Magic and Miracle

Hello Little Bear,

People are happier without children than with them. So says a study I read about in a popular magazine not long. I will have to remember citations and learn how to post them! The study said that although parents thought they were happier with their kids, the opposite was true.

I can't relate. I am not deluded when I say I am happier with you in my life. No matter how many or how few friends I had before you, who my roommates were, or how close I was to my family, what makes me believe this is true is a couple of things:

1. The holidays. Sometimes, it was true I could be a little down, sometimes without knowing why, during the holidays. Sometimes a little lonely, or maybe that it should be one way and was not. My birthday was just a reminder that I was not married and therefore one year farther away from having my own family, and closer to that "ticking clock". I've wanted children since I was a child! Since you were conceived and I knew of you, I was happier. And it doesn't even matter what I'm doing or not doing on a holiday, I am simply happy to share it with you. I would say, more than anything, that I feel completely whole. My cup is full. I am satisfied and have someone other than myself to look after. I feel absolutely like a mother, and yet still as my own woman, having retained my former identity. I don't feel I exchanged anything. I made the decision, before you were born, to be true to myself, and felt this example of integrity was more important than trying to alter who I am to be more accomodating to society out of fear of the need, with a child, to fit in. I see you as your own person as well.

Being a nanny first probably helped. I can say I was NOT as happy with children, as a nanny, as when single, because I had no idea how demanding it was, and I didn't know how much I could bond without losing a part of my heart forever. I was bored out of my mind, even though I came up with things to do. Maybe because I knew already what certain adjustments would have to be made, I was pleasantly surprised when I had my own kid. I am my own boss, too.

2. Hugs and affection...I have more than ever, for YOU and from you. I am extremely independent, but how I've missed out on the hugs in the meantime! by choice! I have no choice now, and am better off and happier for it. I think of a book I read when I was 17, "Of Human Bondage" by Sommerset Maugham. I wrote a book report on it and for the first time, my teacher was impressed (well, for the first time I had actually read the book! ;)) All I can remember now is that the protagonist, in the end, through marriage, though it was a bind, took on the first form of bondage that ultimately made him happy and free.

Little Bear, I sometimes miss you even after you're asleep, if I've been up very long and away from you. I think it would be nice for you to have brother and/or sister for a companion and playmate, but is that any reason to have another child (by "have" I mean, adopt)?

At any rate, I remember reading that article, about the study, and I didn't fit into the profile. Even being a nanny, I had gone into the profession because I wanted more practice, so I could one day be a better mom. A part of my destiny and dream has been fulfilled and how I be anything but happy about that?

I love you.