Expression

Hello Little Bear,

I'm letting you watch Barney right now. There is a song called "Just Imagine" and it's probably the only one I like. Hearing it reminded me of last night when we were watching part of Milo and Otis together, snuggled on the couch, with you on my lap and head against my chest, in your jammies. All of a sudden, I noticed you were keeping perfect time with your foot. The music in this movie is wonderful and I looked it up last night to find out who the composer was, and it appears the music is a bunch of classical pieces. I'll have to get a list or something to find out which ones you like most.

The other day you were cranky and I hadn't thought to turn music on for half the day at least, so I decided to turn on the radio, and crank it up. I don't like country music much, but you stopped fussing, squealed with a laugh out loud, RAN across the kitchen floor, stopped and stamped your feet quickly (like the little holy roller jigs I used to see in a church I went to long ago), and then began to sway back and forth to the music. I was stunned.

It was the most spontaneous expression of dance and appreciation of music that I have ever, in my entire life, seen. What was shocking to me, was how little and young you are, and it was like I had pressed a button, and you came alive. I'm still shocked when I think about it. I've seen staged dancing, and I absolutely love that show, "So You Think You Can Dance", but I've never seen such a reaction before, that was so pure, unplanned, and exuberant. It was a man singing with a low voice, but I don't recall the song.

I wondered what it meant. I wondered if you are craving more exposure to music, or dance, and I suddenly felt inadequate. What if you turn out to be like your grandpa (my Dad) and can play everything by ear after hearing a piece once, with no musical training, and I've nothing for you to play? What if you're like my Dad's grandpa, who was a talented violinist and taught violin at a university in Virginia with only an 8th grade education, and yet I've no violin. My father picked up guitar and piano, they were there for him to play. I wish I'd never sold my piano. I kept it for years but it was such a pain to move (so heavy and took 3 strong men to budge) I sold it. It had been one of my father's pianos--the one he played on when we grew up--a really good Yamaha. I really regret selling it now.

Even I am able to play guitar, but I don't currently own a guitar. So I feel sort of bad about these things. I'm sure it's normal for a parent to feel this way. To see something that excites your child so much and not know how, with little resources, to encourage and be able to support the interest.

At least I have a decent singing voice. You get to hear me sing all the time, and I notice that YOU notice the slight nuances and tone--if I sing something particularly well, you are focused on me and interested. When I was 15 years old, I was heard singing The National Anthem (a capella) at a high school game and was approached by a rep for The San Francisco Conservatory of Music, for a scholarship to be trained in classical voice. My parents said no, because I was only 15 and they didn't want me to be on my own. I remember I was very disappointed I had to turn it down. Later, a rep for Disney watched me audition at church, and I was very religious and he told my mother he could find me a job with Disney but that he was afraid I would be eaten alive--he told my mother it was cut-throat and that I was so innocent and sincere, and so sweet and religious, (it's true! he said all these things) that he didn't recommend it, based on my personality and character. He thought people would take advantage of me and that I wouldn't know how to protect myself. All of this happened before I was 18, before I left my parent's house, to be a nanny.

I understand more about life now, that's for certain, but it's true what this guy thought about me. I really DIDN'T know how to protect myself, and people did do some terrible things (in other situations) but in the last few years, I've figured some things out. Some things I didn't even figure out until a year ago. But everything I know about human nature and how to protect yourself, I'll pass on to you. And I will support any opportunity that comes your way that you may want to take. It's different for us because there are not other family members to consider.

Even if your expression of dance was simply a showing of passion for life, you know I'm sharing that same joy with you. Thank you for feeling so free around me!