Fourth Day Not Smoking & Nuns

Happy to write today is the fourth day of total nicotine abstinence. I accepted a cigarette from someone, and put it in my bag in case I need it, because I had to sleep in today due to a migraine headache. It was a mild one though, but if it gets worse, nicotine might help. But I didn't and haven't smoked it because I'm trying to go without.

I noticed a few people seemed sad today. I hope everyone I care about is okay.

I am, as well. I am, because I don't know what to do.

That's it and that's all, simply put.

I just met a nun. Really nice woman, sort of reserved, but nice energy about her. I asked to look at her pendant since I'm interested in jewelry and it was really pretty, sort of deco in a way, or something, with a bird for the holy spirit, a heart for the sacred heart, and then M for Mary.

I have been wearing a cross pendant given to me by someone but I was actually giving it to my son to give to someone else and then he wanted to fasten it about my neck and got such pride from it I couldn't take it off. So I've been wearing it since. It does represent my faith, but I am not totally sure what I think except that I read and pray privately.

At any rate, I thought about this nun and she seems like the type who would be a good wife or mother and she's not crochety at all, and then I think about myself.

I am stuck somewhere in a place I don't understand.

I am not probably a nun type. I am also not an escort or a prostitute of higher or lower caliber nor could I do nude photos. The thing is, I'm the marrying kind, but I've never found anyone to marry. I still think about it but I'm particular about loyalty and I just don't want to be a "burro" in any marriage. If I decide I'm saving the world or going into something "por los ninos del mundo", maybe, but then, can I sell my soul (so to speak?) I mean, what then? Should I be celibate or would that be offensive? what is more offensive? I support the idea of open marriage if that's what some agree on, but it's not for me really, and I have met very few men who are truly "open" about what they want to do.

Whatever happened to true love, that waits and holds out to be true to only the one they love? Why is everything so complicated? Why can't we sometimes be happy with the love of our lives? If love is there, and passion, why not? Why do having different values or beliefs get in the way so much? Why does money, or anything else? I don't know why love is so difficult to find for some, and for others, it is successive--one happy pairing after the other, no complaints.

Some people are so happy with just about every other person. Good matches. Others, are picky but maybe should be. But then even with the truest and maybe most sacrificial and purest kind of love, nothing is perfect.

It's the most tragic thing.

I feel stuck inbetween a lot of things.

Even if there is such a thing as soulmates or true love, how often do they get to be together? There are always stories about work putting people apart, or social class getting in the way and forcing people to make choices about remaining in their circle and family or being with the one they love, and then there are other separators as well--health and life and death for one.

It's really depressing when you think about it.

How few and fortunate they are who find true love, imperfect though it may be--true--and then cannot pursue it or rest in this.

I just met another nun. Another nice one.

What a juxposition--from the offer to do nude photos for a magazine (which, well, hey, would pay something, but no thank you) to meeting nuns the next morning.

I get really close to thinking about marrying someone I've known but a few things hold me back. Unfortunate things like feeling like I'm passed around, or not respected, or maybe it might be simply seeing someone who was flirting with an ex and then later seeing a pair of boots on her feet that he could have hand picked and whether or not it happened, things were happening and it just makes me feel like...I don't need the humiliation or be played with if that's what would happen.

In a lot of ways, being a mistress is much more powerful than being a wife who doesn't know about the mistress. The mistress knows about everything and the wife doesn't. I mean, there's more honesty in that relationship, probably,, not that it's one I'd want. But really, so many people cheat these days, men and women, you'd have to have the guy on a very short leash.

I read about some famous Royal woman whose aristocracy I can't recall, well, can't remember which European group she was with, but she married her husband way way back, and then assumed the pants and even though he had power, she made sure he never ever was without her by his side. So she went straight into the battleground with him, and was never apart.

I'll have to find her name. That was one smart woman. Even the most faithful and loyal man is a human and long separations are unrealistic, in my opinion. Unless you have nerves and will of steel, both of you. I mean, you wouldn't want to be clingy or have someone clingy over you either, but there's something to be said for home monitoring or close supervision.

Welcome to jail, if you marry me. You'll get away with nothing.

You wanna go into the military? I could support that. Hey pal, let's go in together. We'll go in buddy system.

Anything, even a potential trip to the dry cleaners, is an opportunity. So you have to trust, but how does one trust when facts and evidence seem to point to something in particular that one might not want to see?

It would sure be a LOT easier to be an all-out swinger, because you don't care and they don't care, and you talk about everything. But I just can't do it and wouldn't want to try either. Not for me.

There's a huge market for escorts for married men though. These guys come from all over, every level.

I guess I am a non-traditional complicated kind of prude. Sort of adventurous in weird ways, but also a prude or romantic.

I wonder what everyone else's love life is like. I've just never married, but I wonder if the main problem with the married's is simple boredom or if they ever fall head over heels in love with someone else. It's so interesting to me, marriage, because if it's not for convenience or a mutually beneficial goal, it's done with the idea that THIS is "the one", true love, soulmate, they will spend the rest of their lives with, in loyalty, to the end.

And then... what the frick happens???

I mean, there's the feeling of infatuation and that wears off, but a lot of people wait for awhile so they know there are ups and downs. That you can fall in and out of love but still have a sort of constant love and concern for someone. So what is it...

And then how many go into marriages for convenience but with knowledge there are others in the picture who cannot be seen publicly? Some kind of arrangment that all parties agree to?

It's usually that someone is left in the dark.