Songs Of The Day & My I.Q.

It was "Material Girl" by Madonna. Now, "Give It To Me" by Madonna.

I'm pissed.

I am not into housing as was supposed to happen this week. I should be thankful to have a place to stay until I am, but no, I am pissed to be a guest once again.

Didn't smoke at all today though and not planning to.

I was going to go out and dance last night but I didn't.

I think the only way I'm going to make it through the weekend is to have a pile of interesting books at hand. Library run. I need a bunch of witty fluff. I don't feel like being sociable.

I did one spontaneous thing today--I went for a swing on a tire-rope swing and sat on the porch next to a huge stack of wood cutting my nails and doing my cuticles.

Yeah, I looked for work online. I called about housing. I got my cousin hooked up with housing. So that was my good deed of the day.

I feel like cooking while a little tipsy. But I can't do that right with $20.

Then, I'm told I'm getting my things, but no I'm not. Nothing is happening until tomorrow. I am tired of the fucking mousetrap.

Not only that, I read the report by CPS and it's a bunch of BS that I really don't want to have the chance to prove wrong.

If I have to go through and prove...

Quit and got out to breathe in a bookstore. Mmmmm! books! Mmmmmmm!

"If She Knew What She Wants" by Bangles.

..."She won't understand why anyone would have to try to walk a line when they could fly..."

--I had a bad day, reading what the CPS worker wrote and what their psychologist had to say. It's still "inconclusive" but it will be up to someone to either put the blog first or the MMPI. So she has a choice. I cannot see how she could make any kind of differential without knowing me and her 1 1/2 hour chat with me isn't going to help sort out the "discrepency" between a normal MMPI and what she feels is an "abnormal" blog. She can either take it as part fiction as I've said, and I think that's what she should do. The MMPI wasn't totally normal anyway--it was high on anxiety levels but nothing else. The state report doesn't even mention the anxiety levels, but of course, let's not blame the state for creating this problem to begin with.

Not only that, the state is not increasing visitation at all, more than 4 hours a week which is what it's been at for over a year. This is totally wrong. Anyone would know this is wrong. They are leaving very, very, little room for making it appear they are trying to reunify or cooperate. Especially after all their chosen psychologists jerked me around by saying they were going to do the eval and then holding onto it and later backing out last minute, just running the clock out.

I am willing to "take it" and have something diagnosed that's not even true, but not something extreme as is or has been suggested. I'm not so highly intelligent that I would manufacture or know how to manipulate an MMPI which is a very well known test that is recognized for accuracy. My I.Q. isn't that of a brilliant coniving genius--it's average. If I faked on all the tests, why wouldn't I fake on my blog? I mean, if I were smart enough to guess correctly on two different tests for both I.Q. and for MMPI, wouldn't I also be smart enough to know how to word a blog or how not to write in one or care?

I think it's quite clear that I am simply not smart enough to do this. If I were, I would also be smart enough to know there were "discrepencies" and wouldn't I have done more to align these things?

Another song, from a dummie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R93biXI1Mxg. Kiri te kanawa's "Ave Maria". Beautiful.

Other song: Kiri Te Kanawa's "Mi Chiamano Mimi". First time I've read the translated lyrics. I have always loved this aria. Especially the soaring second half. I don't like Kanawa's version best though. I like Maria Callas' version better. It's more delicate in inuendo and feeling. I don't know if she completely feels or knows or has experienced what she sings about, but her voice is technically perfect. The way she lilts over the slight wording...like tiny skipping stones across a smooth lake or butterflies tripping lightly, bouncing like stones skip, across the water...and then she soars into this crescendo of sky. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgaN3vIqJUY. It almost makes me cry. On the right day, I think it would. From "La Boheme".