The Cure & Indefatiguable

The cure to all that ails me and the world is

tonight,

The Cure

I refuse to be defeated.

"I DON'T BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION BECAUSE I REFUSE TO COME BACK AS A RABBIT OR A BUG!!!" (New Order? or Duran, Duran)

I refuse to accept my fate, of being blacklisted out of every job and repeatedly, perpetually led to job after so-called job, to be told it's not available that instant. Well, it was dinner hour, so unavailable to talk. Understandable, but I'm just upset. I refuse to accept the distractions to keep me from getting my son back and to keep me out of town.

If I have to set up a tent, watch me.

I will set up a tent and build fires in a pit before I move away from my son.

And I will keep blogging, just so the world knows and understands I haven't gone nuts but that it is my circumstances.

In fact, I was starting to enjoy the propetic look. I stepped out in my prophet uniform again today, only to change, after 5 days wear, for a job that was suddenly not available.

I actually felt some of my "power" leaving me when I changed into my nicer wear. I felt like I was losing this strange power of acceptance, of really beginning to feel proud of wearing the same clothes day after day.

It sounds odd, but yes, at first I was thinking, "Oh great, I left my clothes over at the other place and I'm wearing the same thing again." Then, the next day, sort of looking down a bit again, but knowing it's my own fault. Then, it became a kind of pride. A mark of, "I'm still me, and a woman still has a prerogative to change her mind, no matter whether or not she changes her clothes." Changing my clothing was like Samson letting Delilah cut his hair. That's how it felt. I don't even know if I want to wash those clothes, really. I like having a choice. No, you know what I mean...A REAL choice. Of breaking free of what others think. But it's sort of cheating in a small town, because people here know I have other clothes and I'm not stark raving mad. It would be more humbling where no one knows you at all and they just think you're nuts.

The first song I selected, of the day, is "Friday I'm In Love" by The Cure. Listening as I write this.

Everything is going to get better for everyone. It may get somewhat worse, but I think it will get better. I did pray that prophet's prayer for those who are bad to me or my son, even for today, that it goes into action today, but other than that, on the whole, I think everyone will be doing well. I have all these ideas of what is happening socially, things I want to write about. Then, I pulled out an article of something I read, about another bomb killing people in Pakistan.

I impetuously tore it out, right after reading a statement from a father who said something like, "I pray to Allah every day, that the killing of the innocent will stop." Or something about justice against those who kill or harm innocents. I read this, and it is the same sentiment all over the world, this cry to God, to spare the children from harm. I read it and it sparked my mind to find some books on conflict resolution and peace making at the bookstore in town today.

I spent all day in a bookstore reading. I took a couple breaks, just to eat. Otherwise, all I did today was read and look for work again. More reading though. I gave myself permission to take a little break.

Next song on repeat is The Cure's "Lovesong". At the chorus, I see him punching up with a fist, taking hold of a pageant like star, and yanking it down. Stars are MINE. Making it happen, and refusing to let it just coast. Keep trying. At the drum beat, punch and then pulling it down. At this song I just want to shake my head back and forth, Stevie Wonder style and move my feet. Actually, most Cure songs get me moving. I need an ipod so I can listen to this stuff on full blast.

So I was reading today, skimming through books and then the paper and then I got back and tried to find conflict resolution books but I'm still looking. I typed it into the computer. I looked through Albright's book again, and decided, no, I wouldn't want all of those pins. Some of them, at least half or more, I don't even like. I like so MANY of them though!

I looked at a new release called "Worse Than War: Genocide, eliminationism, and the ongoing assault on humanity" by Daniel Jonah Goldhagen. It looks good but I need to take it home to read. I skimmed through "The Diana Chronicles" by Tina Brown.

I made it through Day Three without smoking at all, even though I thought about it and the urge was so strong I swear someone was projecting smoking images into my mind! I just went out and ate instead.

"Just Like Heaven" by The Cure. This is one I listened to on repeat for hours at the Carribou Coffee one day when it was pouring down rain and all these people passing by the window and I was a little down and out. I still remember that night. I have vivid memories which I hardly ever forget.

Even if I'm not so smart afterall.

You know what I think about the WAIS I.Q. test? I think it's a bunch of BS.

Yes, that's right! I saaaaid it (chris rock style).

For those of you who haven't looked at it, it's basically an SAT. Half of the whole thing is already acquired knowledge. Acquired knowledge has less to do with intellectual capability than it has to do with opportunity. For example, take me as an example...

My composite score was normal. But the scales were really low on one thing and really high on something else and then it just got smushed together for a rounded score. And the thing is, those things that affected the scores had to do with whether I was PAYING ATTENTION in class or not, or had the proper opportunities or mentoring or not.

Believe me, you could take some kids from a third world country, who are smarter than some well educated American kids, and the American ones will appear smarter when they're not, simply because they had parents who had time, money, and a chance to educate the kids.

I.Q. tests are not very good measures, in my opinion

So, for example, I knew a lot of vocabulary. Why? Because I'm so smart? No. Because I have a personality type that likes to read. But then, my math brought me down. I started reading novels behind my math books when I was 11 and how I ever made it through high school algebra I'll never know. Math is a building block thing. So, it shows I didn't study math and I do like to read. That doesn't say anything at all about actual inherent and inate intelligence.

The I.Q. test measures socioeconomic status, more than any other thing.

There. I ssaaaaaiad it.

So, I think it's kind of helpful, but still not a great predictor really. I think it's much more useful for little kids than adults besides. I was thoroughly unimpressed, in my low-brow, high-cow way. I turn up my nose. I turn up my nose with a sniff. With a sniff and a dismissive wave of my delicate hand. Delicato.

Oh yeah, and for the Mr. Kitten who lost his mittens, I already saw those mittens in my minds eye for about two days before I ever saw them on those hands. Yeah. I saw the mittens, over and over again. I guess that's fortune telling because I saw it first and then voila! there they were, being waved in front of my eyes.

I am the original Manchurian Candidate. I am going to start projecting my own ideas all over the world, into the minds of others. ;) I know...Well, let's just say, I think I could meditate more and communicate more through placing thoughts into others' minds instead of receiving them all the time.

Okay everybodeee! I got my blogging fix for the day. You know, I know it's very good I quit smoking but I need another vice.

Gimmee another vice!