My Son

I feel sad but it was a good visit with my son.

I have felt, off and on, positive and negative energy today.

I talked to my ex but started feeling sad. I don't know why. I think it's because I want to do everything right, and to please everyone and myself and know exactly what is the most good and who is for me, and I am confused about everything.

I don't like how everything I say gets leaked out to tons of people I don't even know and I've no idea why anything I say is significant. People want ME to control what I write online or say to others, but HMMMMmmmm...

SOME people obviously cannot control their SNOOPING.

I don't like how everything I say gets blown out to the entire town within 10 minutes. It's not fair to me, and I can't even lead a normal life like this. And it's not as if I'm someone who has done anything significant. Why does anyone even CARE? is what I don't understand. On one hand, sometimes the attention is flattering and other times, it's just painful and degrading.

I don't know why anyone is interested in what I think or say. If I think I've got something good to share with everybody, I share it. Like today I was thinking of ideas about the economy. That I would share.

Somehow, I got the attention of a lot of people and even internationally and I'm not totally sure how. I don't know how word spreads so fast unless everyone is talking about me, recording what I say or allowing others to listen in, or...?

Anyway, my son looked great. I was slightly concerned about pigmentation, very light, on his cheek, but decided to write it off until or unless it's more of an issue.

He was adorable. He had the most fun building very tall and high towers and then watching them fall. I was his assistant.

He wanted to read a book about flying and transportation again, a mickey mouse/donald duck/goofy book, and he wanted a tatoo of a monkey on his foot. I call my drawings "tatoos".

My son came into the visit with a sticker I've noticed from the state offices here, a cute little hot dog with the number 1 on it, on his left shoulder, my right but his left. He possibly recycled it from a different visit, I don't know, he shows up with lots of cute things every time I see him.

I think my family wants to work with me now, on getting Oliver back into my care ASAP. At least, it sounded good this evening, and I was surprised. Very positive. Very encouraging to me.

I am trying to stay focused on what I need to do, but it's been stressful and difficult without work or housing, but I'm swinging into that soon. Just lining things up and the state hasn't wanted to terminate rights, so I'm very glad and thankful about that. I DO think it's wrong to limit his visits with me at this point. It does more harm than good, to him, and he didn't want to leave the visit with me this time again. He backed out slowly, waving and blowing kisses, and it was very clear, he wanted to stay and looked kind of worried. I made a calendar so he knew he'd see me next Monday. I am looking at housing for a studio but I want him to be transitioned into my care before 6 months is up, at least PT, so I'm probably getting a one bedroom, just for that reason alone. I have to remain optimistic or there is no point at all.

I am so in love. I am so in love with my son, it marks everything I do.

I feel the most important thing I could ever do, in my life, is to raise him well. That's it. He is at the age now where he is reminding me of a Sarah I used to babysit. It's the cutest age. I sing songs about "When You Believe" and open randomly, more than once, to the book of Esther, and yet I could imagine there is some important mission, and it would seem like I'm noticed for some reason, but the only thing that is really important to me, is my son--other than wanting to help others too, when I'm in a better position. I try to do good things when i can, without making specific mention of it all the time.

I might write about my economic idea tomorrow. Tired right now. Thank you though. For those who have been there for me and who are there--thank you.