about the doorstop in the wall when the monitor mentioned it, and said it was like a hole in the wall where the mama mouse and the baby mouse came out and played and they flew all over. He had a whole imagined scene about the mama and baby mouse flying.

I told him I'd seen some bighorn sheep where I was and he was impressed with this and then said something about Bambi in his house again, or in the playhouse that was in the room. But mainly, it was all about flying and Toy Story.

He didn't want to leave. He kept making excuses not to go, asking me to read more, or draw more, or to eat. He was stalling about leaving and I also noticed one of the first things he said when he was there was, "You're here! I went to church, and then I went to sleep, and the next morning I saw Mama!"

I write in a calendar for him so he has an idea when he'll be seeing me next and can control his understanding of time and how long to expect. So I tell him after Sunday, after the day he goes to church, he'll go to sleep and then when he wakes up he will have a visit with mama. He alternates between calling me mama and mommy.

We also talked about colors he selected and the names in both Spanish and English and I tried to explain to him how he knows 2 languages that are different.

Afterwards I looked for a new place to live, housing, and still figuring that out. Pros and cons to everything.

I'm not into astology but there's this book where I'm staying and it's Linda Goodman's "Sun Signs" and I read this part about how the different signs respond to the idea of having a calling card, and the part about Libra, totally cracks me up, because it is so true. All the other signs have one liners and the Libra has a paragraph and a half and says, "Well, on ONE hand, it's good because...and on the OTHER hand, it's bad because...and yet if you look at it THIS way..." and on and on. I don't put much stock in the sign stuff, but this was so true I just cracked up laughing.

I told Alvaro about Oliver's Toy Story thing yesterday and I didn't know the approximation for "To Infinity and Beyond!" in Spanish so I said, "Infinito y Mas!"

It was just really cute.

I was sort of feeling sad when I first began to blog but then I noticed the positive energy again, as I wrote about my son and his "infinity and beyond!" and I think it has to do with my son.

The flier. I think I'll listen to Nanci Griffith's "The Flyer"

I listened to Mclaghlan earlier--Adia and Building a Mystery. I have to learn the Peter Pan song too! I think I'll have to watch Toy Story I and II too. I haven't really seen them. It's important to my son so I'll have to see what they're about.

Oh, this clip from wiki about "to infinity and beyond" brought tears to my eyes:

"Also in 2008, the phrase made international news when it was reported that a father and son had continually repeated the phrase to help them keep track of each other while treading water for 15 hours in the Atlantic Ocean.[17][18]"

I thought this was an inspiring story. I'll have to keep better track of my son's interests and what he's watching.

Ghandi

Today I woke up in a decent mood and the sun is shining. That doesn't mean everything in my life is easier and moods mean nothing.

But I thought about how I haven't taken time to pray or meditate for days, when I wanted to yesterday and then didn't, and then Ghandi came to mind.

I want to research Ghandi today and practice meditation and comtemplation.

I have other things to get done as well, but this seems most important.

Right now, for the first time ever, I also think of Br. Ansgar Santogrossi and he is in my thoughts and prayers today.

Contrasting that, is the title "Get Your Groove On" came to mind for a song, and I guess it's a song by Snoop Doggy Dog. lol. So it's the first song of my day and the first time I've heard it.

Ghandi always seemed kind of pointless to me for some reason, like, what good can come of sitting and doing nothng except meditating? It isn't action. I am always into action and getting things done, but maybe there is something to the other thing.

I decided not to put make up and even though it's been 3 days or 4 days since my last half a cigarette and although I didn't feel like smoking and didn't want to smoke, I did it anyway. It's bad for my skin and voice and I decided to do it more as punishment for myself than anything else. So I took 3 inhales or so and then pushed it out.

The visit with my son went really well. I wish the Judge allowed audio taping simply to record things he says that I won't be able to recapture.

Need A Car

Somehow, i think I need to talk to people I've known from the past. Find out where they're at.

This was a weird morning.

I got up and had 3 buses to choose from but no bus schedule and didn't know which way to go, so I walked. I walked to a busier area where I figured I'd know where the buses are going and are more regular, so I didn't miss my visit with my son.

I decided to get some more coffee, because I was newly out, and ended up running into old friends of my Dad and was able to get a ride, though I could have taken a bus and made it on time as well.

Weird to run into them though. The guy said I didn't really look like either one but he couldn't remember because it had been awhile.

I can't help but feel...

Everything in my life is strange. Coincidence or not, I feel small choices shouldn't be that big of a deal and yet somehow they end up being a bigger deal. It's really good sometimes, and other times, not.

I miss having a car. I have had a car my entire life except for this last year or so. I really need a car to get around independently and I don't like the bus system here. It's not easy to follow like some cities, and it's not very regular and I can't imagine what it's like in the winter. I am all for public transportation, when there are warm terminals to wait at and there are frequent stops.

Ballet To "I Dreamed A Dream"

I tried to find a ballet to "I Dreamed A Dream" tonight.

Listened to the song by the Broadway woman again. Looked her up and it's Ruthie Henshaw. I looked up the character of Fantine, and Les Mis stuff, and then Ruthie.

When I listened to the song tonight, I closed my eyes and saw a ballet. Just one woman.

I saw everything but then, at one part, it was an ice-skating routine with two people, and a lift was involved...hahaha...and then at another part, it turned to a scene of two children running down a hill of taller grass. There was another sort of visual of hands torn apart and a curtain coming down and then the curtain parting like a canopy as they are lying on the same bed.

MOre of an edited movie thing than anything I guess.

At the part where she says, "I dreamed of a time/when I was young and unafraid/and dreams were made and used and wasted" I saw the two children running down a hill. Blond girl again. Couldn't see the boy. Brother and sister I think.

Later, I wondered if I am really an extrovert anymore because I'm not very social in new social settings lately. Then I thought, I think I'm more introverted and more of a feeler when I'm insecure or tired or just plain stressed. When i'm in my element, I'm extroverted. I don't know. Or, when I'm in control of when to switch it off and on. I think that's it.

Then the song "wonderland" by oasis singularly came to mind and I discovered they are an English band from a long time ago. I didn't know how old this song was bc it's sort of new to me.

Then listened to a beautiful piano piece of clair de lune. Then Dire Straits.

On nights like tonight, when I can see these images and pictures of how a whole scene could be, and edited, I wish I were in film school. It's at least fun for my imagination.

When I saw the curtain come inbetween, it falls down like creating a split screen and then it separates further, with material coming from the swath in the center to pull out to the left and right in a canopy. I suppose it could be done the other way, with the curtain down lengthwise or horizonal and then splitting, but I envisoned it differently.

The girl is blond and about 5-9 years old and she is with a brother (not related to romantic intent of the song) and they are running down a steep hill with taller grasses that are more golden than green.

I can see all of the moves to the ballet but I don't know any of the technical names for the positions and moves. I can just see it, the dance, unfolding and I see what she is doing but can't describe it. I could, but it would take forever without knowing the right words.

Songs Of The Day

I wanted to listen to opera this morning. Started with "Mi Chiamano Mimi" again and want to go through some other arias.

The first thing I wanted to look up was roast beef. I saw this Beaver brand of cream horseradish sauce, which is one of my favorites, and it got me thinking about roast beef, one of my very favorite dishes. I wanted to look up the different kinds of roast beef and figure out what it was I made last and served to my mother and father, which they liked so much.

Roast beef, pot roast...I guess it's traditionally served in England, Canada, Australia, and one other place, for Sunday dinner. Also in certain parts of the U.S.

I can't remember what the difference is between brisket and pot roast and roast beef. If brisket is the one with a sort of sweet sauce version, I think it's the pot roast or tenderloin roast or sirloin tip round I like better.

Gheorgiu's version of "O Mi Babbino Caro" is interesting. I like Kiri Te Kanawa's version and other versions better, but this one is pretty for being dark. It's sung in a low alto almost kind of soprano, deep tones, and is, frankly, depressing. Which is maybe how it's supposed to be, but I've still heard more moving versions before and there was a sliver of light in the song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ul9OTShQ_rc&feature=rec-LGOUT-exp_stronger_r2-HM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQ8HlZNrzK4. Pretty aria, Bellini, as sung by Te Kanawa, from I Cappuleti e i Montecchi. Oh! quante volte ti chiedo, Giulietta's aria from I Capuletti ed I Montecchi.

An english song by Te Kanawa: http://www.allmusicals.com/lyrics/andrewlloydwebber/theheartisslowtolearn-kiritekanawa.html. "The Heart Is Slow To Learn".

"I Dreamed A Dream" from Les Mis by Te Kanawa. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMIDfTcMuAM&NR=1.

This is the one I like, the one that made me cry: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yt-IBJpEMzA&NR=1&feature=fvwp. "I Dreamed A Dream" . Crying throughout. Very well done. This is where I hear the feeling.

Songs Of The Day & My I.Q.

It was "Material Girl" by Madonna. Now, "Give It To Me" by Madonna.

I'm pissed.

I am not into housing as was supposed to happen this week. I should be thankful to have a place to stay until I am, but no, I am pissed to be a guest once again.

Didn't smoke at all today though and not planning to.

I was going to go out and dance last night but I didn't.

I think the only way I'm going to make it through the weekend is to have a pile of interesting books at hand. Library run. I need a bunch of witty fluff. I don't feel like being sociable.

I did one spontaneous thing today--I went for a swing on a tire-rope swing and sat on the porch next to a huge stack of wood cutting my nails and doing my cuticles.

Yeah, I looked for work online. I called about housing. I got my cousin hooked up with housing. So that was my good deed of the day.

I feel like cooking while a little tipsy. But I can't do that right with $20.

Then, I'm told I'm getting my things, but no I'm not. Nothing is happening until tomorrow. I am tired of the fucking mousetrap.

Not only that, I read the report by CPS and it's a bunch of BS that I really don't want to have the chance to prove wrong.

If I have to go through and prove...

Quit and got out to breathe in a bookstore. Mmmmm! books! Mmmmmmm!

"If She Knew What She Wants" by Bangles.

..."She won't understand why anyone would have to try to walk a line when they could fly..."

--I had a bad day, reading what the CPS worker wrote and what their psychologist had to say. It's still "inconclusive" but it will be up to someone to either put the blog first or the MMPI. So she has a choice. I cannot see how she could make any kind of differential without knowing me and her 1 1/2 hour chat with me isn't going to help sort out the "discrepency" between a normal MMPI and what she feels is an "abnormal" blog. She can either take it as part fiction as I've said, and I think that's what she should do. The MMPI wasn't totally normal anyway--it was high on anxiety levels but nothing else. The state report doesn't even mention the anxiety levels, but of course, let's not blame the state for creating this problem to begin with.

Not only that, the state is not increasing visitation at all, more than 4 hours a week which is what it's been at for over a year. This is totally wrong. Anyone would know this is wrong. They are leaving very, very, little room for making it appear they are trying to reunify or cooperate. Especially after all their chosen psychologists jerked me around by saying they were going to do the eval and then holding onto it and later backing out last minute, just running the clock out.

I am willing to "take it" and have something diagnosed that's not even true, but not something extreme as is or has been suggested. I'm not so highly intelligent that I would manufacture or know how to manipulate an MMPI which is a very well known test that is recognized for accuracy. My I.Q. isn't that of a brilliant coniving genius--it's average. If I faked on all the tests, why wouldn't I fake on my blog? I mean, if I were smart enough to guess correctly on two different tests for both I.Q. and for MMPI, wouldn't I also be smart enough to know how to word a blog or how not to write in one or care?

I think it's quite clear that I am simply not smart enough to do this. If I were, I would also be smart enough to know there were "discrepencies" and wouldn't I have done more to align these things?

Another song, from a dummie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R93biXI1Mxg. Kiri te kanawa's "Ave Maria". Beautiful.

Other song: Kiri Te Kanawa's "Mi Chiamano Mimi". First time I've read the translated lyrics. I have always loved this aria. Especially the soaring second half. I don't like Kanawa's version best though. I like Maria Callas' version better. It's more delicate in inuendo and feeling. I don't know if she completely feels or knows or has experienced what she sings about, but her voice is technically perfect. The way she lilts over the slight wording...like tiny skipping stones across a smooth lake or butterflies tripping lightly, bouncing like stones skip, across the water...and then she soars into this crescendo of sky. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgaN3vIqJUY. It almost makes me cry. On the right day, I think it would. From "La Boheme".

Song Of The Day

Oh you are all so ready for this...

"Irreplaceable" by Beyonce.

Listen to it, Wenatchee and World, and listen well. But it could be to the left and to the right as well. I think I'd mix it up a little if I were singing this one.

I have a few things to say, a couple of reminders--

My requests have been very simple, and I am tired of being fucking jerked around.

So cut the shit out.

No, you do not force me to do anything, or pressure me, or tell me my time has run out, or give me an opportunity for 3 minutes and then snatch it away and reverse on every single thing you promised.

You follow through.

I said I wouldn't blog if my son was okay and I was at least being given a chance in this town, to get him back.

Given the treatment lately, of "sort of" helping but pressuring me at the same time, I am going to write about someone.

The lovely Mr. John Fishburne. Renowned psychologist and his lovely wife at hand.

After being given a few "temporary" options from which to choose housing, and loads of temporary "options" for work and a bunch of other BS, including someone trying to mess with state processes again, I had it this afternoon.

No, the state worker is not going to continue to interrupt my visits with my son, as she recently picked up doing again. No, I am not going to be propositioned to do things I don't want to do, "or else". No, I am not going to be hassled and harassed in getting my son back, in any way, shape, or form. No, you are not going to parade Mykal's doggie down the sidewalk.

I think we all forgot something:

I OWN this fucking business.

That business is MY LIFE, and I OWN it.

After being told my options had changed yet again, at the last minute, I pulled out my laptop and walked down the sidewalk, head up, thinking, "I'm holding out for William or Henry. Period. I'm not settling for this shit or anything less than what I deserve." William and Henry, maybe not, but certaintly not some of the locos I am running into.

If I have to sleep outside to make a point that I will not go along with the charade, so be it. But no, you are all going to start taking some instructions from me.

So listen up.

You want me to make some quick decisions? Well I did. I demonstrated my executive abilities when I marched past the man walking Mykal's dog, and went straight to psychologist Fishburne's office where he and his wife have jerked me around. I actually suppose, not more than anyone else in town.

Fed up with the town, this afternoon I needed a cup of coffee. So I walked right into his office, left the door open wide as his wife is sitting behind the desk, took a cup, filled with coffee, poured 2 french vanilla creamers, stirred, and then walked over to the chocolate, grabbed a handful and as his wife said "Can I help you?" I said firmly and courteously, "Thank you!" and walked out, leaving the door open. A woman was waiting to be counseled, sitting on the couch, watching in part shock and more than anything, delight.

Then I went to Cafe Mela and asked for a half cup of coffee. I was told, by someone who knows me very well, that if I wanted coffee, he couldn't just give it to me, and I'd have to pay like everyone else or it wouldn't be "fair." I said, "I will pay you 25 cents for half a cup" (which was just a small water fountain type cup). He said okay, and then I let him know I had tipped him 15%.

That is all I have to say. It's nothing much. In fact, it's really nothing at all.

But I am tired of this and everyone else should be too.

There is absolutely no reason to harm my son. ZERO reason. There is nothing, not one thing that is worth it, which calls for it, justifies, or validates it. Period. There is also absolutely no reason for harming me in any way. Period. Or any member of my family.

Next song of the day, "Halo" by Beyonce.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoo hoo! If I could raise my arms and dance, I would go to the loudest club and dance my heart out to this song.

This is not a victory for anyone, or any side or any team, except for my life. Everyone should listen to this song, and stop the fighting and competition and go out and DANCE. Dance to loud music, and forget, for a minute, what all the fighting and jealousy and ill-will is over.

That is what I want for everyone.

My first order, is that everyone dances with someone else from the other side of the tracks, or just turns up the music loud in their own house, and plays this song and dances.

And let go.

As for what does this mean right now for me? I have no idea. I have met my soulmate perhaps, or maybe not yet, and I may be inbetween deciding a lot of things, but I have my own interests, my son's interests, and the best interests of all in mind.

No one is going to suffer.

No one is going to pay one fucking thing for one fucking mistake or choice or non-choice I make.

Period.

You are going to forgive, just as I have forgiven.

You are going to forgive and let go. You are also going to tell those who are not used to taking orders from a woman, to think it over.

I have had someone recently say something to me, comparing me to Marilyn Monroe and saying she died because she owed someone something or others thought she knew something about something.

I have already said, over and over, that I don't know anything about anything. I have no idea who got the idea in the first place that I did. I talk to a lot of people, about a lot of things and I don't have any idea which "thing" or "what it is" that I have allegedly come across that is so threatening.

But is there anything that I "owe" someone? What do I owe anyone? I am most often a woman of my word and I don't try to harm anyone. I don't purposefully cause trouble for anyone. I don't know what anyone expects of me or what it is I do right or wrong from day one to day two.

I have been isolated from getting work, housing, and have been harmed, along with seeing my son harmed, and what do I supposedly owe anybody?

Also, I have had so many people say there must be some man that others might be trying to get to. This isn't true. If it WERE true, this man I think, must be different from day to day. I mean, it must be that someone thinks it's one guy one minute and then someone else the other minute. I have no idea.

If I do something good for someone, it is from my heart, and for no other reason. If I have done something bad, I don't know what it is. I've already said sorry so many times. I don't know what else I could do.

If I do something good for someone, even if it seems short-term, might be for the longer run. It could also be the reverse.

If I get married, or not married, it is no ones business but my own. What that marriage or relationship might mean to me is no ones business but my own.

If I sacrifice, and in what way, is my business.

If I love knowing it will never be returned or cannot be the way it should be, that is my business. I own that business.

If I know technology has been used to harm me and my son and to control others, as long as there are people DOING this, it is everyone's business to speak about it and to talk about what is going on. Those who harm others this way must be held accountable, regardless of who they are, and I don't give a FUCK what anyone does to threaten me or a lot of other people. You fucking BACK OFF and STOP.

If I want out of something that isn't good for me, that is my business. I own that. You do not own my life.

Everyone must have free will. No one, not anyone, should be pressured into making a choice for anyone except for themself.

You rule by example, not intimidation. You lead by character and heart, not through fear tactics and destruction, unless someone is deliberately out there hurting people that are innocent.

There are doves and there are hawks. I believe in both.

"If I Were A Boy" by Beyonce.

Anyway, I could really use a good smoke. I have quit for 9 days or 10 I think. I need a cigarette. I wonder, if I have just one, if you go back to smoking all the time or is it possible to smoke very sporadically?

I really need to smoke, if I can't dance.

"Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira.

Geckos.

I like geckos and I like military men and those who went peace corp and who would never go military. I like everyone, really, and I've pissed a lot of people off, but I hope I can fix it somehow.

Last night, several things came to mind. But it was all random words:

Ellory (woman's name)
Telluride (which sounds a lot like ellory so which one was it?)
Tarin (afghanistan) I have no idea how this came to mind
erudite

I did it. I smoked a few inhales. But I am not going back. I have to prove to myself, now, that I can now go forward 20 days without smoking a thing. It really, really, wrecks your skin. I think nicotine probably really affects collagen. And the voice, so I don't want to smoke because I would rather sing.

I think it's possible to entirely quit something and then to quit for the most part. I sort of like the idea of being in full control of exactly when and where I do anything, whether it's smoking the most addictive thing known to man or not. It takes will power to quit, and will power to smoke again and risk going back to the same old thing. I figure, if I do it a couple times a year there is no harm.

More than anything, I want to dance and I need to know where it is one can go, to dance to very loud music in Wenatchee, on a Thursday night.

I keep listening to "Halo".

And I don't know why it's a big deal whether or not I am interested in Diana but I can't help it. Ummm, maybe too scared to look into her case, but how can I help it? I like her! I just DO. I don't know if it's nerdy or celebrity nutso, but I really like the woman and I prayed for her sons today.

Today I was reading Tina Brown's book and laughed out loud at the parts about someone saying "how does one kill oneself with a lemon peeler? peel oneself to death?" that's a horrible thing but it IS funny, and the other part which totally cracked me up, I mean, the MOST, was the part about how she met Hewitt, after being HOOKED by a salmon hook while she was duly glum watching her husband fish. I love, love, love this image. Poor Di. I totally saw myself there. It is like something that would happen to me. Trying to do the right thing, and ya get hooked in the EYE for it.

I saw this picture in my mind's eye, of her huddled on a bank, cold, and drinking something hot from a cup, and all of a sudden, wham, she gets a hook in the eye. Really cracks me up, this image, it's so wrong. And what did Charles think or say? Honey??? She's yelling, "What the fuck are you thinking? You already got me into this royal family and it doesn't end, does it?" She was maybe marked for life. I wonder if she had to have stitches. And then just the other night, I saw this woman, just last night, in the bathroom with slits on her eyes bc she just had some eye surgery and it looked like fishing line was used to stitch her up with.

Noted. Stand back from fishing lines.

Also noted...Fight Club is the featured article on wiki today. Just saw this. It looks like some important things happened today. Some Irish army group disbanded! That's a big deal. I have to see if anything happened in Tarin.

Visit with Son

My son was speaking very well today and was more affectionate. it seemed like he'd had more affection and attention since Monday, to me, and that this transfered into being warmer and more comfortable seeking and getting affection from me.

I was and am concerned about discoloration above his left brow where it looks like a major bruise or darker pigmentation for some reason. It's a large spot that's darker in coloration and sort of blueish greenish darker brown. Like blood vessels are enlarged underneath but the skin on top is actually darker pigmentation. i looked closely. He said a kid hit him. He said it doesn't hurt now. If it's a bruise, it should hurt, as large as it is. My son was injured in some way and i am going to find out how and why. My opinion is that if it's not from a kid, which it looks different from, that if it was caused by any other means, there is going to be a retribution. Not by me.

The best part was when he wanted me to draw "tatoos" all over his arms. last week I gave him smiley faces, well, on Monday I did and it looked like he hadn't wanted them washed.

So today he wanted me to draw dogs all over his arms, and a butterfly as well. He kept saying, "a dog!" and he has become quite the director.

I swear, this kid knows exactly what he wants and when and where and how. He makes his mind up quick too. He makes judgements and decisions fast, and it sort of surprises me because i'm not that way at all. He is a director. It already shows and constantly catches me off-guard. And if you don't do it the way he has in mind....whoooooaaaa. He has a CEO personality type. He's very affectionate and sweet but he's also a director. I don't make decisions with the confidence, surity, and ease that he does. He knows what he has in mind and has no qualms directing how to accomplish this.

I said to him, "Do you want me to make this part darker? the part that says 'I love you'? and he said yes, and then said no, write, "I love you DOG!" and we all cracked up laughing. He said it like "dawg". It was cute.

Deleting Again

I thought about my post with a quip about rapping by Cyrus, but I deleted it, thinking, I don't know how I get myself into trouble, but if it's by saying anything negative at all, about anyone, I'd better drop it. Which isn't any fun, to not be able to be sarcastic or joke around, but because it's probably misunderstood, I'll just refrain.

Quit smoking still. It's been 2-3 weeks of tapering down and this is the 6th or 7th day I haven't smoked at all, not even one inhale. My skin is starting to get better and I'm feeling better again.

I did it! See! I have will power! I am not an addictive personality type. Anyone can get addicted to cigarettes though.

I heard a few people say cigarettes are supposed to be even more addictive than heroin, and neither had tried heroin, but they said it was. I believe it.

My first song of the day was The Refugee's & Carlos Santana's "Maria, Maria".

Fourth Day Not Smoking & Nuns

Happy to write today is the fourth day of total nicotine abstinence. I accepted a cigarette from someone, and put it in my bag in case I need it, because I had to sleep in today due to a migraine headache. It was a mild one though, but if it gets worse, nicotine might help. But I didn't and haven't smoked it because I'm trying to go without.

I noticed a few people seemed sad today. I hope everyone I care about is okay.

I am, as well. I am, because I don't know what to do.

That's it and that's all, simply put.

I just met a nun. Really nice woman, sort of reserved, but nice energy about her. I asked to look at her pendant since I'm interested in jewelry and it was really pretty, sort of deco in a way, or something, with a bird for the holy spirit, a heart for the sacred heart, and then M for Mary.

I have been wearing a cross pendant given to me by someone but I was actually giving it to my son to give to someone else and then he wanted to fasten it about my neck and got such pride from it I couldn't take it off. So I've been wearing it since. It does represent my faith, but I am not totally sure what I think except that I read and pray privately.

At any rate, I thought about this nun and she seems like the type who would be a good wife or mother and she's not crochety at all, and then I think about myself.

I am stuck somewhere in a place I don't understand.

I am not probably a nun type. I am also not an escort or a prostitute of higher or lower caliber nor could I do nude photos. The thing is, I'm the marrying kind, but I've never found anyone to marry. I still think about it but I'm particular about loyalty and I just don't want to be a "burro" in any marriage. If I decide I'm saving the world or going into something "por los ninos del mundo", maybe, but then, can I sell my soul (so to speak?) I mean, what then? Should I be celibate or would that be offensive? what is more offensive? I support the idea of open marriage if that's what some agree on, but it's not for me really, and I have met very few men who are truly "open" about what they want to do.

Whatever happened to true love, that waits and holds out to be true to only the one they love? Why is everything so complicated? Why can't we sometimes be happy with the love of our lives? If love is there, and passion, why not? Why do having different values or beliefs get in the way so much? Why does money, or anything else? I don't know why love is so difficult to find for some, and for others, it is successive--one happy pairing after the other, no complaints.

Some people are so happy with just about every other person. Good matches. Others, are picky but maybe should be. But then even with the truest and maybe most sacrificial and purest kind of love, nothing is perfect.

It's the most tragic thing.

I feel stuck inbetween a lot of things.

Even if there is such a thing as soulmates or true love, how often do they get to be together? There are always stories about work putting people apart, or social class getting in the way and forcing people to make choices about remaining in their circle and family or being with the one they love, and then there are other separators as well--health and life and death for one.

It's really depressing when you think about it.

How few and fortunate they are who find true love, imperfect though it may be--true--and then cannot pursue it or rest in this.

I just met another nun. Another nice one.

What a juxposition--from the offer to do nude photos for a magazine (which, well, hey, would pay something, but no thank you) to meeting nuns the next morning.

I get really close to thinking about marrying someone I've known but a few things hold me back. Unfortunate things like feeling like I'm passed around, or not respected, or maybe it might be simply seeing someone who was flirting with an ex and then later seeing a pair of boots on her feet that he could have hand picked and whether or not it happened, things were happening and it just makes me feel like...I don't need the humiliation or be played with if that's what would happen.

In a lot of ways, being a mistress is much more powerful than being a wife who doesn't know about the mistress. The mistress knows about everything and the wife doesn't. I mean, there's more honesty in that relationship, probably,, not that it's one I'd want. But really, so many people cheat these days, men and women, you'd have to have the guy on a very short leash.

I read about some famous Royal woman whose aristocracy I can't recall, well, can't remember which European group she was with, but she married her husband way way back, and then assumed the pants and even though he had power, she made sure he never ever was without her by his side. So she went straight into the battleground with him, and was never apart.

I'll have to find her name. That was one smart woman. Even the most faithful and loyal man is a human and long separations are unrealistic, in my opinion. Unless you have nerves and will of steel, both of you. I mean, you wouldn't want to be clingy or have someone clingy over you either, but there's something to be said for home monitoring or close supervision.

Welcome to jail, if you marry me. You'll get away with nothing.

You wanna go into the military? I could support that. Hey pal, let's go in together. We'll go in buddy system.

Anything, even a potential trip to the dry cleaners, is an opportunity. So you have to trust, but how does one trust when facts and evidence seem to point to something in particular that one might not want to see?

It would sure be a LOT easier to be an all-out swinger, because you don't care and they don't care, and you talk about everything. But I just can't do it and wouldn't want to try either. Not for me.

There's a huge market for escorts for married men though. These guys come from all over, every level.

I guess I am a non-traditional complicated kind of prude. Sort of adventurous in weird ways, but also a prude or romantic.

I wonder what everyone else's love life is like. I've just never married, but I wonder if the main problem with the married's is simple boredom or if they ever fall head over heels in love with someone else. It's so interesting to me, marriage, because if it's not for convenience or a mutually beneficial goal, it's done with the idea that THIS is "the one", true love, soulmate, they will spend the rest of their lives with, in loyalty, to the end.

And then... what the frick happens???

I mean, there's the feeling of infatuation and that wears off, but a lot of people wait for awhile so they know there are ups and downs. That you can fall in and out of love but still have a sort of constant love and concern for someone. So what is it...

And then how many go into marriages for convenience but with knowledge there are others in the picture who cannot be seen publicly? Some kind of arrangment that all parties agree to?

It's usually that someone is left in the dark.

Deleting Some Photos

I had some photos but deleted them. All only showed the face and not anything else, but I decided to get rid of them after I found out they were seen or viewed as being seductive in some way.

A guy who takes photos for a nude mag, approached me and asked if he could take photos. He said clothed would be fine but I just realized, that even my facial expressions or something about...I have no idea...but I am not interested in doing anything like that.

I'm just not. So, if even my face makes some men think of more, I'm deleting it. I didn't think about any of it in this way.

It should be really flattering but it's not. For a lot of women, it is very flattering and they do really well with it. But it's not me and I would feel bad about myself. I don't feel my body is for public display, unclothed at least. That is something I have always viewed as private.

The Cure & Indefatiguable

The cure to all that ails me and the world is

tonight,

The Cure

I refuse to be defeated.

"I DON'T BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION BECAUSE I REFUSE TO COME BACK AS A RABBIT OR A BUG!!!" (New Order? or Duran, Duran)

I refuse to accept my fate, of being blacklisted out of every job and repeatedly, perpetually led to job after so-called job, to be told it's not available that instant. Well, it was dinner hour, so unavailable to talk. Understandable, but I'm just upset. I refuse to accept the distractions to keep me from getting my son back and to keep me out of town.

If I have to set up a tent, watch me.

I will set up a tent and build fires in a pit before I move away from my son.

And I will keep blogging, just so the world knows and understands I haven't gone nuts but that it is my circumstances.

In fact, I was starting to enjoy the propetic look. I stepped out in my prophet uniform again today, only to change, after 5 days wear, for a job that was suddenly not available.

I actually felt some of my "power" leaving me when I changed into my nicer wear. I felt like I was losing this strange power of acceptance, of really beginning to feel proud of wearing the same clothes day after day.

It sounds odd, but yes, at first I was thinking, "Oh great, I left my clothes over at the other place and I'm wearing the same thing again." Then, the next day, sort of looking down a bit again, but knowing it's my own fault. Then, it became a kind of pride. A mark of, "I'm still me, and a woman still has a prerogative to change her mind, no matter whether or not she changes her clothes." Changing my clothing was like Samson letting Delilah cut his hair. That's how it felt. I don't even know if I want to wash those clothes, really. I like having a choice. No, you know what I mean...A REAL choice. Of breaking free of what others think. But it's sort of cheating in a small town, because people here know I have other clothes and I'm not stark raving mad. It would be more humbling where no one knows you at all and they just think you're nuts.

The first song I selected, of the day, is "Friday I'm In Love" by The Cure. Listening as I write this.

Everything is going to get better for everyone. It may get somewhat worse, but I think it will get better. I did pray that prophet's prayer for those who are bad to me or my son, even for today, that it goes into action today, but other than that, on the whole, I think everyone will be doing well. I have all these ideas of what is happening socially, things I want to write about. Then, I pulled out an article of something I read, about another bomb killing people in Pakistan.

I impetuously tore it out, right after reading a statement from a father who said something like, "I pray to Allah every day, that the killing of the innocent will stop." Or something about justice against those who kill or harm innocents. I read this, and it is the same sentiment all over the world, this cry to God, to spare the children from harm. I read it and it sparked my mind to find some books on conflict resolution and peace making at the bookstore in town today.

I spent all day in a bookstore reading. I took a couple breaks, just to eat. Otherwise, all I did today was read and look for work again. More reading though. I gave myself permission to take a little break.

Next song on repeat is The Cure's "Lovesong". At the chorus, I see him punching up with a fist, taking hold of a pageant like star, and yanking it down. Stars are MINE. Making it happen, and refusing to let it just coast. Keep trying. At the drum beat, punch and then pulling it down. At this song I just want to shake my head back and forth, Stevie Wonder style and move my feet. Actually, most Cure songs get me moving. I need an ipod so I can listen to this stuff on full blast.

So I was reading today, skimming through books and then the paper and then I got back and tried to find conflict resolution books but I'm still looking. I typed it into the computer. I looked through Albright's book again, and decided, no, I wouldn't want all of those pins. Some of them, at least half or more, I don't even like. I like so MANY of them though!

I looked at a new release called "Worse Than War: Genocide, eliminationism, and the ongoing assault on humanity" by Daniel Jonah Goldhagen. It looks good but I need to take it home to read. I skimmed through "The Diana Chronicles" by Tina Brown.

I made it through Day Three without smoking at all, even though I thought about it and the urge was so strong I swear someone was projecting smoking images into my mind! I just went out and ate instead.

"Just Like Heaven" by The Cure. This is one I listened to on repeat for hours at the Carribou Coffee one day when it was pouring down rain and all these people passing by the window and I was a little down and out. I still remember that night. I have vivid memories which I hardly ever forget.

Even if I'm not so smart afterall.

You know what I think about the WAIS I.Q. test? I think it's a bunch of BS.

Yes, that's right! I saaaaid it (chris rock style).

For those of you who haven't looked at it, it's basically an SAT. Half of the whole thing is already acquired knowledge. Acquired knowledge has less to do with intellectual capability than it has to do with opportunity. For example, take me as an example...

My composite score was normal. But the scales were really low on one thing and really high on something else and then it just got smushed together for a rounded score. And the thing is, those things that affected the scores had to do with whether I was PAYING ATTENTION in class or not, or had the proper opportunities or mentoring or not.

Believe me, you could take some kids from a third world country, who are smarter than some well educated American kids, and the American ones will appear smarter when they're not, simply because they had parents who had time, money, and a chance to educate the kids.

I.Q. tests are not very good measures, in my opinion

So, for example, I knew a lot of vocabulary. Why? Because I'm so smart? No. Because I have a personality type that likes to read. But then, my math brought me down. I started reading novels behind my math books when I was 11 and how I ever made it through high school algebra I'll never know. Math is a building block thing. So, it shows I didn't study math and I do like to read. That doesn't say anything at all about actual inherent and inate intelligence.

The I.Q. test measures socioeconomic status, more than any other thing.

There. I ssaaaaaiad it.

So, I think it's kind of helpful, but still not a great predictor really. I think it's much more useful for little kids than adults besides. I was thoroughly unimpressed, in my low-brow, high-cow way. I turn up my nose. I turn up my nose with a sniff. With a sniff and a dismissive wave of my delicate hand. Delicato.

Oh yeah, and for the Mr. Kitten who lost his mittens, I already saw those mittens in my minds eye for about two days before I ever saw them on those hands. Yeah. I saw the mittens, over and over again. I guess that's fortune telling because I saw it first and then voila! there they were, being waved in front of my eyes.

I am the original Manchurian Candidate. I am going to start projecting my own ideas all over the world, into the minds of others. ;) I know...Well, let's just say, I think I could meditate more and communicate more through placing thoughts into others' minds instead of receiving them all the time.

Okay everybodeee! I got my blogging fix for the day. You know, I know it's very good I quit smoking but I need another vice.

Gimmee another vice!

I Quit Smoking!!!! I DID It.

This is the second day of not smoking at ALL. I was tapering down to a few inhales, and then I just quit. I still sort of think about it, but I have quit!

Now, I just want to knock off a few drinks and dance.

I have been wearing the same get-up for about 4 days. Tomorrow will be Day Five. I have been mixing it up a little, and changing things around, but everything is the same. I would rather wear slightly stylish and old and dirty, instead of sadly mismatched and ugly and clean and cheap.

One of the zippers on my well-worn boots broke. So I used safety pins. This woman said today, "Hey, like Pretty Woman." I said "what? she did that?" and she said, "Yeah, she had safety pins for her boots." I told her the difference is that I'm not a prostitute though I feel I've had some suggestions lately that I could go that direction but never have and never want to. But it cracks me up. I said, "I'm going punk rock" with the safety pins and she said "Pretty Woman". Well, if someone wants to pull up alongside of me to TALK all night and pay me $1,000 for it, I'm game. But then, I'm outta there.

I feel, as long as I have an internal panache, I am just FINE.

It's not that I have no other clothes. I just haven't gotten around to them yet.

So, the first day of wearing a re-run, I was a little embarressed. Suddenly, by Day 3 I was almost thinking it was kind of cool. And by Day 4, I felt like a real prophet.

Day 3 I felt like an eccentric gad-a-bout. Then, Day 4, I was The Prophetess. I even had a large smudge of soot or dirt next to my mouth when I checked into my room tonight.

But the thing is, I clean up well. So, my hair and body are clean and I do my make-up, and who cares what my clothes are like, or if they're the same thing, as long as they don't really stink.

Even Prince Harry, well, take a look at those brown loafers. He wears the same ones and he could afford anything. It's good, maybe, to feel comfortable in one's own skin and not worry so much about what is OVER ones skin.

On Frida & Albright's Pins

I maybe spelled her last name wrong.

I went to a bookstore last night and spent several hours relaxing and reading through a stack of books.

The last one I read was a large art book of Frida's work.

It was really interesting. Her art used to scare me and I thought it was a little grotesque but I understand it now.

I also enjoy looking at photographs of her. You can almost read the intelligence in her eyes. She was very strong. I don't know why she kept the slight moustache but I thought it was at least authentic. She was so beautiful but I really want to shave that upper lip. I love her flowers and jewelry and artistic sense of dress.

My favorite works by her, or ones I noticed and paid attention to were...

(I will have to finish up later bc I am having to go to another location...check out of a room basically)

Okay, so back to Frida, I really enjoyed looking at this book of her work. I cried at the one, b & w called "The Miscarriage". Well, instant upset but no public tears, thank goodness. But it wasn't depressing, it was more moving than anything and empathetic.

I like her work so much. I don't like the one of the really bloody girl. No thank you. But I do like the other ones. I like the one where she has the pink and yellow and green and purple parrots on her shoulders and the detail of that one (a self-portrait). The layering of color on the shoulders for the parrots is really beautiful. I also like the one of her dream, with the bunkbeds and she's below and the skeleton is above.

Then, she has this really straight and traditional stuff, like flowers on a bowl painted without the surrealism or whatever. She's so talented, she could paint however she wanted.

I also like the one about "The Two Fridas" with the hearts interconnected. The one of the wounded deer, with the arrows in it, first sort of disturbed me, but the expression on the hart is so sweet and vulnerable I couldn't look away. I like it. It's magical. An entire story there.

Not for the boudoir, but I like it.

Then, today I looked an interesting book by Madeline Albright. How much do I know about U.S. politics? Ahem, well, I thought Albright was English. I looked at her book, her new one, about pins.

It's really wonderful, and all it is, is her collection of antique and new pins which she wore on her lapel on different occasions.

I COVET her collection. I want them all.

It's a cool book. I love the first one, of the serpent, with a diamond dropping from its mouth. And the one torwards the back, of the dandilion seed and the one of the dandilion. I like these two best of a little flower collection, some which are more intricate. I like the simplicity and color and statement of the dandilion!

Then, there was a really cool one, all gold and in a solid octagon shape, of a web with a spider with a diamond or rhinestone at its mouth. There is a cool web with a separate spider next to it on the side of the book but I don't know if it's a brooch or not. Then, there were a couple with small insects which could be paired together. Like, a flower with four bees which can be arranged in different positions. So fun. I liked the sheaf of wheat as well. And one from croatia or something, called "mucha" and sort of art deco in silver and coral. I liked the butterflies too, some more than others. Oh, one called "grapes" too, with pearls.

I think I really like pins as a form of decorative art. I like the combination of making a statement with creative art and form and stones. I do like the rocks. That's what led me to even pick up a Town & Country magazine--the advertising for jewelry. Most of it I'd just like to look at though, and wouldn't wear. Pins are different though, if you're on business and want to dress it up. I like scarves and pins. Clarification--some scarves and some pins--Silk scarves and well-made and designed pins.

I think if I continue to blog, it will just be about books, art, and music! I could handle that.

Pointless Not To Blog Without Work

Well, I have no incentive not to blog it seems, without work.

I have looked high and low and am still looking, but I'm tired of the games and the freeze. Yes, unemployment is lousy everywhere, but that's no excuse for what I've been through and am still going through in Wenatchee.

I couldn't get anywhere until I got out of this town and then it seemed like maybe someone was going to try to help or change things in some way.

It looks like it's a no. I have done all I can do, but guess what?

I'm not leaving town.

I'm not leaving, because I have a son and you cannot push me out and away from him.

So get used to me, and if you don't want me to blog about the facts and loves and lives and going ons, maybe quit the blockade.

So anyway, I am also probably going to start charging for my blog, because that will certaintly improve my profits and more people read my blog, in this town, than they do The Wenatchee World.

And I'm not getting paid for my work.

My first pick song of the day is youtube's live version of New Order's "Bizarre Love Triangle". I love this song! One day, on the East Coast, I listened to it on repeat for over 6 hours.

Anyway, this doesn't mean I will write about anything and everything.

However, I feel like I am pretty reliable when it comes to my word and my honest attempts to get somewhere and have a peaceful resolution to everything and just get my son back.

My son is important to me, and yet instead of seeing people actually trying to faciliate our reunion, I see more people interested in trying to distract me or creating distractions and leading me to water only to tell me I cannot drink. By promising job after job or work over and over with zero results.

It seems there is always work for me right before I have to file my unemployment claim for the week so I slack and then all of a sudden, I miss out and don't get the work and I'm back to square one.

There is absolutely NO reason not to hire me, and no excuse for my not having work here. There are not a lot of jobs, but I haven't been picky. I've been willing to apply for everything there is to apply for:

banking
clerical in all forms
daycare and childcare
construction
labor
temporary agency employment
waitressing
dishwashing
fruitshed work
assembly/factory
cna
janitorial
fast food
retail


I've applied for all of these kinds of jobs, over and over, repeatedly, and no one will hire me, but they'll hire someone else. When I hear about new people moving to town who get work in 2 weeks, there is something wrong.

When people promise me work and then back out, there is something wrong. They are only wasting my time on purpose.

Moving to Spokane or Moses Lake will make no difference. I believe the man who told me I would have to move out of the state. Yet I still try, and hope and believe something is possible. I still try, every single day. I am still willing to try, in this town, because if I can't get work here, after finding out I would never get hired in Seattle either, or anywhere else, by at least one person who wouldn't lie to me, why should I think anything different?

My son is here and at the last visit he begged me again, backing out and blowing kisses to me, all the way to the door: "Don't leave mama. Stay right there." He looked worried and panicked that I wasn't going to be there for the next visit.

I look at my son and that is what keeps me here.

Sure, if I could do the whole town and the whole state some kind of BIG favor, and just leave, I WOULD. The only reason I stay here is because of my son. HE needs me and says this and demonstrates a need.

I keep trying to work things out and get into whatever "line" people want me to be in, to fit in here, but I can't do it alone. I need to have others cooperating WITH me. I know there are people who care. I know this and I know there are a lot of good people in the area. Many have talked to me long enough to know firsthand that I'm not mentally ill and that there is really nothing wrong with me except for whatever political kind of problem I have that I can't seem to get out from under.

I keep my mouth shut. I do my thing and I try to make amends and peace, and I keep trying. Someone told me I'd have to move to Moses Lake because I keep getting pushed out of housing and work here. It would be no different there, and I'd only be farther away from my son.

There is no excuse for the treatment I have received at the women's shelters and it is clear to me, that despite a lot of talk, there are still some groups of individuals who have nothing better to do than blacklist me and try to keep me down.

I have done a lot, and come a long way, in trying to restore good to this area, and to others, and to apologize for past wrongs. I am still asking for some of the others who are so determined to keep me down, to quit this.

Why is it that people all over the country, believe me, and what I say about how it is here? No one in Wenatchee or this area even cares, because I don't think they have any interest in what the rest of the nation thinks about Washington state.

That's my honest impression. That this state is an island unto itself and thinks it has some kind of right of succession from popular political or national opinion. The things this state gets away with, are incredible. Truly incredible.

I would love to be able to blame it on just ONE man.

That DAMN BILL GATES.

Monopolizer.

Hmmph. Give me a job Bill. Here's a song for Bill: "Everybody Wants To Rule The World".

Now here's my favorite link for the day. Hats and hands to the middle aged man with a squeal and leap and kick. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQng86EudNY. Everybody who knows Judge Hotchkiss has to watch it because the lead singer looks just like him. Just kidding around. No offense intended at all.

I'm listening to various versions of this song. Here is one in Spanish that's good:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcjhp0xuP04&NR=1

Here's the best mix I've found so far--this one is really good and high energy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_-cEyWX43c&feature=related. I still like the original and live versions by New Order best. Hmm. I don't know. I didn't like it, then liked it and by the end was bored of it again. I don't know what I think.

I'm looking up work at the same time and sending out queries and resume stuff. So I'm not just wasting time.

Like this one, cool video...trance music but really cool clips. Not New Order, just following from the offerings. I like the scene where the man and woman kiss, turn, expressions turn to hate and they both raise their hands. I don't which movie it's from. I also like the women on top of the airplane. The song is "revolving doors": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jLiQ-dliq8&NR=1. Really excellent clips...the expressions and change in moods that's reflected is so cool. Oh, the one of the flapper dancing on the floor in her fan sleeves. I LOVE it. I love this video.

Another lilting version of "Bizarre Love Triangle": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4L1TYx-pjPk&NR=1. Instruments a little squeaky and bonky but the voice is nice and so is the rhythm.

I got tears in my eyes from this one...at the close-up when she sings "I get down on my knees and pray". Not because it's better, but looking at her face as she sang and thinking about the international cross-cultural power of music (from Japan):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqLEJUNY01c&feature=related

Have a very positive sense of energy right now.

This one is really cool...there are birds and children and dogs in the background and it's sort of jazzy, by Nouvelle Vague: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gizsMU_9gy0&feature=related